Maine Squeeze (23 page)

“Trudy, I—I have to go,” I said. “I can't work the rest of my shift.”

“Colleen? You can't just leave,” she said.

“I have to!” I said.

“Colleen. We still have to talk about this missing jewelry issue. And you've got a shift to finish. I really don't think this is the time for you to be taking off—”

“But I have to. Trudy, you know me, you know I'd never do anything like steal—anything to break the law—come on!” I insisted. “And this is a really important personal issue and I have to deal with it now. You always say that we can have time off for personal days. Well, I need some personal hours—now.”

“Colleen! It's too short notice. What are we going to do if you just take up and leave because you feel like it?” Trudy said.

“Trudy, I'll work for her,” Erica said.

“But you're hosting,” Trudy argued.

“That doesn't take all of my time—anyway, the evening's winding down, and we're only seating tables for another hour. I can handle it,” Erica said.

I loved her for sticking up for me.

“We'll split her tables,” Samantha said, walking up. “Go, Colleen. Do what you have to do.”

“You guys are the best.”

“Colleen? Consider yourself suspended,” Trudy said. “I don't want to see you here tomorrow. Is that understood?”

“Yes, ma'am,” I grumbled. I could care less about my job right then, and besides, I was still mad at Trudy for not trusting me. I wished she'd suspended me about two hours ago.

I pulled off my apron and handed it to Erica, then I quickly went over with her and Sam which tables I had and what they still needed. Then I was on my way. I had to catch Ben before any more time went by. He was thinking terrible, horrible things, and they weren't true.

“Hey, Coll! Where are you going?” Evan called as I hurried past him, out the door.

“Where do you think?” I said, still moving, going down the dock beside the building. I didn't want to talk to him right now. Maybe he hadn't meant to, but he'd ruined things for me—again. Just like he was always ruining things for me.

“Look, maybe you shouldn't go over there right now.”

“I have to,” I said.

“I know you
want
to, and you think you have to,” Evan said. “But give the guy a second to deal with it. If it were me, I'd be really angry—”

“But it wouldn't be you, would it?” I said. “You don't understand. You don't know what it's like—Ben's a nice person, too nice to do stuff like what we just did to him.”

“I didn't mean anything by it. I was only trying to make you feel better—”

“I know. I
know
. But look—not right now.” I started jogging toward Ben's house, which was about a mile and a half from Bobb's. Good thing I always wore running sneakers to work.

“Colleen?” Ben's mother stared at my outfit, at the flush in my cheeks. She stepped aside to let me walk past her into the house. “Have you been exercising?”

“I—I was in a hurry,” I said. I didn't want to get into the details with her.

“Did you get out of work early?” She smiled at me. So, she didn't hate me yet. That must mean Ben hadn't told her anything. Of course, why would he? It wasn't the sort of thing you went around bragging about.
I saw my girlfriend with another guy
.

“Um, yes,” I said. Not in the way she thought, but the fact was I
had
gotten out early. “It was sort of a slow night.” Except when it came to me messing up—in that respect, it was a very busy night.

“Well, I'll run upstairs and tell Ben you're here. He just got home,” she said.

While she was gone, I paced around the living room. Through the doorway to the den, I could see Ben's father sitting in front of the TV, watching a Red Sox game. I waved to him, and he smiled and waved back. It was about nine o'clock, and Ben's younger brothers, Colin and Philip, were no doubt already asleep, or at least in bed.

I was checking out the crystal figurines in their hutch display when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. My hand shook and I nearly knocked over a crystal swan. That was all I needed—to break the collectibles on top of everything else.

I took a deep breath and turned around.

“I'm sorry, Colleen. He's already gone to bed,” Ben's mother said.

I bit my lip, trying to decide what to do next. Maybe Ben was just angry, and he needed some time to recover—the way he had when I'd first told him about Evan that day on the ferry. (Which felt like months ago, instead of weeks.) It had taken him two days to talk to me about it. Maybe I should let the whole thing blow over this time, too.

Then again, if I just left, I'd have no chance of explaining what had happened. Ben would assume the worst. Like he already apparently had.

“I hate to ask you to do this. But do you think you could wake him up?” I asked. “It's really, really important.”

“Is it an emergency? Is everything okay?”

“Well, no. It's not. I have to talk to him,” I said. “Tonight.”

I guess she could see how desperate I was, because she nodded and said, “All right. I'll try again.”

Try again. That meant he wasn't sleeping, that she'd asked if he could come down and see me, and he'd said to
tell
me that he was asleep. Wow. He'd never done that to me—never lied. At least, not that I knew of.

When he finally came downstairs, I could tell he hadn't been sleeping at all.

“Hey,” I said.

He ran his hands through his hair and just looked at me.

“Can we … can we go for a walk or something?” I asked, thinking about his father in the den, and his mother somewhere else nearby—and she knew something was up.

“Sure.”

We went down to this really big rock beside the road, where we often sat and talked. I was walking slightly behind Ben, and as I looked at his back, I felt like I was about to start crying.

I remembered one of the first nights we went out on a date, to the winter dance, how Ben had been sitting on this rock, waiting for me when I pulled up in the car, and how he was carrying flowers in the dead of winter, how he had mittens on with his dark suit, and how I was wearing my mother's thick wool coat over my dress and attempting to drive—and walk—on the ice in heels, and how Ben had picked me up and carried me into the school.

Ben leaned against the rock, and I tried to stand next to him.

“I saw you run off tonight,” I said. “I know you saw me and Evan and you thought we were … I don't know what you thought, actually, which is why I came over to explain. It was just a quick hug. Really.”

Ben didn't say anything for a minute. I bit my lip, wanting him to understand, wishing tonight had never happened. “It lasted five minutes,” he finally said, his tone cold.

“What? No, that's impossible.” I shook my head. “Look, what happened was—”

“I don't care what happened or whatever spin you're going to put on what happened,” Ben said. “I know what I saw, and it wasn't some ten-second hug. Five minutes, Coll.”

“But … it's important,” I said. “Please, listen. See, we had this catering job—you remember, at the Hamilton house? And they reported some jewelry missing, and someone actually said
I
was responsible. Me.”

Ben crossed his arms in front of him. “Well. Were you?”

“Ben! Come on. I'd never steal,” I said. “Do you really think so poorly of me?”

“I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry,” Ben said.

“No,
I'm
sorry. I was just—I was upset when the whole thing came up and Trudy accused me—and I—I went outside. Evan followed me and I just—I turned to him because I was so upset. I mean, Trudy … of all people. You know?”

“You could have turned to Samantha. Or Erica,” Ben said. “Couldn't you?”

“Well, yeah, of course, but they weren't right there—”

“Or you could have just called me. That's sort of what I'd expect you to do,” Ben said. “If you were upset. I wouldn't expect you to be all over your ex-boyfriend, in front of me, in front of everyone eating at Bobb's—”

“I didn't know you were there,” I said.

That sounded terrible, as if I were going around hugging Evan whenever I knew Ben wouldn't be there. “I mean, I wasn't thinking! It wasn't a
plan
. It was a gut reaction. I would have hugged Cap, or John Hyland, or Eddie from the hardware store … if he'd been out there. I would have hugged a seagull, if it was possible.”

“You're not being honest. I know what I saw, and I know it didn't mean … I know it meant
something
,” Ben stammered. “And in a way, it wasn't even surprising. I mean, it was so … obvious what was going on. What's been going on all summer.”

“Nothing!” I said. “Nothing's going on now, nothing's
been
going on—”

“Yeah. It is,” Ben said.

“But … no. It isn't,” I insisted. “And Evan—and I—we're not. That's the only time we ever hugged—there's nothing between us.”

“There's something,” Ben said slowly. “Which really sucks. Because this was supposed to be such a great summer for us. You know? Yeah. Turned out really great.”

“Hasn't it?” I asked.

“No. You've changed, Colleen.”

“What? I haven't
changed
,” I said.

“Yeah, you have. You used to be so … reliable. Stable. Now you're all over the place. You can't even commit to going on a trip together because you can't make up your mind what—I'm sorry, who—you want from one day to the next.”

“That's not true,” I said. Reliable and stable? As if I were a car or something. That sounded boring. Maybe that was how I acted, or how he perceived me, but that didn't sound like the way I
felt
.

“Look, we're not going to be together next year anyway,” Ben went on, as if he'd made up his mind. “Let's stop kidding ourselves—this isn't going to work out then. It's not working out now. Let's just forget about it. Stop seeing each other.”

“No. No!” I said. “Don't say that.” I reached for his arms and tried to pull him toward me, but he wouldn't budge.

He just glared at me. “You can't hold on to me while you decide which of us you like more. I don't want to be the backup boyfriend. You know, for whenever this year's summer fling—which was exactly the same as last year's fling—is over,” he said bitterly.

“It's not like that!” I said, starting to cry.

“No. Actually, it's worse than that. Because the fact that you guys are still spending time together after the way things ended between you means you still have feelings for him, even though he treated you like—like an afterthought for months. So you want someone like Evan, who's here today, gone tomorrow. Okay. Whatever. I'm not that person.”

I was sobbing while he said this. “No, that's
not
what I want. It's …” What was it? Did I need to prove to myself that I
could
get Evan back? That he had tried to reject me, but it wouldn't work because I was too irresistible? What was my problem?

But if I couldn't, right then and there, say that I didn't want Evan, and that I wanted Ben …

I couldn't do it.

Ben was the completely good and logical choice for so many reasons.

Evan was not.

And I was giving up on Ben when I didn't even have anything with Evan.

“Bye,” Ben said as he started walking up his driveway.

I couldn't say anything. I wanted to ramble on, explain myself ten times over, tell Ben how much I loved him—because, despite everything, I did love him. But maybe I wasn't
in
love with him. Maybe he knew more about how I felt than I did.

When I got home, Haley was sitting on the porch. I was so glad to see her, because I wanted to tell her what happened, but I didn't know if I could. I'd spent the entire walk home crying. It was embarrassing, really.

“What are you doing up so late?” I asked.

“Just thinking about things.” Her legs were propped on the porch railing, and she was holding a glass of lemonade. “Where have you been? Wait—why aren't you at work?”

I started crying all over again. I sat down in a chair next to hers and buried my face in my hands.

“Colleen! What is it?” She shook the arm of my chair. “Come on, tell me—what happened?”

I took a tissue out of my pocket and dabbed the tears from my cheeks. Then I told her about how I was a suspect now, and how Ben had seen me hug Evan, and how Ben and I had broken up. When I finished the story—the short version—I looked over at her. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say. She was always so supportive of me, especially when I messed up.