Lost and Found (38 page)

“You totally get what?” he says in a loud whisper.

I shrug again. It takes some of the edge off my pain to pretend that I’m strong enough to handle this. “I get that you and I are not supposed to be together, that me being here is like aliens landing on our planet, that your people and my people don’t mix. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad about that. It’s just the way the world works.”

“Bullshit!”

Cassie squirms and whines in her sleep.

He leans down and talks closer to my face. “That’s not what’s going on here.”

I tilt my head. “Really? Then what is it? Enlighten me.” I know he’s going to try and find some sort of excuse to make me feel better. He should know I’m tougher than that. I don’t need him to candy coat the truth for me. I steel myself for the pain. Give it to me. Lance through the heart. Blood everywhere. I can take it.

Instead of telling me, he leans down and presses his lips against mine.

Whoa nelly. What the hell? Talk about a rush. Talk about confusing. Talk about hot!

He kissed me on the head before, and he talked about sleeping with me over coffee or whatever … but none of it prepared me for what I’m experiencing right now. Sparks are flying out of me. I’m surprised the room isn’t lit up from all of it and the baby isn’t screaming in her crib.

When he pulls away, I feel dazed. Dizzy. Disconnected from reality.

“What was that for?” I ask, a little breathlessly.

“I just needed to see something,” he says, reaching up and cupping the side of my head in his big hand.

“What did you see?” I stare into his gorgeous eyes, searching for the truth, for some shred of hope that all of this isn’t just in my imagination.

“It’s not something I saw. It’s something I felt.”

“Where?” I look down at his waist.

“Not down there,” he says with a laugh, lifting my chin with a finger. “Here.” He releases me to point at his chest. “In my heart.”

“What did you feel in your heart?” I’m barely able to get the words out. This hurts so much, waiting for the pain that I know is inevitable. We are not meant to be.
This
is not possible.
We
are not possible.

“Hope. Happiness. Lightness,” he says.

“Maybe you have the flu.”

He tips his head back and laughs loud.

Cassie starts to cry.

I sigh loudly. “Look what you did, you big dummy.”

He grabs me into a huge bear-hug. “I really, really like you, Leah.” He separates us and leans back to look me in the eye. “Please ignore my bullshit, okay? I want you here, I just need to get used to going with my gut. You were right. I don’t do it often.”

I smile as his words ease the pain away from my soul. Now there’s just a dull ache left in its place. “I knew it.”

He leans in and gives me a quick kiss before walking over to the crib. “Don’t go anywhere. Just go unpack.”

I look down at my tiny bag of things. I could argue. I could walk out. I could leave without another word and never see him again. I get the impression he won’t come after me; offering me a place to stay was a big stretch for him as it is.

But the truth is, I want to stay. I want to unpack and watch that sweet little baby barf on him some more. I love watching him play daddy. He makes me want to get naked and make some babies of my own.

Oh god. What? Did I just think that for real? Help. Someone.

“Where should I do it?” I ask, kind of lost in my own head. “Unpack, I mean.”

“My room or the guest room, whichever you want.”

I pick up my bag and walk slowly over to the other side of the room that leads towards the hallway that the bedrooms attach to. Should I go left or right? Left will lead me into James’s room. Right will lead me into the guest room. Left or right? Right or left? Sex or no sex? Hard road or easy? Risk or no risk?

My heart heads to the left. My feet angle to the right. I’m such a chicken shit.

“Where are you going?” he says from across the room.

“To the right?”

“Go to the left,” he says. “Please?”

I don’t say anything. I just shift my trajectory and head into the room decorated in deep gray and midnight blue.

Chapter Seventy-Four

THE BABY IS SLEEPING SOUNDLY after my short outburst. I look at her to be sure she’s down for the count before following Leah into my bedroom. Stopping in the entrance, I watch her. She’s standing in front of my chest of drawers, staring into a drawer. Just seeing her in my room makes me feel like opening a window somewhere and shouting to the world. I have no idea what I’d shout, but it would be something good. Something happy.
I’m the king of the world,
maybe.

“You can have that drawer if you want,” I say. “You can have the whole thing as far as I’m concerned.” I’d put my stuff in boxes if it would make her happy and want to stay.

She laughs. “I have four articles of clothing. I’m not sure I need eight drawers.”

I walk over and pull the top one out, scooping up the socks from inside and dumping them on top of the furniture. “Start here and we’ll work down from there.” I shove the socks in with some undershirts.

She turns her bag upside down and we both watch as a few things fall out. They take up a very small portion of the space.

I can feel the heat building between us as we stand here and pretend we’re innocently unpacking her things, not thinking about being in a bedroom together, both of us nervous and full of pent-up sexual energy. The gentleman in me tries to ignore it. The stronger part of me leans in closer.

She turns and we’re just inches apart, her face just below mine.

“You’re standing really close,” she says in a soft voice.

“If it bothers you I’ll stop,” I say, just as quietly. I don’t move, waiting for her response. I’ll do anything she wants. I’m not going to force myself on her, but if she doesn’t tell me no, it is so on right now.

Instead of moving away, she places a hand flat on my chest. “I thought you were regretting your decision to have me over. Now you’re … doing something else. I’m a little confused.”

I stroke her upper arms softly, trying to rub away the pain I obviously caused. “I’m sorry for the confusion. I know it’s my fault. You were right when you said I’m not a spontaneous person. My whole life has been planned out either by my parents or by me, practically since the day I was born. I’m not used to flying by the seat of my pants, but this time I think it’s the right idea.”

“You
think
.”

“Yes.”

“You don’t
know
, though.”

“Is there any way to know anything for sure until it’s over and done?”

“Maybe.” She shrugs. “When will this be over and done? When will you know if you made the right decision?”

I slide my arms down so my hands can rest against her lower back, pulling her slowly against me. “I’m not sure when it will end, but we’ll never get to that point if we never start, right?”

She nods wordlessly.

“It seems like most of our time together has been about hiding that ring or sneaking past one another.”

“We shopped for Cassie. That wasn’t sneaking.”

“No, you’re right. And that’s when I knew that being with you could be fun and happy and … I don’t know … worth exploring.”

“I felt that too.” She smiles for the first time, giving me hope that I’m on the right track.

“What I’d like to do, if you’re into it, is move forward with the idea that you’re going to live here and that you’re going to work with me too. That our lives are going to become one life, lived together. Then we can see if it could work.”

“But we hardly know each other. And you’re not a spontaneous person, you said so yourself.”

“I wasn’t before I met you. I’ve stepped outside my box for the first time in my life, and I have to be honest … it feels good.” I smile so she can see how serious I am. I’m feeling vulnerable, but at the same time, it seems right to be that way with her now. I can’t keep hiding behind the mask I’ve used to get where I am today — alone and lost.

She wiggles in a little closer. “This feels good. I agree with that.”

“But you don’t agree with the rest of it?” Just the idea causes an echo of pain to bounce around inside me.

“I’m not sure. I don’t know if two people who are so different can be compatable like that. Is it even possible?”

I shrug. “Let’s find out. What have we got to lose?”

She looks off to the side, frowning. “Well, I guess I have nothing to lose. I don’t really have a place to live anyway. My job didn’t pay much. And you said I could work part time for you, so I won’t be losing my old job.” She turns her gaze back to me. “I guess I have nothing to lose, but what about you?”

“Nothing.” I don’t even have to think twice about it. “I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying, so I want to try.”

A sneaky smile plays on her lips. “And by trying you mean …”

I grind my hips into hers a little so she can feel my meaning. “I think we might be more compatible than you think.”

“Oh yeah?” She presses her breasts into my chest. “How so?”

Reaching lower, I grab her ass and squeeze, using the pressure as leverage to grind into her some more. “Let me show you.”

“Okay,” she whispers, her eyes closing.

Leaning down, I press my lips to hers. They’re soft and wet, sweet tasting, like she just ate a cube of sugar. I moan with anticipation, knowing that holding out with her is going to be some kind of singular torture.

Her fingers come up and play at the back of my neck, tickling my hair. I slide my hands up her back and hold her tight against me. Every inch of her is laid against me. I want to bury myself in her, smother her with my arousal, feel her squirm and cry out in ecstasy beneath me.

“Are you sure?” she asks me between kisses, whispering against my mouth.

“I’ll go slow,” I say, sensing her fear, her inability to process everything happening so fast. “I want to make you feel so good right now.” This is a new challenge for me, to win a woman’s heart and convince her to stay purely by using my skills in the bedroom. With other women, I’d hope for a quick screw and then an empty bed after, but if she leaves when we’re done, I don’t think I’ll do very well with it. Just the idea makes me feel like I’m living in a hollow world with an empty husk for a heart.

“I already feel pretty darn good,” she says, giggling.

I separate from her just far enough to reach between us. Her blouse has four buttons that I plan to take care of one at a time, carefully, slowly.

After taking one apart, I lean down, pulling the edges of her shirt open to kiss the exposed skin. Her chest heaves with each deep breath. My lips press into the topmost swell of her soft breasts, first the left and then the right. She tips her head back to make it easier for me.

The second and third buttons come undone in quick succession. I kiss her stomach and lick the skin, moving so that I can feel her breast resting above on my cheek.

When my beard stubble scrapes her skin she gasps and then moans. “That tickles,” she whispers.

I take the top edge of her lacy bra with the tip of my finger and pull it down, exposing her right nipple. Sucking it, I bring it to a hard peak and then flick it with my tongue.

“Oh my god,” she says, sounding distressed, surprised.

I know I’m on the right track now. As long as I don’t rush it, I can’t lose. Her body is reacting to my ministrations perfectly. I’ve never been with a woman who seems so responsive and innocent at the same time. The contrast is intoxicating.

The last button has my mouth near her waist. I slowly peel the shirt down from her shoulders and I lower myself to my knees. Looking up, I see her gazing down at me with heavy-lidded eyes. I put my hands on her hips and pull her to me, stopping only when my lips are at the edge of her skirt.

“What are you going to do?” she asks, still whispering. I don’t think her voice is capable of more right now. I know mine isn’t.

“I’m just going to kiss you,” I say, sliding my fingers around to the front and pulling the edge of her skirt down just a little.

I love the way her skin smells, as though she might have put some perfumed lotion on hours and hours ago, but its scent has been replaced by something uniquely Leah. The scent of a very special woman. It’s a drug I want to overdose on. I inhale deeply as I close my eyes and kiss all along the edge of the material.

My finger goes down inside, to the top edge of her panties. She buries her fingers in my hair, massaging in time with my kisses.

With two hands, I pull the elastic waist of her skirt down until it rests just above her pubic bone. She begins to shake, either with fear or anticipation, I can’t tell. Instead of moving on, I wrap my arms around her thighs and look up.

“Too fast?”

She shakes her head. “Too slow.” Her voice quavers. “I’m about to pass out with the waiting.”

I can’t stop the grin from taking over my face. “Then everything is going exactly according to plan.”

She smiles too and pulls my hair in two small fists. “You’re evil.”

Her words feel like a compliment, and the pain from her hair-pulling lights a fire in me. The room goes very dark as I picture four silk ties I have hanging in my closet tying her to my bed. I think it might be time for a little slow torture … the sexy kind.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” I say, yanking her skirt to the floor.

Chapter Seventy-Five

THINGS STARTED OUT HOT ENOUGH, but now that I’m lying on his bed with neckties binding my wrists to the headboard, I’m about to burst into flames. James looks positively demonic the way he’s staring at me as he stands at the foot of the bed. I’m afraid I’m in way over my head with this man. It makes me tremble to think about it. It’s a good kind of trembling, though. Really good.

“What are you going to do?” I ask in a breathless voice.

He pulls his shirt over his head, revealing muscles I had forgotten he possesses. Yum. I think I have a new craving.

“I’m going to make you feel good. I’m going to make you beg.”

I squirm just hearing the words. I’m already there with the begging thing. If he stops what he’s doing I’m going to scream.