Love, Always (9 page)

“Whiteners did that,” I accuse, and he laughs.

I rummage through the bag and put my clothes away in the drawers supplied to me. I pick up the same frame I gave Adam with a picture of him and Josie. With my hands shaking, I put it up on my nightstand and stare at it while Adam watches me. I turn around and force a smile on my face.

“She doesn’t look like an alien.”

Adam chuckles as he pulls me onto his lap. “She’s as beautiful as her mama.”

“Hopefully she’s a little less screwy than her mama.”

“You’ll be okay, Dee.” He wraps me in his arms and I lean onto his body, feeling safe. “I spoke to the band, and we’re not gonna start up the tour again for three weeks. That’ll give me some time to find a nanny for Josie.”

“You’re gonna take her on tour with you though, right?”

“Yeah, sweetie. Only time she won’t be with me is when I’m on stage.”

“The girls will fall at your feet when they see you carrying a baby with you.”

“Too bad for them my heart already belongs to another girl.” He squeezes me tighter against him and I’m grateful Josie has Adam as her dad. He’ll do right by her. He already loves her more than I can. “So tell me about this place.”

“Not much to tell.” I shrug my shoulders. “We have breakfast at seven AM, group therapy at nine, free time ‘till noon when we eat, group activity at two, free time again until five when I meet with Dr. Rios privately, and lights out at eight.”

“Lights out at eight?”

“Nine if we’re good.”

“I got permission to bring Josie by tomorrow if you want me to?”

I know I should want to see my daughter, so I nod my head which seems to be the answer Adam was hoping for. Go me!

Adam leaves shortly after that, so I head to the sitting room to wait for lunch. I spot Hayley sitting by herself by the piano and decide to sit next to her since everyone else is sitting in groups.

“You know how to play?” I ask her and she smiles.

“Sometimes. Depends on who I am at the time.”

“And does the person I’m talking to right now know how to play?” I ask cautiously, and she sends her head back in laughter.

“Your face,” she laughs. “Oh, good God! You shoulda seen your face.”

I watch her with uncertainty creeping up my spine. She’s crazier than I am.

“Are you always this gullible?” she asks once she composes herself.

“You were joking?”

“Yeah, I was fuckin’ with ya. I only have one personality, so chill.”

I relax beside her once again and smile at her stupid prank. “Do you know how to play or not?”

“You got a name?”

“Dee,” I offer.

She openly smirks at me and I roll my eyes, already knowing what’s coming. “Seriously? Like dees nuts?” she asks, pointing to the nonexistent nuts inside her pants. “Only it works better as Dee’s nuts, because, well you’re here and you must be nuts.”

I laugh at her rationalization, but hell, it makes sense.

“Yeah, I know how to play, Dee. What do you want to hear?”

“Anything.”

Hayley begins to play, and I watch her fingers dance over the piano effortlessly. We sit in communal silence as she plays everything from Mozart to Christmas carols. I watch the room around me as people stare at the TV and play board games. This is my new home for an indefinite amount of time. I might as well get used to it so my anxiety levels stabilize.

As promised, Adam visits me with Josie the following day, just after group therapy. I’m reluctant to carry her, but know I have to. Adam hands her to me as nurses keep a watchful eye on me as if I might try to hurt her. I guess it’s probably happened before. I look at her face and see Josh staring back at me. My throat closes up until I can barely breathe. I try to hand her back to Adam, but he refuses.

“You’ve got this, sweetie,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “You can do it. That’s your baby. Your little girl.”

I nod and force myself to look at her face. My little girl. My lip quivers and I steady my breathing so I don’t get dizzy while holding her. I can do this. She has Josh’s ears, his lips, and when she smiles I see she has my dimples. I touch her dimple, remembering how much Josh loved my dimples.

“She has your nose, too.” I look up at him to see him smiling at me. “And your lungs,” he says, and I chuckle. “Her screams scare the life out of me.”

“In her defense, all she can do to get your attention is scream.”

Adam shakes his head and laughs at me. I don’t know why it hits me so suddenly, but at that moment I realize how much I’ve selfishly put on Adam. How much he’s selflessly taken on. I look at him in disbelief and for the first time notice the dark circles under his eyes and the worry creases between his eyebrows. How long have they been there?

With one arm supporting Josie, I reach out to Adam, and he willingly takes my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and choke back the threatening tears. “I’m sorry,” I repeat clearer. “You don’t have to do any of this, but here you are.”

“I just want you to get better, Dee. That’s all that matters to me.”

“You give and you give. Don’t you ever get tired of not receiving?”

“You’ve given me more than I ever hoped for.” I look at him, confused. Aside from grief and worry, I’m not sure what I’ve given him. “You gave me purpose. You gave me Josie. You didn’t have to, but you did.”

“I think we’re the ones benefiting the most from that exchange,” I laugh, but he shakes his head.

“My life meant nothing before. I had music, you and Josh. What else did I have?”

“That wasn’t enough?”

“Was it enough for you?” he asks, and I nod. “It wasn’t for me. I wanted more.”

I stare at my daughter and am grateful for the characteristics her dad passed down to her. So long as I have her, he isn’t completely lost to me.

“I’ll come by later,” Adam promises before he leaves.

“With Josie?”

“Yeah.” He smiles, and it warms my heart.

“I held my daughter today,” I tell Hayley later that night during our free time. Dr. Rios thinks I should open up to other patients and make some friends. Hayley seems like the least threatening of the group, so I decide to try to speak to her.

“Yeah?” She looks up from the piano and stops playing. “What was it like?”

“Weird,” I shrug. “She’s like this tiny little creature and I’m supposed to be the one taking care of her, but I can barely look at her. But once I do, I don’t want to look away.”

“Did she cry when you carried her?” she asks, and I shake my head. “Guess that’s a good sign. What’s her name?”

“Josie.”

“Like the Pussycats?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I laugh, remembering the movie about an all-female rock band. I guess it’s fitting. “I have a picture of her in my room.”

Hayley follows me to my room and plops herself on my bed. She picks up the picture on my nightstand and studies it as I ease myself onto the bed.

“You need to learn how to chill, chick,” she says from behind the frame.

“And you’ve got the secret to chilling?” I ask. “Is that why you’re stuck in a psych ward with me?”

Hayley grabs my pillow and throws it at my face before I have the chance to block it. Laughing, I grab the pillow and shove it in her face while we laugh. That’s at least three times today I’ve laughed. Maybe there is something to those magic happy pills.

“You wanna know my story?” Hayley sobers and I nod. “It’s a tale of tragedy and despair,” she makes fun of herself as she places the back of her hand dramatically to her forehead.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Truth is, Dee, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t have a sad story, just a screwed up brain. My parents love me, I have friends, I get good grades. I’ve got it made.”

“But your brain doesn’t agree?”

“Not one damn bit.”

“Must suck to be certifiably insane without a real reason,” I tease, and she throws her pillow in my face once again.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a girlfriend, and while I’m not sure Hayley and I are actually friends, whatever this is, it’s nice. For however long it lasts.

Adam

I did this to her. I pushed too hard, too fast, so she pretended to be fine and I wanted it to be true badly, so I believed her. I only meant to help her, but all I did was hurt her further. I gave her that final little shove over the edge and crippled her soul.

I lie down in my bed with Josie’s bassinet beside me and I wonder how we got here. I’d give anything to go back to that fateful day and drag Josh off the stage with me. Or I’d look for him in the rubble faster. I wouldn’t let him die.

I can’t do this. He was always the better man. I knew it the minute I met him, which is why Dee deserved him while I deserved to live in his shadows.

Six years old

Dad taught me how to make spaghetti and ham and cheese sandwiches before he went to heaven, so I’m cooking Mom the best spaghetti I can make. I put butter on her toast the way she used to do it for me so she can have a spaghetti sandwich if she wants, and then I slowly carry her plate to her room.

The room is dark with the lights off and the windows closed, but I know where her bed is even if I had my eyes closed. I put the plate on the side of the bed and climb in bed with her so I can wake her up.