Love & The Goddess (27 page)

We walked back to where the bus was and the shaman lifted our picnic basket out of the van, bringing it over to us as we sat on one of the wide steps nearby. Despite the trauma and gloom of the
morning the atmosphere had changed between us to that of light gaiety. In the warm sunshine, as the basket was opened, the scents of home-grown oregano along with nectarines and mangoes filled our
nostrils.

“Here you go. You must only eat peeled fruit in Peru.” Raúl placed an enormous peeled tomato on top of tin foil and began splitting an avocado. “You can spread this on
your bread, then sprinkle herbs before adding some delicious tomato.” He was smacking his lips. We did just what he suggested, beginning with lashings of avocado, followed by fragrant oregano
and succulent tomato. It tasted like the best recipe Larousse Gastronomique could ever produce. I felt that if I could condense the taste of Peru, I would bottle this simple combination.
“Kate, thanks for trying to save my camera. I feel guilty about what ended up happening to you,” said James, as we sat on a step near the bus enjoying the remainder of our picnic.

“Oh God, don’t feel guilty. I was the one who ran after the boy. I don’t know what madness came over me.”

“When you come on a journey like this, whatever happens, be it good or bad, it’s teaching you some lesson you need to learn,” Raúl said, between mouthfuls. “Do you
think you can accept this?” He glanced from me to James and back again.

James said, “What happens if you don’t accept the lesson?”

“Then life will teach you the same lesson over and over again until you finally learn it.”

“And what is the lesson?” I asked, knowing what the answer would be.

James answered for the shaman: “Not to be too attached to anything,” and Raúl nodded in agreement as Maria also murmured: “Yes, non attachment.”

“Oh look, I was mad as hell but I don’t want it to ruin my time here,” I said. “I’m certainly willing to chalk it up to having learnt a lesson. It would have been
so much worse if any of us had been stabbed by those boys. And I still have my memories. I came here to heal and that’s more important than worrying about possessions.”

Maria touched my arm gently as she looked at me saying, “Kate, that is what my mother would call ‘grace’.”

O
ur next stop was for two days on Amantani or “Love Island”. We stayed in a mountain-side guest house, and every morning and
evening we scaled the path to the summit to meditate on love and compassion. Raúl had suggested that I should try sending love and light to Trevor as an exercise in forgiveness. He said,
“Where there is a loving intention, un-forgiveness cannot exist. You will eventually feel gratitude for the lessons learnt and your heart will mend.” I focused on this exercise whenever
I visualised love and light at the start of a meditation. Bit by bit I began to find it easier than I would have thought possible. It made me feel light-hearted, as though I were being released
from shackles.

As we headed down to the guesthouse after yet another ceremony, Raúl told us: “I am taking each of you in turn for a tarot reading in my room and afterwards we can have a discussion
on the boat back to Puno. First I see Kate, while the rest of you do whatever packing you need.”

There’s always that strange sensation, entering a man’s room, knowing he has slept there. I knew I need not fear Raúl making any untoward advances – in fact, he had an
asexual vibe. Yet as I walked in, I was immediately hit by a very strong male odour, like testosterone mixed with smelly socks. I found him sitting at a small table with two decks of cards piled on
either side. He indicated for me to take the chair opposite him, and I sat down feeling somewhat apprehensive. What was he going to tell me? He asked me to shuffle the first deck and then cut it
into bundles of three, which I did. Then he asked me to choose one bundle. After I chose the middle section, he proceeded to lay out the cards on the table.

“Oh, you’re reading my fortune – I hope it’s good.”

“Ah no, my sister!” He threw his hands in the air – I was surprised by his evident frustration with me. “The tarot is a tool for revealing your subconscious. The past is
irreversible but things must be learned from it. The future can never be foretold, unless you give someone that power over you and you make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. The power,
your
power, is in the present moment and that is what you need to learn. If you do not realise your true power by the time you leave here, then your journey will not have been completed.”

“Do you mean I manifest my own future from the thoughts and intentions I have today?”

“Yes indeed. Good, you are getting it. You need to have right thoughts, rights words and right actions in the present, then your future will be as bright as possible.” He grinned at
me before returning to examine the cards. “You have been accustomed to luxury and now you feel insecure, yes?” When I nodded, he continued, “A new phase of your life is beginning
yet you are resisting change, afraid to trust?”

“No, I have improved. I am more accepting of change now. I accept that my marriage is over. That was hard in the beginning.”

“Ah, but opportunities are being presented yet you want to stay as you are for the sake of security.” Raúl glanced up at my face, before spreading the cards around and
continuing: “Seven of cups says you must decide to use your talents. There are other cards to suggest new talents. Page of swords: a new creative talent. Ace of pentacles: a new venture could
bring financial reward. ‘Whatever you sow, you shall reap tenfold.’ Kate …” Here he looked up, his eyes intent, “You have always tried to be in control but this has
not worked for you. Why not let go and trust – you see? – like this card.” He pointed to the ‘fool’.

“Because that’s exactly what a fool does. Doesn’t make plans and just saunters along through life.” I fired back. The card depicted the fool ready to walk off a precipice
with merely a knapsack on his back, apparently whistling as he went. Ridiculous.

“No,” he answered me, although I had not spoken. “No. You are wrong. The fool is also wise, and trusting like a child. He knows that when you trust in life and you stop trying
to control everything, the universe and the divine work with you. They cannot work with you if you push them away through doubt and blame. Then you are making yourself a victim as if you are at the
mercy of cosmic forces. You need to see yourself as a co-creator of your life.”

“Are you saying I should simply sit back, do nothing and everything in my life will work out fine?”

“No, I am suggesting you start being true to yourself and follow your heart’s desire rather than force yourself to fit, like – how you say? – a square peg in a round
hole, because this is what you did in the past when you wanted to please people, maybe your parents and your husband. Yes?”

“Oh I get you. Yes, marrying Trevor impressed my parents and offered me financial security.”

“Ah, finally you are beginning to understand. You did not listen to your heart. Me too. I was afraid to trust in my work as a shaman and I spent ten years working in business making a lot
of money. I married a woman because she was pretty and respectable – the wrong reasons to marry. Then one day, she disappeared to Mexico with my child leaving me broke.” He placed his
two hands on his head as though squeezing his skull. “Ah … I had an ulcer and had to start from scratch again. Funny thing, when she was gone I realised I was happy although I had lost
everything. I hope I never do such a thing again.”

“What do these cards mean?” I asked, pointing at four cards to the left.

“Here you have the card of the queen of cups, which means you are a woman men find alluring and mysterious, like a goddess. And because you have had a lot of pain and you have embarked on
healing, others will be aware of your healing energy. Not consciously, but they will be attracted to you for healing. For this reason, you could attract many men but they would be wrong for
you.”

“They all seem to be wrong for me,” I sighed.

“Again you must first follow your gut instinct and then listen to your heart. Next you have the card of the devil which says you must break a dependency before it becomes an addiction. You
are a very driven person, very creative, but this can lead to compulsive behaviour. I have seen you carry around a little black bag with medicines for headaches and all sorts of sickness. Do you
think you have a problem with needing pills?”

I felt my heart pounding as I looked at the image of the devil with horns, cloven feet and a tail. I could barely focus on the image as Raúl’s words sounded like a distant echo. I
rushed to defend my position. “I take a sleeping tablet at night, but not more than one even if it doesn’t work. I can’t sleep without it.”

“You should stop all dependencies as soon as possible. When you are dependent on someone or something you cut yourself off from your own power. Imagine a powerful woman like you enslaved
to a little pill! The problem is that your dependency could increase, so you must conquer this. Yes?” Raúl’s eyes locked with mine. “You know the Qui Gong exercise we did
on the mountain. I want you to do this every night, bringing down the energy from your head to your feet, so that your thoughts slow down. Then you can lie down and do deep breathing. Believe in
this and it will work.”

“Ok, I’ll do that,” I told him earnestly. He had voiced my own fears concerning the sleeping tablets. I had never taken a second one, even when I hadn’t slept for several
consecutive nights, because I knew that could lead down the slippery slope of addiction.

“Now before I tell you the last cards I want you to pull one card from the other pack. These are power animal cards.” He fanned out the other blue pack of cards and I picked one.
“Ah … Like me you are a wolf.” He beamed as he showed me the card with a wolf baying at the moon. “My name means ‘Wolf, the fearless adviser’. I think you were
a shamanic medicine woman in a past life. Maybe this is the reason you like medicines.” He laughed and I joined in. “You see your last cards in the tarot are the moon and the high
priestess, symbols of the Goddess Hekate, the moon goddess. The wolf is associated with the moon and learns a lot of lessons in this life; she in turn can teach others. The wolf can adapt to new
circumstances and outwit her enemies. Is good. But you must remember to stop the blame. You must accept life as it is right now and then you will come into your power.”

“Oh but Hekate is a terrible goddess.” I knew from Greek mythology she was the patroness of witches. Bad enough that my birthday fell on Halloween and I’d been teased for being
a witch, as I was growing up. Yuck! Hekate was even called the crone … an old witch. This is not what I wanted to hear.

“No, she is wonderful. The most integrated goddess, full of wisdom. You will learn Kate. ” He stood up. “But now I must see the others. Tell Maria to come for her
reading.”

I went downstairs to the kitchen where I found James and Maria drinking tea, their overnight back packs stacked against the wall.

“Maria, Raúl wants to see you now.” I walked over to switch on the kettle and throw a bag of coca tea into a cup. I noticed James watching me curiously.

“How was it, Kate?” Maria inquired.

“Interesting and quite empowering. He doesn’t really tell you anything specific because he says the future depends on our own intentions and decisions.”

“He’s most insistent that you realise your own power as a human being. He feels we lose our power when we depend on anything or anyone to fix us,” James said. “I know
that from past experience. By the way, Kate, do you know that coca tea comes from the same leaf as cocaine?”

“Yes, but it doesn’t go through the same chemical process as cocaine, so it’s not addictive.”

“Hmm … It gives a bit of a kick all the same. How many are you drinking a day?”

“Anything up to eight cups with camomile, it’s been brilliant for combating altitude sicknessm…” I suddenly understood what he was saying. “Christ, you’re a
bit late warning me against it now, we’re going home in four days’ time.”

“Just start cutting back to gradually wean off. We won’t be this high up when we go to Arequipa or the Colca Canyon.”

Maria sighed. “I wish I was coming with you. I can’t believe I’m going home tomorrow. I’ll miss you both.”

“I’ll miss you too,” I said. “It’s such a pity you can’t stay the extra few days. But we’ll meet up again in Ireland.”

Back in my room, packing for the next leg of our trip, I fell into deep thought about what the shaman had said. There was no doubt he had been very intuitive and I could finally understand what
he meant about being open to change. I was excited about the prospect that perhaps I would learn to trust and follow my heart’s desire but I knew this was a process, not something which would
happen overnight, since I’d always needed security.

I unzipped my wash bag to take a look at my sleeping tablets. As James had suggested I do with the coca tea, I knew I had to wean myself off the pills. But I felt I couldn’t just stop them
overnight. After all, I had been taking them for the best part of seventeen years, since David’s death. But I’d needed someone to speak firmly to me about them and Raúl had done
a good job of convincing me to stop. Each pill had a little line down the middle so I could cut it in half with a sharp knife. I decided I would alternate between taking a full tablet and a half
tablet every other night. Then after two weeks I would cut down to a half tablet every night and eventually stop altogether. That way, I would be off them completely in six weeks’ time and
I’d probably feel a lot better as a result.