Matchmakers 2.0 (A Novel Nibbles title) (5 page)

Chapter 9

Miri strolled through my door, two pizza boxes in her arms.  “Hey Jazie, good to see you again.  You bring the Bellini fixings?”  The three of us had first bonded over peach Bellinis, and it was still our girls-night drink of choice.

Jazie handed over a Bellini.  “Yep.  And chocolate fudge.”

I hoped the fudge was spiked.  I really needed to know Miri’s secret formula for
Match the Loser
.  At this point, it wasn’t really about professional pride.  I just couldn’t believe anyone could keep a secret for two years.

I picked up two Netflix envelopes.  “
Laurel Canyon
, or
Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
?”  We were working our way through
O Magazine
’s list of the top fifty chick flicks of all time.  Guess whose idea that was.  

Miri pulled a huge folder out of her bag, along with three astrology charts.  “I want you guys to help me with my
Match the Loser
stuff.  The only deal is, we have to do it before we get too drunk.  I have to maintain some professionalism.”

I was not prepared for such early success.  “You’re going to share the secret formula?  Why would you do that?”

She grinned at me.  “Because it’s my last
Loser
contest.  I’m giving you notice on Monday.”  She spun around in a circle, astrology charts in one hand, Bellini in the other.  “I’m opening my bookstore.  I signed a lease this morning.”

Miri had talked forever about opening an astrology bookstore and new-age café.  I had no idea she’d been serious.

Jazie hugged her.  “Congratulations, girl!  Get me some business cards I can hand out.”

Miri’s Bellini was in jeopardy.  “I’m so excited.  I want to do charts for parents, to help them learn about the little souls they’ll be raising.  I have some great baby name books on order, too.”

“You can come do a talk for my mamas’ group; they’ll love it.”

I rescued all of the Bellinis before one hit my rug.  Gotta keep those garage sale finds in good shape.  I was happy for Miri; really, I was.  I just don’t handle change well, especially when it means I’ll have more work to do, not to mention spending hours alone in a room every day with newly-in-love Derrick.  Maybe she could stick around, at least until I found a replacement.

Miri knows me pretty well.  “I’m sorry, Mick, but you’ll sort it out at work.  When the stars line up, you just have to go for it, you know?  The planets won’t be this well positioned for me again for fourteen years.”

Hell, I couldn’t very well screw up her life for the next decade-and-a-half.  “I’m really happy for you.” 

I made a mental note to introduce her to Sam.  Maybe he could do erotic book signings or something.  That would be sure to draw a crowd.  At the very least, it sounded like he bought enough books to keep her in business single-handedly.

Miri picked up her Bellini again and waved it around.  “In that case, have a drink, and I’ll share my super-secret formula for matchmaking success.”

I could drink to that. 

Miri picked up her astrology charts.  “Here’s the deal.  The contest isn’t really about making matches.  It’s about getting the best satisfaction scores from one date.”

I nodded my head.  “Right. But, isn’t that pretty much the same as making matches?”

Jazie laughed.  Clearly, I was missing something obvious.

“Girl, you need to get out more.”  Miri grabbed a pizza box.  Whatever her strategy was, apparently we could eat at the same time.  “So, I had to shift my way of looking at things.  How do you get the best satisfaction score from a first date, especially with people who have been historically hard to match?”

Jazie toasted Miri.  “You’re so brilliant.”  They giggled together.

I was still in the dark, dammit.  “What?  I don’t get it.”

That just made them laugh harder.  Jazie finally relented.  “Mick, you’re old and withered before your time.  Mind-blowing sex.  Miri’s setting people up for hot, steamy dates.”

I stared at Miri.  “You win the contest by trying to get your people laid?”

She shrugged.  “It works, doesn’t it?”

I couldn’t argue with a four-contest winning streak.  “That’s so not the point of the contest.  I love it.  Jazie’s right; you’re freaking brilliant.”

“I figured anyone who’s been in our system for six months is either hopeless partner material, or not really looking for a match.  Everyone can use some nice, steamy sex, so I gave that a try.  When it won, I just kept refining the technique.”

Jazie laid back into my couch.  “So how do you match people up for mind-blowing sex?  Inquiring minds want to know.”

Miri waved her astrology charts again.  Of course.

She handed us copies.  “These are specialized astrology charts focusing on sexual compatibility.”  She winked.  “I’ll be selling them in my bookstore.”

Yeah, those would sell like hotcakes.  I looked at the chart.  Each sign could match up with twelve different possibilities.  This was not for the mathematically challenged.

Jazie was reading in fascination.  “It says Mark and I have sparks flying at the beginning, but a strong inner fire will keep the engines of lust burning forever.”  She toasted us.  I think she’d already moved on to Bellini number two.

“Awesome for you,” said Miri, beaming at her star pupil.  “Long-term hot sex is great, but for the contest, I just look at what it says for initial sparks.  I look for the match with the best chance of immediate gratification.  For both partners,” she ended righteously.

“So, what about Mick and Sam?” asked Jazie.

Miri frowned.  “Who’s Sam?”

Cripes.  I was so hoping to stick with the astrologically-blessed sex lives of other people.  “He’s a new guy I dated.  Just once, I might add.”

“When’s his birthday?”

I shrugged.  “Who knows?”  I shrugged again when she glared at me.  “It’s not something I usually ask on a first date.”

Miri looked totally shocked.  “No wonder you’ve had so many dating disasters, girl.  Have I taught you nothing in three years?”

Jazie spoke up.  “Won’t his birthday be in his profile, Mick?”

“You’re dating someone from MatchMakers?”  Miri looked gleeful. 

I gave into the inevitable and logged into my MatchMakers user account.  “His birthday is, oh, give me a break.  It says February fourteenth.  No way.”

“Did he lie about other stuff?  Post a fake picture?”  Miri knew all the classic pants-on-fire signs.

“No.  Fine.  Maybe he really was born on Valentine’s Day.”  I could see the stars in their eyes already.

“Well, that makes him an Aquarius,” said Miri, “although he might have undertones of Virgo as well.”  She wiggled her eyebrows at me.  I had no idea what that meant.

“Aquarius men are sensual and inventive lovers.”  Jazie was reading from the astrological sex chart.  “Erotic and imaginative, they make wonderful short and long-term sexual partners.  Mick, you hit the jackpot.  Told you so.”

“You’re Libra,” said Miri, “but you must have something else going on astrologically, because you’re the least spontaneous Libra I’ve ever met.  Libra and Aquarius are a great sex match, though.  You should definitely jump him, Mick.”  She grinned at me.  “Or in your case, let him jump you.”

“He’d better do it,” said Jazie dryly.  “Mick will make that happen about the time I become a grandmother.”

“Thanks a lot.”  I grabbed another piece of pizza.

Miri raised an eyebrow.  “No first date nooky, huh?  Aquarius men are usually open to rapid intimacy.”

Forget pizza; I needed chocolate.  I dug around in Jazie’s grocery bag for the fudge.  “We were at Cosmic.  They frown on sex while you eat your burritos.”

Jazie laughed and shook her head.  “Don’t blame it on the viewing public.  You got hung up because he writes erotica.”

Miri almost dropped her pizza.  “Mick’s dating a guy who writes sexy books?  That’s so perfect. Are they any good?”

She and Jazie had obviously made some serious headway into the Bellinis.  Maybe I’d have felt less like a bug under a microscope if I’d been keeping up.

Jazie pulled a book out of her purse and passed it to Miri.  “They’re totally good.”

Nope, Bellinis weren’t going to make this any better.  I downed mine anyhow.  “You bought one of his books?”

“Duh,” said Jazie.  “All I have to say is, when you finally hop in bed with him, if he’s half as good as his imagination, you’re going to have one heck of a ride.  And I expect you to tell me all about it.”

Miri was deep into Chapter One, already.  “He’s so Aquarius,” she sighed.  “Mick, you are so lucky.”

Jazie pulled a second copy of the book out of her bag and handed it to me.  “Here, I got you a copy, too.  Actually, I got three; I’m not done reading mine, yet. Mark and I got distracted somewhere in Chapter Four.”

Mental note to self.  Definitely skip Chapter Four.

Chapter 10

Fortunately, I’d picked Sunday afternoon for my second date with Sam.  It took all of Saturday for my head to recover from the wicked combination of too many Bellinis and Sam’s writing.

Miri and Jazie had insisted on reading several chapters aloud.  I was trying very hard not to think about them as I waited for Sam at the entrance to Duke Gardens.  There had been one chapter in his book that I was pretty sure took place down by the Japanese pond.

Sam strolled over, right on time.  “Hey, Mick.”  He took the picnic basket from my hands.  Yeah, I’d set this date up in a really weak moment.

“Hey, yourself.  Do you want to eat first, or wander around a little?”

“I’m a guy.  Let’s eat first.  You’ve been here before, right? Do you want the big meadow by the pond, or somewhere a little more off the beaten path?”

I chickened out.  “The meadow—I like watching the ducks get mad when Frisbees land in the water.” 

He laughed and took my hand.  It was really nice, and that was a good thing.  I’d spent the last few days feeling like a horrible prude, and it needed to stop.  I’m clearly not as widely read as some of my friends, but I’m not Jane Austen, either.

“I’m glad you agreed to this,” he said.  “The writing thing turns off a lot of women, and I wasn’t sure which camp you were going to land in.”

My honesty genes kicked in.  “Me, neither.  Which made me feel fairly stupid, since you didn’t even blink an eye about what I do.”

He grinned.  “I knew what you did.  I Googled you.  Found your Facebook picture, too.  I’m not a total nimwit.”

I stuck out my tongue at him.  Maturity is not one of my best things.  “And here I was giving you bonus points for not being hooked on appearances.”

“To risk repeating myself, I’m a guy.  I’d have gone on the first date anyhow, though.  I found your Ph.D. thesis online too.  Any woman who can study guppy sex for four years is worth at least one date.”

My cheeks had to have been the color of pizza sauce.  “It wasn’t sex; it was mating behaviors.”

“Sex and mating behaviors are pretty much the same thing for a guy.  Ask your boy guppies.”

I had spent more time embarrassed in the last few days than in the past twenty years.  Well, maybe not; being a teenage girl had been pretty embarrassing.  “Is there anything you didn’t know about me?”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders.  “I didn’t know you’re really cute when you’re embarrassed.  I didn’t know you have a soft spot for little old ladies.  And, I didn’t know you’re a closet romantic.”  He held up the picnic basket and gestured at the gardens. 

“It was a weak moment,” I mumbled.  When you spend half your single life moaning about the lack of decent guys, it’s hard to know what to do when you actually find one.  I’m not good with change.

“So, tell me about what makes you have weak moments,” he said.  “This spot work?”

We’d reached the edge of the meadow, a grassy, downhill slope to the duck pond.  It was one of my favorite places to be in Durham.  I told him about Derrick in love as we set up the picnic.

“It’s creepy,” I finished, “but kind of sweet, too.”

“See, closet romantic.”  Sam started to pull things out of his messenger bag—a bottle of wine, a Frisbee, and one of his books.  It was the same book Jazie had given me.  Must be the one with the secret erotica-for-beginners label.

My face was back to red. 

“What?” he teased.  “You don’t play Frisbee?”  He handed me the book.  “I figured you’d be curious, and it was better to get it out of the way.  This one’s my best seller.”

Time to grow up, girl.  “I already read it.”

Sam looked pleased.  “That was fast.  It’s hard to find here, oddly enough.”

I squirmed.  Honesty genes again.  “I didn’t buy it; my friend Jazie supplied it.  She’s probably a good part of why I agreed to the second date, too.”

Sam laughed, and pulled a pen out of his backpack.  He signed the book and gave it to me. 
To Jazie.  I owe you one.  Sam
.  Yeah, like that wasn’t going to give her a big head.

He grinned.  “I’ll sign your copy, too, if you want.”

You can only be embarrassed for so long.  “Chapter Seven, maybe?”

Sam looked confused.  I opened the book to Chapter Seven and handed it to him.  His turn for red cheeks.  He was right; they were really cute.  “I, uh, forgot about that chapter, but even I can tell that sounds really lame.  Tell me you liked it, at least.”

“Wasn’t much not to like, but I’m not walking in the Japanese garden with you later.”  His cheeks got redder.  Yup, that was definitely the location for Chapter Seven.  “So tell me, do you make all that stuff up, or do you have a particular fondness for being reckless in outdoor places?”

He handed me a drumstick.  “I have a very vivid imagination and a fondness for the outdoors, but I’m a lot more private than my characters.”

I munched on chicken.  Privacy was good.  I had some fairly stirred-up hormones after reading his stuff all weekend, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to act on them in the middle of Duke Gardens.

A small child wandered onto our blanket.  She grabbed Sam’s Frisbee and plunked herself down in his lap.  She grinned up at him and talked gibberish.  Add ‘fluent in baby-speak’ to Sam’s credentials.  He flirted with her like an experienced pro.  The toddler wobbled off a few moments later, still clutching his Frisbee.

He waved at her.  “I hope you weren’t really attached to playing Frisbee.”

I make little squishy animal toys as a hobby.  Of course I’m a total sucker for kids.  “You were really good with her.”

“My sister has twins.  They’re five now and starting school, but it was pretty crazy when they were little.  I put in a lot of uncle time.”  He shrugged.  “I like kids.”

I gave him what he wanted to know.  “Me, too.  You’re lucky to have some that you can share close by.”  I had no idea how we’d moved from erotic books to the unspoken desire for future parenthood in the space of one drumstick.  Heavy stuff for a second date.

I was getting way sucked in.  It was really hard to believe I was going to have to thank MatchMakers for this.  Or Derrick.  Maybe something in Duke Gardens was contagious.

Time for another moment of weakness.  “So, do you want to go to an engagement party?”

He looked puzzled, but agreeable.  “Writers are up for all kinds of weird stuff.”

“Remember the old lady and her date at Cosmic?  Her name’s Hazel.  I think he’s George.”  My honesty gene was on overdrive.  “I set them up through MatchMakers.  They’re having an engagement party on Tuesday.”

Sam grinned.  “That, I didn’t find out on Google.  I knew you had a total soft spot for her.  How long ago did you set them up?”

“Cosmic was their first date; you had them pegged.”

“Go, George.”  Sam looked very impressed. 

“I think it’s more like ‘Go, Hazel’,” I said.  “She bagged her first husband in six weeks.  I don’t think George stood a chance.”

“This I have to see.  Just let me know where and when on Tuesday.”

I handed him back his book.  “I think you’ll see Jazie there, too, so you can give her this yourself.  It will save me from a multitude of questions I don’t want to answer.”  I gave him my evil grin.  “She can ask you, instead.”

“That may require a guy date in compensation.  Can I drag you to a baseball game?  There’s a triple-A team here in town, the Bulls.   They’re pretty good.  I have season tickets.”

I was pathetically grateful for common ground that didn’t involve sex or kids.  “We’ll see whether your season-ticket seats are better than mine.”

It was a fairly epic second date.  We walked, we talked for hours, we even joined a Frisbee game for a while.  He kisses at least as well as any of his characters.  Anyone wanting more details than that will have to wait for Sam’s next book.