Manslations (16 page)

I don't know how it got to be “manly” to watch, for example, a group of giant, muscular dudes in skintight, shiny, matching spandex pants throw each other around. But it happened. Why do men care about sports so much?

Have you ever seen a couple of mountain goats do that thing where they butt their heads together really hard? Well, this is classic male behavior. Men, like all male animals, like to beat the crap out of each other from time to time. Not necessarily to injure—just to compete. Whether it's with physical strength, money, brains, humor, or whatever is at hand, men seem to like competing for supremacy. And if a couple of guys are huge losers and they know they are huge losers, you guessed it. They'll compete for the honor of which one is the hugest loser.

Not much of a mystery here. In nature, whoever wins these things gets the best females and first crack at the best food. In human society, the men who win whatever weird competition they are in will often get the women who happen to care about that particular weird competition, plus all the best stuff involved. Could be money, could be cars, could be Star Wars figures.

So the next time you see two guys competing and you think it's juvenile, rest assured that it's even worse. It's not even human.

The point is, men love to watch sports because they get to see dudes run around and smash into each other. Just like we would be doing if we weren't so lazy, out of shape, and cowardly. When those guys run in for a touchdown, dunk right over the defender just for spite, smash a guy up against the boards, that's
us
up there.

We don't get to do that, because we'll go to jail and stuff. Plus, you know, I'm delicate and don't want to get my purty face mussed up. So I watch a guy who's getting paid to do it. He has fun; I have fun. It's a win-win.

What if you don't like sports? Hey, that's cool. But would it kill you to fake it? Kidding—we don't really expect or want you to. We just want to watch the game. So please don't do that trick you ladies sometimes do—the one where we have to have an important talk about the relationship during the game. You know, that thing where you want to make sure we love you enough to turn off the game and talk to you
right now
? Don't do that. We love you, we promise. But it's the eighth inning, okay?

The most important thing to remember about the badass make-believe stuff is that he does not necessarily expect you to share in his obsessions. Just don't make him feel like a jerk about them. Because, see, either it will work and you'll be in a relationship with a guy who feels like a jerk about stuff he likes, which… is fun, right? Or far more likely (and far worse), you'll be with a guy who learns that he has to hide stuff from you. That leads to all kinds of lousy places, and I assure you that one of them is not, “Say, video games really
are
something to be ashamed of! I think I'll learn French!”

Well, I think we've established that the average man is obsessed with stuff as it relates to his value as a capable, strong, cool guy. If you want to make your man feel good about himself (and about
you
), you want to allow him to feel like he conquered the elements when he sets up the remote control to the ceiling fan, even if it's just as easy to pull the chain like you always used to. You want to make him feel victorious when he gets the new TV, and holy cow, High Def really does make a difference! When he wants a ratchet set for Christmas, don't get him a scarf, even if it will look really cute on him, unless you give it to him in addition to the ratchet set.

A little later, we'll talk about how to teach him to understand the kinds of stuff that you like (so you don't end up getting a ratchet set for Christmas, even if you really need one for some reason).

__________________

CHAPTER 7

having “the talk,” or how to
communicate with a man
without causing him to exit
via the fire escape

A
h, language, words, communication. The one achievement that has separated us from the rest of the animals
^*
and allowed us to create our civilization. Then again, given that I have never seen one manatee say to another one, “So what the hell's
that
supposed to mean?!” and then storm off crying, maybe it's debatable how much of an “achievement” it really is.

So why do we need to talk in a relationship? Well, from time to time, something's not how it's supposed to be. Either something's not happening or something else is happening too often. I don't really know—I'm a man. When and why we have The Talk is usually your department, not mine.

Enter four words guaranteed to strike terror into the heart of the bravest of men: “We need to talk…” And unless you're dating a firefighter or something, you're not with the “bravest of men.” You're just with some guy. So yeah, he's probably pretty nervous. Even just typing those four words, the hairs on the back of my neck are up, and I'm eyeing the exits in case I need to make a run for it.

For men and women, having The Talk has always been at best stressful and at worst insurmountable. I myself have had one or two of The Talks leveled at me in my time, and even when I've come out the other side thankful that it all happened, it was the same kind of gratitude you have for when your doctor does something incredibly uncomfortable to fix something that might have killed you. You're grateful and all, but… I mean, did you have to stick that thing up my…? Was that really the only way?

And with that unsavory (yet eerily appropriate) image firmly in your mind, I'd like to explain to you how you can have The Talk with your man with as little nonsense as possible. Some of what you're going to learn here is about him, and some of it's going to be more about what you ladies tend to do in The Talk that virtually guarantees tears, yelling, etc. At the end of this section, I'll get into some of the specific Talks that women seem to want to have, and how best to handle them in ways that won't make your man drop a deuce in his pants.

But first, let's get some general principles out of the way. There are some things you should know about men before you even start Talking. Let's say… three of 'em.

You'll be initiating The Talk.


He does not understand anything about The Talk.


You'll need to disarm his initial reaction (which will be… wrong).

I'll go through these three in depth, and hopefully by the end of this chapter, you'll have a much better sense of what you're up against and how to work with it.

Sorry if I'm blowing anybody's mind right now, but as the woman, you're going to have to get used to the fact that in the vast majority of situations, you're going to be the one who wants to have The Talk. Doesn't matter how badly you both need to be having this talk, we're just not as likely to start.

Think about it—having The Talk about the state of your relationship is never, never portrayed as very manly, is it? Okay, maybe on TV doctor shows. Or a movie in which the guy is dying of a rare disease, and he falls in love with his nurse.
^*
But I'm talking about portrayals that your man has, you know, seen.

Go back to Jack Bauer. Imagine what The Talk would be like if they showed it on
24
. Jack would be sitting there with whatever future hostage he happens to be dating. She'd say, “Jack, we need to talk.”

“What? What is it?” he'd say urgently. (He can't help it. He says everything that way.)

“I just think we need to clear the air about some things,” she'd say.

This would be the point where he'd start shifting in his seat.

“What's wrong?” she'd ask.

“Nothing, why?” he'd say urgently, as he started drumming on his leg with his fork and knife.

“You just seem a little nervous is all.”

“What? Ha ha. Nervous. Ha. No, no, go ahead. Let's… talk.”

She'd start. “Well, ever since you got back from defusing that nuclear weapon—”

His phone rings. He practically leaps for joy as he grabs for it: “I'm sorry, honey. I have to take this. Yes, Mr. President. Hostages—how many? When? Suicide mission? No problem, I'm there in ten minutes.” And out the door he runs, calling over his shoulder, “I'm sorry, I have to go. I promise we'll talk about all of this later.”

In most portrayals of men that are aimed at male audiences, having The Talk is exactly the kind of thing that gets interrupted by something that involves
doing
something (i.e., stopping terrorists from bringing nukes into the country, zombies attacking—you know, something that he understands and/or is actually good at).

Now, just because there are no portrayals of a manly relationship-talker, does that mean that your man will never be able to do it? Not at all. I'm just warning you that he hasn't seen the movies you've seen, and so he doesn't have any models to go by.

And no, I'm not suggesting that you make him watch a whole lot of these movies. (You want him to be awake for this talk, right?) You're just going to have to accept the fact that The Talk is, as far as he is concerned, your domain.

I've had plenty women write in to me, frustrated by this fact: “Why is it such a big freaking deal for him to just
talk
to me about this stuff?!” And all I can say is I'm sorry about that. We're not wired like you. We have feelings, and we have words—and frankly, we're just not great at converting them from one to the other. Personally, I have the same problem with the metric system. Luckily, I never dated a woman from Europe. (Just think of all the centiliters of pain I avoided.)

Language is one of those areas in which men and women simply do not look at things in the same way, and it's not even just the words/feelings exchange rate. It's the reason for talking in the first place. When there are problems (in the relationship or anywhere else), we likely don't go about solving them in the same way.

Remember, I'm not saying he won't have The Talk, and I'm not saying that The Talk isn't necessary for him sometimes. I'm just letting you know that it's likely on you to get it started. Unfair? Maybe. What can I tell you? Next time there's a spider in the bathroom, you have my permission to make him go deal with it.
^*

The next thing you need to do is to understand what he does and doesn't know about having The Talk.

Seems pretty clear cut, that heading. And I do mean “anything.” Before you even get to all the things he won't understand about what you're saying, you should know that he's not even going to understand why you want to start.

Men talk to convey information. Facts. That's the stuff we focus on. Have you ever had a man relay information he heard to you about, say, a friend of his proposing to his girlfriend? It was infuriating for you, right? It probably went like this:

“Reginald asked Brunhilda
^*
to marry him last week,” he said.

“Oh, how'd he do it?” you asked.

“Uh… I'm not sure. I think they were at a restaurant.”

“Well, did he give her a ring?”

“Uh… I assume so. I don't know.”

“Did he get down on one knee, or what did he say?”

“Er… I don't know.”