Many Roads Home (18 page)

“Are you sure?”

“Y-yes. Quite sure.”

“So why isn’t it ridiculous that you would want to?” Had Paole moved closer? His voice was closer.

“I…uh…meant…someone like you. Another ex-slave. Theoretically.”

“Theoretically. But not me.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because…I don’t like you!”

“Ah. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you again.”

The tent fell silent. To Yveni’s ears, the loudest sound was the thump of his heart, trying to escape his chest. “I didn’t mean that. I just meant…”

“I’m undesirable.”

“Yes. No! You are! Very. Desirable, I mean. Very well made.”

“Handsome, you said.”

“Yes.” He’d just walked into another trap, hadn’t he? “Are you playing with me again?”

He jumped violently as Paole’s big hand cupped his cheek. All Yveni’s concentration narrowed to the feel of the calloused, dry palm against his face. Paole stroked his skin with his thumb. “No. But you’ve been dancing around me for a little while, and you were so flustered earlier, I thought I’d find out exactly what was going on in that pretty head of yours.”

“
Pretty?
”

“Yes. Lovely. Handsome. Desirable. Tell me to stop and I’ll never mention it again.”

“I’m not pretty.”

He didn’t sound convincing even to himself, and Paole chuckled. “Do you really not want to sleep with me?”

“I don’t want to sleep with anyone. I should be going to Horches.”

“So you should.” Paole removed his hand. “I misunderstood. Forgive me.”

This time it wasn’t a trap. “Paole?”

“Yes, Yveni.”

“Um…it’s not so much don’t
want
as…it’s not appropriate.” That was the right word, yes. He felt quite satisfied at getting it out.

“Why?”

“Because…”
You own me.
No, that wasn’t true.
You were sick and I looked after you so it’s like a healer and his patient.
That wasn’t true either. “I want to be your friend, and if we sleep together…”

“We can still be friends.”

“And if we don’t?”

“Makes no difference to me.”

“
That’s
why I can’t sleep with you! It should make a difference. Sex is…for people who love each other. Who are married, preferably. Those…those boys, they’re just…using you.”

Paole laughed. “Oh, you have some strange ideas, bo…Yveni. If it worries you this much, forget I mentioned it. I only wanted to make it clear you could if you wanted, since it bothered you.”

“It didn’t. It isn’t. I’m not bothered and I never think about it. Good night.”

“Good night, your gracefulness.”

Yveni growled and rolled over, determined not to let this matter ever enter his thoughts again.

Which was as effective as telling himself not to think of the word “purple”. To make himself not think about it, he had to think about it. So not thinking about sleeping with Paole meant…

“Damn it to
hell
.”

He fled the tent, pausing only to grab his boots and jam them on his feet before stalking over to the fire. He gave it an aggressive poke and threw more wood onto it as if it mortally offended him by existing.

He hunched forward and stared into the flames. How was he supposed to ride alongside Paole tomorrow as if nothing had happened? Nothing
had
happened. Unfortunately.

His mind was a foul, foul traitor and he was unfit to rule a herd of kardips, let alone a duchy.

“Yveni.”

He started and fell forward, barely avoiding the fire, and had to struggle clumsily to right himself. “What?”

Paole hunkered down across from him. “I’m sorry to upset you.”

“
Now
you’re sorry. Why did you even bring it up?”

“I thought it might clear the air a little. I thought…your feelings were more straightforward. Just forget about it and come back to the tent.”

“No, I’m going to sit here and think.”
Until you’re asleep.

“I’d do nothing to hurt you, you understand. Or drive you away sooner…than you have to go. If you want to go now, I’ll understand, but I…”

“You?”

Paole gave him a little smile, but his eyes didn’t lift with it. “Don’t want you to.”

“Come to Horches with me.”

“What? I can’t.”

“Why not?” Yveni stood. “You’ve been thinking about it. Your Uemi’s excellent now and by the time we arrived, I could make you fluent in reading and writing it. You could set up a healer practice or a herbalist’s, and you’d never have to deal with another snotty Karvi. And…um…you’d have company.”

“Until you return to Sardelsa.”

“Which might never happen. And by then, you’ll be with your own people and who knows, even your own family.” It was such a wonderful idea. Yveni was so pleased to have come up with it. “Say yes?”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why, by all the gods? What’s keeping you here?”

“Nothing. Everything. It’s none of your business, boy.”

Yveni turned and scowled into the darkness. So he was supposed to give up all his secrets and feelings, but Paole could be as close-mouthed as he wanted.

“You say ‘go back’ like it’s easy,” Paole murmured. “Like I want to return with a slave mark on my arm, and a foreign accent, and nothing to show for twenty-eight years except another man’s life work. Scarred and marked and damaged. When you go home, you’ll be cheered in the streets. No one wants me in Horches or anywhere else.”

Yveni whirled.

“That’s not true! I want you.” He realised what he’d said and he clapped his hand over his mouth. Paole remained very still, only his green eyes staring up at Yveni in surprise.

“How?” Paole whispered. “As a travelling companion?”

Yveni forced himself to consider his answer. Paole was no longer teasing, no longer tried to trap him. His eyes demanded complete honesty.

“No. As a…a friend. A good friend. Paole, I want you to come with me, if it pleases you.”

Paole rose. Always a shock to realise just how tall he was, and even after the fever, so broad and strong. He advanced on Yveni, who made himself hold his ground, though his knees shook.

Paole stopped a little way short of him. “It pleases me.” His voice was husky, raw. “
You
please me.” His hands closed into fists, opened again. His eyes, firelight glinting in their depths, burned like the fire itself. “I’m sorry. I can’t stop myself…Yveni, tell me the truth. Tell me you don’t want me so I can stop…hoping.”

Yveni trembled too hard to speak. He could only shake his head.

Paole’s shoulders sagged. “Very well.” He turned.

He couldn’t…to lose him now…no. “N-no! S-stop!” He reached out his hands and grabbed Paole’s sleeve. “N-not w-what I m-meant.” He dragged in a deep breath, and another. “Meant…I can’t tell you. Not true. Come here.”

Paole moved towards him, Yveni holding a determined grip on his sleeve and tugging.

“You want me?”

“I don’t want…don’t want you to go. I don’t know what the rest means. Help me.”

Paole stepped up and wrapped his big arms around him. As his warmth and strength enfolded Yveni, his trembling stopped. He laid his cheek on Paole’s broad chest and sighed. “This is what I want,” he whispered. “To be with you.”

Chapter Twenty

He couldn’t speak. When he’d started the teasing that evening, Paole hadn’t had any idea it would lead to this. Hadn’t dared
believe
it could
.
But with Yveni in his arms, trustingly, peacefully, there was nothing left for him to wish for. The ache that had been constantly in his heart for months, years, eased and disappeared. Yveni wanted him. Wanted
him
. A beaten-up ex-slave with a bad temper and bad memories. Yveni had seen the worst of him. And yet he wanted him.

“Come to bed.”

Yveni suddenly clutched at his shirt and stared up at him. “I don’t know how to sleep with you.”

Paole bent and laid a respectful kiss on Yveni’s forehead. “Yes, you do because we’ve done it for months. Relax.”

He had a notion how to break the boy’s nervous tension. He swooped and gathered Yveni up into his arms—a struggle, yes, but well worth the startled laugh and outrage. “Put me down. I’m not a child!”

“Hmmm, funny, you weigh as little as one. Take it easy, your highness.”

“Paole, put me down!”

“Hush, we’re nearly there.”

He deposited the boy in front of the tent, and grinned as he received a well-earned thump on the arm for his prank. “Don’t
ever
pick me up like that again, you bastard. Not unless I’m unconscious or dying.”

“Right you are. So…we’re here.”

Yveni’s indignation melted away. His uncertain look made Paole want to hug him again, and why not.

“It was only a lark. Don’t be cranky.”

“I know. You’re still horrid.”

Paole grinned into the darkness. “I am. Are you coming?”

“Will we really just sleep?”

“Whatever you like. Come inside.”

He stripped off his boots, as did Yveni, then he tugged the boy into the tent. They already slept side by side. It had been a particularly refined torment for months.

“Do you mind if we share blankets?”

“Don’t be silly, Paole.”

Yveni melted against him as if they had been lovers for years. Paole kissed his cheek, then his lips, wondering if this virginal lad would shy away, but no. Clumsy, yes, he might be, but hesitant, not at all. He tasted warm and healthy, his mouth a lush and generous bounty. Paole had slept with boys just as pretty, just as lithe and willing, but Yveni…Yveni was proud and wilful, and his innocent surrender all the sweeter for its completeness.

He closed his eyes and let his Sight explore Yveni’s body. The boy thrummed with good health, the arteries bright and clear, his lungs and heart unshadowed by any failure. He glowed like a blue sky on a hot summer day, almost too brilliant to look at, warming to be near. Young and perfect and whole. He saw so few like this.

Yveni laid his cheek against Paole’s and slid his hand inside Paole’s shirt. “How long?” he breathed. “How long have you thought of me this way?”

“When you said you were in no hurry to leave. It made me think of what it would be like when you did.”

“So you didn’t like me from the start?”

“No, because you were a horrible little brat.” He yelped because the “brat” had nipped his earlobe. “Still are.”

“You’re not very nice at all, are you?”

“No, your gracefulness, I’m not. But I won’t play you false.”

Yveni lay still, almost on top of him. His silence stretched a little too long for comfort. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No…Paole, the duchy will expect me to marry. Infidelity in a duc is unthinkable.”

It was a long leap from a few kisses to Yveni having a lover behind his wife’s back. “You said it was years away, boy.”

Yveni slapped his chest. “Don’t
call
me that. You always sound so snide.”

“Sorry. I only meant…you’re getting ahead of yourself, don’t you think?”

“Oh. This is just a dalliance to you.”

“A what?” The boy knew so many words.

“A…temporary thing. Like with those others.” He’d gone all stiff and unfriendly in Paole’s embrace.

“No, not like… Yveni, I know you so much better than them. I want to know you more. Can’t we…see where it goes? Isn’t that how such things work?”

“Not for nobles and ducs. When we’re betrothed, the other person is our beloved from that moment. We’re told we’ll love each other and be together for the rest of our lives.”

“And is that what happens?”

“I don’t know. My sister didn’t love Konsatin, I know that. She still has to marry him unless I can stop it.”

“I’m not noble, and I won’t love to order.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Slaves aren’t given that kind of freedom. We always know others of our kind can be ripped away at a moment’s notice, and of course, our owners would never want us to look at them or their families.”

Yveni fell silent again. Paole sighed quietly. A few minutes ago, this had been all so simple. He should have realised a slave and a noble would never be allowed anything ordinary.

“It’s confusing,” Yveni murmured. “I have these feelings inside me. I want to be with you, want to be held, to hold. To kiss…” Paole helpfully obliged to remind him how good kissing could be. “But I always thought such feelings would come to me from someone I could be with forever. You’re a good man, but there’s so much I don’t know about you.”

“Same is true for you. You’re thinking too hard. Sleep with me now, and we can take it slow.”

“But I want you to come to Horches.”

“Ah, well. I need to think on that a little more. You’re a lovely lad, but it’s a big step. I need more than your kisses to entice me.”

“I never…I mean…you should come because it’s right for you! Don’t…gods, I’d hate you to make a decision because of…”

Paole grinned. He could
hear
Yveni blushing. “Peace, sweetness. I’ll make the choice after I think over things.”

“You call your
horse
‘sweetness’.”

He ignored the danger in the flat tone. “Aye, and like Peni all you needed was a bit of persuasion and training. Ow.” He rubbed his jaw. “If you’re going to be a biter, maybe I should gag you.”

“Don’t even try. My knee’s where it can do the most damage.”

“Such a violent creature. Sleep.” He found Yveni’s hand and entwined his fingers with the boy’s. “We have time. Relax.”

Yveni kissed him again, slowly, drowsily. Paole, exhausted from a long day, let the gentle caress of Yveni’s lips pull him into slumber.

The sun was high in the heavens when they roused themselves. Waking to kisses and an armful of lovely lad always put him in a good mood, so he was in no great hurry to move. Finally, though, he had to. “We can’t lie abed all day.”

“Mmm, shame.” But then Yveni sat up and pushed his black hair back off his face before staring down at him and smiling. “That was nice.”

“It was. Taking it slow isn’t a luxury I’ve had before.”

“We have time, you said. Are we moving on today?”

“Well, that’s something to decide. At this rate, we’ll barely make Dadel before it snows. If you want to push on to Horches, we need to move faster.”

Yveni’s mouth turned down. “I won’t push, Paole. I won’t make promises either. I have a duty to my homeland.”

“I know, lad. If I choose to go, I won’t do it on your account, whatever my feelings. We should move on a little faster anyway. The next town isn’t important. I’ll skip it—I could stand to rest a while.”

“Then let’s go, lazy.” He leapt up before Paole’s playful swat could connect with his pert bottom.

Yveni leaned against him as he drove, his hand playing over Paole’s chest while they talked about whether going to Horches was the right thing to do. He was torn, he had to admit it. Going home had been a dream when he was younger, but as he grew up, he realised all the obstacles that stood in his way. The idea of going back to Uemire and being rejected as an outsider, as no longer one of their own, filled him with terror. If he went, there would be no returning either, not to Dadel and Mathias’s cabin. He didn’t know if he was brave enough to rebuild his life a third time. First enslaved, then freed, and now…freed again? Or enslaved again by a pair of clever brown eyes and a brave, impulsive soul.

“You’ve got a headache, haven’t you?” Yveni reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, which didn’t help but felt nice anyway. “Sorry. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this so much.”

“Never mind.”

“Would you be happier in the south? With other freed slaves?”

“Maybe. I’m tired of thinking of myself as a slave, or an ex-slave. I want to be me, not what I was forced to be.”

“I feel like that sometimes.” Yveni stared off into the distance. “It’s why I loved being with Gil and Sofia. They always treated me as me, not the vicont or the heir. Gil would cuff me if I was naughty and praise me for doing well, without trying to suck up to me. Even the really nice servants were always trying to do that. I’ve spent more time since I left Sardelsa living like a real person than I ever did in the castle.”

“Don’t go back then.”

“I have to. My sisters need me. The duchy needs me. I was born to this. I can’t walk away from it.”

Why not?
If Yveni had drowned in the shipwreck, the duchy would have to manage without him. But then, he came from a different world. He saw things in a way Paole never could.

It was a week to Nermil, their next planned stop. By then, Paole privately promised himself, he’d make a decision one way or another. Yveni distracted him quite pleasantly with his kisses and affectionate touches. They went no further, even at night with Yveni’s erection hard against his leg, and his own cock filled with yearning for his companion. Yveni placed too great an importance on sex for Paole to push for more, and Paole enjoyed the tenderness almost more than fucking. It was as new to him as it was to Yveni, and he wanted to take his time.

They arrived in Nermil on a cloudy, wet day, but the town thronged with people undeterred by the weather, busily buying the newly harvested produce and readying themselves for the cold season. He’d barely set up his little stall when two patients came to him, wanting remedies or diagnosis. All morning he and Yveni had no time to stop and talk at all, the lad busily dispensing the prepacked doses or skilfully measuring out fresh ones to Paole’s order.

“We’ve just run out of eun seed and there’s little left of the vere leaf,” Yveni announced when they’d been at it for several hours.

“If you have my list, run along to Master Dieter, and order a half kilo of the seed and leaf as well. Here’s the coin you need.”

Yveni took it and ran off. Paole pardoned the interruption with his customer and continued listening patiently to a long list of complaints that had no obvious physical cause, so far as he could tell.

“Fancy someone like him ordering a good Karvi boy about in that manner.”

“Everywhere you turn around there’s another damn Uemirien. They should send them back where they came from if their masters don’t want them any more.”

Paole stuttered in his advice, his face heating up in anger at what he’d just heard behind him. He twisted around but couldn’t detect the speakers among the people milling around.

“Master Paole?”

“Ah…forgive me, mistress.” He turned back to his patient and with an effort, smiled at the old woman. “I have a special tonic which I find very strengthening. I used it after I recovered from the kirten fever just a few weeks ago. As you see, I’m quite well now.”

“My goodness, so you are. It won’t be too much for me, will it?”

“Half-strength, mistress. And only once a day. If you find it too much, cut it down to quarter strength. But don’t ever be tempted to increase it. It could be too hard on your system. It’s quite invigorating so it needs to be used with care.”

He handed her two packets of a mild tea that would warm her blood and feel like it had some effect. “Now I’m giving you all the doses at once, but once you finish the course, it’s not safe to repeat it. I think you might find you don’t even need to finish it, and you could keep some in case of a recurrence. Don’t dispense it to others, of course.”