Matchmakers 2.0 (A Novel Nibbles title) (4 page)

Chapter 7

Sam was still on my mind when I met Jazie for lunch the next day.  He’d sent me a sweet message through our system and asked for a second date.  I was conflicted.

Jazie could tell.  I’d taken about two bites of salad before she pinned me down with her best don’t-mess-with-me stare.  “What is going on with you?  You’re doing that staring-off-into-space scowling thing you do when you’ve got a problem to solve.”

That’s what best friends are for, to make you feel weird about your unconscious facial expressions.  “I have two problems.  Man trouble, and
Match the Loser
contest trouble.  Which do you want to hear about first?”

She rolled her eyes.  “Man trouble.  Duh.  What happened? Did you go out with Ian again?”

“Nope.  I’ve had two new dates in three days.  I put my profile in our system, remember?” 

Jazie rubbed her hands together.  “Excellent.  What happened?”

“The first guy came as part of a threesome.  They’re happy to share or take turns, whichever I prefer.”

“Eeeeewwww.  I thought you flagged people for that sort of stuff.”

“We do, but someone has to report them first.  He’s flagged now.”  Karma said I’d probably get him in my next
Match the Loser
batch, since setting someone’s kinky flag pretty much ruined their chances for good matches.  Oddly enough, matching kinky clients with each other had been really unsuccessful, and it was bad for business to match them with anyone else.

Jazie shuddered and moved on.  Easy to do when you’re not swimming in a dangerous pool of single guys with unknown kink status.  “Was the second date any better?”

I waffled.  “Yeah.  I really liked him, actually.”  I held up a hand to forestall visions of shiny red hearts and dancing in the moonlight.  Jazie’s visions, not mine.  Gooey-in-love friends always want you to fall over the edge and join them.  “Just one problem.  He writes erotica for a living.”

Jazie laughed.  “That’s a problem?  Is he any good?”

I sighed.  “Be serious for a minute.  Isn’t it weird to date someone who’s thinking about sex all the time?”

“All guys think about sex all the time.”

“That’s what he said, but still.”  I was not feeling the love from my best friend on this one.  “A guy who writes about sex all the time?  Isn’t that too weird?”

Jazie shook her head at me.  “I peer at women’s vaginas all the time.  You set people up on blind dates.  And we’re seriously talking about how weird someone else’s job is?”

Well, when you put it that way.  I made one last feeble attempt.  “What if he’s just doing research when we’re on dates?  What if I actually like him enough to consider sex?  I don’t want to be in his next book.”

“I go back to my original question,” said Jazie.  “Is his stuff any good?  Because if it is, then maybe you just won the jackpot.  Maybe he understands what a woman wants.  Maybe he’s a total romantic with a steamy side.”

Maybe he’s a freak who stalks women on the Internet and chains them up in small, dark rooms.  “Okay, I’ll read his stuff.  Where the heck do you buy erotica, anyhow?”

Jazie grinned.  “Time to buy that Kindle, girl.  There are tons of erotic e-books.  You can read them on your iPad, too.”

How to get fired in one quick, easy step.  The iPad was work property.  “How do you know this stuff?”

Jazie just winked at me.  “When you’re done reading, pass it on.”

My best friend reads erotica?  “Am I a total prude?”

“For someone who’s studied the mating behavior of guppies?  Yeah.”  Jazie patted my hand.  “Don’t worry, it’s curable.  So, besides his questionable occupation, how was the rest of the date?”

“He’s cute, funny, likes Cosmic burritos, and didn’t run screaming when he found out I worked at MatchMakers.”

Jazie’s eyes widened.  “Wow, you told him where you work?  That’s a big step for you.  Are you taking him to a baseball game?”

“Some lines can’t be crossed.  Besides, I still haven’t decided whether I’m going to see him again.  I might match him up with Hazel.”

“Hazel, the sweet old lady with white hair?”  Jazie grabbed the table to keep from falling off her chair, she was laughing so hard. 

“Yup.  She and her date were at Cosmic last night, too.  Sam wants to feature them in a book.” 

That did it.  Jazie gave up and slid to the floor.  “Mick, how can you not fall madly in love with a guy who wants to write about Hazel’s sex life?”  She eventually got her giggles under control.  “At least give him a second chance.  Think about the alternatives you might pull out of the system.”

She had a point.  “Hey, is there a statute of limitations on this bet?  How long do I have to keep dating weirdos?”

Jazie considered.  “Tell you what.  I’ll cut your sentence in half if you go on a second date with Sam.”

“Sold.  Now help me out with
Match the Loser
.  I only have a couple more days to figure out what I’m going to do this time.”

“I thought you were going to get Miri drunk and steal her plan.”

“We are.  She’s joining us for pizza and beer tomorrow night.”  Fridays were girls’ night since Jazie’s man worked the late-night shift at the brewery.  Apparently, you can’t leave the beer to brew by itself, even on Friday nights.  Since he already had a girl, he got voted into the Friday night slot so everyone else could have a life. 

“I get to get Miri drunk?  Cool.  She’s hilarious when she’s unsober.”

“Focus,” I said.  “We’re not supposed to have fun; we’re supposed to niggle her winning formula out from wherever she hides it.”

Jazie shook her head.  “Girl, with just a little more imagination, you could turn that into a very sexy story.”

Enough with the erotica already.  “I give. I’ll go on a second date with Sam.  Contest help, please?”

“Maybe Miri will try something else, and your ‘who would make the cutest babies’ formula will win this year.  Why don’t you just do that one again?  Your granny would love it; all those little old ladies had a blast ogling baby pictures.”

It was a reasonable Plan B, but I wasn’t thrilled about walking in with a losing strategy.  “I’ve already tried random matches, and that sucked.  Maybe I can look at their favorite sports teams.”

“Do most women have a favorite sports team?” asked Jazie dryly.  She didn’t share my fondness for baseball and basketball.

She leaned over to the table beside us where four women were eating lunch.  “Hey girls, help us out here.  Can you name three sports teams?”

I snorted.  Hello, we live in the Triangle.  There are three college basketball teams within a fifteen-minute drive. 

Apparently none of the four women paid any attention to the outside world.  “My husband likes the boys that wear the baby-blue uniforms,” one of them said. “It’s a really nice color, but I don’t remember their names.”

I shook my head at Jazie.  “Fine, point made.  No matching on sports teams.  Shoe sizes?  Favorite colors?”

Jazie just sighed.  “You do this for a living, right?  Get Miri drunk; it’s your only chance.”

Chapter 8

Derrick was in love.  Floating, gooey, circling-pink-hearts love.

Miri and I were totally freaked out.  Okay, we were also totally jealous, but it was very weird to see data-boy all gooey. 

We were working on matches, just like we do every morning.  Miri read from a client sheet.  “Bobby Joe is looking for a woman who can cook and appreciate a strong man.”  She frowned.  “He’s a Scorpio; they can be very jealous and short-tempered.”

Derrick looked up and smiled shyly.  “Lily’s a Scorpio.  She’s got a really even temper.  We got totally trampled at Guild Wars last night, and all she did was kiss me.” 

I had no idea what Guild Wars was, but I was glad it gave Derrick’s dating life a boost.  With Bobby Joe, I suspected we had bigger issues.  “Double first name?  Where’s he from?”

Miri looked.  “He lives in L.A.”

“No way he’s from L.A., not with a name like Bobby Joe.”  I pulled up his detailed profile.  “Born in Greensboro, South Carolina.  That’s more like it.  Derrick, can you get his residence history?”

Of course he could.  “Moved to California from South Carolina last year. I’ll set his ‘bubba’ flag.”

Not every guy in the South is a bubba, but enough of them are to give MatchMakers real headaches.  Not enough women in the South want bubbas anymore.  In Los Angeles, Bobby Joe’s chances were slim.  Someone needed to tell the man to move back home.

“Maybe he moved to L.A. to expand his potential,” said Miri.  “People can change, Mick.”

I picked up his client sheet.  “Wants a woman who appreciates a strong man and can cook.”

Miri sighed.  “Fine, set his ‘bubba’ flag.”

“He’ll find someone,” said Derrick.  “It just might take him a while.”  Miri and I looked at him in stupefied silence.

“What?” he said, blushing.  “Maybe we can help him out.  Miri, what signs match up well with Scorpio?”

Miri and Derrick had worked together for two years.  That one polite question he’d just asked would probably improve team relations more than anything I’d ever tried. 

Miri beamed.  “He needs a water sign.  Pisces or Cancer.  Cancer would be best; that would bring out his protective side, but in a good way.  Pisces would work if the woman’s not a total pushover.”

Derrick clacked away on his computer.  “Okay, I just sent you some profiles.  Two Cancer, two Pisces.  All four live in L.A. and match on the basic demographics.”

Miri opened the first file.  “Oh no, not this one.  She’s Cancer, but very close to being a Leo.  She’ll be too strong-minded for Bobby Joe.”

“So, astrology signs are on a continuum?” Derrick looked truly interested.  “It matters if you’re in the middle of the date range or on the ends?”

Miri nodded slowly, clearly working out how to navigate these strange new waters.  “It’s called a cusp.  If your birthday’s close to the cusp, then you take on some characteristics of the neighboring sign.”

Derrick looked thoughtful.  “So if I’m Virgo, and Lily is Scorpio, but really close to Sagitarius, what does that mean?”

I hadn’t heard Derrick say this many words in a row, ever.  That he was saying them about his love life was adorable.  My job didn’t have enough adorable parts.  I pulled out a granola bar and settled back to enjoy the show.

“That’s a complicated match,” Miri said.  “Your minds probably enjoy a lot of the same things, but she’ll tend to be more outgoing and open to new experiences than you are.  You’ll need to stretch a little, but it could also bring out the best in both of you.”

Derrick studiously wrote down every word.  I couldn’t laugh.  It was too damned sweet.  And having interviewed Lily, I knew it wasn’t far off the mark. 

“Oh, and Derrick?”  Miri winked at him.  “The sex will be amazing.”

I had no idea red came in so many shades.  Poor Derrick.  Or maybe damned lucky Derrick. 

I decided it was time to ride to his rescue and put on my best team-leader voice.  “Now that we’ve foretold Derrick’s love life, maybe we can try to help out Bobby Joe.”

Miri opened another match profile.  “Try this one.  She’s Pisces, which is good, but she has four older brothers, so I bet she’s not a total pushover.”

“Great.  How about the other two?”

Miri shrugged.  “Doesn’t matter.  Bobby Joe’s a Scorpio and a bubba.  He’s going to go with the first woman we send him, or decide we suck and never come back.”

She winked at Derrick again.  “Scorpios can be very decisive.”

You could practically see the pink hearts flying around his head. 

I walked down the hall to my desk in a pretty good mood.  It didn’t last long.  The head of Marketing was sitting in my office.

He waved a sheaf of papers at me.  “Mick, I don’t think this contest is really random.  This is the third time in a row someone on the marketing team has gotten Bella.  I think she should be removed from the pool.”

Marketing guys always think the world should be re-stacked in their favor.  “That isn’t up to me, Jeff.”

He gave me one of those ingratiating, team-building grins.  “Your support for my recommendation would make a big difference.  Surely you support a level playing field for everyone.”

Heck, no.  That’s why his team always got Bella.  “I don’t know.  Imagine how big the victory would be if you did find Bella a match.  MatchMakers has an obligation to every client.”  I’d learned some marketing-speak in my three years with the company.

My phone rang, which was a nice excuse to wave Jeff out of my office.  It was Jazie, which was strange.  She’s the text-messaging queen.  I put her on hold until Jeff shut the door to my office on his way out. 

“What’s up?  You never call me at the office.”

Jazie laughed.  “This is somewhat work related.  You remember Hazel?  I just saw her at the grocery store.  You’ll never guess.”

I tried to imagine what kind of trouble Hazel could stir up in the produce bins.  “No idea.”

“You know that guy you set her up with?  George?  She calls him her ‘sweet young man’.”

With a limited number of older men in our database, I’d been forced to set Hazel up with younger men.  George was sixty-four, seven years younger than Hazel.  “I’m glad things are working out for her.”  And I was, but this wasn’t newsworthy enough to convince Jazie to use a phone.  “So what did you really call about?”

“I really called about Hazel.  She’s inviting us to her engagement party.”

I felt my eyes bulge.  “She only met him last week.” 

“Well, she reeled him in fast.  I don’t think he stood a chance, honestly.  You’re sure he’s a nice guy, right?”

As sure as you can be from a client data sheet.  “His wife recently left him for a  younger guy and his favorite activity is sleepovers with the grandkids.  How scary can he be?”

“Yeah, he sounds harmless,” said Jazie.  “Well, Tuesday, four o’clock, at Hazel’s daughter’s house.  I’ll email you the address.”

I hung up the phone wondering when my life had switched to the crazy track.  Derrick was in love and Hazel was engaged.  It was way too much hopefulness for my MatchMakers-induced pessimism.

While I was still all caught up in warm, fuzzy feelings, I opened my match messaging system and replied to Sam.  I suggested Duke Gardens for our second date.  Maybe it would be contagious.

I have no idea what came over me.  Must have been momentary insanity.