McCarthys of Gansett Island Boxed Set Books 1-3 (63 page)

“Luke?” He snapped out of his thoughts to find her laughter had faded to concern. “Are you coming up?”

“If you’re sure you want the company.”

She gestured to the stairs. “I’m sure.”

As he took the stairs to the porch, his hands felt clammy and his heart raced, the way it had all those years ago when he’d been a teenager in the throes of first love. Nothing at all had changed since then. The realization left him staggered. He still loved her as much as he ever had. Despite everything that’d happened, despite all the pain she’d caused him, he still loved her.
 

“Are you all right, Luke?”

For the second time that day, someone looked at him with concern. Apparently, he was doing a piss-poor job of hiding the fact that seeing her again had rocked his world.

Rather than try to explain his odd behavior, he withdrew the gift from behind his back. “For you.”

Her eyes lit up with surprise and delight. “You brought me something?”

“Don’t get too excited,” he said, suddenly wishing he’d brought her a real gift rather than the dead starfish she unwrapped with reverence.
 

“Oh, Luke. You remembered.” She ran a finger over the starfish. “I always loved them.”

“Yes, I remembered.” What an understatement! He remembered every damned thing they’d ever talked about, every damned moment that had ever transpired between them. Yes, he remembered.

“It’s beautiful. Where did you find it?”

“I saw it on one of the rocks by the marina at low tide and climbed down to get it.”

“It makes me so sad that such a glorious creature is dead.”

Her sadness gutted him. God, what had he been thinking bringing her, of all people, something dead? “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” He started to reach for the starfish, but she hung on to it.

“Why are you sorry? It’s a very thoughtful gift.”

He wanted to shoot himself for putting that pensive look on her gorgeous face. “I didn’t mean for it to make you sad.”

“The damndest things make me sad these days, but then, I also find joy in things that might not have touched me before, such as a gift from an old friend who remembered how much I love starfish.” She went up on tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

Luke stood frozen in place. The quick and spontaneous gesture, so typical of the Sydney he’d once known, left him riveted and thankful for the dark shadows on the porch that hid his instant reaction to her touch. It had been a mistake to come here when he wanted her more than his next breath. It was a mistake to restart something that couldn’t go anywhere, something that had the power to crush him all over again.

“I’m sorry,” she said, tuning in to his dismay. “I shouldn’t have done that.

“Don’t apologize. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come.”

She stared up at him with those clear blue eyes that had never contained an ounce of guile. “Why?”

He glanced at the floor, summoning the strength he’d need to walk away—this time for good. “I can’t do this. I really thought I could, but I can’t.”

“What can’t you do, Luke?”

“I can’t come here and pretend to be your friend when that’s not what I want.”

She winced, and her eyes shone with tears.

Luke hated that he’d caused her more pain. Like she hadn’t already had more than enough.

“I understand,” she said stoically. “I hurt you so badly. Why would you want to be my friend anymore?”

Luke uttered a softly spoken swear that was so far out of character for him, he could see he’d shocked her. “That’s not it. You apologized, and I meant it when I said I forgive you.”

“Then why can’t we be friends?”

As if attached to a string controlled by someone other than him, Luke’s hand reached out to caress her soft cheek. “Because what I want from you goes far beyond friendship, and you’re not ready for that.”

“Luke,” she whispered, gripping his wrist. She turned her face into his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm.
 

A tremble zipped all the way through him. Nothing had ever electrified him the way her touch did. With great reluctance, he withdrew his hand. “I’m sorry. I wish I had it in me to be around you and not want more, but I can’t do it.”

“When it first happened,” she said tentatively, “the accident… I never imagined I’d get to a point where I’d be ready…to try again. With someone else. But now, it’s been more than a year, and it doesn’t seem quite so impossible to imagine anymore.”

“Syd,” he said, shaking his head. “I look good to you because I’m familiar, because you once had feelings for me, but I couldn’t bear to be your rebound guy or your transition guy, or whatever I’d be.”

She finally dared to glance up at him, and what he saw in her eyes and on her face made his heart stagger. “Just because things ended the way they did between us doesn’t mean I didn’t still have feelings for you, and I would never use you to prove a point to myself or anyone else. You mean too much to me, and after what I did to you once before…” Her voice faded.

“What’re you saying?”

“I don’t want you to go.”

Luke told himself to get the hell out of there while he still could, but somehow his legs didn’t seem to get the message.
 

She rested her hands on his chest. “I don’t know for sure that I’m ready for what this might be. All I know is I don’t want you to go.”

Against his better judgment, his hands landed on her hips and drew her closer. He really hoped she couldn’t feel what her nearness did to him. The last thing he wanted was to scare her off by giving away how desperately he wanted her. As his arms went around her, she relaxed into his embrace, and he was reminded of how they’d once fit together so perfectly. The sweetness of the memory, the familiar scent of her hair and the hopelessness of the situation made him ache.

He held her tight against him, all the while telling himself it was unwise. This was a recipe for disaster for him—and maybe for her, too.
 

“Syd,” he said, drawing back from her. “I’m going to go. I want you to really think about this. You need to be sure you’re ready.” He framed her face and urged her to meet his gaze. “If we start this up again…”

“What?” she asked, breathless.

“The last time you walked away from me, I was a kid without any options. I’m a grown man now, and I wouldn’t let you get away so easily.”

Her lips parted as if she had something to say, but then her eyes fluttered closed.

Luke couldn’t resist the urge to brush a soft kiss over those perfect lips that had dominated his fantasies for such a long, lonely time.

The moment their lips connected, her eyes flew open.

“Think long and hard, Syd. Be sure it’s what you really want. Be sure you’re ready.”

“Luke—”

He rested a finger over her lips to quiet her. “If it’s tomorrow or next week or next summer or two summers from now, doesn’t matter. I’ll be here, and you’ll always be welcome. If you never feel ready, that’s okay, too.”

“That’s crazy,” she said. “You can’t wait forever for me.”

“I already have. I’ve never met anyone I like better than you. After a while, I stopped looking.” He kissed her forehead because he didn’t dare kiss her lips again. If he did, he might not be able to stop kissing her. “You know where to find me.”

Before he could let the possibility of never seeing her again set in, he got out of there. Without looking back, he went down the stairs, across the yard and into the reeds. Only when he was rowing his boat across the pond did he breathe again. What the hell had he just done?

Chapter 4

Sydney passed the week after Luke made his offer feeling like she was wading through quicksand. The lethargy that hung over her reminded her in some ways of the days and weeks that followed the accident. Aimlessness overtook her. She had trouble deciding what to eat or how to spend her days and was back to sleeping far too much.

Buddy was worried about her. She could see it in his solemn eyes as he watched her every move.

Sydney was getting sick of herself by the time Maddie called and invited her to a girl’s night out with her sister Tiffany, sister-in-law Janey and some of their other friends. Sydney’s first inclination was to say no as the idea of showering and doing her hair and putting on makeup and choosing clothes seemed overwhelming.

But then Buddy nudged her and let out a soft whimper. He seemed to be asking her to do it for him.
 

“All right, Buddy. If it means that much to you.”

He barked and wagged his bushy tail.

For the first time in a week, Sydney laughed. She showered and shaved her legs and found a cute sundress that showed off the light tan she’d acquired while walking Buddy.
 

She brushed her hair until it shone and put on makeup that highlighted her eyes. As she wielded the mascara wand, her breath caught at the memory of Seth teasing her about how different she looked when she wore makeup. He preferred her au naturel. She took a moment to absorb the blow. Seth had been such a good and decent man, as well as funny and cute. He’d been so full of life and plans that sometimes it was still hard to believe he was really gone.

 
When Maddie arrived a short time later to pick her up, Sydney felt like she looked as good as she ever would. She’d done her best to shake off the rough moment with the mascara. It occurred to her then that the rough moments were happening less and less often. Oddly, that made her sad.
 

While she knew it was healthy to be recovering from the initial burst of horrible grief, she also felt guilty. What right did she have to be getting on with her life when her children would never have
any
life? When sweet, wonderful Seth was gone forever?
 

“You look gorgeous, Syd,” Maddie said, hugging her.
 

“So do you.” Maddie had worn a gauzy maternity top over white Capri pants.

“I look like a beached whale,” Maddie said with a snort.

“A very pretty beached whale.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Sydney gave Buddy a pat on the head and a kiss to the snoot. “Be a good boy while I’m gone.”

He sat and watched with those solemn eyes as she went out the door with Maddie.

“He’s so adorable,” Maddie said. “Such a good boy.”

“He never used to be.” A shaft of pain lanced through Sydney as she remembered the Buddy from before the accident. “He was a holy terror—into
everything
. We used to joke that he was deaf to the sound of my voice and Seth’s. Max was the only one he minded. The two of them were joined at the hip. After…he laid outside Max’s room and cried for six months.”

“God,” Maddie said. “The poor guy.”

“One day, I woke up, and he was sleeping next to me. He’s been my dog ever since. Not once since Max died has Buddy done anything even slightly naughty or mischievous. He’s been on his best behavior, which is sad in its own way.” Sydney glanced at her friend and saw tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a Debby Downer.”

“Oh please, you’re not at all. I just feel so sorry for Buddy—for both of you. I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through.”

“I’m doing better. We both are.” Despite the torment of the last week, the torment of Luke’s offer, Sydney couldn’t deny she was better than she’d been. Much better. But was she far enough along that she was ready to take another chance on love? That was the great unknown. Until she was sure, how could she gamble with her heart or Luke’s? Especially when she’d done such tremendous damage to his heart once before.
 

“Did I dredge up bad memories?” Maddie asked as she drove them into town to meet the others.
 

“Not at all.”

“What’ve you been up to all week?”

“I’ve been taking it easy. This past school year was particularly exhausting.” She wanted to tell Maddie about what had transpired with Luke, but somehow she just couldn’t bring herself to share.
 

“I can’t imagine being responsible for twenty seven-year-olds. One two-year-old is killing me.”

Sydney laughed. “It does wear you out after ten months. I’m sure I’ll miss it, though.”

“Miss it? What do you mean?”

She told Maddie about her decision to leave her job—and why.

For a long moment, Maddie was quiet and pensive. “So what’ll you do now?”

“Not sure yet. I’m hoping to figure that out this month while I’m here.”

“You should stay out here with us permanently. This is your favorite place, after all.”

Sydney chuckled at Maddie’s shameless campaigning. “It’s nice to feel wanted.”

“We’d keep you plenty busy. You’d be surprised how much goes on around here in the winter these days.”

“You’ll be plenty busy this winter with a new baby.”

“That’s true,” Maddie said. “I can barely manage the one I have. I can’t imagine how I’ll handle two.” She gasped. “God, I’m sorry. I just keep putting my foot in my mouth.”

“Can we make a deal? Right now?”