Lynn Osterkamp - Cleo Sims 03 - Too Many Secrets (15 page)

An hour later, Paige stumbled out of the apparition chamber,
pale and trembling. “We have to go back,” she said, her voice choked
with tears. “All of us. Back to Indian Peaks.” She stood shakily in
the middle of the room, staring past us, blinking as if a spotlight shone in
her face.

Her stunned look told me she had contacted someone in the
apparition chamber, and the experience had deeply shocked her. I walked slowly
toward her and put my arm around her shoulders. “Rest for a minute,”
I said, guiding her toward a chair. “Then tell us what happened.”

Paige twitched and shook free of me. “No,” she
said, her eyes darting around the room. “We can’t waste time resting. We
need to get all the Moxie members together and go up there now.” She
darted out to the waiting room.

I followed. She was already pulling on her boots when I got
out there. She kept getting the left boot twisted on her foot, shaking her foot
to get it off, and trying again with jerky hands. Her agitation worried me. I
could see she was in an altered state after her contact session. I couldn’t let
her drive into the mountains in this blizzard. I stood in front of her, took
hold of her shoulders and pulled her to face me. “Paige, stop,” I
said firmly. “Think for a minute. It’s 4:30 in the afternoon in December.
It’s already dark in the mountains and we’ve just had a blizzard. You wouldn’t
be able to get to the campground, and even if you did, it would be too cold and
snowy to do anything.”

She stared blankly at me. Then her face crumpled and she
began to sob. “Sabrina is dead,” she wailed. “And she told me to
bring Moxie back together up there. I have to do it.”

I put my arms around her and hugged her as she sobbed on my
shoulder. I wasn’t surprised that Paige had reacted strongly and viscerally to
the contact session. A creative, spiritually-attuned person like her can easily
let go of inhibitions and relax into an experience.

“I have to do this one last thing for Sabrina,” she
wailed. “I have to.”

Gayle had followed us and was watching quietly from the
doorway. Tears ran down her face. “You’re sure, Paige?” she asked.
“You’re sure she’s dead? You’re sure you talked to Sabrina’s spirit?”

Paige pulled herself back from my shoulder. She looked like
she had come out of her fog. She spoke softly. “Yes, Gayle. I know it was
her.”

My heart ached for them. Although they had both said earlier
that they thought Sabrina was dead, they had still kept a glimmer of hope alive
for her survival. Now that glimmer was gone. They needed time to grieve, but it
was also important for Paige to tell us about her experience while it was still
fresh in her mind. “Let’s go back in the other room and talk about what
happened,” I said. “Then Gayle and I can help you find the best way
to honor Sabrina’s request.”

Paige let me lead her back to the counseling room and we all
sat down. Paige looked down at her lap, running her hands through her hair,
alternately pulling it back and letting it fall forward again into her face.
Gayle and I sat across from her watching quietly.

“Spirits can be confusing,” I said. “When they
suggest something, they may not mean it as literally as you think. Can you tell
us exactly what happened and what Sabrina said?”

Paige squared her shoulders and sat up. She looked intently
at us. “Okay. Here’s how it went,” she said slowly. “I was
nervous when I first got in there. I wanted to see Sabrina and yet I didn’t
want to see her. But I knew I had to try to reach her, so I focused on my
breathing and got centered. I let my eyes go into a soft focus, looking at the
mirror and waited.”

She sighed deeply and wiped her eyes before she continued.
“After a bit I saw colors all over the mirror and then I began to see
scenes of past Moxie gatherings. They felt real to me, as if I had gone back in
time. I could feel the powerful love and support that we had in Moxie for so
long. I was happy.” She leaned back and smiled to herself as if the scenes
were replaying inside her head.

“Was it like a dream seeing those scenes?” Gayle
asked.

“A little like a dream, but more real,” Paige said.
“It’s hard to describe.” She thought for a minute. “No, it was
more like a movie. I knew I was awake and I was aware of myself sitting in the
chair watching the scenes. Then the scenes faded into the background and I saw
Sabrina in the mirror. That wasn’t like a dream at all. It was real. She was
right there in front of me. I was looking right into her face. I was sad
because I knew she must be dead. But she didn’t look sad. She was smiling, kind
of glowing. She told me not to worry about her, that she’s fine. I could feel
love from her.” Paige’s face softened and she paused, gazing off into
space.

I waited silently. I wanted to let Paige tell us about her
contact experience in her own way, as I always do when someone comes out of the
apparition chamber. To facilitate that, I listen attentively, nod
encouragingly, but interrupt rarely.

Gayle, on the other hand, followed a different script. She
fidgeted, tapped her foot, clasped and unclasped her hands. Then she broke the
silence. “Did you ask Sabrina what happened to her? Did she tell you how
she died?” she asked.

Paige hesitated as if deep in thought. Then she turned her
attention back to us. “Yes,” she said, “I asked Sabrina
questions. And she talked to me, but it was inside my head. It was like I
thought of a question and she answered it before I could ask her. I didn’t
exactly hear her speak, but I knew what she was saying. I asked her how she
died. She said it was an accident, a mistake. I asked her to tell me about it,
but all she said was, ‘Moxie has the answers.’”

“Gayle shook her head vigorously. “Oof! What kind
of answer is that?” she asked. “What kind of accident? Why didn’t the
searchers find her body?” Her tone sharpened. “How can Moxie have the
answers?”

Paige leaned forward toward Gayle. “I know it’s
frustrating, Gayle,” she said. Her eyes tightened and her voice rose a
bit. “But I can only tell you what she said.”

Paige took a couple of deep breaths and then went on with her
description. “I asked her how we could find the answers, but all she said
was ‘Moxie.’ So I told her I found her thirty-day plan and asked her if the
answers are in it. She said, ‘It’s about Moxie. You all have to finish it. Go
have another circle ceremony. Return to the Moxie spirit. Fix it.’ Then she
faded away and I couldn’t talk to her anymore.” Paige closed her eyes and
leaned back.

“It’s crazy to try to have a circle ceremony at Indian
Peaks in this weather,” Gayle said. “Anyway, did she say we should go
up there? You said she said we should go have another circle ceremony. Why
would it have to be there?”

Paige opened her eyes with a start. “Sabrina wants us to
go there. I know she does.”

“But did she actually say that?”

“It’s what she meant,” Paige said, turning to me.
“Cleo, do spirits say everything they mean or do they just pass on the
feeling and trust you to understand?” she asked.

“That I can’t answer,” I said. “I have no way
of knowing what spirits want us to understand. I do know that people have
different experiences with spirits. Some have clear specific conversations.
Others say the spirits talk very little or not at all, but they have a strong
sense of why the spirit is there. Some people say the spirits ask them to do
something. Others just get a feeling of peace and support.”

“Exactly,” Paige said. She may not have said the
words ‘Indian Peaks,’ but I know she wants us to go there.”

Gayle got up, went over and sat next to Paige on the couch,
putting her arm around Paige’s shoulders. She spoke softly. “Paige, isn’t
it possible that what she wants is just for you to bring Moxie together in
another circle ceremony? You’re Rivka Ravenstar, so you’re the one to set it
up. But couldn’t we have it inside, since it’s the dead of winter and freezing
up at Indian Peaks?”

Paige tilted her head to the side and pulled on her ear, as
she took time to reflect. “You’re right, Gayle,” she said, finally.
“I am Rivka and I can decide. Nature isn’t welcoming for an outdoor
ceremony right now. And it’s not the space where the ceremony takes place
that’s important. It’s the intent behind the ceremony and the open hearts of
participants that make it sacred. We can have it at my studio tomorrow. It’s
Sunday, so no classes are scheduled. You find out when they can all come, and
make sure they get there. I’ll set up the ceremony.”

Gayle hugged Paige enthusiastically. “Perfect,” she
said. “And I think Cleo should come too, because I know they’ll have lots
of questions about your contact with Sabrina.”

Paige nodded. “Will you join us tomorrow, Cleo? We’ll
get back to you with the time.”

“I will,” I said. “Do you think we should
share the thirty-day plan with all of them? I Xeroxed some copies while you
were in the chamber.”

“Yes,” Paige said. “I think we should. Sabrina
said the plan is about Moxie and that we all have to fix it.”

“But wait a minute,” Gayle said. “The plan
isn’t just about Moxie. Ian and Brandi and Erik are in it too. What should we
do about that?”

“We already tried to talk to Brandi about it,”
Paige said. “And that got us nowhere. And Erik is dead. But Ian is a
different matter. I don’t know about talking to him about the plan, but
shouldn’t we tell him that I contacted his mother’s spirit—that we know
Sabrina is gone?”

Gayle jumped up. “You’re right,” she said, pacing
the room. “We have to tell Ian. But omigod, this will devastate him.
Brandi has him totally convinced that Sabrina is still alive. We’ll be wiping
out his hope.” She turned to me. “How should we tell him, Cleo?”

Tricky. Oh so tricky. No way I wanted either of them going to
Ian to tell him Paige’s contact session was proof that his mother was dead.
“We have to be very careful,” I said. “Contacting a spirit in my
apparition chamber doesn’t prove the person is dead.”

“But I saw her!” Paige said. “She was a spirit
floating in that mirror. What else could it mean?”

“Some people would say you hallucinated her image,”
I said. “Or even worse, that the three of us conspired to show Sabrina is
dead so we could get Ian and Sabrina’s estate away from Brandi. I’m sure she’d
say that.”

Gayle scowled. “So you think we shouldn’t tell Ian?
Wouldn’t it be just as wrong to keep it a secret from him?”

“Yes,” I said. “I want to let him know what
Paige saw. But I’d like to tell him myself so I can tell him about the
apparition chamber and answer his questions. You two go ahead and set up the
Moxie meeting and I’ll talk with Ian.”

Saturday evening

A wave of exhaustion swept over me on my way home from
meeting with Paige and Gayle. As I picked my way along the icy sidewalk to my
car, shivering in the cold, dark evening, I realized that I wasn’t yet used to
the toll pregnancy was taking on my energy. Probably just as well that Pablo
was working and staying in Longmont tonight. I barely had the energy to
scramble myself some eggs and collapse in front of the TV.

Which was exactly what I did. And then promptly fell asleep
on the couch.

“Yo, Cleo.”

I jolted awake and saw Tyler crouched on his surfboard, knees
bent, legs wide, arms outstretched, as an unseen wave tossed him around my
living room. I felt seasick.

“Tyler! Slow down. You’re making me dizzy and sick to my
stomach.”

He cruised back over to the couch and hovered just above my
feet.

“Don’t blow it, Cleo. Grab Ian’s wave before he takes a
nosedive.”

“I barely even know Ian. What kind of nosedive is he
about to take? What do you want me to do for him?”

“Ian hits the surf like the Duke. He’s outrageous. But
he’s in the fog. Doesn’t know which line to take. Don’t let him get
swallowed.”

“Doesn’t know which line to take? What do you mean? Are
you talking about what happened to Sabrina? He’s not the only one. No one
knows.”

“You’re in the channel, Cleo. Don’t bail on him.”

“If you’re saying I should tell him about Paige
contacting Sabrina in the apparition chamber, I’m already planning on doing
that. As soon as I get a chance.”

“Tick, tock,” Tyler said as he floated away through
the wall.

I looked at my watch. 7:30 p.m.

My phone rang. “Hey girl, what’s up with you?”
Elisa boomed. “I haven’t heard from you since Maria and I left Thursday
morning.”

I filled her in on Brandi and Erik’s Friday night visit and
how Pablo walked in just at the right minute. Then I blew her mind with the
info about Erik’s fatal collision in the icy pileup. She waited until I got
through it all before she exploded. “Whew, girl! You’ve been busy. I can’t
believe you didn’t call right away about Brandi and Erik showing up on your
doorstep, and her YouTube video, and Erik’s claim that he might have some
information about where Sabrina is. You know how I like to be kept in the
loop.”

“Sorry,” I muttered, “I was …”

“Never mind your excuses. You didn’t even call about
Erik’s crash! Now that’s some news. You must feel relieved.”

“I hate to say I’m glad someone’s dead,” I said.
“But in his case, I admit…”

Elisa interrupted again. “Don’t apologize. I want to
sing the wicked witch is dead myself. You know I worry about you and with Erik
gone for good, I can breathe a little easier. How did Brandi take the news?
Have you talked to her?”

“Oh, yeah. Get this. She wants to go into my apparition
chamber to try to contact Erik. Says she still believes he knows something
about where Sabrina is. Of course I said no, and of course she’s furious.”

“Do you think she’s right that Erik did know where
Sabrina is?”

“I doubt it. They’re both big-time liars who will say
whatever they think will get them what they want. Brandi admitted she lied
about Erik calling her when Sabrina and her friends went up to Indian Peaks.
And she admits she did it so people would believe Sabrina is still alive.”

“Do you think she actually believes Sabrina is still
alive?”

“I don’t know. She says she can ‘feel’ Sabrina’s
presence.”

“What do you think?”

“Paige went into my apparition chamber today and
contacted Sabrina. She was very clear that she saw Sabrina’s spirit and talked
to her and that she really is dead.”

“Whoa! Does Brandi believe Sabrina is dead now that
Paige had that contact session?”

“Brandi doesn’t know about it. Besides Paige and me, you
and Gayle are the only ones who know right now.

“Are you planning to tell Brandi?”

I updated Elisa on the visit Paige, Gayle and I had made to
Brandi after Paige found Sabrina’s thirty-day plan. “She threw us out and
threatened legal action,” I said, “so, no, I don’t plan to call her.
Anyway, it’s not like someone found Sabrina’s body. A contact session isn’t
proof of death.”

“True,” Elisa said. “So you won’t be telling
the police either?”

“I can’t imagine the police would take me
seriously,” I said. “Even Pablo is skeptical about my spirit
contacts. But I am thinking I should talk to Ian. It seems wrong not to at
least let him know what Paige saw. What do you think? You know him better than
I do.”

Elisa was silent for a minute, then said, “Actually Ian
is one of the reasons I called. Apparently Brandi has decided that she and Ian
are moving to Park City, Utah. The top-rated snowboarding halfpipe coach lives
there, and he’s agreed to coach Ian. Maria is having a complete meltdown. But
Ian is excited about the move, says Maria can fly out for weekends. No way I’ll
be letting her do that, given the type of supervision Brandi is likely to
provide. So Maria’s even more pissed at me than she was the other night.”
Loud sigh.

Uh-oh. This must be what Tyler was talking about when he said
Ian’s in the fog and I have to help him. But what could I do? Of course Ian
would be excited to work with the best coach. And, given what Sabrina had
written about him in her thirty-day plan, he’d probably be glad to be in a new
school
[LO1]
 
that
might be less demanding, as well as continuing to live with Brandi who won’t
make him put school-work first.

“Wow! Brandi’s taking Ian and leaving the state,” I
said. “I’m thinking she wants to get Ian as far away from Gayle and the
other Moxie women as she can. You wouldn’t think she could take him out of the
state, but she’s been working with a lawyer so I assume they have it all
figured out.”

“And they’re not wasting any time about it,” Elisa
said. “She’s planning to go right away so Ian can start school there after
the holidays.”

Uh, oh. I realized that my chances of talking to Ian were
going down the drain quickly. This must be what Tyler meant by “tick,
tock.” I had promised Gayle and Paige that I would tell Ian about Paige’s
contact with Sabrina, and the push from Tyler had added to my resolve. But I
was still a little nervous about doing it.

“How do you think Ian would react if I tell him about
Paige contacting his mom in the apparition chamber?” I asked.

“That’s a hard call.” Elisa said. “I don’t
know him that well. He mostly talks about sports—at least when I’m
around. Aside from that night at your house, we haven’t talked about his
mother. You’re the grief therapist. How do you think he might react?”

“Probably not well,” I said. “He might be
devastated that there’s a sign that his mother isn’t alive, or he might think
the whole thing is a fake, or he might be upset that someone other than him
talked to his mother’s spirit. But I think I have to tell him.”

“I agree,” Elisa said. “Other people know, so
he should too. Ian and Maria are hanging out with some friends in Boulder
tonight. Do you want me to call her and see if they can stop by your
house?”

I didn’t really want to see them right then, but I knew it
wouldn’t get easier by putting it off. And, Tyler’s “tick, tock” rang
in my ears.

“Okay,” I said, “if they can come before 9:00.
But don’t give them any specifics, okay? Just say something like ‘a few things
have come up about his mom that I’d like to talk to him about.’”

§ § §

Maria and Ian were on my doorstep at 8:30. Maria was
scrunched into her coat, her face barely visible. “My mom said you had
some important news about Ian’s mom,” she said, her words rushing out.
“Do you know where his mom is?”

Ian hung back silently, his face serious, brow furrowed. My
heart rate went up. Maybe this meeting was a big mistake.

I ushered them into the living room where I had a fire going
and hot chocolate and cookies ready. We sat—them on the couch, me in a
chair. “Thanks for coming by,” I said. “What I have to tell you
may seem a little strange to you, Ian. Feel free to accept it or reject it. I
just feel like I have to give you this information.”

“Sure,” he said, stiffening a little.

His wariness before I even told him anything concerned me. I
could see I wasn’t getting off to a good start with him. I decided to back off
and talk to Maria in hopes he’d relax a bit. “Maria, you know a lot about
my Contact Project,” I said. “Have you told Ian anything about
it?”

She shook her head, and looked down at her hands. “Not
really,” she said. “It’s kind of hard to explain.”

Not what I was hoping to hear. Looked like I’d have to start
from the beginning. And, like Maria said, it’s hard to explain. I started with
Grampa, how much I loved him, how much I missed him after he died, how I
finally tried setting up the apparition chamber to see if I could contact him,
and how good I felt when I talked to his spirit. Ian avoided my eyes, mostly
looking down as I talked. Maria held his hand but remained silent.

I plunged on, going through my use of the apparition chamber
with grief therapy clients and how contacting spirits of loved ones had helped
them accept their losses. Ian jiggled his foot while I talked, then held up his
free hand, palm facing me. “Stop,” he said. “Are you trying to
tell me I should go into your chamber and try to contact my mom? Because I
don’t want to do that.”

“No,” I said. “Even if you wanted to do it, I
couldn’t let you because you’re a minor. And at this point it’s not even clear
who has the authority to sign a consent form to let you do it.”

Ian pulled his hand free from Maria’s and turned to her.
“Why did you bring me here?”

She pulled back. Tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m
sorry,” she said, opening and closing her mouth a few times as if
struggling to find the right words. “My mom said Cleo had something
important to tell us.” She looked at me, her head tilted to one side.
“Do you have something to tell us, Cleo? What did you tell my mom?”

None of this was going the way I had hoped, but I was too far
in to turn back. “Here’s what happened,” I said, and then I told them
about Paige’s contact session. “She was sure she saw your mom and talked
to her,” I said, “and she and Gayle and I decided it would be wrong
not to share that with you.”

Ian shrugged and gave me a polite smile. “Look,” he
said. “I know you’re Maria’s good friend and her mom’s good friend, and
I’m sure you mean well. But I don’t believe in ghosts or spirits or whatever
you call them. And I believe my mom’s still alive. So unless you know where she
is or you have a clue about where she might be, you can’t help me.”

He turned to Maria. “We need to get over to Kirby’s
before it gets any later,” he said. “They’ll be wondering where we
are.” He pulled her up.

She put her hands on his shoulders and looked into his face.
“No, wait, Ian,” she said. “Think about it for a minute. Your
mom has been missing for a month now. If she’s alive, wouldn’t she have called
you or sent you an email or something? Wouldn’t she want you to know she’s
safe?”

He sagged. “Maria, we’ve been through this.” He
pulled away from her, frowning. “Just because I haven’t heard from her
doesn’t mean she’s not alive. Maybe she’s being held prisoner somewhere, or
maybe she hit her head and wandered off and doesn’t know who she is, or maybe
she’s just off somewhere with a really good reason not to let anyone know.
That’s as real as some room with phony ghosts.”

He walked over to the front hall and grabbed their jackets,
then came back to the couch and handed Maria hers. “Are you coming?”
he asked.

“Sure,” she said, putting her jacket on. She walked
over and gave me a quick hug. “Thanks, Cleo,” she said. “I’ll
talk to you later.”

After they left, I sat by the fire, rerunning the
conversation in my head. What had I been thinking? I was so focused on giving
Ian the news that I totally overlooked exploring his interest in hearing it. My
agenda, not his. Very un-therapist-like behavior.