Mail Order Bride - Westward Secrets: A Clean Cowboy Romance Novel (Montana Mail Order Brides Book 13) (25 page)

              “Who it is?” Rick called when someone knocked on his door. 

              He’d moved back down to his little house.  He couldn’t stay in the house where he’d been going to live with Gina and the kids.  It was much too painful.

              “Randall, sir.”

              “Randall?  Joe’s Randall?” Rick said in disbelief.

              “Yes.  Please open the door or I shall break it down, sir.”

              Rick’s eyebrows rose at that.  He opened the door.  Randall came in without being invited.

              “What’s wrong?” Rick said.

              “You, sir, are wrong,” Randall said.

              “Come again?”

              “I’ve seen this before, Rick. What you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon with someone who has experienced intense distress, abuse, or trauma.  You have two choices.  You can either let it rule you or you can face it and work through it,” Randall said.

              Rick looked into Randall’s dark eyes and said, “Randall, I’ve done everything I know to do.  Marcus and Ben’s only solution is laudanum and there isn’t any right now.  It was working, too.”

              “No, it was merely masking the problem, sir.  You need to face the problem instead of running away from it,” Randall said.  “You’re fighting the memories, correct?”

              “Yes.  I don’t want to see them.  I don’t want to dream about it.  I don’t want to think about her or what she did to me,” Rick said.  His head began to hurt.

              “I assume you are speaking of your mother?” Randall said.

              “Yes.  Please don’t make me talk about this.”

              “You must.  You must let the memories come or you will descend into madness.  You are close as it is and you will end up in an asylum.  Is that what you want?”

              “No, of course not,” Rick said.

              “Then face it!  Do whatever it is you need to in order to do that!  Talk about it, write about it!  Something!  Do not hide behind alcohol or drugs, because they will not completely solve the problem,” Randall said.

              “What do you know about it?” Rick demanded.  “Have you ever been beaten as a child?  Have you ever been locked in a closet for days without food or water?  Have you?”

              “No, sir.”

              “Have you ever been whipped with a riding crop?  Have you ever been told by your mother how much she hated you and how she should have killed you in the womb or as soon as you were born?” Rick shouted.

              “No, sir.”

              “Have you ever killed your mother and had to go on the run to avoid going to jail?”

              “No, sir.”

              “Then what the hell do you know about it?” Rick asked.

              Randall said, “Have you ever been the victim of a sexual assault?”

              His question brought Rick up short.  “No.”

              “I have and for years I was a complete wreck, much like yourself.  Nothing worked.  I tried opium, spirits, women; all to no avail, sir.  The only thing that saved me was facing what happened and realizing that I couldn’t move forward until I went back.  Rick, that is what you must do.  You must go back in order to move forward,” Randall said.  “I trust that you will do the right thing, sir.  Gina deserves that and so do those dear children.  So do what you must and then make things right.”

              “She deserves better than me, Randall.  Someone stable, someone reliable.”

              “You are quite right, sir.  She does deserve someone better.  So make yourself better and become someone stable and reliable once again.  You’re an intelligent man.  I trust that you will figure out how to do that.  Good day, sir,” Randall said.  He pulled the door open, gave Rick a meaningful look, and then closed the door behind him.

              Rick didn’t know how long he stood there with Randall’s words spinning around in his mind. 
Go back in order to move forward. 
He heard them over and over.  Rick finally sat down, but the words wouldn’t leave him alone.  Hours later, he came to a decision.  He knew what he had to do. 

              Rick snuck into the bar that night.  It wasn’t hard to do since he wasn’t wearing his usual clothing.  Instead of the duster and hat, he wore a buckskin coat with wool lining and a tan cowboy hat.  He’d tied his hair back and put up the collar of his coat so it looked like he had short hair.

              “Hey, Sitting Duck,” he said as he approached the bouncers’ table.

              Reckless looked at him with wide eyes.  “I did not recognize you.  You should not be here.”

              “I know.  I’m not staying.  Listen, there’s something I have to go do.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.  Will you please take care of my critters for me?”
              “Yes.  Of course.  Where are you going?”

              “To face some things and get things right in my head again.  Here’s some money.  You know what my critters eat.  Buy whatever you need for them,” Rick said as he handed Reckless a thick bankroll.  “If you need more, here’s my bank account number and a letter stating that you are to be allowed access to it.”

              “Ok.  Why me?”

              “Is that a complaint or a genuine question?” Rick asked with a smile.

              “A question.  Why not Jack or Marcus?” Reckless asked, smiling back.

              “Because you know what it’s like to go on a vision quest and what I have to do is sort of like that.  Everyone else but you will try to stop me.  But you?  You know that there are some things that must be done no matter what.  And this needs done.”

              Reckless nodded.  “Yes, I know what you mean.”

              “Will you give this to Gina?”

              Reckless took the letter and put it in his pocket.  “Yes.  I will make sure she gets it.”  He rose and hugged Rick.  “May Wakan Tanka bless your trip.  I wish you good luck, uncle.”

              Tears pricked Rick’s eyes as he pulled away from Reckless.  “Take care of yourself, Sitting Duck.”

              Reckless laughed as Rick strode away from him. 

              Rick stopped by the bar and Jake did a double take.  “Rick, what are you doing here?”

              “I’m just here for my pay, Jake, and then I’ll be out of your hair, ok?” Rick asked.

              “Ok.  I’ll be right back,” Jake said.

              Rick followed him back to the office.  “I thought it would be better for me to wait back here so no one talks to me.  There won’t be any trouble that way.”

              Jake nodded as he counted out Rick’s money and then handed it to him.  “Rick, it’s a damn shame.  I’m sorry it has to be this way.”

              “That’s all right, boss.  You haven’t seen the last of me,” Rick said.  “I’ll see you later, Jake.  Take care.”

              “You, too, Rick,” Jake said.

              “I’m going to leave out the back, ok?”

              “Sure.  Go ahead.”  Jake sighed as he heard the back door open and close.  “Why can’t I keep good bouncers?”

              The next day, Gina was attempting to work.  It wasn’t going very well.  She had told the children the night before about her and Rick breaking up.  Ryan was despondent and Chloe became angry along with being sad.  She’d stomped off to her room and slammed the door.  Gina had held Ryan for quite some time, crying along with her son.

              Now, as she tried to sew, tears kept blurring her vision, and she had to stop and dry her eyes.  She had thought that working would help occupy her mind, but the pain was too fresh and kept intruding.  Finally, she gave up and put aside her work.

              She found Ryan in the playroom and said, “Hi, honey.  Would you like to go for a ride?”

              His eyes brightened.  “Yeah.  Can we go to town?  I want some candy.”

              Gina couldn’t refuse him anything at the moment.  “Sure.  Let’s get your coat and hat on.”

              On the way into town, they met Reckless.

              “I was coming to see you,” he told them.  His expression was cheerless.

              “Oh.  It’s always nice to see you, Reckless,” she said with a small smile.

              Reckless pulled out an envelope from the wolf hide coat he wore and handed it to her.  “He wanted me to give this to you.”

              Gina didn’t need Reckless to tell her who “he” was.  She looked at her name, which was printed on the front of the envelope, and recognized Rick’s handwriting.  Tears immediately filled her eyes and she had great difficulty in preventing the sobs that bubbled up in her chest.  Reckless put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. He’d come to like Gina very much.

              “What is this?” she asked.  There was something hard inside the envelope.

              “I do not know.  He has gone on a vision quest,” Reckless said.

              Gina glanced at him.  “A what?”

              “A vision quest.  In our culture, when a boy becomes a certain age, he goes out into the wilderness on a vision quest.  It means that they seek answers to questions they may have about life or what they should do about a certain problem.  It may be a personal problem or a problem that the tribe is having,” Reckless explained.

              Gina said, “I see.  And this is what he’s doing?  Where is he going?”

              “I do not know and he does not know when he will return,” Reckless said.

              Gina looked into his dark eyes and saw the kindness in them.  “Thank you, Reckless.  You’re a good friend.”

              Reckless smiled.  “You are welcome.  Take care.”  He looked at Ryan.  “One day I will take you to our village and you can play with the other children.  Would you like that?”

              “Yeah!  When will we go?” the little boy asked.

              “Soon.  Be well,” Reckless said and rode away.

              As much as she wanted to, Gina couldn’t read the letter right then.  She’d promised Ryan candy and she wasn’t going to disappoint him.  He’d had enough of that in his young life.

              “Ok, mister.  Let’s get going,” she said, kicking her horse forward.

              Ryan followed suit and they soon arrived in town.

              Gina didn’t get to read Rick’s letter until late afternoon.  Chloe had arrived home from school and was excited about the day she’d had and Ryan had wanted to play a game.  Finally, she was able to go to her room so she could have some privacy.  After shutting the door, Gina sat down in the chair in a corner of the room and held the letter.  She wanted badly to read it, but she was also afraid to see what it contained.

              Steeling herself, she opened it and began reading:

Dear Lovely,

              I am so sorry for hurting you and the children.  It was never my intention to do so and I hate myself for it.  Never did I imagine meeting someone as wonderful as you and the little people.  You made me happier than I ever imagined I’d be and I miss all of you so much already.  As I said to you, I know that I will never love anyone again and I’ll love you all the rest of my days.

              I am grateful to you for all of the support and love you showed me while I continued to fall apart.  When we first began our relationship, I had no idea that all of this darkness and pain would rise up and control me as it has.  Through it all, you remained steadfast and loyal and I’ll always love you for it.  You have more heart and dedication than I have ever seen in my life.  You are an extraordinary woman.

              By the time Reckless gives this to you, I will have started my journey.  As Randall pointed out, I have to go back in order to go forward.  So that is what I’m doing.  I hope it works.  I am desperate at this point and will do anything to stop my spiral into insanity.  I know you by now and so I won’t tell you not to worry about me.  Even though I’ve hurt you in the worst possible way, you will worry.  It’s just the kind of person you are; compassionate and kind.

              I’ve enclosed a key to our house.  I don’t know how long this will take, but I have a proposition for you.  Even though I don’t deserve it, I am going to ask that you keep an open mind and perhaps keep your heart open as well.  If when I do return and I find your engagement ring on the kitchen counter, I’ll know that you have moved on and no longer wish to marry me.  If it is not there, I’ll know that you will forgive me someday and be willing to marry me.

              I have not done this for selfish reasons.  All right, maybe somewhat selfishly.  What I am doing, I do for you and the little people.  The thought of hurting any of you physically chills me to the bone and I would never be able to live knowing that I had.  I hope that you can see past the pain and fury you must feel for me right now, and know that I do this out of love.