McCarthys of Gansett Island Boxed Set Books 1-3 (61 page)

No, he decided, this was far more excruciating than anything he’d ever imagined. “If that’s how you felt, then why—”

“I was an idiot.”

Shocked by her bluntness, he gave up any pretense of trying not to stare at her. The thick strawberry blonde hair he’d loved running his fingers through was shorter than it used to be, but the summer freckles that had popped up on her nose after long days in the sun were still there. The bright blue eyes that had been so tragically sad last summer seemed to have recovered some of their sparkle.

“I had this idea, you know, of how my life should be. Who my husband should be. What he would do for a living. Where we would live. I was a snobbish fool.”

“I suppose the boy you’d left behind on the island, who worked at a marina and never made it to college, didn’t quite fit the bill.” Luke tried like hell to keep the bitterness out of his tone, but after so many years of suspecting what had driven her away, hearing confirmation of what he’d most feared was hardly a balm on the still-open wound.

“I know there’s nothing I can say to change what happened all those years ago, but I want you to know I regretted the way I treated you. I
always
regretted it.”

Hearing that didn’t help as much as he’d thought it would.
 

She looked down at her hands. “Sometimes I wonder if what happened… to me… was payback...”

“Don’t say that. No one deserves what happened to you.”

“Karma can be such an awful bitch,” she said ruefully. “Maybe I asked for too much, you know?”

“I can’t believe in a God or any higher power who’d take the lives of innocent children to pay their mother back for being cavalier with the feelings of an old boyfriend.”

Sydney winced. “Cavalier. Ouch.”

“What would you call it?”

“Horrible. I was horrible to you.” She leaned her head back on the rocker and studied him. “You haven’t changed at all. I’d know you anywhere.”

“Your hair is shorter, but otherwise, you look exactly the same, too.”

“Tell me you found someone else, got married, had a boatload of kids. Tell me it all worked out well for you.”

“No wife, no kids, but a good life. A satisfying life.”

“I ruined the wife and kids thing for you, didn’t I?”

He fought to maintain a neutral expression, to not let her see the pain. “Don’t give yourself too much credit, Donovan. You weren’t all
that
important.”

Her laughter danced through the night, making his heart flutter. “Whatever you say, tough guy.”

He never had been able to fool her. “Could I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Your husband…?”

“Seth.”

“You were happy with him?”

“That’s a very complicated question.”

Luke expelled a tortured moan. “Come
on
. Tell me it was worth it—at least for one of us.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a long time. “Seth was a good man, a wonderful father, a devoted husband and I loved him.”

“But?”

She looked over at him, their eyes connecting with a powerful sense of awareness that left him breathless. “What I felt for him… It was different than what I felt for you.”

He wanted to ask her what she meant by that.
How
was it different? Different better? Different more? Different less? But he couldn’t seem to form any of those questions, so he had to settle for what she’d given him.

“I shouldn’t be admitting these things, especially to you. See what I mean about karma?”

Luke shook his head. “The universe doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t.”

“Some days, it’s hard to believe I didn’t have it coming. I wasn’t always a good person.”

“You can’t honestly believe that. A drunk driver killed your family, not you.”

“That’s what my counselor has been trying to get me to believe for fifteen months now.”

“Getting any closer?”

“Good days, bad days.”

“I hope seeing me won’t make this a bad day.”

“Seeing you is wonderful. I’ve wished for years to have the opportunity to tell you how sorry I was to have left without a word. Sometimes when we’d come for a summer visit with my parents, I’d think about going down to McCarthy’s to see you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“That would’ve been so unfair to you, for me to show up out of the blue like that after all that time just so I could make myself feel better about being a shit to you.”

“I would’ve liked to have seen you, to have met your kids. More than anything, I’ve missed my friend Sydney. The best friend I ever had.”

Her eyes sparkled with tears. “I’m so sorry, Luke,” she whispered. “I’m so very, very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I forgave you years ago. You were nineteen. You didn’t owe me anything.”

She reached over and rested her hand on top of his. “I owed you so much more than what you got from me after four magical summers together.”

The brush of her skin against his brought back a flood of sweet memories, the sweetest of all memories. He turned his hand so hers was caught between both of his, and the emotion hit him so hard it took his breath away. Suddenly, it became urgent that he leave before he said or did something he’d regret. “It was good to see you, Syd.”

“Thanks for checking on me.”

Luke grimaced. “Checking is a much nicer word than stalking.”
 

She squeezed his hand. “It touched me last summer to know you were here, that you cared, despite the way we left things. I hope you understand I wasn’t ready yet…”

“Please. Of course I understand.”

“Will you come back again?”

Startled by the question, Luke said, “Do you want me to?”

“I missed my friend Luke. I never stopped missing him.”

Overwhelmed by her, he couldn’t find the words.
 

“I can see I’ve caught you off guard. I’ve been doing that to people a lot lately. Ever since the accident, I don’t see much reason to hold back. Life is short. What’s the point of hedging?”

“No point, I guess.”

“I don’t mean to shock you.”

“You haven’t shocked me so much as given me a lot to think about.”

“Do you accept my apology?”

He nodded. “Clean slate.”

“That’s far more than I deserve.”

“The slate is clean, remember?”

She smiled at him the way she used to when she still loved him, and Luke swore his heart stopped for an instant.
 

He forced himself to release her hand, to get up, to walk down the stairs, to make his escape while he still could. He’d made it to the lawn on the way to the beach when she called out to him.

“Come back, Luke. Please come back again.”

Luke waved to show he’d heard her and continued toward the shore on what used to be his well-worn path between her yard and the beach. His old rowboat, the same boat he’d had way back when, waited for him to make the trek across the salt pond to the same small house he’d once shared with his mother. Her illness had kept him tied to the island when Sydney and his other friends were leaving for college.

He’d never regretted giving those important years to the woman who had raised him on her own, but he couldn’t help but wonder what might’ve been different for him—and for Sydney—if he’d been able to accept the scholarship he’d been offered that would’ve made him a marine biologist. Would that profession have been good enough for Sydney? The Sydney she’d been back then?

Probably not. She’d married a banker. A guy who studied algae and pond scum probably wouldn’t have made the cut. Either way, it didn’t do any good to speculate now. What difference did it make? She’d made her decision a long time ago, and he’d had no choice but to accept it.

Except, as he rowed slowly across the vast pond, guided by the light of the moon and stars, he was filled with an emotion he hadn’t experienced in so long he’d almost forgotten what it felt like: hope. She’d never forgotten him. She’d thought of him, missed him, regretted their parting.
God, what did that mean?

She was no longer married. Her husband and children had been gone for more than a year. He could see just by looking at her that she was doing much better accepting the awful hand life had dealt her than last summer when the pain of her loss was still so fresh and new.

“Ugh,” he said out loud as he rowed. “Don’t go there, man. It was over and done with years ago. Leave the past where it belongs.”

But even as he told himself there was no point, that pesky burst of hope refused to be ignored.

Chapter 2

Every morning since the accident, Sydney had woken to the ever-present physical reminders of her own injuries: aching hips and pelvis, throbbing in her left femur and the excruciating pain in her heart as she was forced to remember what she’d lost all over again. The first few minutes of each new day were often the worst, so she always took a moment to absorb the pain and find the fortitude to keep going.

For a brief instant this morning, she couldn’t remember where she was. That’d happened often since she’d woken in a pain-filled haze in the hospital, asking for her children, asking for her husband. As she’d done so many times since then, she forced the horrific memories from her mind and took a visual tour of the pleasant bedroom from her childhood summers on Gansett Island.
 

Filled with relief to be back on the island, she reached over to pet Buddy’s soft fur, grateful as she was every day for his company and steadfast devotion to her. Before everything happened, she never would’ve allowed him in the bed she’d shared with Seth. Now he slept tucked against her every night, taking and giving comfort.

She’d come to the island filled with determination to make some decisions about her future. After the first agonizing Christmas without her family, she’d returned to work as a second grade teacher, thinking that getting back to her routine would help to jumpstart her life. It hadn’t taken long to realize being around other children close in age to the two she’d lost was not at all the catharsis she’d hoped it would be.
 

Rather, it was sweet torture to look at the children in her classroom and be reminded day in and day out that her own beautiful children were gone forever. So she had soldiered through to the end of the school year and stood now at a crossroads with big decisions to make. She’d already told her school she wouldn’t be back next year. The principal had urged her to take the summer, to think it over, to give herself some more time.
 

But she’d seen no point in holding up a job that someone else could do much better than she could. She saw no point in returning year after year to teach children the same age her son had been when his life came to an abrupt end. While she’d always loved the job and the age group she taught, it just wasn’t possible to do it anymore. So she’d endured the party her concerned colleagues had given to wish her well and emptied her classroom for the last time.

She would’ve left the next day for the island—the one place where she could find the peaceful calm she needed more than anything else at the moment. However, a court date for the drunk driver who’d hit them had kept her in Wellesley until late July, only to have the proceeding postponed until the fifth of September at the last minute.

Her parents had fretted about her being alone on the island for the month of August, but she’d assured them she and Buddy would be just fine and had promised daily phone calls to check in with them. The promise had pacified them, and she’d sent them on their way to the reunion of her father’s family they’d looked forward to in Wisconsin. They were heading to California from there, completing a lifelong goal to drive cross-country. After the long dark winter that followed the accident, it was time for all of them to get back to living again.

Sydney had given herself this month to figure out what was next. Thanks to Seth’s practicality and knack for growing money, she’d received a substantial life insurance payout after his death that, coupled with their savings, gave her a nice cushion. Maybe she’d go back to school or travel or move to a new city where no one knew her. The entire world was open to her. It was just a matter of deciding what she wanted and where she wanted to be.

According to her counselor, making plans was a sign of recovery. Sydney wasn’t sure she wanted to hear that. How does a mother ever “recover” from losing her babies? After Max was born, someone had given her an embroidered pillow with the saying, “A child is your heart walking around outside your body.” If that wasn’t the truth! And then when Malena came along, Syd had given away what was left of her heart. Losing them wasn’t something she expected to ever “get over.”

But life had an irritating way of marching forward, of forcing the living to get on with it even when it would be so much easier not to. For a while, after the accident, she’d entertained the darkest thoughts of her life, had flirted with the notion of ending it all, of putting a stop to the relentless pain any way she could. Only knowing that she couldn’t—and wouldn’t—do such a thing to her grief-stricken parents had kept Sydney from going too far down that tempting path.