Losing Francesca (20 page)

"It did," I say as I stare at his mouth. Oh, the things that mouth did to me last night were incredible. And that was probably nothing compared to what he's capable of. I lick my lips and then find his eyes. "What?"

"You're staring at my lips."

"Yeah," I confess. "I am. I'm thinking about what a great kisser you are. Delivered the perfect kiss, in fact." I drag my eyes back up to his and shrug. "Maybe you should just do it again so I can stop thinking about it?"

"Yeah," he says, taking my hand. "Nice try. Your dad is right over there."

"He won't care," I mutter, still lost in my dream about Brody's lips. I drag my fingertips up his arm and caress his shoulder. It's firm, and it contracts a little as my touch dances over his t-shirt. "He's giving me a horse that costs as much as a house, I'm sure he won't care if I'm kissed properly by someone I really like."

"Is that so?" His eyes dance just like my fingers and then he leans down and touches his lips to mine, gently at first, and this only makes me want him more. Desperately. Want him. Then he presses his whole body up against me and cups my face in both hands. The pitchfork I'm holding drops to the floor with a loud clang.

His hands have me, he holds me, and I look up and then my eyes fall closed for good as I start to sink down, my knees buckling with the way he melts my body and makes my muscles go weak. And he slides us over to the wall and leans back. The wall is holding us up as we kiss.

He pulls away, his forehead touching mine as we breathe into each other, our hearts beating with the unspoken desire, and it's almost too much.

"No," I whisper. "Don't stop."

"Fiona," he says as he kisses my brow, my nose, my cheek, my chin, my lips. "Fiona," he says again. "Please."

I wait for him to finish but the word just sits there between us.

"Please what?" I breathe, tipping my head up to search his eyes.

"Please." He stops again.

"Tell me," I beg.

"Please do not walk away from me again.
Please
."

And I want to tell him,
That wasn't me!
I never walked away, I never did anything! And I would never, ever, walk away from you
. But I can't even make those words form in my mouth. Because maybe that girl was me. And maybe if I walked away once I'll do it again.

That's pretty much what I do.

That's pretty much
all
I do.

I walk away from everyone.

And my dad just told me yesterday that he's on his way to pick me up. He's on his way to walk me right out of here.

Away from my new house, my new room, my new family, my new horse, my new boyfriend.

And I'll never see them again.

I want to say all that and be honest, but I have only been taught to deal with confusing and scary things in one way. I have one defense mechanism to help me when I'm exposed.

"I'll never walk away from you, Brody.
Never
."

Chapter Thirty - Brody

I hear the words coming out, but the look on her face says something else entirely.

"Fiona," I say as I hug her a little tighter. "Just tell me what's going on. I swear, if this stuff is secret, I can hold it in. Just don't lie to me. If you know you're leaving, then just tell me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm here. I'm in. I just don't ever want to have that feeling I had back when you were taken before."

She swallows hard but stays silent.

"Fiona," I whisper as I lean into her neck. "Please do not disappear. Say goodbye, at least. If you're going, just say goodbye."

She rests her head on my shoulder and sighs. "I don't want to go, but I'm afraid I'll have very little choice in the matter, Brody. If my father shows up, it will be legitimate and it will not be negotiable."

"How long?"

She tilts her head up at me and shrugs.

"Take a guess."

"Fiona's birthday. I still think he'll wait it out and let me walk away."

"And will you? Walk away on your birthday?"

She shakes her head. "No. If he waits that long, I can't see myself walking out. I can't."

"And he knows this, doesn't he? So he won't wait that long, will he? He knows who you are, he knows you're Fiona, just like we know you're Fiona. And even if you can't accept it one hundred percent right now, deep down you know it as well."

"Brody, he can't afford to break any laws here, he can't. And he'll never get me out of the country by force. He has to do it legitimately."

"Fee, the Canadian border is sixty fucking miles across the lake. We could be there in an hour if we booked it. An hour."

"And then what? He can't just sneak me out of Canada, either. I'm telling you, he won't do it that way. If he comes it will be because he's got all the cards in his favor and if it was that easy to stack the deck, he would've done it before I got sent to live with the Sullivans, not after. So, let's just forget about this for now, OK?"

I look away and she put a gentle hand on my chin to try and make me look at her.

Tires on gravel and the thrum of a diesel engine break us away from our embrace. "Well, looks like that horse is here. Let's worry about this later, huh?" I smile at her even though everything inside me is coming apart.

She leans up and kisses me softly on the lips and I wrap my arms around her and kiss her back just as gently. "If you leave this time, I'll never stop looking. I'll get on a plane and fly to Bora Bora and then I'll go looking for you on every island that is reasonably close by until I find you."

She laughs and pulls away, taking my hand in the process. "God, Brody, seriously, don't do that, OK? It's private, we have like, big, nasty weapons that blow up boats if people try to come ashore."

"He's a drug dealer, isn't he?"

She shakes her head and laughs. "No, he's not. Now stop, let's forget about it for now. We can talk more tonight if you want."

I know nothing about horses, but this one looks average to me. She's black with a white face and four black legs and one white hoof. She's got a weird pattern of dots on her ass that looks like a web. Frank says they're called birdcatcher spots. Like I said, she's a horse. So when Fiona tells me how much this animal is worth, I almost choke. How in the world could a horse be worth a hundred grand? It blows me away.

And what blows me away more is the fact that this thing is a gift.

For Fiona.

But I like that part so much I can hardly explain it. It fills me all up when Frank reveals that little bit of information. Somehow, some way, we have turned this girl around. A few days ago she was running for her life through the woods, so scared out of her mind she could barely think straight. And today she's not only happy and joking with Frank, but she's excited as well.

And she keeps sending me little looks.

Looks that say,
I miss your lips.

I privately enjoy this as I stand out of the way. I have absolutely nothing to contribute to this day at all, aside from gawking at this girl I have loved since she was a toddler. She is Fiona. I know this. I know this so thoroughly, it's not even an option that she's not her any more.

She and Frank discuss this animal like professionals. After all the paperwork is signed and the truck drives out the back entrance, Fiona walks the horse up and down the driveway as Frank studies her gait. They talk about hooves, and legs, and backs, and all kinds of shit that makes no difference to me.

A saddle appears and they fuss with the horse gear for a while, adjusting straps and pads endlessly, and then Frank slaps a helmet on Fiona's head and buckles a vest around her upper body that looks like it can take a bullet. He lifts her up by the knee in one smooth motion and she settles on the horse's back like riding and walking are the same thing. Then she begins to move the horse in circles.

I watch everything she does. She's like a dancer on the back of that horse. But when she takes that beast over a fence that looks to be five feet tall or more, I about die. "What the fuck is she doing?" I ask Frank. "That cannot be safe!"

Frank turns his head to me as Fiona gallops that horse around a corner and comes back for another try. "She's good, huh?"

"She's good?" I have no fucking idea if she's good or not. All I know is that this shit looks pretty fucking dangerous. "I think this is over, have her get off, it's making me nervous."

Frank laughs at me but he whistles and waves her back to us. Both her and the horse are breathing hard as they approach.

"Holy mother!" Fiona laughs. "She's so much fun! I love her!"

I look over at Frank and it's like he's in heaven. Like his whole life just completed and he can die happy now. "OK, now what? I had no idea you people are daredevils on horseback. I think the horse is tired and needs to rest up. Get off her, Fiona."

Fee laughs again, and then, before I can even understand her movements, she's on the ground in front of me. I clearly have no idea what this horse business is about at all, but I have a new appreciation for how dangerous it probably is for us to ride our dirt bikes down the back road when people are doing this shit.

"Walk her and bathe her, OK, Fee? I'm going to go in and call my friend and let him know how it's going then we'll take photos of all her identifying marks."

Fee. He called her Fee!

He knows too. This girl belongs to us and this little display just proves it. Fiona leads the horse over to a concrete slab that has a drain in the middle of it and ties her up, then removes all her gear and puts that away in a small room inside the barn. I follow her around, listening to her chat endlessly about this horse as she walks her in circles to cool her off.

I could kiss that friend of Frank's right now. This horse was a brilliant move. I think Fiona has forgotten all about her other life on a tropical island that is not too far from Bora Bora.

"You wanna help me wash her, Brody? Or do you have to go back to work?"

She must be on drugs if she thinks I'm leaving here to go back to work. "I'll stick around," I reply casually.

She hands me the hose and then turns the water on. "Spray her down and I'll get the sponges. I saw buckets and stuff in the tack room."

The spray comes out in a gentle mist and the horse actually snorts out a sigh when the water runs over her back and down her legs. Fee appears with some soapy buckets and begins scrubbing her with a smile on her face.

"You're happy, huh?"

She looks over at me and her eyes are sparkling in the sunlight as the grin makes the corners lift up a little. "I've had two perfect days in a row, how lucky am I?"

"Lucky," I say. "Two whole good days? That's unimaginable."

She laughs and goes back to her scrubbing.

"Didn't you have good days on your island, Fee? I mean, you make it sound like this is weird, to be so happy."

She stops to look at me for a moment. "I had lots of happy times, but it was different. I don't know how to explain it really. I live in paradise, on an island surrounded by water that is so clear and blue, it makes you gasp for breath. I spend my days and nights sitting on a beach. My mom and I go shopping in Tokyo and snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef when we get bored. We sometimes take a private jet to Bora Bora for dinner."

She stops to let this sink in.

"
Dinner
, Brody. We get dressed, helicopter over to the main island, get on a jet, and fly to Bora Bora for
dinner
. Sometimes we stay the night at the hotel villa, but more often than not, we get back on the plane and go home." A laugh comes out as she thinks of this. "So, yes. I've had a lot of happy moments in my life. My life is wonderful. I could never ask for anything else."

"But?"

She inhales deeply and lets it out slowly. "But it's not really
my
life. I can't explain it, it just feels so…
planned
. And nothing I've done since I got caught in LA has been planned. It was scary at first, but looking back it was something else too. Everything right now is variable, it's exciting, and unpredictable, and dangerous, and fun, and new."

I feel that heat inside me again. The heat that fills me up as I watch her and listen to the words spill out of her mouth.

"I love this life," she finally sighs. "I love this life. I'd like to get to know it better, actually. I'd like to have a chance to explore what it means to live this life and then be asked, for once, what I'd like to do with myself."

"What
do
you want to do with yourself? You were headed to college, right? What were you gonna study?"

"Marine biology. I was enrolled at UC San Diego."

"You still are, though, right? Enrolled there?"

"Yeah, but that's over now." She shrugs it off like it's no big deal. "It'll never happen. My college name has been compromised, the whole thing is over. And I have no school records in my real name, so I basically don't exist at the moment. I have no proof of what I've been doing for the last eighteen years. I have no medical records in my name, no transcripts, or test scores, or travel records, no awards, or letters of recommendation, or friends, or even the most basic acquaintances. Because none of those people know the real me. And none of them would ever trust me again if they knew the lies I've told. I'm no one."