Mazes and Monsters (18 page)

“You are not married,” The Great Hall said. “It is a false and sinful marriage.”

“No …” Pardieu said. He felt as if something of indescribable sweetness had just been ripped from his heart. His eyes filled with tears.

“In order to regain The graven Eye of Timor you must prove yourself worthy,” The Great Hall said. “Nothing is free. A Holy Man must be above all the lusts of the flesh.”

He knew it was true. He had to sacrifice many things to be holy. He felt sadness rise up in him, and then miraculously, it floated away, leaving only peace. It was good to make sacrifices. Worldly pleasures only weighed you down on your difficult travels through life.

“I am waiting for you,” The Great Hall said. “When you are truly worthy, you can come to me.”

Pardieu held out his hands. “Please let me,” he said. “Would you come back with me? I need you.”

“And I need you,” The Great Hall said. The blue light faded and was gone.

Robbie woke up feeling cold. He had kicked off the covers and was lying alone. Kate, on her side with her back to him, was curled up fast asleep on the other edge of the bed. He lay there for a few minutes, listening to her even breathing, trying to remember his dream. It was not a sad dream; it was only strange. He felt the possibility of unlimited power, and for the first time he knew that someday he
would
find Hall, that it was possible. It was different from the floating feeling he’d had after other dreams. It was a feeling of reality.

He moved over to Kate and put his arms around her, pressing his body against hers for comfort, and pulled the covers around his shoulders. He felt cozy and sleepy now, and safe and strong. He loved her and would take care of her as long as she wanted him to—but he knew in his heart she really didn’t need him. He supposed he’d always known that, but for the first time he could accept the knowledge quite calmly. He didn’t have to try to win anything. He could just love her, and accept her as she was. They had so much fun together. A relationship didn’t have to be a struggle; it could be this companionship. He felt he had reached a new level of understanding, and drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

CHAPTER 4

Everybody at Grant was sick and tired of winter. Now that they had passed their exams and there was nothing to frighten them, they tried to find new ways of occupying the long, dark evenings. There was skiing on weekends, and the usual parties in the dorms, and the usual excursions to town to hang around at Fat City or go to a movie, but they were all bored with the sameness of life and wanted more. Someone thought of having a 1950s prom. At last there was something to plan and to do.

Prom fever swept the campus, almost as though it really was the Fifties. Committees were formed. Research was done. It would be a costume party, of course, and the students canvassed local thrift shops, called their parents to see if by chance they had saved any old artifacts, and even went as far as Philadelphia to see what they could rent to wear. The students who formed the band that always played at parties learned old Fifties songs. It would be a formal dance, not a sock hop. They wanted to be sophisticated, glamorous, a little campy; and everyone had to have a date. The prom would be held in the gym.

Jay Jay was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to get anyone to go with him. They all came to his parties, but who would want to be with him alone? He zeroed in on the youngest, smallest, most frightened Freshman he could find: a sixteen-year-old scholarship student named Glenna, from a small town in the South; a physics major who was always studying and had had hardly any dates at all since coming to Grant. He hadn’t even bothered to invite her to his Brigitte Bardot birthday party.

To his surprise she seemed honored that he had noticed her. To his delight he discovered that she was malleable, and had a hidden sense of fun and style. He bought her harlequin glasses with rhinestones on them, told her how to do her hair, and picked out her dress: candy-pink taffeta with a cinched-in waist, a huge skirt, and a strapless top. He bought white silk pumps and had them dyed the same dreadful color as the dress. He found long white gloves, and because they didn’t fit he cut off the tips of the fingers. She was his Cinderella and he was her prince. Together they practiced putting grease on his curly hair to make it stay in a pompadour, and Glenna suggested setting it in rollers and spraying it, which hurt and didn’t look right after all their trouble. Then she suggested a crew cut. His Cinderella was turning into the wicked stepsister. Jay Jay decided to stay with the grease.

Before Daniel had a chance to accept any of the invitations he’d gotten, Jay Jay found him the perfect date. He’d noticed her coming out of one of the class buildings on a Monday at noon, and on Wednesday he made Daniel come with him and pointed her out. She was tall and voluptuous, with a wide pretty face that was both tough and vapid, a turned-up nose, large blue eyes, and bleached white-blond hair cut very short so it stood up. She had greased the sides back and was wearing safety pins in her ears instead of earrings, and a ripped black leather jacket with buttons on it for every punk rock group Jay Jay had ever heard of.

“She’s right out of
The Rocky Horror Show,
” Daniel said, dismayed.

“No, no. Take out those safety pins, put her in a slinky white dress, and she’s Kim Novak. Would I lie to you?”

She smiled at Daniel. “She scares me,” he hissed. He smiled back.

“Well, you don’t scare her,” Jay Jay whispered, pleased.

“Did anybody ever tell you you look like Kim Novak?” Daniel asked her.

“Yeah?” she said. “Did anybody ever tell you you look just like John Travolta?”

In five minutes she was Daniel’s date for the prom. Her name was Tina, she was a Sophomore, and when Jay Jay had fixed her up she looked exactly like Kim Novak. He was right as usual.

Robbie didn’t want to go to the prom at all. Kate had to insist. He had all kinds of weak excuses: it was silly, it was too much trouble, they were too involved with the game to waste time on this.

“I don’t know what’s the matter with him,” she told Jay Jay.

“Just do everything for him—he’s lazy,” Jay Jay said.

“He was never lazy before.”

“Robbie’s kind of square,” Jay Jay said. “He probably really does think he’ll look silly. He’ll catch the spirit when we all do it.”

“He doesn’t mind wearing a costume when we play the game,” Kate said. “I guess that’s because nobody sees him. It’s really funny; lately he doesn’t seem to enjoy things the way he used to. He’s not depressed—it’s more that he’s kind of … serene all the time. Have you noticed?”

“No,” Jay Jay said. “But you see him more than I do.”

“Maybe it’s my imagination,” Kate said.

The night of the prom the six of them went together. Kate was wearing a dark red dress with a strapless top, a waist cincher, and a full skirt propped out with a crinoline. She had her hair up in a French roll, was wearing blood red lipstick; and she looked perfectly beautiful. Jay Jay thought that Kate could wear anything, no matter how odd, and she would always look better than anyone else. He could see from the appreciative glances she was getting that other people thought so too.

“Maybe you’d better take those glasses off, Glenna,” he told his date. “They’re a little much.”

“It’s okay with me,” Glenna said, putting them into her pink purse. “I can’t see out of the dang things anyhow.”

The gym was mobbed with people, all slow-dancing and looking around to check out the clothes. Daniel was wearing a navy blue pin-striped suit, a wide flowered tie, and a hat, and he looked like a sexy gangster. He had decided not to look like a greaser; that wouldn’t be worthy of Kim Novak.

“I can’t breathe in this dress,” Tina complained.

“It’s worth it,” Daniel said. “You look fabulous.”

“Really? Maybe I should change my image.”

Kate had brought her camera. “I want pictures!” she cried excitedly. “Everybody has to pose.”

She took pictures of them all: Jay Jay in his Fifties tuxedo, pinning a gardenia corsage on Glenna’s pink dress, Daniel and Tina glued together dancing cheek to cheek, and then Daniel took a picture of Kate and Robbie smiling and holding hands.

“A perfect prom picture!” Kate said happily. “Wait—I have another one we have to do. I saw it in my mother’s yearbook. One of you guys sit on a chair and all the women will sit at his feet looking up adoringly. Come on.”

She herded them into the pose, chuckling, making Robbie be the object of their attention. He had finally gotten into the party spirit and seemed to be having a good time. He held his hands out, as if blessing them.

“No, no,” Kate said. “You pretend to be telling a story or a joke or something. We’re all trying to be popular.”

“They didn’t do that at a prom,” Daniel said.

“No, but they did it in the dorm, so it counts for Fifties.”

“Boy, that’s wild,” Tina said. “They must have been kidding.”

A large punch bowl had been set on a table in the corner, filled with something red and sweet. Various people kept putting different kinds of alcoholic beverages into it until it became very potent. The gym was decorated with crepe paper and balloons, and that along with the punch gave the dance the air of a rather decadent children’s party. Jay Jay noticed Robbie put down his plastic cup of punch, untasted.

“Robbie’s going to drive home,” Jay Jay announced. “Since he’s the only one not getting drunk.”

“It’s okay with me,” Robbie said.

“Good,” Jay Jay said. He took Glenna by the hand and led her outside into the darkness behind the building, where he introduced her to the first pot she’d ever had in her life.

Now that Robbie was here and having fun, he couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t wanted to come. It had been one of those weird things where he’d had the feeling something bad might happen. He was glad he was going to drive, and he made sure Kate didn’t drink too much because he didn’t know what was in that punch and he didn’t want her to get sick. He’d heard about a party once where someone had put LSD into the punch and everybody had gone crazy. He was sure this was just liquor, but even that wasn’t too good for you if you mixed it. Kate looked so beautiful in that red dress; it went with her coloring. Her enthusiasm was catching. You couldn’t ever not have a good time with Kate.

Daniel’s date looked like a cow, and Jay Jay’s looked like a mouse. But they both seemed to be nice people. It was too bad they were just props. Neither of those girls meant anything to Daniel or Jay Jay. Only he, Robbie, was lucky enough to be with the person he loved. He could look at Kate the whole time he was dancing with her because her crinoline was so big they couldn’t get very close. He felt he could look at her forever, especially when she was smiling the way she was now, making him feel he was part of what was making her so happy.

When the dance was over they went back to the dorm. Tina, to no one’s surprise, had decided to spend the night in Daniel’s room. Glenna thanked Jay Jay politely and went off to her own, alone. Jay Jay didn’t seem to mind at all. He wasn’t interested in a sixteen-year-old Freshman.

“I’ll just change and then I’ll be in,” Kate whispered to Robbie.

He lay on their bed, waiting for her, and his thoughts drifted away to total blankness. He felt peaceful and calm. Not tired, just really good. She slipped into his room like a wraith, wearing her plaid flannel bathrobe that made her look about twelve years old. She had washed off the Fifties makeup and let her hair down. He thought she looked even more beautiful this way. She took off her robe and snuggled next to him, naked and soft.

“Why are you wearing your underpants?” she asked.

He’d forgotten to take them off. He felt her hands at the elastic, helping him. Then they were lying together, skin on skin, her fragrant hair falling across his face. She brushed it back with a graceful movement of her arm and kissed him gently. He kissed her back, sweetly, as one would one’s best friend. He felt no desire at all. He stroked her shoulder absently, remembering the way he used to feel—when was it?—a week ago, two weeks? Sometimes he lost time.

He felt her hand on him. He took it away, tenderly so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings. He hoped she would understand. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t his fault either; it was as if sex and desire had simply drained out of his life without his even noticing, almost imperceptibly, and now they were gone.

Her eyes were large and dark and sympathetic. “Robbie …?”

“It’s all right,” he said kindly.

“Of course it is,” she said. “This happens sometimes.”

It was best to tell her the truth. She would understand. “I can’t,” he said simply.

“You’re just tired. Don’t worry about it.”

“I can’t do it with you anymore,” he said.

“What did I do?” she asked. She sounded like a frightened little child now, not the understanding woman she had been pretending to be. He put his arms around her to comfort her. He knew she would not misinterpret the gesture.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No. You? Never.”

“Well, what do you mean you can’t do it anymore? You can’t, or you don’t want to, or what?”

He hadn’t even thought about it. “I don’t know. Both, I guess. I can’t give you an answer.”

She drew away from him and sat up, her arms hugging her knees. It reminded him of the first time she had taken him into her room, the night of Jay Jay’s party, when she sat on her desk and asked him to tell her about himself. That seemed so long ago, a lifetime.

“I think we should discuss this,” she said. “Rationally.”

“Please don’t be upset,” Robbie said. “I do love you.”

“I don’t understand,” she said. “Just because you don’t feel like doing it one time doesn’t mean you never want to do it again. Does it? I mean, don’t be silly. Look, if you don’t love me … if you met somebody else, or if you don’t want to go with me anymore, don’t lie and say you love me.”

“I do love you,” Robbie said calmly. “Why can’t you understand?”

“I’m trying to.”

“Why don’t we just go to sleep?” he said.