Madonna (35 page)

Before the concert tour had played its last date in Europe, the film
Who's That Girl?
was already dead in the water. What business the critics didn't suffocate, word of mouth sufficiently killed off.

“A tired screwball comedy…
Who's That Girl?
may not sink as fast as last summer's
Shanghai Surprise
, but it eventually sinks almost as far,” claimed
USA Today
. “A rattling failure,” deadpanned the
Los Angeles Times
. “All of the noise and color of a carnival—but none of the thrills,” wrote
MacLean's
in Canada.
“Who's That Girl?
bombs,” bannered
Rolling Stone
. The only good review was from Vincent Canby in the
New York Times
who claimed, “Madonna is sexy and funny—a very engaging comedian. Griffin Dunne gives his most stylishly comic performance.” Unfortunately, the audience who buys Madonna records generally doesn't consult the
New York Times
when making their movie choices.

Next to
Shanghai Surprise, Who's That Girl?
is a masterpiece, even if it is a flawed masterpiece. Immediately working against it is the nasal-sounding Brooklyn accent that Madonna affects for her role as Nikki Finn, a bleached blonde on parole. She sounds and dresses like an imitation Cyndi Lauper. Nonetheless, Madonna looks much more comfortable in this role than she did as a missionary in China.

There are some genuinely funny moments in the film, such as when Griffin Dunne asks Madonna with a straight face, “Are you the Antichrist?” When Dunne's fiancée (actress Haviland Morris) asks her muscle-bound bodyguard, “Is it possible for you to be any dumber?” his deadpan reply is, “I don't see how.” And, Madonna has her moments, delivering lines like, “You've got to see me spend money to really appreciate me.”

From a nineties perspective, having witnessed Madonna's transformation into an outspoken gay rights activist, it is interesting to note that there are several obviously gay characters portrayed in this film who are presented in a positive, matter-of-fact fashion—from the macho female prison guard to the persnickety salesman in Cartier. Two running male characters, police detectives Bellson (Robert Swan) and Doyle (Drew Pillsbury) spend the film bantering back and forth while chasing Madonna's Nikki Finn. In the end of the film, they end up comically falling in love and consummating their discovery with a dramatic mouth-to-mouth kiss.

Even more ironic about the failure of the film was the fact that in August, Madonna's latest single, the theme song “Who's That Girl?” hit Number One in America. Furthermore, the soundtrack album was a Top Ten million-seller, and the second single from the movie, “Causing a Commotion,” hit Number Two in October and hovered there for three weeks.

With all of that promotion, what went wrong? Madonna was undisputedly the most popular female singer in the world, she sold out concert tickets from Tokyo to Torino, yet she couldn't get herself arrested at the box office.

Who's That Girl?
not only followed one of the worst movies ever made—
Shanghai Surprise
—but it joined the ranks of several rock star vehicles that had recently bombed at the box office. Prince's
Under the Cherry Moon
, David Bowie's
Labyrinth
, and Sting's
The Bride
had recently proven that record sales and movie ticket sales are two different animals.

Even Madonna's co-stars were surprised by the film's failure. Coati Mundi tried to explain why it failed: “Probably one of the reasons is that Madonna has this thing about wanting to be an actress, and people really don't want to see her as an actress. One of the things is the public expecting to see this sort of street character, like
Desperately Seeking Susan
, and then see her performing a few songs. She was trying to do a stretch, and it probably wasn't accepted, and there were probably other problems—maybe the script wasn't as funny as people at first thought. God knows—I really don't know why. When you have big stars, people expect big things. And all it was was a little light-hearted comedy, nothing profound. You can't compare it to the big movies of the forties. It's a whole different thing, just a light-hearted comedy. If it wasn't Madonna, if it was somebody else, the axe wouldn't have fallen so hard.”
¹⁵⁰

Just to prove that you can never predict what an audience will think of a film,
Who's That Girl?
went on to become something of a hit outside America. Madonna said, “I've been around the world and made a fairly large impression—and many of my ideas go over much better in Europe and Japan than they do in America.
Who's That Girl?
—the film—is doing really well in Europe and I'm getting great reviews. I think the movie did badly in America because I upstaged it with my tour.”
³⁴

Since Sean was doing time in jail for much of the time that Madonna was out promoting her concert tour and new movie, she was frequently asked about her husband by the press: Has he learned his lesson? Why does he react so violently to the press? And what is she doing with him?