Losing Lila (26 page)

Above me was another deck. I skirted the edge of the boat, looking for a way up, and found a little metal ladder. I gripped it tight and scrambled up. Once on the second deck, I flopped onto a cushion and buried my head in my knees, feeling utterly defeated and undone. That’s when I heard their voices. It was Jack and Alex. I tiptoed to the edge of the deck and peered over. They were directly below me, partially obscured by the overhang of the deck.

‘You don’t know that. You’re guessing!’ Jack was yelling.

‘Jack, we can’t trust her.’

‘Who are you to tell me that I can’t trust my own girlfriend?’ Jack said something else that I couldn’t hear. It sounded like a four-letter word. Not love.

Alex’s voice was starting to get louder. ‘Until we know whether we can trust her, you can’t involve Sara in this.’

‘But it’s fine for you to bring my sister into it,’ Jack snapped back.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘You shouldn’t have brought her back here.’

I leaned further over, straining to hear Alex.

‘You think I could have stopped her? You know her as well as I do.’

‘Apparently not.’ I winced.

‘Jack, come on. We had this out already. I’m not explaining myself to you again.’

‘She’s my sister, Alex. You were supposed to be looking after her. Not taking advantage of her. She loves you . . . she says she loves you.’

‘I know.’

I know? That was his answer? What about
I love her too?
What happened to that answer?

‘Do you love her?’

Good question, Jack
.

My hand gripped the railing to stop myself toppling over. I strained so hard to hear that my ears almost bled, but whatever Alex said in reply was muffled by the engine and the wind. I twisted my head and tried to force the wind to move, to go and batter some other boat. I needed silence over here. The wind dropped, but whether that was just us shifting direction I couldn’t tell.

Jack’s voice sounded clearly again. ‘You should just walk away, then.’

What?
I lurched forward then flopped down into a heap on the deck, my legs like worn-out elastic. Why was Jack telling him to walk away? What had Alex said? Had he said no, he didn’t love me?

‘I promised her I wouldn’t leave her,’ Alex said tersely.

There was a moment’s pause. I tilted my head to catch Jack’s answer, feeling myself start to hyperventilate. ‘. . . if you really want to do the right thing now too, you should leave. We don’t need you anymore. It’s not your fight. It’s
my
mum. It’s
my
sister.’

I staggered upright and launched myself towards the ladder. I was going to jump down from the deck and push Jack overboard. Then I’d show him the hundred-year freak wave – see how he could heal from that. But I froze with one foot on the top rung. I didn’t move. I didn’t jump down and throw Jack overboard. Because Alex didn’t love me anymore, so what was the point?

I remained where I was, one leg swung over the side of the boat, immobile, staring out at the ocean, wondering how I was ever going to move again. How I was going to get down in fact. The paralysis was total. Alex didn’t love me. Alex wanted to leave me. He was only staying because he’d promised me – out of a sense of duty not out of love.

And then anger surfaced like a piranha – angry, biting and frenzied. I swung my leg back over and started pacing the deck furiously.

The anger was aimed mostly at Jack – but there were spits of it licking like flames towards Alex. I was mad with him too. What had happened to inviting the ass-kicking? To inevitability? To
I love you
? Why had he suddenly stopped loving me? Because I went back for Jack? Because I messed up his plan? It was so infuriating. What was I supposed to have done? Let the Unit take Jack? What was wrong with him that he couldn’t understand why I’d done what I had?

I was so busy stamping up and down the deck that I didn’t at first notice the wave coming towards us, the wall of water rather – twenty metres high – that had swelled into view. I stopped mid-pace and stared at it, not quite computing what I was seeing. Where had it come from? The rest of the ocean was flat except for the twenty-metre-wide mini tsunami that was headed straight for us.

I had a moment’s elation, wild disbelief, that made me gasp out loud.
I did this. I made this happen.
Then I realised we were all going to drown.

I tried pushing it. I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped the rail, begging God and whoever else might be listening to help. The molecules felt fluid and slippery. It was like trying to grip a greased pole with my hands tied behind my back. I couldn’t get hold of anything. From underneath the roar of the engine I heard someone yell.

I focused back on the wave, now about forty metres away, my panic rising to meet it. I tried to flatten it down, tried to imagine a flat, calm sea and, when that failed, water pouring down a plughole. And suddenly it obeyed, falling under my spell. I drew it downwards, flattening it out like a tablecloth someone had shaken out, and let it float down onto the top of the ocean.

I stood staring at the water, where the wave had been, shaking. How had I done that? I had thought my power was under control and now it seemed I was even more out of control than ever and before had been bad enough. With this kind of power, I could cause natural disasters without even realising it. Maybe I shouldn’t look at the water. I squeezed my eyes shut, stuck my arms out in front of me and stumbled blindly towards the door.

‘Was that you?’

I jumped about a mile at the sound of Key’s voice, almost putting myself into orbit. My eyes flew open. He was standing in the doorway glowering at me.

‘It was you,’ he said, shaking his head at me. He looked out at the ocean and muttered something under his breath.

I chewed my lip. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know how—’

‘Can you control it?’ he asked, cutting me off.

There was no point in lying.

‘Lila, please try,’ he sighed. ‘I’m not so good at the whole steering a boat thing and Alex is too distracted to show me. So, please, it would help me out if you could concentrate on not throwing obstacles like that one in my way.’

I nodded slowly. ‘OK, I’ll try.’

‘Oh, by the way, Lila, don’t get me wrong, the nurse’s outfit works and all,’ he flushed and stammered, ‘if you like that sort of thing, but if you do want to get changed then Alex put some spare clothes in the wardrobe of the master cabin.’

‘Oh, thanks,’ I said, looking down at my nurse’s uniform. It might have worked on Jonas, but it sure as hell hadn’t done a damn thing for Alex. I suddenly couldn’t wait to get changed into something else.

‘By the way,’ I said to Key’s departing back, ‘where are we going?’

‘Marina del Rey, near Santa Monica. Not that I’ve a clue how we’re going to dock a boat this size without anyone noticing us. But that’s where we’re meeting the others.’

He left and I crossed back to the railing and looked out over the now flat expanse of ocean towards the shore. Was Alex going to leave once we got there? How could I stop him? Would he even want to be stopped? Or had he given up on me completely?

I needed to get out of this ridiculous outfit then I’d try to talk to him. He couldn’t leave. We needed him. I needed him. Resolved, I walked through the door that Key had emerged from. It opened onto a huge cabin in the centre of which was a bed big enough for six people to sleep in. There were mirrors along one side of the room, a large flat-screen television, a desk and two armchairs.

I guessed this was the master cabin and walked to the mirrors, sliding them open to reveal an enormous wardrobe, so large it would probably be big enough to contain even Suki’s shoe collection. In one drawer was a neatly folded pile of clothes – underwear, new jeans, a couple of dresses, some sweaters, some tank tops. All in my size, even the underwear. The initial butterfly assault gave way to cramps as I let the silky material slide through my hands.

Then, with one quick move, I pulled off the stupid nurse’s dress and slipped on a pair of grey shorts. I was just tugging a black tank top on over my head when Alex walked in. He seemed surprised to see me, but not pleasantly so. He spun on his heel to leave.

‘Alex,’ I called. ‘Wait!’

He turned round slowly, his eyes darting round the room, looking everywhere but at me. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were here. I was looking for Key.’

‘You just missed him,’ I stammered.

An expression that I couldn’t fathom passed across his face. It could have been longing, it could have been disdain. I felt like I was walking a tightrope, that I was balanced on a moment so fine that if I said or did the wrong thing, I would fall and it would all be over. Alex gave me a nod and just like that he turned away again and walked off.

‘Alex!’ I called after him.

He turned slowly and when he did and I saw the set of his jaw, the hard line of his mouth and the coldness in his eyes, I felt like I’d been slapped.

‘Are you leaving?’ I blurted out.

A shadow passed across his face. He shook his head. ‘No. I promised you I ’d never leave you again,’ he said, his voice strangely flat.

The relief rushed through me like a hit of something illegal. He wasn’t leaving me. I’d got it wrong. But then the rush evaporated. I stared at him for a few seconds. He hadn’t moved from his position by the door.

I took a deep breath. ‘Are you staying,’ I asked, ‘because you promised or because you want to?’

He hesitated, his lips pressing together. And in that moment of hesitation it all became clear, like someone had dropped detergent on the oily mess of my brain. He didn’t want to stay.

I ground my teeth. I wasn’t going to cry. I wasn’t going to cause a scene. It was fine. I could handle this. But Jack was right, if he didn’t have feelings for me anymore, he should just go. In fact, he could go to hell. I didn’t need him.

‘You can go. Just go,’ I said, my voice catching. ‘I release you, or whatever it is, from your promise. You don’t need to stay with me. I’m fine by myself. I can look after myself. I don’t need you.’

As soon as I said the words, I wanted to slap my hand over my mouth. I wanted to press a rewind button. I waited while the seconds stretched out, desperately wanting him to laugh and pull me into his arms, telling me to stop being stupid. I waited for him to whisper in my ear that he loved me, that I’d misheard, and that Jack was an idiot. But he didn’t. He simply nodded in understanding.

‘Look, I’ve got to go help Key,’ he said, his face blank, his eyes shuttered. ‘We’re nearly there and I’m not sure he knows how to dock a boat.’

And he turned, and just like that, he walked away and I crumpled to the floor and started to cry.

‘Boo! It’s only me.’

I sat up from the misery pit I had carved into the bed, and kicked away the barricade of scrunched-up tissues. Suki had burst in on me and was standing like a daddy-long-legs in the doorway, wearing four-inch heels and what looked suspiciously like a designer dress.

‘You have missed me. I can tell, Lila.’ She skipped towards the bed, but halfway across the room I saw her falter. She tipped her head and started to scowl.

‘Why are you crying? Wait!’ she demanded, closing her eyes and resting the back of her arm dramatically against her forehead. Her golden eyes flashed open again. ‘You did
what
? Why would you say that to him? Are you stupid? Are you totally crazy?’

I started to get off the bed. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I wanted to find Demos. We needed to start formulating a plan to get back onto the base.

‘What did she do?’ Nate said, suddenly popping up behind her. ‘What happened?’

‘Lila here broke up with Alex. That’s why he was so moody when we arrived. Not because he was missing you, Nate.’

‘I didn’t break up with him,’ I interrupted.

‘She told him to leave,’ Suki informed Nate as they both took up position on the edge of the bed.

‘Why would you do that?’ Nate yelled, gaping at me like I was mad.

‘Because she’s stupid. And stop that, Nate. Alex is not going to be interested in you now just because Lila dumped him.’ Nate started to protest then shut his mouth.

‘I’m not stupid,’ I muttered lamely.

‘Well, why else would you tell Alex to go anywhere? What will we do for eye candy now? Were you thinking of Nate at all? Were you thinking of me? I think you’re incredibly selfish, Lila.’ She began to pout and Nate put an arm round my shoulder..

But she was right – I was self sh. I flopped backwards onto the bed. The sheets were damp from where I’d soaked them with tears. ‘You weren’t here – I didn’t have any idea of what was going on in his head. I didn’t know what he was thinking. He told Jack . . . well, he didn’t tell Jack . . . I don’t know. I don’t know anything.’

He didn’t love me anymore. I couldn’t say it out loud. Right now I couldn’t deal with processing this fact, not on top of everything else.

‘Of course he still loves you,’ Suki said, rolling her eyes.

I bolted upright. ‘He does? Are you sure? What’s he thinking?’ The relief was like a toxin hitting my nervous system.

Suki pirouetted round to me. ‘He’s thinking about what to pack and what the fastest way out of here is.’

‘What?’ I shrieked.

‘He’s thinking about what to pack and—’

‘I heard you the first time.’ I leapt off the bed. ‘Why’s he packing?’

‘I’m sorry, Lila, are you being stupid on purpose? He’s packing because you told him to leave. I just told you this. Seriously, did the Unit remove your brain or something? You did tell him you didn’t need him. And so did Jack. Why would he stay?’

‘But I didn’t mean it,’ I wailed.

She jutted out one hip and put a hand on it. ‘Is Alex a mind-reader?’ She waited a beat then answered for me. ‘No. And good job he isn’t because he might have left you already if he could hear all the mentalness going on in there,’ she said, pointing at my head.

‘You told him you didn’t need him?’ Nate suddenly yelled. ‘Why’d you tell him that?’ He was looking at me aghast. ‘We
so
need him. How else are we going to rescue your mum?’