Love Lessons (15 page)

The rigidity of his stance collapsed, and he sank back against the front of his desk right behind him. He gripped its edge. “What if Tracy wants to take Jana? Wants joint custody? What if this visit is leading up to that?”

“Is that what you're really afraid of—losing Jana?”

He blew a breath out and nodded. “The courts seem to favor mothers over fathers, especially where a daughter is concerned.”

“You have full custody of her now?” She'd never asked that question, just assumed.

“Yes. Tracy didn't want it.”

“I know weird things can happen, but I don't think you need to worry. You've been there for Jana for seventeen months. You didn't leave her. That's got to count for something. And besides, Jana will never forget that. She loves you.”

“I know, but—”

“Don't worry about something that probably won't ever happen. It's wasted energy.”

“That's easy to say. You aren't a parent.”

She really tried not to let his words hurt her. He was right. She wasn't a mother, but she knew what worrying did to a person. As a teen she'd lived a life of worry. “You're right. I'm not, but I care deeply for Jana.”
And you.
But she would never share that with him. “Talk to Tracy. Find out what's going on before you let this worry eat you up. And pray for guidance.”

Before Ian could reply, the phone cut into the silence. He jerked around and snatched up the receiver, a frown descending over his features. “Hello.” There was a long pause then he said, “A movie? When will you be home?” His scowl deepened. “Fine. I'll see you at ten-thirty then.” When he hung up, his hand lingered on the phone as he stared down at the desk.

“Jana's going to the movies with her mother?”

“Yeah.”

“How did she sound?”

“Okay. She's been wanting to see this movie and said something to Tracy. That's when her mother thought it would be fun to see it together.”

“And you don't like it?”

He lifted his head and stabbed her with a razor-sharp look. “No, I'd wanted to take her to see it after the fifteenth, when I had more time.”

“There will be other movies.” After she spoke, she realized how hollow those words sounded to a man hurting and struggling with his emotions concerning his ex-wife who had deserted him. “Tell you what, why don't I fix us something for dinner while you get some of the work you need to do finished. I'll come get you when I've got it prepared. Okay?”

A war of conflicting feelings—anger, sadness and resignation—paraded across his features. Finally resignation won out. “Fine.”

Alexa left Ian as he sat behind his desk. While she closed the door to the office, she peeked in and glimpsed him scrubbing his hands down his face as though trying to keep himself alert after many sleepless nights. In that moment she wanted more than anything for him to love her, but she knew it wasn't going to happen, that she needed to move on, think about her dream and her future. She would call the Christian Teachers International Organization on Monday and accept the scholarship.

“D
id you have a nice time at the Tallgrass Prairie Preserve?” Ian asked as he let Jana and Tracy into the house late Saturday afternoon.

“Yeah, I saw several buffalo calves. They were so cute.” Jana's cheeks were rosy from too much sun.

Didn't Tracy see their daughter needed some sun-screen? Ian gritted his teeth to keep his criticism to himself. His ex-wife was leaving tomorrow morning, and he couldn't be happier. He hated this disruption to their life. Jana and he were doing just fine before she'd come back as though nothing happened. Probably not even aware of what their daughter had really gone through with her leaving.

Sugar bounded into the foyer, tail wagging as she leaped up and down. Jana scooped her pet up into her arms. “I'd better go feed her. Will ya stay a little while, Mom?”

“I need to talk to your father then I'll come find you. Okay?”

Jana glanced from him to her mother. “Yeah.” His daughter's gaze lit upon him again, and she hesitated, but
Sugar wiggled so much in her arms she released her dog and quickly hurried after the yelping animal.

“What do you want?” Ian brought his attention back to Tracy.

“Let's talk somewhere private.”

That didn't bode well. A tightening in his gut increased its grip as he strode toward his office and gestured for Tracy to go inside first. Why did he feel as if he was walking to his doom? He closed the door, faced the woman who had betrayed him and waited for her to say something.

She scanned the room. “This has a more lived-in look than your office where you worked downtown.”

He stiffened. “Is that what you wanted to point out, the difference in the decor of my two offices?”

“No, not really. Just an observation.” She sauntered to the couch and sat. “Please have a seat. It's been a long day, and we did a lot of walking. I would have preferred to go shopping, but oh, well.” After sliding to one end, she patted the cushion. “You haven't loosened up a bit this past year, have you? Sit.”

A thought invaded Ian's mind. Tracy sounded like Jana teaching Sugar a dog trick. The implication raised the heat in his blood. He remained standing. “I've been sitting all day. I'm fine just like this.”

“Suit yourself. You always have.”

“If all we're going to do is exchange barbs, I think this conversation is at an end.” He started for the door.

“I want Jana to come visit me this summer in Arizona.”

Halting in midstride, he closed his eyes, trying to picture anything that would calm his rapidly skyrocketing temper. An image of Alexa popped into his mind. For a few seconds her smile filled him with serenity.

“Ian, did you hear me?”

Tracy's grating tone scraped down his spine, and he went rigid as he pivoted toward her. “Excuse me.”

“I want Jana to visit me. We can go see some of the sights around there. I know she'd love the Grand Canyon.”

“You know? How? You haven't spent much time with her.”

“I want to change that. People can do that even if you haven't. You're the same rigid man I married twelve years ago and thought I could change.”

Her comment made him vividly aware of his stiff stance that supported exactly what she'd said. He forced himself to relax his posture although he couldn't unfurl his hands.

“You never wanted to do anything fun. All you did was work. I poured my heart into decorating this house, and you hardly said a word. And when you did have time, you wanted to spend it all as a family.”

“I was trying to earn a living to support your decorating trips to Dallas and Kansas City with your friends.”

She held up her hand. “I didn't come here to discuss our past. It's over. I've come to the conclusion you can't change any man.” A frown twisted her mouth.

“A woman can change, but a man can't?”

“Exactly.”

“Why did you come back after all this time?”

“To see my daughter.”

“Why didn't you before now?”

“I—I…” Tracy peered away, biting her lower lip. “Jana and I talked today, and I'm gonna do better. I was wrong not to. I was trying to make my new marriage work. It required all my time and energy.”

“It isn't working?”

“No. Sam is okay, and I know he loves me—” she threw
him a pointed look “—which is more than I could have said for you, but I don't think I'm meant to be married.”

“Have you told Sam?” Strangely, he should feel vindicated and elated at what was happening to Tracy. He didn't, which surprised him.

“No, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to work at my marriage. That's one of the reasons we took this cross-country trip.”

“Why didn't you work at our marriage? You never talked to me about what you were really feeling.”

“Feelings? Do you have any?”

He ground his teeth together. If the pain he'd experienced was any indication, his emotions were alive and well.

“You're so reserved. Everything had a place, even me.”

All he wanted was to end this conversation. “Jana has had a hard time since you left. Did you even know your daughter is seeing a therapist? I'm not uprooting her and sending her halfway across the country to visit you. You're free to come here if you want.” And he meant that, which was another surprise to him. He continued his trek to the door and thrust it open, relishing the fresh air that seemed to rush into the heated atmosphere in his office. “Just give me notice. Good night, Tracy.”

Glaring at him, she shot to her feet. “Do we have to go back to court?”

“Do what you feel you need to.” He stared straight ahead.
I refuse to worry about it anymore. I will deal with it when or if it happens. Alexa's right. I can't control her actions.

Tracy walked to him. “Look, I'll admit I handled our situation all wrong. I know that. I've already admitted I should have contacted Jana more often, but—”

“Sending her a present on special occasions isn't really
contact, Tracy. She needed to hear your voice. She needed to understand why you abandoned her.”

“Abandoned her? I left her in your care while I tried to figure out what I wanted in life. I was a mess to be around. She didn't need to see that.”

He raised one brow. “And did you figure it out as you rushed into another marriage?”

“I'm working on it.” Tears gleamed in her eyes.

“Oh, don't you dare start crying and think that's going to control me.”

“I never thought I could control you. You do such a good job of that yourself.”

Control? He had little of that. This visit hammered home that fact.

Ian glanced down the hallway, heard his daughter in the kitchen and stepped back into the office, closing the door so she wouldn't hear their conversation, which obviously wasn't over. “Yes, you thought you could control me. I went to work for that big accounting firm downtown that you just complained I worked for all the time. I did it because you wanted me to when I wanted to open my own office. Maybe I wouldn't have made as much money, but I would have been able to spend more time with you and Jana.”

“Jana! You were always thinking about her.”

“She's our daughter. Why wouldn't I? We were a family.”

“I wanted some of that time.” She pointed to herself. “I needed to feel like I was the most important person in your life.”

“This wasn't a competition between you and Jana. I loved you two equally.” In that moment he realized he didn't love Tracy anymore—hadn't in over a year. That his anger had come from what had happened to Jana and the fact he hadn't been able to control anything that occurred concerning Tracy.

Tracy's mouth pinched together. She reached for the door. “It wasn't enough. I want to see Jana more. Don't make this difficult for everyone.”

Tracy stalked toward the den. Ian hurried after her, afraid of what his ex-wife would do or say to Jana.

Lord, I need Your help. What am I supposed to do?

Stopping inside the entrance, Tracy plastered a huge smile on her face. “Honey, I wanted to give you another hug before I leave.”

Jana tossed a small ball for Sugar, then rose from the floor and headed for her mother. “I had fun today. Thanks, Mom.”

Tracy took Jana into her arms and planted a kiss on the top of her daughter's head. “I'll call you when I get back home. I want us to spend more time together in Phoenix. I'm hoping your dad—” she tossed a piercing glance at Ian “—will allow it.”

Ian tensed, wishing he'd never let the woman into the house. This day couldn't get any worse.

“Dad?” Jana turned toward him.

“We'll talk about it later,” was all he could think of to say to his daughter, whose eyes searched his face with accusation in them.

“We can have such fun when you come.” His ex-wife gave Jana another quick hug, clasped Jana's hand and strode toward the foyer with his daughter.

After months of working to get Jana in a place where she could heal, was all that going to be destroyed with one visit from Tracy? Ian shook the question from his mind and quickly trailed after the pair.

Lord, where are You?

At the front door Tracy placed her hands on Jana's shoulders. “I'm thinking the first of June. It'll be hot but not as bad as July and August. We have a pool, so you can
swim when we aren't going places.” After a kiss on his daughter's cheek, Tracy left.

Left him to face Jana.

Left him to explain why he didn't want his daughter to fly by herself to Phoenix and see Tracy. What if she never returned to Tallgrass? What if she preferred living with her mom and stepfather? Panic attacked his insides, twisting his gut into a huge knot. It was all he could do to remain in the entry hall. Tracy had abandoned him without giving him a chance to fix things, and now even Alexa would be leaving after she graduated in December. He couldn't deal with his daughter leaving, too.

Please, Lord, help me. What do I do?

“Dad, are you all right?”

Jana's question, spoken with concern not anger, reined in his spiraling panic. “No. I—I don't want you to go in June.”

“Why?”

It's too soon. You have so much more healing to do. I don't want to lose you.

“We need to talk with your therapist about this. I'm not sure it's a good idea after the past year. I'll go with you to your next session and see what she thinks.” It was a copout, but he didn't know what else to do. “Did you really have a good time?”

Jana looked at him for a long moment. “Yes, but I would rather have gone with you and Alexa. Maybe we can go back after the fifteenth. I know that Alexa would love the fields of wildflowers. One reminded me of a skirt she wears a lot.”

The image flashed into his mind of Alexa in the skirt that his daughter was talking about. A smile graced Alexa's lips. A twinkle danced in her eyes. His heart slowed to a throb. After this encounter with Tracy, he knew that he
couldn't commit to anyone else until he figured out the mess his life had become. The fury he'd felt today had consumed him, taking all his peace and contentment and destroying it. He couldn't keep going on like this.

Was it as simple as Alexa said? Forgive Tracy—let go of the hurt and hate that controlled his life? In that moment he felt his life was out of his control, crumbling piece by piece and shattering all around him.

“Daddy, I love you.” Jana threw her arms around him.

He relished the hug from his daughter and her words. “I love you, pumpkin.”

The sound of the phone echoed through the house. “I'll get this in my office.” If it was Tracy wanting to talk some more about Jana visiting her, he didn't want his daughter overhearing the conversation.

On the fifth ring he grabbed the receiver on his desk. “Hello.”

“How did everything go today with Jana and her mother?”

Hearing the soft lilt of Alexa's voice soothed him. He sank into his chair. He closed his eyes and relished the connection with her, if only for a brief time. “She had a good time, but Tracy stayed to talk to me about Jana visiting her in June in Arizona.”

“Did you agree?”

“No. I don't want her to go.”

“Does Jana know about the invitation?”

“Yes. Her mother made sure of that.” A bitter taste coated his tongue.

“How does Jana feel about going?”

Ian's clasp tightened around the phone. “I think she'd like to. I don't think she wants to disappoint her mother. Too bad Tracy didn't think about her daughter like that.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Alexa, I don't know. I told Jana I would talk with her therapist about this, but I don't want her to go.”

“What are you afraid will happen?”

Afraid? His thoughts came to a grinding halt.

“Ian?”

“I'm still here.” He sucked in a breath. “Losing Jana.”

“You won't. She loves you. Do you want me to come over? We can talk this through if you need a sounding board.”

“No.” He bit the word out through clenched teeth. He couldn't deal with seeing her beautiful face right now.
I love you, Alexa.
And for that reason he didn't want her to see him grappling with his whole life, trying to find a solution to his problems and get his life back on track.

“Okay, I'll see you two at church tomorrow.”

“We won't be there. Tracy is coming by for breakfast with Jana tomorrow before she and her husband head out of town.” It had been set up before the bombshell from Tracy, or he would never have agreed to Tracy coming over tomorrow morning. “Jana wants to fix it. Show her mom what she's learned from you.”

“Then I'll be at your house Monday morning bright and early.”

When he hung up, he clutched the arms of his chair and stared straight ahead.
Lord, if You have a solution, please clue me in. I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore.