Mazes and Monsters (7 page)

Jay Jay felt he was losing his mooring. Everyone he cared about had someone to hold on to, but he was alone. He sat in his warm room and talked to Merlin, his best friend. “Poor Jay Jay,” Jay Jay said. “Poor Jay Jay.”

“Poor Jay Jay,” Merlin said, finally.

“Speak to me,” Jay Jay said.

“Birds can’t talk,” Merlin said sternly.

“Where’s Jay Jay?”

“Poor Jay Jay.”

“Good,” Jay Jay said, and filled Merlin’s little bowl.

He was so sad. No one had time for him anymore. Kate was always off somewhere with Robbie, and Daniel had his merry sex life. Only poor Jay Jay, doomed to be a mascot, a child …

And he was so bored. He put on his old record of Steely Dan doing “Deacon Blues,” a song he played more and more often lately.
Drink Scotch whiskey all night long, and die behind the wheel.
… He could get on his motorbike and ram it into a wall. No, that was too ordinary. If he died, he wanted attention, he wanted to become a legend. Then they would all be sorry they had neglected him. He would be remembered forever, like those two students who had disappeared into the caverns long before he was born. If they had lived, they probably wouldn’t be anything at all.

He wasn’t really certain he wanted to kill himself; maybe he just wanted to play a trick and scare his friends. Still, the thought of doing away with himself gave him a little shiver of anticipation. Nobody had ever committed suicide at Grant.

He wrote a note to Kate.
Please feed Merlin every day, and remember me.
He put on his down coat and leather aviator’s helmet, took his flashlight, looked sadly at Merlin for what might be the last time, and went down the hall. He slipped the key to his room and the note under Kate’s door, and went out into the cold.

He knew where the forbidden caverns were; he had ridden past them the first week he arrived at school, just to see. The snow the night before had been light and the ground was frosty, but still he left tire tracks. Good … it wouldn’t do for them to be unable to find him. The caverns looked the same as they had before. The same green sign with its warning, the same chain across the entrance. The hills looked rocky and dismal under their light dusting of snow, and the afternoon sky was the color of iron. He shivered with the cold and anticipation. Parking his motorbike in the shelter of some rocks, Jay Jay slipped under the chain and entered the caverns.

He swung his flashlight around to see what was there. He was in a smallish room, like a kind of entrance hall, and on either side there were tunnels high enough to walk in, leading off into the depths. He surmised the underground chambers were laid out somewhat like the branches of a tree … or a maze. His eyes widened with wonder. This
was
a maze—it was just like the game! The walls were made of some kind of damp stone, and far away, softly, there was the sound of dripping water. Great pale stalactites and stalagmites gave the caverns an eerie look, showing how ancient this place was. It was almost beautiful.

Carefully, slowly, Jay Jay stepped forward, moving the beam of his light. His quick mind memorized where he had been. There, in the right-hand chamber, was a large black pool, with water dripping into it from the vault above. Oh, it was so wonderful, so glorious, so Tolkien! Gollum could live there in that cold, black, bottomless pool. Jay Jay could almost see him now, rising, hissing, turning his serpentine head this way and that in search of the delicate little morsel in the down coat. Suddenly the most exciting plan he had ever had in his life began to form in Jay Jay’s mind.

These caverns
were
the game. If a clever Maze Controller, himself of course, were to chart them, and then use real props … A cloak, for instance, with a bottle in the pocket containing a potion that could be either magic giving all knowledge or poison … real lanterns, real swords, real costumes, and a real treasure … They could all chip in for the treasure. That would give them more of an incentive to find it. The little charms, amulets, statues, writing on the wall, hidden scrolls, he would purchase himself and hide all around. The monsters, of course, would have to be imaginary, but there would always be the real danger of getting lost, or slipping and getting hurt, or even drowning. He shivered, partly with fear, partly with delight. He was a genius!

The caverns weren’t so cold and terrible. They were actually rather cool and pleasant, and he imagined they retained the same temperature all year round. They would be perfect to play in on warm days, and not too bad if they began the new game in winter. Of course, he’d have to wait until they finished playing Daniel’s game. Daniel had worked so hard on it they couldn’t just abandon it, even though now it seemed very dull and colorless to Jay Jay compared to what he had just concocted. First, he would have to talk the others into his plan. He was sure he could do it. Nothing scared Kate, Robbie was a follower, and Daniel liked difficult problems to solve. After he had convinced them, Jay Jay planned to let his character get killed in Daniel’s game. That would make the game much less interesting for the others. It would be a kind of sacrificial suicide. He laughed aloud, very pleased with himself. The sound rang off the walls, echoing in a pleasantly diabolical way. How funny that he had come here planning to kill himself and had ended up with a greater desire to live than he’d ever had before.

He picked his way carefully out of the caverns into the mundane world. The early winter dusk had fallen. He got back on his motorbike and rode into town, where he bought some sandwiches and sodas, and a dozen boxes of Pepperidge Farm croutons to drop as bread crumbs so he wouldn’t get lost. He also bought extra batteries for his flashlight. Tomorrow, when the hardware store was open, he would buy a real lantern. This would do for now.

Back to the caverns, his own adventureland of endless possibility. Jay Jay hummed happily as he began to investigate the first three chambers, dropping his croutons, arranging little piles of stones to give himself added clues to direction. He was aware how dangerous these mazes were, and he had no intention of ending his life. He felt a little frightened, which pleased him, and also very elated. At nine o’clock, ravenously hungry, he sat down with his back against a large rock and ate his sandwiches and drank his sodas, which were still cool. White paint, he thought, would be good for a secret message, or perhaps even luminous silver paint if he could find it. He knew there wasn’t anything he couldn’t find if he wanted to. He would invent ancient runes—aha!

Feeling very tired and cozy after his supper and his athletic and intellectual efforts, he lay down, pulling the hood of his coat over his head to act as a sort of pillow. It wouldn’t do to go back to the dorm tonight, then nobody would worry about him. He would go back tomorrow. And meanwhile, somehow it seemed as if sleeping here gave him proprietorship, making the caverns his own. He slept, and dreamed of the game, dreamed that they all loved him. A whole tribe of Sprites was sitting on little stone mushrooms, all applauding for him.
You are the cleverest of all, O Freelik the Frenetic of Glossamir
! they cried admiringly in their tiny voices. They were wearing silken robes in pale, iridescent colors, and every one of them looked just like him.

The next morning was cold and clear. Jay Jay rode back to the dorm in triumph, his motorbike a charger; feeling that he had indeed discovered a treasure. He was gratified to see that the others were very upset over his disappearance, particularly Kate.

“Where did you go?” she demanded. “I was scared to death.”

“I’ll tell you when I’m ready,” he said smugly.

“I fed Merlin and put the cover on his cage,” she said reproachfully. “That was a terrible note to leave. I didn’t know what you were going to do. If that was another one of your stupid jokes it wasn’t funny.”

“I’ll tell you tonight if you’re free,” he said.

“We’re playing the game tonight,” she said. “Aren’t we?”

“I’ll tell you before the game,” Jay Jay said. “When we’re all together.”

Sitting in Daniel’s room, in their circle, Jay Jay told them his plan. They looked at him and then at each other, confused, each waiting for someone else to tell them what to do. He could tell that they were both horrified and intrigued.

“It’s awfully dangerous,” Daniel said.

“That’s the point,” said Jay Jay.

“You spent the night there?” Kate said. “All by yourself?”

“Yup.”

“Did you see bones?”

Jay Jay smiled. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Bones … of course, he would have to get some bones too. “However, if you’re too afraid to try my idea …”

“There’s a difference between being brave and being reckless,” Kate said.

“We’re still playing
this
game,” Daniel said. He sounded hurt.

Jay Jay shrugged. “Think about it. We have plenty of time.”

Robbie hadn’t said a word. “What do you think, Robbie?” Kate asked.

“I’ll do whatever everybody else decides,” Robbie said.

“Don’t you have your own opinion?” Jay Jay asked acidly. It annoyed him the way Robbie always deferred to Kate. Just like a henpecked husband.

“I think it would be kind of exciting,” Robbie said.

“You see?” Jay Jay said. “He’s the only one with imagination.”

“Let’s just play my game till we finish it,” Daniel said. “I worked like hell on this game.”

Jay Jay smiled his guileless little smile. “There’s plenty of time,” he said. “I’ll bring this up again.”

Kate glanced at Daniel as if to say,
He’ll forget it. It’s just another of his crazy ideas.

But Jay Jay knew he would never forget it, and he wouldn’t give up. He had never been so excited by anything in his whole life.

CHAPTER 10

Robbie was not allowed to sleep in Kate’s room every night; she said the bed was too small and he disturbed her. He understood. It was difficult to pay attention in classes, do homework, and keep alert in the game when you hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep. For him it was even more difficult than for her, because he had to keep up his stamina in swimming practice. Her practicality was mature and sensible, and he agreed with her plan that they only sleep together overnight on weekends, but still he couldn’t help feeling a little rejected. If she really loved him she would find a way … He drove into town and went to the thrift shop and bought a double mattress which looked quite clean, and dragged it up the dormitory stairs and into his room. He bought a set of sheets and a blanket in the shopping mall, made their bed, and brought Kate into his room triumphantly to show her his surprise.

“Now we can live together,” he told her.

A flicker of fear came into her eyes and her face was grave. “It’s too soon,” she said.

“What’s too soon?” Her rejection hit him like a physical pain. He could actually feel it, a tightening in his chest. “We’re together all the time anyway.”

“Robbie, I never lived with anybody before. I’m not ready. I love you, but sometimes I like to be all alone.”

“Why would anybody want to be all alone?”

“It’s too soon,” she said again, sadly. “I’ve got all these pressures of school … us being together is the best thing in my life, but please don’t try to change it yet.”

“I’m never going to leave you,” he said, “if that’s what you’re worried about.” Over her shoulder he could look out the window at his ugly view of the parking lot. He wondered if she thought his room wasn’t good enough, not romantic enough. “We can put the bed in your room if you’d rather.”

“It’s not whose room we live in,” she said.

“I don’t understand.”

“Robbie, it’s really sweet that you bought the bed. We can use it weekends. It’ll be a lot more comfortable.” She took his hand and smiled at him. “Trust me.”

He locked the door quickly and drew her down on their new bed, to use it and thus make it real. She didn’t protest. But he could feel something in her drawing away from him, and it maddened him and made him feel afraid. For the first time his lovemaking was wild, possessive; not tender, not sweet. She had always been the strong one, she made the decisions, she was the leader, but not this time, not now. He became so frenzied that he didn’t even care whether she liked it or not. He tried to make up for all the times he’d never been able to understand her as well as he wanted to, to obliterate that stubborn core that resisted all the love and need he wanted to lavish on it. He wanted—for once, at last—to win.

It was the best sex he’d ever had, and as soon as he was finished he felt guilty, because he’d
liked
not caring what
she
wanted. He looked at her nervously, wondering if she knew what he was thinking.

“Wow,” she said. Her tone was totally noncommittal. He didn’t know if he’d won or lost, and he certainly didn’t dare ask her.

It occurred to him, in the days that followed, that he had expected love to make his life complete, and had never expected that a relationship might be two difficult people trying to become one. He couldn’t imagine how he could have been so stupid not to have known it after the example he had right under his nose at home with his battling parents. But they were from another era, nearly dinosaurs, and he had planned to be different. He had planned for everything to be perfect. He’d thought he really had everything figured out, but now he looked at his life and realized he’d been asleep. His schoolwork was piling up on him. It seemed as if there were never enough hours in the day, and he wondered if he could get a leave of absence from the swimming team, tell the coach he was worried about exams. Other people did that, or else they got thrown off the team for not keeping up. He knew he’d been wasting a lot of time having fun, going to movies with Kate, just being with her, playing the game with his friends, daydreaming. It was as if there were certain gaps in his memory: time vanished.

But he did nothing about it. He kept on with swimming practice, he kept spending evenings with Kate when he knew he needed to study more than she because she was so quick, and he kept playing the game. The game was a great emotional release for him because it kept him from worrying about everything else, for a while anyway.