Love, Like Water (35 page)

“I’m fine. It’s not like I’d wind up back on the heroin or anything. And even if there was an outside chance I did, I think I’ve proven I can function despite it.” Joshua felt sweat starting to bead on his neck. “This assignment would prove that I’m still a good agent, that the Bureau could rely on me….”

“The Bureau does and will continue to rely on you, Joshua. You’re a fine analyst. But the fact is that you are not ready to return to field agent status. Your PTSD is unresolved. You’re less than a year out of a heroin addiction, and you’ve admitted you’re still craving it. You have nightmares. You suffer from intense guilt over the killing of the Santiago girl. Your physical health is improved, but your response times in some of the tests were not up to your usual from prior to the Chicago assignment. And I am not going to be the one to put you in a situation where your health—mental or physical—will be a detriment to the operation. Other agents will be relying on you. Do you honestly believe that you would be the only one impacted if you fail?”

Vasquez leaned forward, steepling his fingers. “I don’t think you should use the Bureau as your method of suicide, Joshua, and if I sent you in there in your condition, that’s exactly what it would be. You are neither mentally nor physically prepared to handle an assignment like the one you had in Chicago. The only reason Robinson didn’t pull you out of there months ago was because you were so deeply embedded. There were other agents whose safety depended on you, and you were coping. But he admitted to me this afternoon that he didn’t expect that you would make it out of there alive.”

Joshua felt numb. He stared at the other man, but he was seeing Bill Robinson, his face white and tense as he led Joshua in handcuffs out of the police station where he’d been taken. Robinson hadn’t relaxed until they were in the car and driving away; then he’d sat and shaken for a good fifteen minutes. It was only afterward that he’d been able to talk to Joshua and explain where they were going. “He didn’t.” It wasn’t a question.

“No. And he was pretty upset at the idea of you going back into a similar situation. We’re not chickenshit, Joshua. We put people in harm’s way all the time—it comes with the territory. But we are always,
always
careful that we do so in such a way that the outcome is the best possible one, that the end will always justify the means, as much as possible. Yes, it would be helpful to have someone in the position you’re suggesting. But you are not the right person. Not now. Maybe not ever, but definitely not now.”

“So what happens now?”

“We still need you as an analyst. If you feel you can’t work with us, that’s your choice. I know you’re not thrilled with desk work, but that’s where I think you can best perform. Your mission in Chicago was a brilliant success, there’s no doubt about it. But people died who shouldn’t have died, and the damage it did to you was….” Vasquez shook his head. “I don’t know what to say. I’m not speaking now as head of this office. I’m speaking as a human being. I want you to stay on as an analyst. But you have to know that I will not use you in the field for the foreseeable future. So the choice is up to you.”

Joshua let the words sink in, trying to decide how he felt, but Vasquez wasn’t finished. This time when he spoke, his voice was hard and stern. “The other thing Bill Robinson said—and McBride confirmed—was that you’re an independent thinker. That’s a good thing—but if you have
any
idea of taking this on by yourself, I will personally kick your ass from here to Santa Fe. You are not to involve yourself in this operation in any way, shape or form, outside of the roles that
I
assign you.
Comprendes, muchacho
?”

“
Comprendo
,” Joshua acknowledged.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t thought about it. Even as Vasquez had been talking, his mind had been ticking over options. But the tone of Vasquez’s last statement struck a chord, and he hesitated, wondering why the voice sounded so familiar….

And then he remembered Eli’s voice, just as hard and stern as Vasquez’s had been—
“Don’t you ever walk away from me when I ain’t done with you, Josh….”
—and realized that he wanted that. Needed that firmness. Needed the feeling of someone looking out for him, someone he could rely on to rein him in when he needed it. Vasquez was only his boss. But Eli….

Eli was his
everything
.

“We aren’t going to disregard this.” Vasquez put his hand on the folder Joshua had brought in. “It’s good intel, and we’re going to use it. Anything else you can give us, too. We don’t disdain your competence, Joshua. You’re a valuable member of the team. But like all of us, you have limits.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Go back to work, Josh. And think about what you want out of this, all right?”

“Sir.” Joshua nodded, and got up.

He did have a lot to think about.

Chapter 33

E
VEN
with the brace on his left arm, Eli managed to rope one of the colts as it came barreling out of the canyon. Jesse got a second rope around the colt’s rear leg and between the two of them, they muscled it into the trailer. Ramon and Dennis got the second colt. He felt bad for them—they were obviously terrified, and their pathetic cries were heartbreaking. But they did draw their mamas close enough to the trailer, so when Dennis pulled away at a slow pace, the mamas kept up with them, and the rest of the herd followed behind. All the other cowboys had to do was keep pace behind and around the handful of mares, to discourage wandering off.

Eli rode with Dennis in the trailer. He was getting better, but still had issues with his leg when in the saddle too long. It irked the hell out of him, but his physical therapist had assured him that if he kept up with the exercises he’d been given, the pain would eventually go away.

“You doing okay?” Dennis asked.

“Yep.”

“Tuck said you might have some issues with sitting so long in the truck.”

“Tuck’s an old woman. Of course, if he got the springs fixed on this critter, it’d be a helluva lot more comfortable for both of us.”

Dennis laughed. “Yeah, I hear that. They’re on the list—they’re just not bad enough yet to worry about.” After a few minutes of relative silence (the colts were still neighing and whickering, and their mamas answering anxiously) he added, “You ever talk to Tuck’s nephew these days?”

“No,” Eli said shortly.

Dennis, wisely, said nothing else. Eli went back to staring out at the side mirror, watching the riders as they paced the mares behind the truck.

Which was why he was the first to see Tucker, riding up beside the trailer, suddenly slump in his saddle. “Stop!” he snapped at Dennis and was out of the truck before it stopped moving. He ran back to where Tuck had halted his mount, and reached up to grab the rancher’s arm. “Tuck!”

“I’m okay,” Tucker gritted out, his free hand clenching on the saddle horn. “Just came over funny.”

“You’re all gray. Shit, Tuck, you having a heart attack?”

“No, no. I think I et something that didn’t agree with me this morning.”

“You ate the same thing you always eat.”

“Maybe the heat.”

“It ain’t that hot.”

“Jesus H. Christ, Eli, you’d argue with the devil hisself if you had the chance. I just don’t feel good, okay? Don’t fucking argue with me. I ain’t got chest pains, I ain’t got no arm pain, I just feel sick. Maybe I’m getting the flu.”

“Get in the truck. You ride with Dennis. I’ll take Mary Sue. We’re better than halfway home now anyway.”

“I can ride….”

“You’re practically falling off that horse, Tucker!”

“Jesus, you’re bossy. No wonder Josh ran away.”

Eli stared up at his boss, shocked at the statement. Had that been it? Had he been so bossy, so opinionated, that Joshua had felt the need to run? Something in his face must have registered with Tuck, even through his discomfort, because he said quickly, “Shit, boy, I didn’t mean that. I ain’t got a clue what was in his head. Shit. I’m sorry.” He leaned forward and slid off the horse. “Go on. You need help getting up?”

“The day I need help getting on a horse is the day you put me out to pasture. Get in the fucking truck, Tucker.” Eli swung into the saddle and rode behind as Tucker walked unsteadily to the cab and climbed in. Through the open window, Eli told Dennis, “Turn on the air conditioning and drive as fast as the springs will let you. We’ll keep up.”

“What’s the matter?” Dennis asked in concern.

“Tuck’s sick. I think he’s having—”

“I ain’t having a heart attack!” Tucker roared.

“I
T
’
S
what we call a non-ST elevation myocardial infarction,” Jack said.

Tucker turned and glared at Eli. “I
told
you I didn’t have a heart attack.”

“Actually,” Jack’s voice was amused, “that’s exactly what you had. A very mild one, luckily for you. We’ll still need to do more tests, but the fact that the damage isn’t showing up on the EKG is a good sign.”

“Then how do you know it’s a non-estivation mardial whatever?”

“Non-ST elevation myocardial infarction. There are certain chemicals that show in your blood work that are markers for this type of MI, and that’s what they’re saying. We’re going to do an echocardiogram—that’s an ultrasound of your heart—and that should tell us where the damage is and how extensive. But the fact that you were feeling better so quickly after the event makes me think that the damage was probably minimal. That doesn’t mean,” Jack fixed Tucker with a stern eye, “that
you’re
going to get off easy.”

Tucker picked irritably at the hospital gown he wore. “Yeah, yeah. How soon can I get out of here?”

“Probably not ’til tomorrow at the earliest. We still have tests to run, and I want to keep you under observation, to make sure you’re not fixing to have another one anytime soon.” Jack looked at Eli. “How did you get this stubborn cuss into the hospital in the first place?”

“He cheated.”

Eli grinned. “I rode ahead and told Sarafina. By the time Dennis pulled up with Tuck in the trailer, she had the Forester running. Tuck didn’t stand a chance. I followed her in my truck.”

“Nagged me the whole way into town,” Tuck muttered.

“She still here?”

“No, once they took Tuck away and assured her he wasn’t going to die immediately, she headed back to the ranch. Not good at waiting, our Sara, so she told me to stay here and she’d go home and let the hands know what was going on. I think she was planning on baking—she usually does that when she’s upset.”

“Well, considering that you’re going to have to start watching your diet, I’m sorry Sarafina left. She’s going to have to learn new ways of cooking.”

“Nothing wrong with my diet.”

“He has bacon and eggs for breakfast every day.”

“Traitor!”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Well,
that’s
going to have to change.”

The nurse came in, accompanied by a beefy orderly. “They’re ready for him down in ultrasound,” she told Jack. Jack nodded, and ushered Eli out of the room to make room for them to move Tuck’s cart out. Tuck gave Eli the stink-eye as he went past.

Eli only grinned at him, but as soon as the gurney had vanished down the hall, he slumped back against the wall and rubbed his face tiredly. “Is he really going to be okay?” he asked Jack.

“Well, he’s in good physical shape, gets lots of exercise, isn’t diabetic or anything, so if he improves his diet and keeps his stress levels manageable, yeah, he’ll be okay. He’ll still be at risk, of course, but he’s got a lot of factors on his side. Does he still smoke?”

“No. He quit when Sarafina came back with Jesse as a baby—said he didn’t want to mess up the baby’s lungs.”

“Then he’s got that on his side as well. He’s been under any stress lately?”

“Yeah. Part of that’s my fault—getting hurt like I did….”

“Yeah, because you got hurt on purpose. Go on.”

“And worrying about Joshua. I know he’s working with the bank to get the loan to buy the rest of the Rocking J, too. Money always stresses him out.”

“Hm. Well, he needs to take it easy with that kind of stuff. I thought that Joshua was supposed to be picking up on the business end.”

“He left the ranch a couple weeks ago. Tuck says he’s gone back to the FBI.”

Something in his voice or phrasing caught Jack’s attention. “‘Tuck says’?” Jack echoed. “You don’t know?”

Eli shook his head. “He ain’t answering my texts or e-mails or phone calls,” he admitted. “I figured… shit, I just gave up. If he wants to call me, he has my number.”

“Ah,” Jack said. “That’s why you accepted my invitation to dinner.”

“No, I…. Shit. Yeah. I guess. I mean… damn it, Jack. I do like you. It’s just that….”

“Joshua. Yeah,” Jack said ruefully. “I kind of picked that up when he was here in the hospital before.” He put his hand on Eli’s shoulder and regarded him intently. “Just tell me this, Eli—if it really doesn’t work out with Joshua, is there a chance for me?”

Eli sighed, and covered Jack’s hand with his. “I don’t know,” he said. “I just don’t know.”