Love In Rewind (31 page)

If I could call Sara right now I would say to her, Simply Red,
Holding Back The Years
, or maybe I'd say, Cher,
If I Could Turn Back Time
,
or better yet I wouldn't say anything at all…

It must have been love...

I
didn't use our chauffeur or any of the company jets. I didn't want anyone knowing my whereabouts. I was about to become Emily Marcus once again. I had a need to purge myself from the life I'd become accustomed to. I took a cab to JFK airport. I had no idea where to go. I withdrew ten thousand dollars in cash from my personal bank account and stood at the Delta terminal holding an overnight bag and the clothing on my back.

I looked at my phone and saw twenty texts from my sister. She was trying to talk some sense into me. I even got a text from Mike begging me to come stay with them for a few days. Louis also sent me a text, which I couldn't bring myself to read. Maybe he wanted to tell me to not wait up for him. He wouldn't have to worry about seeing me tonight—or maybe ever again. Whoever invented texting did a great disservice to mankind. Now I could go for days without uttering a single word to my friends and family. But as long as a text was sent, that somehow fulfilled my communication quota with the world.

I wanted to call Sara. I needed to talk to someone who knew me before Louis. Sara and I hadn't been there for each other in years and she was going through her own breakup. I couldn't call her now. I had no right. I was in shock but I still couldn't hold myself back from sending her a text that I knew only she would understand and not question
:
It Must Have Been Love
by Roxette.

I walked up to the Delta ticketing counter and asked which flight was leaving in the next hour and if I could buy a seat. Twenty minutes later I was sitting in economy class heading to St. Lucia. Before takeoff I called my mother. I got no answer. She was probably still at the hospital seeing patients and preforming procedures. I left her a voice message telling her that everything was okay and that I needed a little break. I asked her and Daddy to keep an eye on my kiddies while I was gone and not to worry. I promised I'd come back as soon as I could.

I didn't even grab a charger for my phone. It had ten percent left before it died on me. I felt as depleted as my phone … almost dead. I closed my eyes and all I saw was a fool. Had I been delusional for the past ten years? Maybe he'd been cheating on me from the start. God, how could everything I'd felt my whole adult life be a lie? I never enjoyed drinking hard liquor. Champagne was as far as I went in the booze department, but on that flight I needed something to numb the voices in my head.

"Vodka on the rocks, please," I said to the flight attendant.

My husband turned me down repeatedly in the past three months. Maybe even longer than that. Maybe this was exactly what I needed to finally wake up. Maybe I was a naïve dimwit our whole fucking relationship. How can one person be enough for the insatiable Louis fucking Bruel? He was irresistible, tall, dark, and handsome, with a big cock and more money than sense. God, I hated him. No, I hated me. I should've known that someone who looks like my husband and could make a woman feel the way he made me feel would need to share his attributes with more than one woman. Having Phillip watch and join him fucking some girl was essential to the formula.

Why did he need to marry me? My virginity and my naïveté must've been incredibly enticing. He was willing to temporarily give up his womanizing lifestyle. He wouldn't even know I'm gone. Maybe in a few days my parents and sister would nag him about my whereabouts until he realized I wasn't occupying my side of the cold bed. He wouldn't have to suffer anymore. He'd finally be able to live the life he so desperately missed while he was pretending to be a loving husband. Phillip was trying to do us a favor that night at the club. Louis was just too stubborn to listen and I was just too blind.
Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are
, my nana used to tell me. He had her fooled, too. I was crying again. Had I even stopped crying? I was starting to black out.

"Ma'am, excuse me. Ma'am."

I opened my bloodshot eyes to see an empty plane and a flight attendant looking sadly at me with pity in her eyes.

"Honey, are you alright? We need to exit the aircraft. We're in St. Lucia."

I got up, took my bag, and walked off the plane. Panic started to set in. I had no idea where I was going. I'd never been to St. Lucia. I had no plan. It was nighttime. I was the only person at Immigrations and I cleared customs quickly. I found a wood bench and sat outside the airport like a lost puppy. I was still anesthetized from the three vodkas I'd downed on the plane. I closed my eyes and blacked out again.

It was dawn when I pried my eyes open. I was lying down on a wooden bench clutching my overnight Louis Vuitton bag for dear life. I was groggy and disoriented. It took me a few minutes to figure out where I was. I was having a nervous breakdown in the Caribbean by myself.
Okay, Emily time to figure out what's next
. I got up and walked over to a baggage porter.

"Excuse me sir, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes lady, how can I help you?"

I tried smoothing my messy hair and my wrinkled blue Lanvin silk top hoping to look presentable and not on the verge of jumping off a cliff. I was thankful for my wrinkle-free, tight jeans.

"I'd like for you to recommend a place to stay on the island. A nice hotel."

"There are many nice hotels on this island. What kind are you looking for?"

I thought about his question and answered, "I need a mental vacation … something private and quiet."

"Lady, you need Le Spa," he said, pointing to a huge poster on the wall. The advertising had a photo of a naked woman sitting on a ledge in a Zen like yoga position. It said,
Le Spa … Say goodbye to the real world and say hello to our perfect world.
Well I could definitely say goodbye to my crumbling world. My mind was all shades of fucked up at the moment. I needed all the help I could get escaping the real world. I needed to be strong, if not for me, then for my kids. I decided I was only giving myself a few days to feel sorry for myself and that was it. I needed to get up and off the floor, dust myself off, and start over. Shit happens and life goes on. I looked around to find that same porter.

"Sir, how can I get to Le Spa quickly?"

"Lady, the best way to get to the other side of the island is by helicopter. You'll be at the hotel in fifteen minutes. Or, you could take a taxi, which will take about two hours."

The helicopter sounded perfect to me. A few minutes later I boarded a small helicopter and was whisked away. The view was breathtaking. St. Lucia was mostly a mountainous rainforest. The sight of the beautiful ocean and lush green land momentarily helped me forget the pain. The helicopter choppers were so loud I couldn't hear the voices screaming in my head. I remembered that girl, Isabella, who'd died many years ago. She was in love with Louis and he rejected her. At the time he told me the story of her multiple suicide attempts I couldn't understand how someone could self-destruct like that. I would never hurt myself, but for the first time I didn't find the act abhorrent. I had no idea how I could go on living without him. How was it possible to love and hate someone simultaneously?

I got to the hotel after a short taxi ride from the helipad. A smiling man, who offered me a cold towel and Caribbean lemonade, instantly greeted me.

"Welcome to Le Spa, miss. I hope you had a nice trip getting to us. What name is your reservation under?"

"I don't have a reservation."

My statement wiped the smile right off his face. I offered the kind looking man a weak smile.

"This was a last minute trip … can I get any available room please? I need a room, any room would be fine."

The poor guy took a better look at me and decided I needed all the help I could get. I'd been crying for the last twelve hours; I'm sure my eyes were puffy and red. I slept outside of an airport on a bench, for God's sake. I must look like a dirty bum. Seeing myself through this stranger's eyes, I knew I looked pitiable.

"Miss that may be a problem. We have a wedding this week and the hotel is completely sold out. Let me call one of the mangers to see what we can do for you; maybe they can recommend a sister hotel on the island. I'll be right back."

I waited a few minutes, looking around and trying to take in my surroundings. It was early morning and the sun wasn't penetrating yet. The spa grounds were quite tranquil. I saw a tall man approaching followed by the man who'd greeted me initially. The new stranger was handsome in an Australian surfer kind of way. He was young, definitely in his early twenties. He didn't look serious enough to be in charge of anything except hanging out and enjoying the sun.

Preparing to be turned away, I tried to assess him as he approached. I could make out a broad lean body under his white polo top, and muscular legs in form fitting Bermuda shorts. He had on tan colored driving shoes with no socks. His straight dirty blond locks fell to his chin. I was thinking how this man was the polar opposite of my husband. Well, soon to be ex-husband. That's the first time I'd said that to myself.
Ex-husband.
I will be Louis Bruel's ex-wife.
I looked down at my hand. I still had my engagement ring on. The sight of that ring brought back vicious, taunting memories. I'd lost the love of my life. Louis was my everything. I didn't even know who I was without him. I'd been entwined with him my entire adult life and now I'd lost everything. I was nothing but an empty used shell…

I felt hands lightly stroking my upper arms. I pulled myself out of the bottomless pit my mind had gone to and looked up into clear blue eyes.

"Are you alright? Why are you crying? Are you in pain? Should I call the doctor?"

Crying.
Oh, my God
, I didn't even realize I was crying. He reached out his hand and very gently wiped my wet cheek with his thumb.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to cry. I don't need a doctor. I need a room. I need a place to stay for a few days," I said in whatever audible voice I could command.

The handsome man with a slight British accent smiled at me kindly. He looked as if he knew me. I felt the flicker of recognition pass through those knowing blue eyes. He looked over to the man who first greeted me. He gave him a questioning look and pulled his smiling lips together into a thin line. I knew that look. It's the
we need to defuse a crazy situation
look.

"Don't worry, I have money. I'm not looking for charity. I just need a place to stay. I'll pay double."

"Leo, can you ask Ashley to have room 5450 prepared and cleaned for me?"

"Yes, sir. Where shall I tell her to move your belongings? We don't have any available rooms. Where will you be staying then?" Leo asked.

The manager—I guessed that's what he was—shot Leo the international
shut the fuck up
look and quickly added, "I'll figure that out later, mate. Let's get our beautiful guest settled first."

Did he just call me beautiful? Was this guy blind or just polite? I looked back up at his unshaven scruffy face to meet those knowing clear blue eyes.

"I don't want to take your room. I don't care which room you have. I'm not picky. I just don't want to take your room."

Leo was already heading toward the reception area. I was feeling guilty for putting this man out of his own room.

"Emmalay, can I get you anything while you wait?" he asked, adding an extra syllable to my name and giving me a crooked smile. My mind was operating at half speed but I was positive I didn't tell him my name yet.

"How did you know my name was Emily?" I asked, with dread starting to course through my veins.

"I know a lot about you, Emmalay, including who you belong to."

He had no idea what he was saying. I didn't belong to anyone … anymore.

"You don't know anything about me; my name is Emily Marcus. I don't know what you think you know about me."

He stepped back to assess my appearance and added, "I take it it's a room for one then, Miss Emmalay Marcus."

I looked down feeling my emptiness spread like wildfire.

"Yes, it's just me from now on."

"Let me introduce myself. I'm William Knight; please call me Will. Nice to make your acquaintance, Miss Emmalay Marcus." He was still looking at me, assessing how long ago I'd escaped the loony bin. I needed to go find a nice black hole to wallow in my depressive sorrow alone. "Miss Marcus, I'll have Leo take your bags to your room. I'll show you around the resort and take you for some breakfast if that's acceptable with you."

My stomach liked the idea of having some much needed fuel. Will seemed very well mannered; he was probably one of the managers. Maybe he recognized me from an article he'd read about Louis in
Forbes
or
Money
magazine. I nodded at his offer. My choices were pretty nonexistent.

"Brilliant. Let's start with the beach and work our way to our sanctuary. Where did Leo put the rest of your luggage, Miss Marcus?"

I handed him my small Louis Vuitton overnight bag that I'd been clutching flush against my chest. He looked at me with something between confusion and pity. I needed for him to stop looking at me like I was a child who'd lost a parent. Even though in some fucked up way that was exactly what had happened to me.

"This was a spur of the moment trip." I didn't need to explain myself, but this stranger was being really nice to me.

"Of course, Miss Marcus. In case you forgot to pack anything, we do have some great shops for you to rummage through."

"Thank you. That's good to know, and please, Will, call me Emily."

Every ego needs a Knight...

T
he hotel property was beautifully set on a pristine beach. The Piton Mountains served as a picturesque backdrop. The pools were very modern and sleek. I would never come to a place like this with Louis. There were too many people everywhere. Will explained that the hotel was sold out because of a wedding taking place in a few days.