Love Lessons (14 page)

Lord, please be with Jana and Ian during this visit. Help both of them deal with their emotions concerning Tracy.

“Alexa, I want you to meet my mom,” Jana said as she hugged a beautiful woman who looked like an older version of her.

Alexa stepped forward with her hand extended. “It's nice to meet you.”

“Jana has told me you're tutoring her.”

Although it wasn't a question, Alexa said, “Yes.” Her mouth went dry at Tracy's assessing perusal. “Until tax season's over.” She peered behind the woman and caught
sight of Ian hanging back by the doorway into the kitchen, an unreadable expression on his face, his countenance of late.

“You mean when Ian decides to rejoin the living.” Tracy's mouth pinched into a frown as she spun toward him. “In fact, I'm sure you have work to do right now. Don't let us keep you from it.”

He lounged against the door frame with his arms folded over his chest. “Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about me.” Although daggers didn't fly from his eyes, his voice held them.

Tracy stiffened, glared at him then rotated back to Jana. “Where's that dog of yours? Sugar?”

“I put her in my bedroom. I know you don't like pets.”

“It's not that I don't like them, but I have an allergy to dog and cat fur.” Tracy took Jana's hand. “Show me that fairy tale you wrote.” She led her daughter toward the den.

Alexa watched them a few seconds until they disappeared into the other room, then she looked back at Ian, who remained by the entrance, all the nonchalance gone from his posture, his expression not unreadable now. She saw a man hurting. She crossed to him. “I'm here if you need to talk.”

“I feel like…” He pressed his lips together.

“Like what?”

“Nothing. It's not important. I'll be in my office.” He pivoted and strode away.

The urge to go after him and take him into her arms deluged Alexa as though hundreds of gallons of water drenched her. She took several steps toward him. As if sensing her behind him, he halted and peered over his shoulder.

“I'll be all right once she's gone.”

His tone dismissed any help she might offer, and he continued the trek to his office. The sound of the door closing reinforced how easy it was for him to shut her out. Like
her father had done for years. But not anymore. Could she break through Ian's defenses?

If he didn't want her help, then she could at least be here for Jana if she needed her. Alexa went back into the kitchen and decided to prepare something for dinner. She had to do something to keep herself busy while she listened to the chattering between Jana and her mother coming from the den.

 

Later that day, Alexa sat on Jana's bed as the young girl twirled around and held out the flowing material of her skirt. “You look beautiful in the new outfit your mother gave you. How do you feel about going to dinner with your mother and stepfather?”

Ian's daughter crunched her forehead. “I don't know. She wants to spend as much time with me as possible before she leaves on Sunday.” She averted her gaze for a long moment. “But I never thought of her husband as my stepfather. I only have one dad.”

“I agree and he does a great job.” Even though he was stressed with the situation at the moment.

“I'm glad you stayed. He may need someone to talk to after I leave.”

The child's concern for Ian touched Alexa deeply. In a lot of ways she was much older than her eleven years, especially with what she had gone through the past year. “I'll try to help any way I can.” She could remember when Ian talked with her concerning her father. She wanted to return the favor, if he would allow her. But this was the first time he'd come face-to-face with his ex-wife since she left, and he was struggling with having any kind of closure. Would she be a help or a hindrance?

Jana placed her hand over her stomach. “I have butterflies.”

“You're only a phone call away. And you all are going
to the restaurant at the inn. You like that place. You've been doing so good going places, even without your dad.”

“And this is important. Then tomorrow Mom said we're going shopping. She loves to shop.”

“Do you?”

Jana thought about it for a long moment. “No.”

“Have you told your mother you'd rather do something else while she's here?”

“No. She's different. I'm not sure she's happy. Oh, she laughs and talks a lot, but something's wrong. I don't want to upset her.”

“It's okay to express your wants. She's here for you. She came to Tallgrass because of you, remember that.”

“Yeah, you're right. She promised me today to call more often, but I'm gonna try not to count on it.”

“Why?” Alexa rose.

“Because I don't like how I feel when I get let down. I get so sad then angry at my mom. Do you think she left because of me?”

“No. You had nothing to do with it.”

“I don't like being angry at her, because I'm afraid she won't call again or see me, but she hurt me.” Tears misted in Jana's eyes.

“Honey, anytime you want to talk I'm here to listen. I had those same feelings with my dad.”

Jana sucked in a shuddering breath. “What did you do?”

“Prayed a lot and worked to forgive him. Your mother wouldn't have come to see you if she didn't care.”

“My counselor's been helping me to learn to count on myself.”

“And the Lord.”

“Yes, He's always here.” Jana covered the space between them and hugged Alexa. “I love you, Alexa.”

Her heart swelled, and her own love clogged her throat. “I love you, too. You're such a special young lady. Anyone would be proud to call you their daughter.”

“I wish that you'd—” Jana snapped her mouth closed.

Alexa stepped back. “What?”

“Oh, nothing.” The child grinned. “I think I'll wait on the front porch. She should be here any minute.”

The doorbell rang as Jana left her bedroom. Alexa followed her to the foyer while Ian came out of his office.

The desolate look in his eyes vanished when he saw Jana. “Are you ready, pumpkin?”

His daughter nodded.

“If you need me, just call. I can be there in ten minutes. Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes. I'm gonna be fine, Dad. Don't worry about me.” Jana pointedly peered at Alexa as Ian swung the front door open.

Tracy smiled at Jana. “That outfit looks great on you. We'll have to get some more like that tomorrow.”

Jana slid her glance again toward Alexa for a few seconds then back to her mother. “I've been thinking about that. Can we do something else besides shopping?”

Tracy frowned. “Like what?”

“I haven't been to the Tallgrass Prairie Preserve lately. We could have a picnic there.”

“Let's go. We've got a reservation at six-thirty. We'll talk about it at dinner.” Tracy held out her hand.

Jana's huge gaze latched on to her father's for a long moment before she fit her quivering hand into her mother's. Jana was taking a big step tonight. Meeting outside the home with the person who had brought all her fears to the foreground. All Alexa wanted to do was wrap her arms around the young girl and tell her she loved her.

“You've got my cell phone.” Ian kissed his daughter's cheek, a nerve twitching above his jaw.

Jana waved to her father as she walked beside her mother to the car waiting in the driveway. Ian stood on the porch, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his slacks. The stiff set to his shoulders and back underscored his tension. When the car disappeared from view, he turned to go into the house.

The bleakness he'd masked earlier took over his expression as his gaze fastened to Alexa's. “You don't have to stay.”

“I promised Jana I would.”

“I knew it. She's worried about being gone with her mother.”

“Not exactly. Although I think she's a little anxious, she's mainly concerned about you.”

“Why? I'm not the one who stopped going out because of her anxiety.”

But you haven't moved on yet.
“She thinks her mother leaving you all has affected you, too. Maybe even worse.”

“Nonsense.” Ian waved off her apprehension as he shut the front door. “I'm fine.”

“Are you?”

He started to say something, but Alexa held up her hand to stop the words. “Think about what you've been feeling since you found out Tracy was coming to see Jana before you give me your stock answer that you're okay.”

In three strides he closed the space between them. “What if my
stock
answer is right?”

“Is it?”

“It—it—” He jerked away and stalked toward his office.

Alexa followed. In the past month her dreams had been filled with pictures of her, Ian and Jana as a family, but she knew it was impossible. Ian was still in love with his wife. Anger and hate could be a mask to cover up his sup
pressed love. They had been married for over ten years. “So, it isn't right? You having some problems with Tracy being here?”

He whirled around in the middle of the room, his hands fisted at his sides. “You bet I am.”

The lethally quiet words hung in the air between them, charging it with his intensity. His eyes narrowed on her face, but she kept her gaze unwavering. Her chin went up a notch.

“At least you're now admitting what I've known and obviously your daughter has for the past few weeks. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Why do women always want to talk about their feelings? No, I don't want to talk. I want to forget Tracy even existed.”

Do you really?
Alexa took a step closer to Ian. “Why?”

“Why! How can you ask that? She walked out on me and Jana. How can a mother do that to her child? I can understand abandoning a husband—me—” he thumped his chest “—but she practically ignored her daughter for over a year.” All pretenses faded from his posture, expression, tone of voice, to be replaced with his anger, directed at his ex-wife. “And now she's waltzing back into Jana's life like nothing is different and wants to pick up as though the past seventeen months didn't happen.”

“You're worried Jana won't be able to handle this visit—or is it more about you not being able to handle Tracy's reappearance?”

Ian flexed his hands, then curled them into a tight ball, his knuckles whitening. “When she walked out, she gave up certain rights.”

“Like what? The right to hurt you anymore?”

A storm brewed in the depths of his blue eyes. “How about Jana? Tracy says she'll call and talk to Jana every
week now, but what happens when she grows tired of doing that? I'm the one who'll be left to pick up the pieces.”

“Give your daughter some credit. We talked. She understands her mother better now than you think, and when she doesn't, she has you.”

“Doesn't stop the hurt.”

“Again, for her or you?”

“I'm past the hurt. I'm angry at her for what she did to my daughter. Forget about me.”

It would be easier if she could forget about him, but she couldn't. Alexa moved even closer, although his anger blasted the short space between them. “But you are tied up in this. This anger is controlling you. For a person who has desperately tried to control his life, you're letting your ex-wife run it.”

“I am not…” He swallowed the rest of the sentence, glanced away for a moment before reestablishing eye contact with Alexa. The look bore into her.

“Forgive her. Let your anger go. If you don't, she will always be in control. Is that what you really want?”

“She betrayed me. Had an affair. Left without a word. Had little to do with Jana for over a year until now.”

“I know and I didn't say it was gonna be easy. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things you ever do. Aren't you the one who helped me through what happened between my father and me?”

“This is different.”

“Is it really? The anger consuming you is the same. And the way to fix it is the same.” She splayed her hand over her chest. “Take it from someone who knows and has gone through it recently. Once I forgave my father, I felt such a peace and freedom from the past. The Lord can help you through it.”

“I prayed for help when Tracy left. I didn't get an answer.”

“Maybe you did get an answer, but it wasn't what you wanted to hear.”

He drew himself up into a warrior stance—his arms held slightly away from his body, his shoulders thrust back, his head held high. “What your father did only affected you. What Tracy did affects Jana, too, not just me.”

“That's an excuse to continue to hold on to your anger. I think your daughter actually feels sorry for her mother.”

“She said that?”

“Jana doesn't think Tracy's really happy.”

“She isn't?” He lowered his gaze, masking it from Alexa.

Is that hope in his voice?
Her heart ached at the thought she'd lost Ian for good today. The few kisses they'd shared were only because he was on the rebound. She'd never accept a relationship that couldn't be one hundred percent. “Your daughter is very perceptive. She thinks her mother is trying too hard to appear happy.”

“I have a hard time having any empathy for Tracy when I remember my daughter's tears, questions and anxiety. How can I forget that first time Jana fell apart and refused to leave the house, all the times she clung to me in fear I would abandon her too? No matter what I told her about how I would never leave her, that I knew what that was like, she still didn't believe me—not at first. It's taken almost a year of therapy to get her to where she now goes out without me.”

“I'm not saying you should forget. I'm saying you should forgive. Those two things are different and don't have to go hand in hand.”