Love, Always (14 page)

I love you.

Always.

We became one

Forever

I love you.

Always.”

My heart doesn’t break, but for the first time it swells, knowing Josh loved me until his last breath.

Adam

Two hours before we have to go to the airport to join the rest of the band in Seattle, I leave Dee and Josie in our condo with Hayley and Max so that I can go to the cemetery to visit Josh. While I come here at least once when I’m in town, it isn’t enough. I pull the weeds growing around the gravestone, and only when I’m satisfied do I sit down so I can talk to Josh. It’s a good thing he can’t reach me from where he’s at, because I’m sure he’d beat my ass after he hears what I’m gonna tell him.

“I’m in love with your girl, brother,” I tell him and welcome a blow to my face, but continue when my best friend’s ghost remains silent. “I’ve loved her for as long as you have, but I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. She doesn’t want me, she wants you, and you left her broken. For as long as I live I’ll hate you for that, and I’ll hate myself for not having saved you to save her.

“I’m trying though, and I’ll keep tryin’. But, fuck me, I feel like I’m drowning here. She’s all I think about. And then when I’m thinkin’ of her, you pop in my head. I hurt so bad from wanting her and from not wantin’ to want her. I don’t know how to let either of you go.”

I sit quietly for a moment, hoping for some clarity. When none comes, I pull out a picture of Josie and rest it against the headstone. I place my fingers to my lips and then over Josh’s name. It’s unbelievable how one person could leave so many broken souls in his wake.

Twenty years old

“He’s pretty incredible.” Dee sits down next to me and I see her eyes on Josh. They’re always only on Josh. He’s all she sees, and she’s all he sees.

They’re good together. They create a sort of music of their own and sometimes it feels like no one else is entitled to know the lyrics of their specific song. I guess love should be like that; just the two of them.

“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.”

I look at her smiling face and smile back. I don’t doubt it. If two people were ever meant to be together it was Josh and Dee.

“Quit lookin’ at my girl.” Josh slaps my back before handing me a beer.

“Tell her to quit looking so pretty and I won’t have to keep looking at her.” I take a swig of my beer, pushing the jealousy and bitterness into the pit of my stomach.

“Nah.” He kisses Dee on the side of her lips and she laughs. “I like her pretty. And I’ll be carryin’ a picture of that pretty face while we’re on tour.”

“I’m gonna miss you,” she pouts. “I mean, I’m happy you’re going and how big Wasted Circle is gonna get, but I’m gonna miss you.”

Josh pulls her to him and closes his eyes as he breathes her in.

“I love you, Dee,” he whispers, and I look away. “Never forget that. You’re the best part of my life.”

Funny, she’s the best part of my life, too. Only I get to say it quietly.

I leave them to their declarations of love while I walk towards a pretty little blonde who’s been watching me. She licks her lips when I smile at her, so I sit next to her and buy her a drink. I’ll get lost in a stranger’s arms tonight, which is pretty fan-fuckin’-tastic if you ask me.

After a few shots, the blonde and I stumble out of the bar and mutually agree to take our adventure a step further as we stagger towards a nearby playground. It’s dark, but the danger of being caught excites the blonde to the point that I’m sure she’s wet long before I touch her.

I lay her on the slide, caressing her skin with my fingers, but not my lips. I slide her pants down and touch her – yep, she’s already wet. She moans and leans her body towards me when I push my fingers inside her. Hard and just as eager, I lower my pants and thrust myself inside of her. She screams my name with each thrust, but I continue to plummet into her, needing my own release. I feel her nails dig into my back and enjoy it when she wraps her legs around my waist. I shudder once before I thrust myself into her responsibe body. She pulls me towards her, but I won’t kiss her or give her any false promises.

It’s insane to see girls go batshit crazy over Adam, but apparently he’s a hot commodity. Even Hayley is developing a crush on him. I wish I could say he’s still plain ole’ Adam to me, but that would be denying the fact that Adam is a legend in his own right. He’s a damn rock star. He even dresses like one with black on black on black and lots of leather. His hair drapes wherever it wants and his face is left unshaven. He’s fucking hot. How the hell had I never realized that before? And once he gets on stage, I have to battle with my bra and panties to stay on.

The first show I saw was incredible. While Adam and Ricky aren’t getting along off the stage, on it their chemistry is evident. The whole band works together in perfect synchrony, even the drummer. Adam’s voice is what resonates the most with me. When he sings, electricity flows through my veins until I’m sure I’ll implode. I’m pretty sure that’s how the majority of his female fan base feel as well.

I want to touch him; I want his fingers on my skin. I want to feel his breath on me seconds before our lips touch. At night, when I’m lying in bed with Josie by my side, all this wanting leaves me breathless and achy. I can’t even blame it on Josh, because while I loved, no,
love
him, our attraction wasn’t anything like this. Not that Adam has actually given me any signs that he’s attracted to me or sees me as anything but a friend or Josie’s mom.

It’s only been five days since I left the hospital, but it feels like five years. I don’t miss it or the nurses as much as I thought I would. I thought I’d be a wreck after meeting the new drummer for the first time, but he doesn’t resemble Josh in the least. He’s an island of weirdness all his own. Adam has stayed by my side, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand rhythmically so that my heart has no other choice but to beat steadily in my chest.

Amber and him are keeping their relationship behind closed doors, and I’m grateful for that. Being attracted to Adam is foreign to me, and I don’t want that attraction to hurt what we have. He’s been so good to me. I guess he always was, but I never saw it. He was always Josh’s best friend and I was Josh’s girl. After Josh passed, I honestly thought Adam would eventually break his ties with me after he felt his commitment was done. And now, here I am, on tour with my baby girl and her dad who I’m falling for while he’s screwing the nanny. If this isn’t novel-worthy material I don’t know what is.  

The band left Seattle earlier, but Hayley and I stayed back with Josie for a couple of days so we could go on a whale watching tour. It’s something I’ve never done before, and the followers on my blog insisted I had to try it. Who am I to deny them of a story and pictures of something I so badly want to do?

There aren’t very many people on the boat with us, which is actually great, because Hayley has been running from bow to stern like a Jack Russell Terrier on speed. Aside from aquariums, neither one of us has ever seen a whale. It’s exciting to think we’ll actually see them outside of the man-made prisons, doing what comes natural to them instead of performing tricks like a well-trained pet. I’d probably be running along beside her if I wasn’t carrying Josie.

The captain comes on over the speakers, letting us know that a pod has been spotted coming towards our boat. I feel my heart pulse all over my body as the captain puts the boat in neutral.

“We’re gonna see whales!” Hayley grips my arm and squeezes tighter. “Real live whales!”

I laugh at her. I guess the aquariums she’s been to only showcases dead whales.

I unknowingly hold my breath as I look over the side of the boat with Josie securely tucked in my arms. We’re gonna see real live whales!

“Take a picture,” I instruct Hayley, handing her my phone as I adjust Josie so her face is in the picture as well. I smile for the picture and for myself. I’m happy. It feels good to be happy, and I want to memorialize this moment.

I take the phone back from Hayley and send the picture to Adam with a quick text, “The whales are coming!”

“Now all of us,” Hayley demands. She holds the phone in front of us so that I can see my hair flying everywhere. I go to tame it, but Hayley holds my hand down and kisses me on the cheek for the picture. “We’re framing this.” She shows me the picture – Josie is facing the camera but is asleep, I’m smiling a smile so big I’d make the Joker jealous, and Hayley is kissing my cheek, but her eyes are staring right at the camera.

“Definitely framing this,” I agree.

The few people that are on the boat start to get excited, so we turn our attention back on the whales that are getting closer to us. I grab onto Hayley’s hand, who is jumping in place beside me, and we watch in awe as these beautiful creatures approach us. I don’t believe in miracles. I don’t believe in God. But seeing these killer whales, watching them, listening to them out here in the wild, makes me want to believe. At least that’s a start of some sort.

That night Hayley and I stay in our hotel room and have pizza, beer and chocolate for dinner. I lie on the floor with Josie on my lap as we play together with her toys. She’s a smart, happy girl, and I love to watch her try to figure things out.

I flip her over so that she is lying on me, and for the first time I notice how my once happy voluptuous playthings now dangle over the side of my body. My boobs are deflated, what the hell? I look over at Josie who is drooling onto my shirt.