Matt & Brooklyn: A Standalone in the "Again for the First Time" Family Saga (AFTFT Book 2) (27 page)

“I hate letting you leave me.” He spoke softly and then smiled, leaving his forehead pressed to mine as he cupped my cheeks in his hands. I looped my fingers around his wrists and held on, too.

My eyes fluttered shut and the noise around us faded, becoming nonexistent as we clung to one another. “Tell me I’m not making a mistake,” I whispered, letting my guard down even further, letting him know that I wasn’t strong enough to make this decision on my own.

No words came and my heart sank, fearing he jumped to the same conclusion I thought he would—that my career meant more to me than him.

“Brook… I can’t think of anyone in the world who deserves this more than you. The experience, the things you’ll see, the people you’ll meet…” He paused, and I knew our past conversation influenced the next thing he said. “I would never want you to give anything up for me.” Guilt nearly swallowed me whole; those were practically my words verbatim. “I want you to have it all. I’ll still be here when you get back.”

We’d had a similar talk back when things between us were cut and dry; when Matt left to come here, to L.A. It was me who encouraged him to chase his dream, ignoring the obvious reluctance I saw behind his eyes. When he asked then what I thought he should do, I think he was hoping I’d tell him how I felt, but I didn’t. I was too afraid and too stubborn to admit that I loved him. Would he still have come here, I liked to think so, but he would’ve done so with the same understanding that we had now—that no matter what happened, no matter where we went, things would never change.

“I’ll see you when I come home in a few weeks,” he said, kissing me one last time before I had to board.

Several times, I glanced back over my shoulder at him, imagining myself having to do this about a month from now when I left for Johannesburg, only then we’d be saying goodbye for a lot longer than a few weeks.

I took my seat and cried softly to myself, turning my face toward the plane window so no one would notice. I hated what this was doing to me, doing to
us.
I hated that I feared what would happen if I turned South Africa down. Why couldn’t I just accept that I couldn’t control everything and let the chips fall where they may? That would’ve been such a relief, to not feel like I always had to grip the steering wheel of my life so tightly.

It was all said and done now, though. Matt knew what my plans were, and soon we’d be an ocean apart, hoping what we had was strong enough to withstand the time and distance.

God… I hope I’m doing the right thing.

Chapter Twelve

Brooklyn

My family was starting to grow weary of these impromptu gatherings. It seemed like every time a member called one, it was to drop a bomb.

Today was no different.

I’d mulled over the idea of telling my sisters individually about my plans to leave, but after the emotionally draining experience of telling Matt, I wanted to get it all over with at one time.

I still hadn’t completely recovered from that conversation with him and here it was almost a week later. When he and I talked on the phone now, which was several times a day, we didn’t mention Johannesburg at all. In fact, we talked about everything
but
that. He was putting on a good front, which I knew was mostly for my benefit, and I appreciated it because I was at my emotional breaking point.

Already it was noon, the time my mother had asked us to be at her and my father’s house. When I informed everyone that I needed to talk to them, Mom thought Saturday brunch would be perfect since we were all available.

I hopped into my car and made the short trip to my parents’ house. My sisters were here, which meant I’d find them inside discussing me, trying to figure out what I wanted to talk to them about. That was fine, though. Maybe if their assumptions were bad enough, it’d soften the blow when I delivered the truth. Chances were they thought it was about my not-so-typical marriage situation with Matt. While, yeah, they’d be interested to know that I am still technically a married woman, that wasn’t why they were here today.

The front door was wide open, so I pulled the screen and let myself in. I heard everyone in the kitchen, moving about to put the finishing touches on the meal, I assumed. When I hit the doorway, that was exactly what I found; my sisters all talking at once, but still somehow managing to hear one another; my mother mixing a batch of my grandmother’s punch, looking beautiful as ever with her dark dreads piled in a bun on top of her head.

Luke and Darren were passing a football back and forth while my two nephews tried fruitlessly to intercept it. My dad was in the yard, too, sitting in the grass with my nieces, Destiny and Mallory, while they played in his long hair. The older he got, the more he resembled the photo of his father on the mantle. I leaned against the doorframe, observing, still unnoticed, remembering how I used to sit and stare at the picture all the time as a kid, thinking my grandfather looked like a proud, Native-American chief. I laughed at the thought of it.

Glancing back to the yard, I noticed Lia had even joined in on the fun, French braiding the half of my dad’s head the little ones weren’t working on. Already, I missed them all. I’d miss this, the family gatherings. I’d even miss my sisters poking and prodding in my life.

Lissy was the soft-hearted one of the family; the one who loved the hardest. She was probably the easiest to talk to out of all my sisters because she was never quick to judge or look down on anyone. Yeah, I could still call her once I left the country, but… it wouldn’t be the same. I’d miss our spur of the moment ice cream runs or hanging at her house with my niece. If I could pack them all up and take them with me, I would.

Aura was the most level-headed of us all. Whereas I tend to over think things and spiral, she’s always rational. I depend on her to set me straight when my mind is in overdrive. I thought back to when I crashed my mom’s car at seventeen. Aura was away at college, but she was the first person I called. There were a lot of tears and rambling on my part, but she never faltered. She explained why I should be straight forward with my mother, telling her the story exactly the way it happened. Her philosophy was that my mom would respect that I came to her like an adult, although she did tell me to be prepared for her to punish me to the fullest. I took her advice and was able to have that talk with my mother. If I’d gotten caught up in my emotions, she would’ve gotten caught up in hers, which would’ve led to her yelling at me. But I stayed calm and so did she. It was then that I deemed Aura my therapist.

Delia was always good for a laugh; her and Bean both. As the oldest sisters, they set great examples for Aura, Lissy, and I to follow. They came down on us hard when they needed to and loved us hard, too. Our unit was impenetrable. Where one was weak, another was strong. We, the James sisters, were a formidable group of women and I was proud to stand among them.

“Hey!” my mother greeted me. “I didn’t even see you standing there,” she said, walking over to embrace me. When she did, I held on tight, inhaling the scent of the perfume she’d worn since as far back as I could remember. It made me think of all the tears she’d kissed away, all the advice and wisdom she’d imparted to me over the years, and reminded me of being a child—feeling safe and carefree. I was content just holding on to her. She picked up on my sadness as we separated, rubbing my shoulder when I finally let go.

“Everything okay, baby?”

I nodded. “Yeah… everything’s fine. When do we eat?” I asked, smiling.

She checked the time. “Give me five minutes to set the table out on the patio, then we’re good to go.” She gave a gentle smile and then went back to what she was doing.

I looked up to find my dad coming through the door, toting two of the prettiest little girls I’d ever seen in his arms—and sporting quite the hair do. He had random ponytails and barrette’s dangling from his head, but he was smiling nonetheless. He lived for these moments.

“When’d you get here, kiddo?” he asked, setting the girls down gently before coming to hug me.

“Not too long ago,” I told him, feeling my chest tighten even more.

“Well… the gang’s all here,” he said. “So are you gonna give your speech before or after we eat.”

I laughed. “What speech?”

He shrugged and leaned against the wall. “Whatever you brought us here to tell us.”

My laugh faded to a barely-there smile. “It can wait,” I answered. “We’ll eat first. I’m sure the kids are all hungry.”

“And so am I,” Bean chimed in.

“Then come help me bring all this out to the table,” my mother suggested, walking through the door my father held open for her. One by one, my sisters filed out, carrying dishes of food, quickly drawing the attention of all the children. We each found seats, not minding the closeness as we gathered around the not-quite-big-enough table, and ate. It wasn’t unusual to catch a stray elbow in the arm or to grab the wrong drinking glass by mistake, but this was us. This was how we were.

Close.

I helped clear the table while Lia and Lissy kept the dishwashing assembly line going. In no time, we were all full and content… which meant the only reason we were all still here was because of me.

“Okay, lay it on us,” my dad said when we all gathered in the living room.

Nervous, I sat on the hearth with all their eyes fixed on me, even the kids. There was no easy way to say what I had to say, so I took a breath and… “I’m gonna be leaving for a while.”

No one spoke. Delia cocked her head to the side and eyed me, but even
she
stayed quiet.

“I’ll be gone for a year. It’s… it’s a work thing, an opportunity Raj presented me with on the day of my graduation party. And I… I officially accepted last week, so…”

“Where will you be going?” The question came from Lia and I was so afraid she’d be upset with me. Our relationship was special and I didn’t want to lose that. A lot could change in a year.

I had to take another deep breath. “Johannesburg.”

One, or all, of my sisters gasped. From the looks on their faces, I gathered that they were stunned, but I had to trust that they understood why I would venture so far. They knew what my goals were, how hard I’d worked to get where I am, but the look on Lia’s face said otherwise.

“Where’s Johannesburg?” she asked.

“South Africa,” my mother answered distractedly; she was clearly in shock.

Lia was horrified; I could see it in her eyes.

“I don’t like it,” Bean chimed in, but held her tongue after that. She and my other sisters were bound to be resistant to me leaving. Hell, I’d be the same way if one of them came to
me
with this news. The distance will make it impossible to get to me if there’s an emergency. Even if they did find the money to come visit, it would take them at least a day to come to my rescue. There was a level of discomfort that I felt, too, but we would all just have to trust that things would work out.

“It’s just for a year,” I reiterated, knowing that sounded just as bad to them as it did to me.

They all started talking at once, firing off questions, giving their opinions—none bad—but they wanted to know why I was doing this, if I’d thought it all the way through, if there was another way.

My father quieted them. “All right, all right… let her finish talking,” he said just loud enough to be heard over the chatter. Raising all of us had made him an expert.

I looked down at my hands clasped together in my lap, realizing they were shaking. “If I didn’t think going would help me get a full-time position in a couple years, I wouldn’t even have considered it, but—”

“Sweetheart, I think it’s wonderful,” my mother cut in. I heard her words, but the expression on her face didn’t match. Of course, she knew this was a once in a lifetime chance to gain experience I wouldn’t otherwise, but it was still clear that the general consensus was what I expected—they were sad.

The room was completely quiet. I looked around at all their faces and waited. “Say something,” I begged softly.

Luke cleared his throat and rubbed Lissy’s shoulder while she stared out the window in a daze.

“Congratulations… I guess,” Lia said, and then there was silence again.

*****

My father stuck around to talk to me after the others cleared out. He plopped down beside me on the couch and just… existed in the silence. I felt so torn. I expected this to be hard, but... not
this
hard.

“Dad?”

In my peripheral, I saw his head turn. “Yes?”

A tear ran down my otherwise emotionless face. I needed his input, his honest opinion about what I planned to do. “Tell me I’m doing the right thing.”

I’d asked Matt the same thing, but he gave the only answer he could without seeming selfish; he said I should go. My father, on the other hand, had never been one to sugarcoat for
anyone
. If you didn’t want to know what was really on his mind, you were better off not asking. Kind of like me.

His hand came down on mine and he squeezed. “Sweetheart… I think the only one who can answer that is you.”

I didn’t say anything, just kept trying to figure out which way was up.

“Is there something else bothering you? Another reason you’re questioning your decision?” he asked. “Because the Brook
I
know would’ve come in here tonight proud, smiling, and looking forward to this move. Would it be scary? Yeah, maybe a little, but you wouldn’t be doubting your decision.”

We were silent and I thought about that. He was right. Although, I would’ve been leery about leaving my family behind, this perpetual sadness wouldn’t have been an issue.

“What else is going on?” he asked.

I hadn’t updated him on the status of my relationship with Matt. As far as he knew, I was still pretending to only want a friendship with him, although my dad had always been on the same bandwagon as my mother and sisters in terms of knowing I was only in denial.

“I’m in love with Matt,” I freely admitted.

The sound of my father’s deep, hearty laugh made me look his way. “You don’t say?” The words were dripping with sarcasm and I smiled a little. My dad pulled me in when his arm went around my shoulder and kissed the top of my hair. “Sweetheart, everyone knew you loved him but you.”

That was true. But on some level I
did
know how I felt about Matt; I just didn’t want to accept it.

“So, what’s the problem? You’re scared you’ll lose him if you leave?” he asked.

That wasn’t quite it. I wasn’t worried about Matt finding someone else or worried about his feelings fading. I simply just… I didn’t want to miss anything. What we had was good. And not that ‘
honeymoon phase
’ good; this was the real thing. One thing about us being friends for so long first, all the false niceties and fronting had all dropped off a long time ago. Although, we’d only just gotten to this place, my relationship with Matt was already tried and proven. We knew one another inside and out. Who he was today, he’d be that same beautiful person tomorrow. This was a fact.