Love at 11 (34 page)

I started to giggle. No matter how things changed in life, there were some things you could always count on. “Okay, fine,” I said. “Besides, I want to thank Miguel. After all, if it weren’t for him, none of this would have happened.”

“Totally. And he should be happy, too. After all, thanks to you, his brother’s killers are in jail.” Jodi’s eyes took on a mischievous gleam. “He should give you a friends-and-family discount from now on.”

“Oh yeah,” I agreed as we headed toward the shop. “And then I can finally get that Kate Spade purse with the sewn-on label.”

Hi, Sis,

How’s it hanging? This rehab place blows. Totally boring. If I have to do one more arts and crafts project I’m going to kick someone’s ass, big time. I mean, talk about incentive to get off drugs—just making sure I never have to come back to this hellhole would be a good enough reason for me. But hey, at least I’m getting well. I’ve even stopped puking three times a day.

So, they tell me during sessions that the ninth step to recovery is to say you’re sorry to all those people you hurt with your addiction. Well, I’m actually only on step two, but you know me––I hate to go in order. So here you are, the official Lulu/Maddy apology Top 10:

1. I’m sorry I stole from you.

2. I’m sorry I trashed your apartment.

3. I’m sorry I made you worry about me.

4. I’m sorry I let Drummer use your toothbrush to clean his hash pipe out. (Though he did rinse it out afterward, I swear!)

5. I’m sorry I borrowed your DKNY top and lost it and then told you that someone broke into your apartment and stole it.

6. I’m sorry I broke that window to make “The Great DKNY Robbery” more believable to the cops.

7. I’m sorry about that time I told your high school boyfriend that you still had a Menudo poster hanging on your bedroom wall. (Though for the record I never thought he’d dump you over that and tell the whole school!)

8. I’m sorry for the time I drew on your face with permanent marker during your pre–senior prom nap. (But honestly, it really did look like a cool henna tattoo.)

9. Oh and remember that time mom accused you of being preggo? Well, that pregnancy test actually belonged to my friend Dora, but she didn’t want her mother to kill her (they’re very Catholic!) so we told Mom it was from you. Since you were so much older, we really didn’t think Mom would freak as much as she did!

10. Hmm, can’t think of a tenth thing, but I’m sure I’ll think of more in the next few weeks. After all, there’s not much else to do here.

Your loving sister, Lu

Chapter Twenty-one

Two weeks later Lulu was released from rehab and Dad threw a party to celebrate her recovery and my new job. Cindi decorated the yard with brightly colored balloons and streamers and Dad fired up the grill. Lulu and her friends hung out by the back wall, chattering about college applications and boys (not necessarily in that order) while Jodi and I hung out on the swings, sipping homemade margaritas. Cindi waddle over (she was getting quite big) with a heaping tray of cookies and coerced us to eat more than our share. She really was growing on me, now that I’d taken the time to get to know her a little better. She was smart and funny and sweet; it was no wonder my dad was crazy about her. Sure, it was still weird to consider someone so much younger than me as my stepmom, but they so obviously adored each other, it was hard to object.

“Hey, where’s the party?” The back door swung open and, to my surprise, Mom stepped through. She was wearing a bright yellow sundress and looked tanned and healthy. Lulu bounced off the wall and ran to hug her. I waited until they were done, then gave her a squeeze myself. Dad greeted her cheerfully and even Cindi shook her hand hello. I could tell Mom still wasn’t quite sure about the whole Cindi situation, but she was doing her best to remain pleasant for the family’s sake.

We ate at the picnic table, chattering throughout the meal about the future. I told everyone about my new job and my new apartment in LA. Lulu chattered about rehab and all the celebrities she’d met there. And, under Mom’s own urging, Cindi shyly gave us an update on the baby. It was a girl and they were going to call her Sarah, after Cindi’s grandmother.

It was weird, for sure. But it was also kind of nice. After dinner Mom took me aside, leading me into the house. We sat down on the sofa.

“So you’re okay with all of this?” I asked. “I mean, all of us hanging out together?”

“It’s not my favorite thing in the world to see your dad with someone else,” Mom admitted. “But he seems really happy. And I’m glad about that. The two of us were miserable for so long.”

“What about you, though? Are you happy?”

“You know what, Maddy? I am. I really am.” She smiled. “In the last month I’ve had more adventures than I’ve had in a lifetime. I’ve traveled the world. Tried new things. Met new people. And that never would have happened if your dad didn’t leave.” She shook her head. “Believe me, I’m still angry as hell over what he did. But at the same time, in a strange way, I’m grateful. My life is good now. I’m stronger and more self-reliant and I’m starting to live for me for the first time ever. And that never would have happened if I stayed in my loveless marriage.”

“I’m glad you’re having fun, Mom,” I said, giving her a hug.

“But enough about me,” she said. “What about you? You’ve gotten the job you always wanted, but for some reason you don’t seem happy.”

She always had been perceptive. “You’re right,” I admitted. “Why is that?”

“Well, right around the time you left, this new guy came to work at News Nine …” I started from the beginning and told her the whole sordid tale, leaving out, of course, the one-night stand and accidental Ecstasy in the desert parts. There were some things you didn’t ever share with your mother, even if she was suddenly all liberated and stuff.

I ended with Jen’s pregnancy. “He says it won’t change things between us, but I don’t see how that could be the case.”

“That’s a tough one,” my mother mused. “Does he want to be part of the child’s life?”

“Yes. Unfortunately.”

“
Not
unfortunately,” Mom scolded. “Maddy, that’s a good sign. He lives up to his responsibilities. Would you rather he be the type that runs away? A deadbeat dad?”

“I guess not.”

“You know, Maddy. The world is changing. Families are being redefined. Look at us tonight, for goodness sake. And I believe if you find someone you truly love, you shouldn’t let a little conflict get in the way.”

“But this isn’t like he has some mole on his left shoulder. It’s eighteen years of responsibility.”

“I’m not saying it will be easy. But worthwhile things hardly ever are,” she said gently. “And oftentimes true love requires sacrifice. Do you really love him?”

“Oh yes,” I said, my composure crumbling and tears bursting from my eyes. I’d been so strong for so long. Built up the wall and tried to tell myself I didn’t care. But life without Jamie had a big empty hole in it, and it was slowly sucking the joy away. “I love him so much.”

“And do you believe he loves you?”

I thought about it for a moment then nodded. No matter what happened physically between him and Jen on that last night they were together, I was sure of his feelings for me. “Yes.”

My mom shrugged. “Then to me it seems pretty obvious what you should do.”

And suddenly it seemed pretty obvious to me, too. “I’ve got to go, Mom,” I said, rising to my feet. “I’ll talk to you later.”

She smiled. “Good luck, sweetie. Good luck!”

*

I broke every speed limit in San Diego driving to Jamie’s apartment. When I got there, I couldn’t find a parking spot and ended up double parking. I ran to the door and rang the bell, praying he’d be there. Praying he wasn’t too mad at my ongoing stupidity and would listen to what I had to say.

“Maddy?”

The door opened and suddenly Jamie stood before me, dressed in low-slung dark blue jeans and tight white t-shirt. His beautiful green eyes looked hollow, circled in dark black, and it appeared he hadn’t shaven in days. It gave him a rough, almost dangerous and unbearable sexy look that warmed something low in my belly.

“Jamie,” I said. Now that I was here, I didn’t know what to say.

“You haven’t returned my calls,” he said. The comment was matter of fact. Not judgmental. But I felt more than a squirm of guilt anyway.

“I’ve been … busy.” How lame did that sound? How untrue. But what was I supposed to say?

“I’ve heard. Thank God your sister’s okay.” He shifted from foot to foot. “And I guess congratulations are in order, huh? On your new job.”

“Thanks,” I said, wondering who’d told him. Wondering what he thought about it. “How’s the baby?” I asked.

He winced a little. “Jen and I went to the doctor today. They claim everything’s in order.”

“That’s … good,” I managed to say, feeling sick to my stomach all over again. As much as I loved him, it was still going to take some time to get used to the idea of him becoming, a dad. Just like with my own father’s new baby.

“Yeah,” he said simply, staring down at me without elaborating. I could see a million questions swirling behind his eyes, but knew he was afraid to push me. He raked a hand through his hair, and I remembered running my own fingers through those soft locks, breathing in the soapy scent of shampoo and aftershave.

“I can’t take this anymore, Maddy,” he said at last, his voice worn and hoarse. “I haven’t slept in days. I’ve barely eaten. I feel sick all of the time. I’ve tried to stay away, give you space, but I’m at my wits’ end.”

I stared down at the ground. “I know. I’ve felt similar.”

“What can I do to make you see I love you?” he asked, his tone more than a little frustrated. “I know this situation is awkward, but it doesn’t have to be over between us. Why can’t you see that? What we had was so special. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. And damn it, I’m not going to let you throw it all away.”

“But what about Jen and the baby?” I asked, needing to be clear. “They’ll need you.”

“Yes. You’re right.” He nodded. “My baby will need a father. And Jen will likely need some financial and emotional support. I won’t neglect my responsibility. I will love my child and be there for him or her no matter what. But that doesn’t change anything between Jen and me. We haven’t gotten back together.”

“But you could,” I protested. “Once the baby is born, you could.” And that was the real reason, I suddenly realized, that I was resisting so much. I couldn’t bear the idea that I could lose him at a moment’s notice. That I could hand him my heart, only to have it crushed a few months down the road.

“No. That’s impossible.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m in love with someone else,” he said simply, his words piercing at my heart. “Someone wonderful.”

He looked down at me with love-filled eyes, and it took every ounce of Jedi mind control not to throw myself into his arms right then and there.

“This person you love,” I said slowly. “What is she like?”

I could hear the smile in his voice, even as it sounded like he was holding back tears. “She’s very smart for one thing. And she cares more about the truth than getting ahead. She’s a loyal sister and daughter, even when she doesn’t feel like it. She is a bit afraid of motorcycles but is brave enough to ride anyway. She loves to dance to eighties music and has all of Depeche Mode’s bootlegs. And she’s convinced John Hughes is a better director than Fredrico Fellini.”

“Well, I’m sure this Fellini guy has his strong points, too, but you got to admit, Sixteen Candles is a tough act to follow.”

Jamie laughed, dropping his hands to my waist and pulling me close. “This girl I love, she makes me laugh and she makes me cry. She’s my muse. She encourages me to follow my dreams.” He dropped his mouth to my ear. “I got a new agent,” he whispered. “And he’s very excited about the manuscript proposal I sent him.”

“Oh my God!” I looked up at him, bursting with pride. “That’s so awesome! Congratulations.”

He looked down on me with loving eyes rimmed with tears. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you, you know.”

I dropped my eyes to the ground. I didn’t know what to do. He took my chin in his hand and tilted my head to look back at him.

“I know I’m asking a lot,” he said earnestly. “I know it’ll be hard at times. But I will do anything to ensure that things work out between us. Anything.”

“But …” My mind was blanking with all the practical reasons I knew I should be resisting more. “But I’m moving to LA. I can’t stay here, you know.”

“I’d never ask you to,” Jamie said, sounding astonished that I’d think he would. “But I called some buddies at my old production company. They just won a contract with an LA-based reality show—‘Who Wants to Marry a Movie Star.’ It’s at least six months of shooting work.”

“And after that?”

“I’ll find something else,” he said sincerely. “I’ll make it work—whatever it takes.”

“But I don’t want you to rearrange your whole life … because of me—”

“Don’t you get it?” he asked, shaking his head. “I don’t care. It’s worth it.
You’re
worth it.”

My heart fluttered at his words. He thought I was worth it. No one had ever said those words to me before. No one ever made sacrifices like this for me before. And now it was my turn to make a sacrifice for him. To trust him. Believe him. Give him a chance.

“You mean that?” I asked, my one last question before accepting the idea that perhaps all my dreams really could come true.

“With all my heart.” He pressed a hand to his chest to emphasize his point.

“Well …” I realized my whole body was trembling as I made my decision. “I guess we could … you know, give it a try.”

His face lit into a bright smile and his whole body seemed to sag with relief at my words. Then, he threw his arms around me and pulled me close. I rejoiced in his familiar scent tickling my nose. I’d missed this. I’d missed him.

“You won’t regret this,” he murmured in my ear. “I won’t let you down. I love you, Madeline Madison.”