Love Needed (The Love Is Series) (4 page)

"Thank you," he whispered, "I knew you loved me."

She just lay there, letting him hold her. She felt strangely distant from everything and she was fighting her mind going blank. Then she got up, pulled her pants back on and locked herself in the bathroom.

She looked in the mirror and absent-mindedly fixed her hair. She wiped tears that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere off her cheeks. Her face stayed expressionless. Then she cleaned herself up, and went back to the bedroom.

He was standing at the window, looking out, but when he saw her he came to her and hugged her. She hugged him back but it still felt like she wasn't right here, in his arms. It felt like she was still standing on the other side of the room.

He tipped her chin up so he she looked him in the eyes.

"What made you do that for me?"

She was confused. Suddenly she couldn't remember exactly what happened. She tried hard to go through it all, frame by frame, like reviewing an old film. She knew what happened, but at the same time she couldn't remember it at all.

"It means so much to me," he pulled her close to him again and held her tight.

Her head was spinning and she felt sick. She didn't know what was going on anymore. She couldn't remember exactly what happened and it scared her. He loved her to death now, and it felt good, but panic and fear was gnawing at the back of her mind and she was starting to feel sick.

"Come on, I want to show you something."

He took her by the hand and led her out the sliding doors and onto the beach. The wind was tugging softly at her shirt and her hair, and her toes buried into the sand with every step they took. She remembered how much she loved the ocean, old memories riding on the salty wind and carrying everything that didn't matter away.

Ethan was holding her hand and they walked in the damp sand, leaving two rows of foot prints. They walked along the shore in the opposite direction she’d gone that morning, listening to the waves whispering secrets to the wind, and followed the curve around the dunes. They came to a cove where the water was calmer and the wind settled down. Rock walls rose high above them, reaching for the clouds. Their fingers intertwined and Ethan helped her over rocks, holding her safe in his arms when she nearly slipped, and looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. His affections were confusing her. At the back of her mind she felt raw and empty, but he was looking at her the way he was, holding her like she might break, and it felt warm and safe in his arms again. When he kissed her on the cheek it was gentle, and she started doubting if anything was wrong at all. She tried to reach back, to find what was wrong, but every time she tried he would turn to her and there would be so much love that she lost track of it again, and for that moment everything was alright.

They came to a part where the rock wall towered the highest above them. Big boulders were scattered against the foot of it. He led her around one of the biggest ones, and behind it words were carved into the rock. Ethan's name was there, among others names, sayings and signs.

"What are these?"

"These are childhood memories. Every year we used to come here, either with friends or family, and every year we carved something into the rock as a reminder."

He ran his fingers over the letters with his free hand. Then he picked up a sharp rock and started carving. The rock wall seemed to be soft enough to easily carve into it, and it wasn't long before he had his name down. Then he started on hers, and when he was done he carved a heart with an arrow around it.

She smiled. It was something so petty and childish, but it made her feel so special; so part of his future, so part of his past. The last of her worries were tugging at her clothes along with the wind, but when he pulled her into him and kissed her, softly, gently, lovingly, that blew away too.

They went out of dinner that night. He ordered expensive wine and looked into her eyes in a way he's never looked at her before. The wine was sweet and swirling around her thoughts and his dark eyes became more liquid with every sip, making her legs weak. As the night went on the room started swimming, she felt warm and peaceful, and when he took her home, and kissed her in the dark, urgently with his body against hers, she didn't say no to him.

The next morning when Tash woke up the bed was empty on his side again. Her head was pounding with the aftermath of a bottle of wine and her body felt the aftermath of a night under the covers. She sighed. She hated the way he left without waking her to say goodbye. It was supposed to be sweet that he didn't want to wake her but it made her feel abandoned, especially this morning. She took a long shower, trying to wash away the bland feeling that lined the walls of her emotions. In the kitchen he'd left her breakfast, prepared with great care and a note next to it promising he'd be back soon. She smiled, but when she pulled the plate closer she felt sick to her stomach so she had glass of water instead. She looked at the clock. She didn't know how long he'd been gone and he never told her what time he would be back. She started wandering through the house again.

At the end of the passage was a door she hadn't gone in before and when pushed it open, it lead to a messy office. Cabinets against the walls were filled with books and piles of paperwork were stacked on a small desk in the corner. There weren't any pictures against the walls and the carpet under her bare feet felt dusty. A chest on the other side of the desk drew her attention, but when she tried it, it was locked. She started looking around the office, wondering if she could find a key. She pulled the desk drawers open and looked through them, careful not to rummage too much.

In the bottom drawer she found a key. She put it into the lock on the chest, but as she was about to turn it she heard Ethan pull up in front of the house. She put the key back in the drawer and ran across the room, quietly pulling the door closed behind her.

They left before she had a chance alone to get back to open the chest.

Cara called Tash into her office.

"How are things going with the Corview case?"

"They're going well. I have a couple of reports on my desk that I'm about to file."

"That's fine." Cara hesitated, carefully choosing her words, "Tash, I think you need to get out of this."

Natasha looked at her with a blank expression.

"You're emotionally involved. I'm worried you'll shoot yourself in the foot."

"I'm not involved! Who told you to pull me?" Natasha was angry almost immediately.

"No one told me to pull you out; I'm saying this to you as a friend."

"That's ridiculous."

"I'm worried you'll run into trouble Tash. Since you’ve come back you can see from a mile away that this guy is more to you than any job will ever be and you can't afford to go through with this. I want you to give me the reports you did. You've given us enough on this one for Tactics to work with.”

Natasha stood up. "I'm not leaving him."

"You don't have a choice. If you don't cooperate I'll have to report you to Upstairs."

"You wouldn't do that to me!" Natasha went cold. Was she willing to face the Hounds for Ethan? She couldn't stand the idea of having to leave him, and Tactics getting involved in the life she's grown to love. But she was petrified of the Hounds. She stood a little taller.

"I'm doing it as a friend more than a boss Tash; you'll thank me for it when it's all over."

"I hate you for it."

She left the office in a whirl of fury.

She called in sick and avoided the office for the next couple of days. She was furious with Cara, and she spent days locked up in her apartment, trying to find ways to work around it all, fighting with herself about what she was supposed to do, which side she had the courage to choose. She loved Ethan, loved him with all her heart. But she was loyal to Blackwell. It was all she'd known for quite a while.

She was standing looking out over the lake in the same spot Ethan kissed her the first time. It was a crisp morning, with the promise of a warm day but it was stormy in her mind. She tried to weigh out the fear she had for the Hounds and the devotion she felt towards Blackwell against the love she felt for Ethan. Could she live a life without Blackwell? She didn’t know anything else but surely she could work something out. She could find something else to do, even if it didn’t satisfy her as much, if it meant she could have Ethan. She was scared. Leaving the life she’d known for years was one thing but having to face the Hounds again…

“Hey stranger,” a voice said right behind her.

She jumped as it tugged her back to the present. It was Martin. She blinked surprised. She was struck again by his hard features but he grinned at how startled she looked.

“Bit deep in thought there aren’t you?”

“I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Ah, well, your contemplation aside, are you busy or would you like to go grab that coffee we agreed on?”

She smiled. “Coffee sounds great.”

They walked to a nearby bistro and sat down. They made small-talk for a short while but she kept looking absent-mindedly out of the window.

“Am I boring you?” Martin asked after a while.

“No of course not, sorry. I’m just stuck with some decision I have to make.”

“Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes an outsider’s point of view is just the thing.”

She looked at him and hesitated. His green eyes pierced right through her. She started telling him in vague terms about the choices she had to make. He listening attentively and she found it easy to open up to him. Before she knew it she was discussing her deepest feelings for Ethan with him, trying to put in as many words as she could without giving anything away how she felt she couldn’t betray her company, and devouring with complete abandon the advice he had to offer.

Early the next morning she walked into the office. She had it clear in her mind what she was going to do, and how she was going to say it to Cara. The girls were huddled around the coffee machine, whispering, but when she walked past them they fell quiet and looked at her.

When she got to her desk all her belongings were in a box. She stared at it blankly, trying to take it in, when Frank came up to her and touched her elbow.

"Sorry kiddo."

"What's going on?"

"Cara ordered your desk be cleared. She wants to see you."

Natasha walked to Cara's office and pushed open the door without knocking.

"You can't suspend me without a warning."

"I can do whatever I like as soon as I get approval from Upstairs."

"I haven't done anything wrong!"

"You'll be surprised how little we feel for protocol in a world that's largely illegal." Cara didn't even look up from her notes.

"That's it then? You're just kicking me out?"

Cara looked up at her with little expression.

"I'm kicking you out because you can either leave or face the Hounds. After what happened to the last girl they got hold of I'd rather just see you walk out the door."

"You're taking everything away from me. I haven’t even had a chance to defend myself!"

"You made a choice Natasha. What I've done is save your sorry ass from the Hounds and a series of events that would give you nightmares for the rest of your life. You know very little of what goes on around here. You need to trust me on this, keep your head down and walk out that door without making a fuss."

"But--"

"That will be all. Goodbye Tash."

Her jaw dropped. She couldn't believe what was happening. She had it all planned out in her mind and now the words she would never have a chance to say fell like dead birds on the floor between them.

She walked out of the office in a daze. At her desk she collected her things, and when she turned to sweep a look across the office one last time tears welled up in her eyes and her last steps out the door happened in a blur of emotions that she couldn't control anymore.

She went straight to Ethan. By the time she got to his door she'd managed to pull herself together a bit. He looked startled to see her when he opened the door, and when she threw herself into his arms, hoping to find the comfort she needed, he didn't hold her as tight as fshe'd hoped for.

He invited her inside and gave her tea. He was distant though, strangely detached from everything, and for a second she was scared that somehow he knew what had just happened, knew somehow about Blackwell and how he fit into the picture. He was avoiding eye contact with her.

"Ethan?"

He looked up at her, but averted his eyes almost immediately again.

"What's wrong?” she was getting worried. Would he forgive her if he understood what she just sacrificed for him?

"There's something I need to talk to you about Tash," his voice was soft and raspy, and he looked like he would rather be anywhere but there.

"What is it?"

"I slept with someone."

Natasha looked at him. She ran what he just said through her mind again and again, but no matter which way she looked at it, there was only one way to interpret it.

She shook her head, trying to make her thoughts fall into place.

"You slept with someone. You mean, like, someone else?"

"Yes. I slept with someone else."

"Someone that's not me."

"Yes Tash! Why are you making me saying it over and over again, this is hard enough for me as it is!"

"I'm just trying to make sense of what you're saying to me. I'm sitting on your couch and you're telling me you slept with someone. Who isn't me? Who isn't your girlfriend. Just help me out with facts here."

Her ears were ringing as she struggled to take in what he was saying to her.

"I'm sorry." he said and tears welled up in his eyes. She sat back, suddenly very confused. She'd never seen men cry before and it was strange.

They sat in silence for a while. She felt numb; It was all too much. He turned to her and took both her hands in his. "I don't know what came over me. I never wanted to hurt you, and I wasn't going to tell you, but I couldn't stand it anymore, you're everything I've ever wanted and I've gone and messed it up."