Many Shades of Gray (11 page)

“I know,” she answered. And I’m grateful for that, she thought. “That’s why I’m with you, Simon, you’ve never pushed me. You’ve never asked me for what I can’t give.”

“Why not?” he asked. “How do you know? You never allow yourself to try. The moment you feel something for me you shut it off like a valve to a hot water tank. Tell me, how did you become so adept at turning off your emotions?”

“Simon,” she pleaded.

“What? I’m curious, I’m not picking a fight.”

“It feels like it.”

“You’re trying to get me to change the subject.” He smiled. “Don’t worry, baby. I’m still not going to press you. Just remember that most people find the things they’re looking for have been right there in front of them the entire time.”

“What are you saying, Simon?”

“I’m saying don’t go looking, I’m serious about that.”

“Simon.”

He swallowed. “I can’t forgive infidelity on either of our part. I’ve never been unfaithful to you and all I ask is that you do the same.”

“I haven’t been.”

“I mean even in your thoughts. I don’t want you dreaming of anyone else when I’m in bed with you.”

Janice frowned, wondering where that had come from. She’d known Simon Kohl for over three years and as far as she knew he wasn’t a mindreader.

Before she could protest, even before she could frame an answer, he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the shower.

He did as he promised and made love to her the entire day. At one point she looked at him and saw his need and passion mixed with his emotions and she’d wondered how long he’d loved her, and how it had happened. Then she wished she had known before Tommy came back into her life and reminded her of her reasons for not trusting a man’s love, for not letting Simon know that she loved him. All the trust she’d had had died the day she’d lain on the table submitting her body to an abortion, doing something that could never be undone.

Since then Janice had secretly done penance, enduring her family’s disappointment in her career and lack of a steady relationship. She’d deliberately put up barriers when her boyfriends wanted to get closer, when they told her they loved her. They couldn’t accept that she could make love with abandon yet not love the man who gave her the pleasure.

In the end her relationships always ended with her being accused of being cold. She wasn’t cold, she just didn’t see the need for involvement. It wasn’t necessary in her life.

She’d thought Simon was the perfect lover. She’d checked him out and found he’d never been in love. He’d agreed that love wasn’t on his mind, that he wouldn’t expect it from her. And that she wasn’t to expect it from him.

They’d shaken hands on it then made love with wild abandon. Janice had thought it was settled. She was Simon’s caramel arm candy. She made him feel comfortable when they frequented black night clubs and he was hers.

She never questioned his preference for anything black, from the culture to the food and to the women. She thought that like many white people he had some hidden guilt he was trying to atone for. She didn’t care. He was a good lover and he didn’t love her.

He was perfect. Besides, the added bonus was that she didn’t have to worry about money because Simon had personally invested her money. She had only to watch it grow.

If she ever decided to give up her career, she would have more than enough to take care of herself. And regardless what anyone thought about her marrying Simon, she would always know that it wasn’t because of his money and he would know it. She had her own.

But this, his falling in love with her, him wanting her to love him, this wasn’t supposed to happen. She clung to Simon, wishing with all her heart that she could let go of the past enough to trust him with her love. If only that were possible she could give them both what they wanted.

She quivered in his arms and held him even closer, wishing for the impossible.

* * *

Simon made love to Janice the entire day, only stopping to replenish his energy. It was liberating, making love to her, loving her and having her know that he loved her. True, she didn’t want to have him love her and she refused to let him say it, but he’d made sure he said it with the way he touched her, with his tongue, his hands and his body. He’d tasted every inch of her, made her scream out for him over and over again.

And he saw a crack, microscopic but there. He intended to hammer away at that crack until he splintered the ice around her heart. As he thought that, she screamed out again and he wondered what would happen when she allowed herself to love him.

He was going for that. She was his and Tommy Strong would not be the one to make her say those words. He was a winner and he would win the love of his bride.

Simon glanced down at her as she gave in to release and he smiled at her. For him it was a done deal. She would love him. He’d see to that.

He made love to her from the bottom of her feet to the top of her head and every inch in between. He loved her until she was more than tired, worn out. She kissed his face, laughing and begging him to stop.

But he didn’t. He wanted her to know that it was him loving her. He wanted to make sure that the next time she saw Tommy Strong it would be Simon Kohl on her mind. It would be him she felt caressing her deep inside. He gave her what she wanted, not demanding anything in return but for her to accept him and enjoy their being together.

* * *

Simon glanced in Janice’s direction. She’d been sitting there for five minutes staring at the evening newspaper in front of her. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she answered.

His heart thudded hard in his chest and his breath caught at the pain etched on her face. “Baby, what’s wrong,” he said, moving over to her and taking the paper to read what had her upset.

“This review? Is that it?” He waited, puzzled, not wanting to admit to himself that he’d thought it was something in the paper about him that had put the pain in her eyes, glad that it wasn’t. “Sweetheart, you’re a professional, this happens and you know it. You’re going to get bad reviews no matter how great your book is.”

“I know that.”

“Your book’s number one.”

“I know that also.”

“Then what’s the matter?”

“I’m human.”

She’d said the words so softly that they tore away at his insides more than tears would have. His lady didn’t like admitting to weaknesses. “Baby, I’ll take care of this…I’ll make sure—”

“No, Simon, like you said, I’m a professional. I’m in the public eye, people are entitled to their opinions and they’re even entitled to take potshots. I have to suck it up.”

Tears pooled in her eyes but didn’t fall. Simon crushed her to him, rubbing her back. He felt her tremble, then grip him tighter. Then he felt the first crack in her emotional armor. She was right. She was human, she bled like he did. As much as he didnlike to see his baby hurting he was thrilled that he was the one who was comforting her. If he could he would go out and get every single person who’d ever said a mean thing about her and he would…Her lips lifted for his kiss and he entered her mouth, feeling the shiver of want trail down his spine into his groin.

Two little words, ‘I’m human’ had melted away Janice’s stoic resolve and liquefied Simon’s heart. One day soon he was hoping the erosion of her emotions would allow her to see how very much he loved her, to admit how very much she loved him also. I’m only human also, he thought as he comforted her and himself with kisses. He attempted to take her pain away with his tongue.

“Simon, thank you,” she said when he pulled away to catch his breath. He gazed into her eyes and saw all the things she couldn’t hide. He smiled as he pulled her back into his arms to love her properly. It was in moments like this when her shield was down that he knew he mattered to her. It was moments like this that he prayed the gamble would pay off in the end, not only would Janice Lace marry him, but that she would love him in the still of the night and the quiet of the morning, in public, and in private. This was the promise he saw in her eyes. This was what made it all worthwhile. Simon had never been a fool going after the unattainable. What his soul desired was in his arms and moaning his name.

Tommy turned off the computer. The Internet site had yielded nothing that he didn’t already know. But he didn’t give up easily. He was determined to trace Simon Kohl all the way back to Adam and Eve if necessary. If Simon was going to marry Mary Jo, Tommy wanted to know everything there was to know about the man.

Janice Lace, a voice whispered in his mind and he cursed. She was not Janice Lace, no matter what he’d told her. She was Mary Jo Adams and he was determined to make her remember that.

The question as to why ran through his mind and he ignored it. It had nothing to do with old feelings. She was a black queen, and what he was about to do he would do for any of them.

He ignored the fact that the anger he’d carried in his heart for the past twelve years had flared anew from the moment he saw her and was now a raging fire.

“Hello,” Tommy said to the voice on the other end of the phone. “I got someone I want you to check out, Simon Kohl.”

“Do you know who the man is, what he can do, has done for the black community?” the voice asked him.

“Yes, I know who he is. He’s too clean.”

“Why him? He’s always poured a lot of money into the black community,” the voice answered.

“And that alone makes me wonder what he’s hiding. The man thinks he’s black.”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that the man just announced his engagement to your old girlfriend, would it?”

Tommy gritted his teeth in anger. He was tried of people sticking their nose into his business. And they wouldn’t be if Simon Kohl hadn’t pulled him into his mess with that sham of a banquet. The only thing the man had wanted to do was buy Tommy’s absence from Mary Jo’s life. He should have kept him out of it. Until he saw her Tommy had no plans on ever contacting her. Now…well, Simon Kohl had started it.

“Tommy, you do know that we don’t do this for personal reasons. So if that is the only thing you have going against the man, we’re not going to get involved. That is not what we do.”

“I’m not after revenge.”

“Can you assure me of that?”

“Why would I be? I don’t want Mary Jo.”

“Who?”

“Janice Lace. I don’t want her, I haven’t thought about her in years,” Tommy lied. “Why would I care about a woman I dumped so long ago that I’d almost forgotten her name?”

Tommy closed his eyes, knowing no part of anything he’d said was true.

“Give me some proof that Simon Kohl should be investigated.”

“It’s just a feeling,” Tommy answered. “We’ve checked people out for less. What’s the deal?”

“He’s a powerful man.”

“So what? We’ve exposed powerful men before and big business.”

“He helps.”

“I didn’t think our heritage could be bought with money.”

“Sometimes it’s a little like one hand washing the other.”

“If that’s the case, then we’re not doing the job I thought we were. Maybe it’s our organization that should be exposed.”

“Listen, Tommy, I didn’t say that we wouldn’t search information on the man. I just want to make sure it’s not some personal vendetta.”

“It’s not,” Tommy assured him, “but if it happens to help someone who used to be an old friend, would that be so bad?”

“No, it wouldn’t be bad at all.”

Tommy gave the man all the information he’d managed to dig up and told him just where he’d searched so he wouldn’t have to bother turning over the same ground again.

He turned at the sound of Mary Jo’s voice drifting to the back of the shop where he was.

“Later, man,” he said and ended the call. “Janice,” he yelled, “I’m back here.” He felt a strange warmth creep over him and he rushed to assure himself that it had nothing to do with Mary Jo Adam, AKA Janice Lace, being less than five feet from him.

He knew eventually they would have to revisit the ghosts of their past, only now wasn’t the time. Neither of them was ready for it; they’d hurt each other. He’d cursed himself a million times through the years for having run out on her. And he’d cursed her a million times for not believing that he loved her enough to come back. If only she’d had a little more faith in him, but she hadn’t. She’d let what she wanted and her own fears deprive him of being a father to his child.

True, it was a child he hadn’t wanted but he had come back to take over his responsibility like a man and she’d deprived him of that. He’d never been able to forgive her for that. She’d even taken the thought that together they had created a new life and crushed it, telling him that it hadn’t been his. Tommy shook with the memory as he stared at the woman standing before him.

She was beautiful and polished self-assured and talented. And as cold as ice. He sensed no genuine warmth coming from her and he wondered for a moment what Simon found in her. It was as though she were dead inside.

She could fool the people who didn’t know her but he’d known her intimately for four years, her body, mind and spirit, and he knew she was faking ‘the woman with no emotion’ persona she presented to the public. Every breath she drew was a lie. The only thing approaching genuine emotion had been the first day she’d seen him. Her hatred had been real enough. Since then, she’d managed to cover that up and show him the same artificial faces she’d shown her public. Before he was done with her he intended to crack that facade, melt the ice she’d encased her emotions in. Before they were through he would uncover her buried emotions. He would have the truth.