Lost in Us (37 page)

Her smile drops a bit. "You don't like it?"

"It's just so… radical," I say.

"That's what I was aiming for," she exclaims proudly. "James says I look like a boy."

I couldn't agree more, but telling Dani so will surely break her heart. "You don't need anyone's approval to cut your hair the way you want it."

My answer brings a big grin to her face.

"I think it will perfectly match my new status as a college freshman," she says, clapping her hands excitedly. I smile at her. Her enthusiasm reminds me of Jess's before we started at Stanford. She didn't only get a new haircut, but also a tattoo. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I don't really understand it now either. Going to college wasn't really that much of a change. But maybe I've had the wrong idea about change all along. I went to great lengths to change everything around me after Kate died. I even changed my continent. But maybe things only really change when we decide to change. Maybe the secret to freeing ourselves from our past and our fears lies inside us.

I could try that now. Changing myself—isn't that what Jess told me again and again? That I need to change? New York is a chance to do that. Building a new me. A better me. I don't know how, but a new haircut doesn't seem like a bad place to start.

"Any idea what haircut matches the status of a New York young professional?" I ask Dani, half joking, half frightened. "I'm moving there after graduation."

Now her smile drops completely. She looks at something, someone—my bet is James—behind my shoulder, and says, "But I thought you and James… Why are you moving?"

"I received a great job offer there."

"Oh. Are you nervous?"

"Not really," I admit. For some reason, moving to a new place has never made me nervous. Not even when I was fourteen and came from England. Of course, that might be because I was too overwhelmed by grief to feel anything else. But I remember being as calm about moving as I am now. Ironic how I only seem to move from one place to the other because I'm running away
from
something, not
toward
something. Because no matter how hard I'm trying to convince everyone else, I know I would have never agreed so quickly to move to New York if I didn't want to be as far away as possible from James.

What will I do when I run out of places to escape to?

"Well I am nervous," she says. "I won't know anyone in England. Thank God Parker is moving back to London."

I wink. "Jess will also be moving there." 

"Jess, the friend with the bar accident?" Her eyes light up. "That's wonderful. Jess seems to like going out a lot."

"That she does." I can't imagine someone better to help Dani
become the party girl she wants to be. 

"Did I hear someone mention Jess?" Parker asks, appearing by my side.

"She just called to tell me she got that job in London," I answer. "She'll be moving there soon."

Parker's face melts into grimace, and I fight hard to withhold a laugh. Whatever caused the intense dislike between the two of them, it seems to be much more serious than I gave it credit.

"Come on, Parker." I elbow him. "There are quite a few people in London. I'm sure you'll manage to avoid each other."

"Why would you want to avoid Jess?" Dani asks, her eyebrows raised.

Parker scoffs.

If I'm honest, I'm pretty sure Jess won't want to avoid him forever. She'll seek him out just to annoy the hell out of him. That's always been her strategy when someone bothers her as badly as Parker: first avoid them, and then badger them with a vengeance. As I watch Parker and Dani, an image of the two of them and Jess having fun in London starts forming in my mind. Well, Jess and Dani having fun, and Jess annoying Parker to death.

Me, on the other hand, alone in New York. That's a cheerful thought.

"Has James changed his mind about letting me go rafting?" Dani asks Parker.

"I haven't talked to him about it."

Dani purses her lips, walking away.

"Will you please fill me in about the rafting thing?" I ask Parker, fidgeting my fingers behind my back.

"There's not much to fill you in on," he shrugs. "We'll grab rafts, wetsuits, and paddles, then go rafting on the river."

"On which river? Not this one, I hope. This looks like a deathtrap."

"Are you kidding? This is one of the best rivers for rafting in the U.S. Though I have to admit it's for more advanced rafters. Level four, I think."

I scrape my hand through my hair, biting my lip. "How many levels are there?"

"Six."

It's not Parker who answers, but James.

I turn around slowly, folding my arms over my chest. He's already wearing a blue wetsuit and a lopsided grin that takes my breath away. Thankfully, he stands a foot away from me. I think he knows what his proximity does to me.

"I'll go get a wetsuit," Parker excuses himself. 

"Six levels, huh?" I mumble. "Well, you can count me out."

"This is absolutely not dangerous, Serena."

"Parker just said this is for advanced rafters. I've never been rafting in my life."

"Which is why the rafts will be filled mostly with experienced rafters. There will only be one or two beginners in every raft. Besides, not the entire river is like this. There are large areas where the water is calmer and there are almost no rocks."

Staring at the river, it's hard to believe there are parts of it that look less deadly. I squirm in my spot, sinking half an inch in the mud below my feet.

"So you trusted me enough to jump from a plane with me, but you don't trust me with this?"

"Skydiving seemed safer," I say.

"Well," he muses, "to be honest, this is a
little
more dangerous than that. But it'll be a lot of fun."

"You didn't seem so willing to let Dani do it."

His eyes darken, and he shakes his head. "That's because Dani seems to be venturing into a lot of stuff lately. Some of it is
really
life-threatening. I don't want to encourage her."

"Sounds legit."

"I'd like nothing better than to spend this whole day alone with you, Serena," he says, and his voice seems to have dropped an octave. He takes a step forward, but I immediately take one backward, keeping the distance between us. He freezes in his steps.

"And deprive the others of your presence?" I joke. "That wouldn't be fair."

When there are others around, I can steal those little moments—a slight touch or a low whisper—that make my heart and my breath malfunction, and store them in my little glass box. If I'm alone with him, I'm afraid those moments will steal me instead.

"So what, then? Will you stay here on shore or come with us? It's your call."

I stare behind him, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. The entire group is climbing into the half-dozen or so bright orange rafts that appeared on shore out of nowhere. Everyone is now dressed in the same blue wetsuit as James, and also wearing lifejackets and helmets, both as bright orange as the rafts. 

"You fell in love with me," he says. "I assure you rafting is far less dangerous."

"I'll do it."

W
hen I climb into one of the rafts fifteen minutes later, I am positive I have never been so frightened in my life, despite being equipped with a lifejacket and helmet. There are four people on each side of the raft. I sit behind Parker and in front of James. Dani sits opposite me, pointedly ignoring James. I'm wearing a bathing suit (James ordered new ones to be bought for everyone especially for today) underneath my wetsuit, and all my clothes are now in the waterproof bag that I clutch for dear life. Parker takes the bag away from me, securing it at the back of the raft, and gives me a paddle instead.

I grip the paddle firmly and do my best to mimic Parker's smooth strokes, as the raft starts moving. Before I know it, we're speeding among the humongous gray rocks, and I pray we don't bump into one of them because the raft looks like it might not make it. My stomach tightens painfully when I look in front of us, because the river seems to be entirely made out of darned rocks. I grit my teeth when the inevitable collision nears, and close my eyes, expecting to be thrown out of the raft and possibly experience a healthy dose of pain.

But a wave of fresh water splashing all over us and a violent shake-up are the only calamities that follow. Everyone in the raft is cheering. I pretend to be cheering along with them and tighten my grip on the paddle.

"Your hands are going to get numb if you keep them like that," James whispers in my ear, sending an electrifying impulse through me that shakes me harder than any wave could. He puts his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "Relax a bit and enjoy the scenery. It's beautiful out here."

I could do that, I just have to first convince myself that the giant rocks are made out of marshmallows. But as I feel James breathing on the back of my neck, my stomach loosens up a bit. Just a bit.

And then someone—Ralph, by the sound of his voice—shouts from the front of the raft.

"Okay, everybody, prepare yourselves. The first fall is coming."

"The first what?" I shout.

But as James abruptly withdraws his arm, I very well feel the
what
. It starts in my stomach—a sensation of emptiness, not unlike that of diving on a roller coaster, except there's no seat belt, and no rails to keep us on a safe path. I give up any pretense of paddling and just hold on tight to whatever I can, my eyes closed. The emptiness transforms to lightness, surging to my chest in the free fall. Suddenly, all my senses are alert. The sound of water falling drums in my ears, the air—fresh and striking—fills my lungs, my chest, all of me, and I become aware for the first time of the life serum it is. I wonder how the world looks when you’re suddenly awake. But I'm still too afraid to open my eyes.

The bump announcing the fall is over slams me into James. I open my eyes and find myself cheering along with everyone else. For real this time.

"What's the verdict? Fun or terrifying?" James asks.

I turn to him, grinning. "Terrifyingly fun?"

He leans in to me, a little too close. "You'd be up for it again?"

I hesitate just for a fraction of a second. "Absolutely."

"Good. Because a bigger fall will come farther down the river."

"Oh." I get up a bit, inspecting the water ahead of us, but the next fall must be much farther away, because I can't see anything. The river has changed. There are very few rocks as far as I can see, and the water itself is much calmer. I use this opportunity to take in the surroundings. James was right; this place really is beautiful. On the shore to the left lies a sea of green: oak trees and pines. To the right, the steep canyon wall towers over us, reflecting in the clear water.

"This is the base where we'll camp afterward," James says, showing me a point on the shore farther down. "But we'll go past it. We'll be going lower down the river and then we'll climb back to the base on foot."

"How long exactly is this trip going to last?" Parker asks. "I have a flight to catch."

My throat tightens at his words. I don't want to think about flights right now.

"You'll make it to London all right, Parker" James answers flatly. He pulls aside my hair and leans forward, whispering, "But I'll be more than happy if you don't make it to New York." I'm sure he meant it to sound seductive, but it came out as a plea. I tighten my grip on the paddle and pretend I don't hear him. I think I preferred the river the way it was before, restless and full of rocks. Paddling took much more effort, and there wasn't so much time for conversation. I regret my wish within minutes, when the first rocks appear in sight; they're not like the ones before. They're sharper. More massive. And the water flows furiously among them.

"Ready?" James shouts.

"For what?"

"The next fall. It'll be in about four minutes."

I twist the paddle in my hands, looking ahead of us. A knot starts forming in my stomach as the water propels us forward in savage swirls, the rocks threatening us from both sides of the raft. But the knot isn't one of terror. It's one of anticipation and something else that I don't recognize. Yet as the raft swings us to the very edge and the fall stretches before me, the knot morphs into the light feeling I experienced before, during the last fall. And also, I realize, when I stepped out of that plane. Adrenaline, that's what this is.

And right now, I don't fear it. Not in the slightest.
I welcome it. I want it. How is it that it is always around James that I change? What is it about him that makes me forget my fears and inhibitions, and become reckless?