Love Uncovered (Forbidden Fruit) (2 page)

~~~~~

Julie watched in horror as Max stormed off toward the woods. She took a deep breath to gather her thoughts, turned on her heel, and walked back to the porch to try to smooth things over with her mom and the girls.

Amazingly, her mom had done a better job of it than she had. When Amanda asked in a small scared voice if Daddy was coming back, it was
Julie’s mom that answered.

“Of course he is,” said Carol, rubbing the girl’s back in reassuring circles. “You know how he feels, sweetheart. You’ve been so frustrated you’ve wanted to break something before, haven’t you?” The little girl nodded and
Julie managed a small smile. Amanda’s temper was legendary. “Your dad feels like that. He’s so frustrated and he needs some time alone to cool off. He’ll be back.” As she spoke Carol looked over Amanda’s head and caught Julie’s gaze. “Don’t worry.”

Julie
blinked back tears, turning just in time to catch Emily watching them, skepticism clear in her expression. Amanda might be soothed, but her teenager was a different matter. Carol followed her gaze and reached out to pull Emily to her. If Julie had tried she would have shrugged her off, but apparently accepting comfort from Grandma was acceptable.

“I think Mom and Daddy could use some time alone together. Why don’t you girls go pack your
things. You can come home with Grandpa and I. We’ll have lots of fun.” When the girls didn’t immediately start to move, she added, “There’s one of those Mall of America kind of places on the way. If we hurry, I bet we can get your grandpa to stop there.”

Real excitement lit Emily’s eyes and the girls hurried off to pack the things they’d barely started to unpack.

“Mom, you don’t have to do this. We’ll be fine. Max is just worn out from work. He needs time to cool off and then he’ll be fine.”

Carol took
Julie by the hands and turned her to face her. “That didn’t sound like just stress from work, darling. It’s okay,” she said before Julie could interrupt. “It’s hard to be married. And it takes time – time that’s hard to come by when you have three kids depending on you. Let your daddy and I do this for you. The kids will be fine; we’ll have fun together and you and Max can take the time you need to find each other again.”

Julie
tried to swallow around a throat that was too tight. “Okay.”

Max came back as they were loading the last of the gear into Alan and Carol’s car. Regret shifted to confusion and almost immediately morphed into the anger that seemed to be constantly simmering below the surface. He pitched a fit. So what. It was the first one in almost two decades. He was due. It certainly wasn’t a reason for them to run away.

“What’s going on?” He saw Amanda’s joy at seeing him fade when she heard his tone. God, he didn’t want to be an asshole.  He deliberately relaxed his face and walked over to the back of the car where
Julie stood with her parents. “Jules, what’s going on?”

His normally in charge wife looked so young and uncertain. It was Carol who answered him.

“Alan and I are going to take the kids home with us for the rest of the week.” She took his arm and gave it a squeeze. “That way you and Julie can have some time together – alone.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry I lost my temper, but you don’t need leave.”

“We know, Son,” said Alan. After what he’d said earlier Max had a hard time looking his father-in-law in the eyes, and the endearment made it harder. “Listen, I’m sorry, too.”

Max
found his nerve and forced himself to look at Alan. The older man’s face was kind with none of the pull yourself up by your bootstraps gumption Max expected to find there. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“Yes I do, but I appreciate you saying it anyway. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of your kids for a couple of days so you can take care of mine.” Alan grabbed his hand and gave it a quick pump and then wrapped his daughter in his arms.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this earlier,” said Carol, pulling Max in for a hug. “My parents used to do it for us when the girls were small. You two take all the time you need. Nothing else works if you aren’t together.”

Almost automatically,
Max and Julie passed the kids around for hugs and kisses, before making sure everyone was buckled. Before he had a chance to decide how he felt about it, the car pulled down the gravel drive, leaving Max alone with his shell shocked wife.

“Well hell.”
Max collapsed on the deck chair next to Julie and took a swig of beer.

“Yeah.”
Julie reached for the beer and took a long pull before she handed the bottle back to him. They used to share like this all the time. Max teased her that it made the beer taste better. When was the last time they’d done something as simple as sharing a beer? Hell, when was the last time she’d sat down next to him long enough to share anything? What happened to them? “I’m sorry.”

Max
pulled back and stared at her. “Isn’t that my line?”

Her
answering smile was soft and sad. “I didn’t mean to pick at you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It feels like I’m angry all the time.”

“Yeah, I know.
Me, too.” He held the bottle out to her. “This is a start, right?”

She took a swallow and nodded.
“Yep. I feel bad saying it now, but my parents make me crazy.”

“Really?
Hadn’t noticed.” He ducked as she reached over to swat him. “You just have to stop worrying so much about what they think. You do that to yourself. They don’t do it. Well, not on purpose anyway. Besides, right now they’re my favorite people.” He took the bottle from her and drained it.

“I know. Who thought they
’d be the perceptive ones? My dad didn’t make a single get over it crack and Mom was awesome with the kids. You should have heard her explain things to Amanda. I stood there like I’d swallowed my tongue, and she was perfect.”

“I’m sorry the kids heard my rant. Sorry I yelled at you, too.”

“Me, too.” She giggled and reached over to twine her fingers with his. “Seriously, I know this isn’t the easiest vacation for you.”

“Vacation?
That’s what this is?”

This time she laughed out loud
. “You mean driving my dad around on the lake listening to war stories isn’t your dream vacation?”

“Actually, it’s the market tips and golf stories I love.” They sat side by side in the deepening twilight and watched the sun sink below the water.
In the stillness, she heard him sigh before he spoke again. “He’s done more than I’ve managed to do, your dad has. He took care of your mom and you and Abby. Put you both through college, paid for our wedding and still had something to invest in the market.”

The bitterness
in his voice caught her off guard. “You take care of us. You’re a great dad.”

“
Jules, what happens in four years when Emily’s ready to go to college? Or two years after that when Amanda and Emily are both in school? Then when they’re ready get married, Jake’ll be off to college. I have no idea how we’re going to pay for all that.”

“We’ll figure it out. Jake’s getting older. I’ll be able to help out more.”

“That’s not what I meant. I want to take care of them, of you. But I don’t see how. I never thought I’d be stuck in an office all the time. I hate my job, but with the way the economy’s going, I worry every day I won’t have it. It’s a fucked up feeling.”

She held onto his hand, stroking her thumb back and forth over the pulse beating at his wrist. She didn’t want to spook him. It had been so long since they’d talked like this. She hadn’t known this was how he felt. She wanted to reassure him, but she didn’t want him to stop talking
. She sat in the growing dark and waited.

“I love you guys. You know that, right?”

“Of course.”

“It’s just. I feel like I put my life on hold to do my job. You didn’t make me do it.” He hurried on. “I wanted to. I’m honored to be your husband and our kids’ father. I mean it, Jules.” He squeezed her hand, almost willing her to believe him. “I want to
be a provider like your dad was, hell like my dad was when he was around. But it feels like it’s never enough. I do everything I think I’m supposed to and it’s not enough. It’s all so tenuous. I can’t seem to get ahead of the obligations.”

“It’s a different world. And it wasn’t as perfect as it looked anyway. Our kids know you love them because you’re around to show them. My dad travelled all the time. Our kids aren’t going to grow up feeling like they have to hold up some kind of accomplishment for you to notice them.”

She squeezed his hand a little tighter. She’d been so caught up in meeting her own obligations, taking care of everything and everyone; she’d forgotten what he had been like before they got married. How much time he’d spent outside, rock climbing or paddling. She hadn’t told him to stop. It was just one more thing that slipped away. The trip to the lake was the most adventurous thing he did now. She had lost sight of how much it must have cost him to give all that up.

“You’
re a good man, Max, and a great dad and husband.” Her words sounded small and woefully insignificant but she was too shocked by his confession to say more right away. She gave his hand a squeeze and stood up. “We need more beer.”

She could barely make him out in the dark when she came back with the beer. She took a swallow
before she sat back down and handed the bottle to Max.

“What do you want to do now?”

“We could have sex.”

“Your enthusiasm is overwhelming,” he said, raising the bottle in mock salute.

“I’m just thinking. You’re always complaining that we don’t have enough sex.”

He turned to face her, the playfulness gone. “I don’t want obligatory sex, Jules. A quick fuck or blow job just so you can check that box on your mental list.
Had sex with husband – check.” His voice was mocking and her rage rose instantly, threatening to overwhelm her. “I want you to want it, too.”

Something inside her snapped.
All the nights when they made love and she didn’t come. All the times she put what everyone else needed before herself. The rage and want erupted from deep inside her. “Make me! I want you to make me want it. Help me feel something – anything but angry and alone.”

She launched herself out of the chair. Before he could respond
, she flew down the steps and disappeared into the night.

~~~~~

Julie scooted to the edge of the dock and lowered her toes into the water. The cool water drew out some of the heat of her anger, and she tugged the legs of her jeans up so she could sink her feet in farther. Below the top couple of inches, the water felt even colder. It was early enough in the season; it hadn’t had a chance to warm completely. She flexed her feet and spread her toes, watching their pale shapes under the water.

Oh God.
One minute they’d been talking – really talking – for the first time in forever and the next minute she’d been flying down the path to the lake in a full blown rage. She was so tired of feeling like this. Like simmering under everything was this quiet despair. Her life was good. She loved Max and the kids. Why couldn’t she just be happy with what she had?

But she wasn’t.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt unabashed joy. Most of the time what she felt was overwhelmed. When she and Max were pulling in the same direction it was okay. They could ride the challenges out together. Lately, she felt so isolated, like she was alone in a boat, waiting for the wave that would finally sink her.

It wasn’t what she wanted for any of them. She used to love things. Simple things like being outdoors or watching the sunset. She loved to read, to dance to the radio and sing along. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d done something she wanted to instead of something she was supposed to do.

Whose fault was that? No one asked her to martyr herself for them. The kids certainly
weren’t happy with her snarling at them and if today was any indication, Max wasn’t any happier than she was.

Swinging her feet slowly through the water, she looked out over the lake and watched the reflected moonlight dance on the surface. Light from the sliver of a moon kissed the tips of the ripples and the peepers chi
rped, punctuated occasionally by the deep chirrup of a bull frog.

She didn’t like herself anymore
. It felt awful. This was her life – the one she got, her gift from God, and she wasn’t living it the way she wanted to. Her eyes drifted closed and she breathed in the still night, praying with each exhale.
Please God. Please God. Please God.
Unsure of what to ask for but absolutely certain she did not want to feel like this for one minute more.

She heard a noise behind her and felt the dock move. Opening her eyes and shifting on the rough boards, she could make out
Max barely visible as he stepped onto the dock. As she watched, he stripped off his t-shirt. Even his olive skin looked pale in the moonlight as he shucked off his jeans and briefs. By the time he reached her he was completely naked.