Marry Me Again (The Second Chance Love Series, Book 1) (23 page)

So Tucker wasn't that surprised when he looked into his son's eyes and saw nothing but doubts and fears.

He sighed heavily, wishing he could curse some more. He was ready to pay for his own sins, but he didn't need to carry the burden for Jimmy Horton's dad, as well.

Rebecca slipped her hand into his and gave him a reassuring squeeze that steadied him a little. Tucker held on tight, but didn't turn around to look at her. He didn't want to see the doubts in her eyes, too. Her trust in him was tenuous, at best, too.

"I'm not going anywhere," he told Sammy. But the boy just stared at the floor.

Tucker felt as if everything he'd worked for in the past four months was slipping away—at least he did until Rebecca squeezed his hand again.

God, he wanted this woman back. He wanted his son. He wanted them to be a family.

Rebecca slipped an arm around his waist from behind, and her touch settled him.

"Come on, Jimmy," she said. "Your mother's worried about you, and she's coming to get you."

Jimmy shot her a defiant look, but got to his feet. The boy's eyes were red from crying, and he was so angry he was shaking.

So this is what it looked like when a father left his son, Tucker thought.

He wasn't ever going to leave his son again. Now, if he could only find the words to make Sammy believe it.

Tucker stood in the doorway and waited after Rebecca and Jimmy left the room. Sammy didn't say a word. He just sat on the floor beside his bed and looked out the window, and every now and then he sniffled.

Tucker dreaded this conversation he was about to have. He was fighting for his life here, because he knew now that life wasn't worth a hill of beans to him without Sammy and Rebecca. And he didn't know what to say.

"Sammy?"

Nothing. No response from the child sitting on the floor.

Tucker got down on the floor with Sammy, right in front of him.

Still nothing.

Tucker cleared his throat and searched for a beginning.

"It's too bad about Jimmy's dad," he said finally.

Sammy gave a barely discernible nod.

They were making progress.

"What did he tell you, Sammy?"

Sammy backhanded his nose and sniffled again. "His dad left again."

"Yes." Tucker eased closer, aching to take his son in his arms.

"And Jimmy said he's not coming back, not ever."

"Sammy?" Tucker scooted over so his back was against the bed and he was right beside his son. "You're not Jimmy Horton, and I'm not his dad. Just because Jimmy's dad left, doesn't mean that—"

"He said you'd go, too." Sammy said, sobbing. "Jimmy knows, 'cause that's what happened to him, 'n' now it's gonna happen to me."

"No, it's not." Tucker couldn't stand it anymore. He hauled Sammy onto his lap and pulled him close. "I'm not going anywhere, Sammy. I swear it."

Sammy sobbed pitifully, like a little, lost puppy. He shook and shivered with each gasp for breath and buried his head against Tucker's shoulder.

* * *

They stayed that way for a long time.

"I'm not going away," he whispered over and over again, as he rocked back and forth and smoothed down Sammy's hair.

Tucker wasn't going to give up, and he wasn't going to go away, not ever again. He was going to be here for his son, and he was going to teach his wife to trust him again, to love him again, or he'd die trying.

Tucker held his son a little tighter, until Sammy's sobs subsided and his skinny little arms came around Tucker's middle.

Sammy snuggled against his chest and settled down.

"I don't wantcha to go," he muttered into Tucker's shirt, and the big lump in his throat that had been threatening to choke him all night finally started to shrink a little.

"Good," Tucker said and kissed Sammy's head. "Because I'm not."

Sammy leaned forward and rubbed his eyes, then wiped his hands on his shirt before settling in against Tucker's chest again. "I missed ya, before, when you were gone, all the time," he admitted.

"I missed you, too, Sammy."

"Do ya think... "

"What?"

Sammy considered for a minute, choosing his words carefully. "That me and you and Mom'll ever be all together again, like when I was a little baby?"

Tucker froze.

At the doorway to Sammy's bedroom, Rebecca clamped a hand over her mouth, but not soon enough to stop the indrawn breath that alerted Tucker to her presence.

His eyes met hers in a shared moment of anguish. Everything they'd done in the past, every mistake they'd made, all the regrets they had, seemed to come together in this one, heart-wrenching moment.

Tucker looked to Rebecca to guide him, to answer Sammy's question, to answer all the questions he hadn't yet asked her, because he didn't think she was ready to hear them.

But Sammy had asked them for him.

Tell me there's really a chance for us,
he said without words
. Tell me we can we put it back together again.

A frightened Rebecca shook her head no, and her tears started to fall.

Yes.
He mouthed the word over Sammy's head and then waited, daring her to contradict him.

She dared. Slowly, sadly, she shook her head no.

It made him more determined than ever.

She was scared.

Sammy was scared.

Hell, he was scared, too, but that didn't bother him anymore, because he finally felt alive again.

Feeling alive and scared beat the hell out of feeling alone and empty any day.

So he wasn't going anywhere.

"Yes," he whispered, too softly for even Sammy to hear. But Rebecca knew what he said. She read the word on his lips again.

Rebecca wrapped her arms around her middle and blinked hard. She was still so afraid.

"Will we, Daddy?" Sammy said.

Tucker squeezed Sammy to him. He closed his eyes and absorbed the warmth that flooded through him every time he heard the word "Daddy" on his son's lips.

"Sammy, even if we all never live together, we'll still be here for you. You'll always have your mother, and you'll always have me. And we'll always love you, all right?"

"Uh-huh, but do you think we'll ever all live together again?"

Tucker listened to his heart. He refused to make a promise that he couldn't keep, but he could tell Sammy what was in his heart.

"I hope so, Sammy. More than anything else in the world, I hope so."

Sammy smiled for the first time since Jimmy Horton had shown up.

When Tucker looked up at the doorway again, Rebecca was gone.

* * *

Sammy finally settled down, and Tucker went to find Rebecca.

She was on the back deck, in the dark, save for the starlight above. And she was near the breaking point, though still trying to muster her defenses against him.

He could tell that by the way she held herself, arms wrapped around her middle and shoulders hunched up and inward, as if that could hold all her feelings inside. He could tell by the way she took two steps backward for every one step forward that he took. No big surprise there. They'd been doing that ever since he returned.

But he kept moving forward because, before too long, she was going to run out of room to back away any farther.

Tucker waited there beside her, staring up into the heavens. If he'd been a religious man, he'd have been praying for all he was worth right now.

"What did you tell him?" she said, breaking the silence that had enveloped them.

"That I loved him. That you loved him. That we always would."

"Good. That was good."

She didn't look at him when she spoke. She looked at the stars.

"Sammy said..." Tucker's voice broke and he tried to cover by clearing his throat. "He told me that he loved me, too."

"He does, and that's what matters. Not you and me or—"

"We matter, Rebecca. It means a hell of a lot to me, and I think it means just as much to you."

"I can't, Tucker." She bent her head and covered her eyes with her hand. "I just can't."

"You can," he insisted. "You still have feelings for me. Tell me that you don't. I dare you."

Her head came up and her arms went back around her waist, tighter than before, as if she were trying to pull inside herself. "It's just too much. It's too hard. The risks are too—"

"I want you back, Rebecca." The words burst out from him. He couldn't stand to hold them in any longer. "I haven't said it before, because I didn't think you were ready to hear it, but I can't wait any longer."

Rebecca cringed. The pain she felt at his words was like a brand, searing its way into her heart.

Want,
he'd said. Not
love.

At one time she would have given anything—anything—to have heard him say that he loved her, and at another time, she would have settled for feeling as if he still wanted her.

That's the way it had been between them before.

He'd wanted. She'd loved.

He'd walked away. She'd shattered into a million little pieces.

He'd hardly ever said he loved her, even when they'd been married. She'd known, anyway, that he hadn't married her because he loved her. It had been his need for her—desire coupled with something else. A sense of ownership, it had felt like at times. That she was his.

He'd needed her then, but not for long. And she wouldn't be able to bear it when he decided once again that he didn't need her anymore.

"Say something, Rebecca. Say anything."

"I don't know what to say."

She felt his arms come around her from behind, felt his warmth and his strength. He moved slowly, giving her time to object. He held her gently, and she could have easily gotten away from him.

"Tell me you don't feel anything for me anymore," he whispered, his breath fanning her right ear and sending a shiver down her spine.

"I don't love you anymore, Tucker. I stopped a long time ago."

He went still behind her, but he didn't let go. So she forced herself to continue.

"And I don't want you anymore."

"That's a lie," he said, dangerously quiet and still. "Maybe you don't want to want me, but you do."

"It's the past," she said quickly, before she lost the courage to go on. "If we could go back to when we first met. If you'd been like this then. If you'd wanted to be a father to Sammy, and if I'd been ready to be a wife—"

Her voice broke on a sob, and he held her tighter. Finally, she let her head fall back against his shoulder, and let the misery consume her.

She'd played through the "what ifs" so many times in her mind. But the worst one to deal with was—what if they were meeting now for the first time? What if he had changed and she had grown and had more confidence in herself? Where would they be headed now if they were meeting for the first time?

She let her mind wander while he held her in his arms. They'd be together now, if they'd been able to wipe out the past and start again. The only thing standing between them was her fears that he'd hurt her again.

"Oh, Tucker."

"We can't go back," he said, clearly frustrated. "Don't you think I would if I could? I'd give anything—anything in this world—if I could change things, if I could somehow take away the hurt and erase all the mistakes."

He turned her to face him, tilted her head up so that he could look into her eyes.

"I'd give anything, Rebecca."

She saw the pain in his beautiful brown eyes, a pain so deep that it was hard to watch it there.

This man, whom she thought felt no pain and harbored no regrets, had paid the price for his mistakes and for some of hers, as well.

"We can't go back," he said. "But we have a lifetime ahead of us, Rebecca. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to spend another minute without you."

And then his lips came down to hers, surprising her, catching her in his spell before she had time to protest, as if she would have had the strength to protest.

"Come to bed with me, Rebecca." He whispered it against her lips.

"Oh, Tucker." It was the last thing in the world she expected from him then.

"You want to know if there's anything left between us. You want to know if it would still feel the way it used to. If it's still as good as it used to be. If you'll still feel like you belong to me."

"I don't belong to you anymore," she said.

"Come upstairs with me. Show me I'm wrong. Show me you don't want me anymore. I'll show you I'm right." And then he turned and walked away. One scorching look at her, and he was gone, into the house.

She walked after him to say... something. She didn't know what. But all she did was watch him go up the stairs.

To her bedroom?

She couldn't believe he was just going up to her bedroom, like a man who had every right to be there. And she couldn't believe that once again, he'd looked inside her and saw just what she'd been wondering.