Lord Protector (13 page)

"So you have given up trying to change me?"

"Utterly. You are as frozen as the northern mountains, and just as distant. You may as well be as distant in body as you are in mind."

"You would prefer it that way?"

She hesitated, plucking at the sheets in agitation. "No. I would prefer you to be with me because you wanted to, and to enjoy my company a little."

"I do not dislike your company, or you. And I am here now... because I want to be."

"That is a cruel jest."

"It is not a jest." He walked closer. "Do I look like a damned court buffoon? Or one of your primping fops?"

"No, you look very much like my cold-hearted husband, but your words are not ones he would ever speak."

"I seem to recall speaking words that were even more important to you, some time ago now, and I have not rescinded them."

She gazed at him. "And yet, I have come to realise that even if you meant them, you have no intention of ever showing me the slightest affection."

"Did I ever promise you that?"

She looked away. "No, but I hoped -"

"That once I had spoken those words, I would somehow change into a loving husband?"

"Only that you might be able to show your feelings. Now I know you never will, and I cannot bear it. I even wonder if those words were a lie."

He cocked his head. "Do you now? If you are so utterly convinced that I am a monster, how can you claim to love me?"

"I do not know. It is not something I can control."

"So why do you reject the very thing you long for?"

She looked down at her twisting hands. "Because if it is all a lie, you are making a fool of me, and a mockery of our marriage."

"Our marriage has always been a mockery. So you think I am here to torment you with more lies? Do you think me so cruel?"

"Then you admit that it was a lie?"

He sighed, raising a hand to rub his brow. "That is not what I said."

"Then what was it? If it is true, say it again."

He came closer and sat on the edge of the bed again. "I have not denied it."

"Because I lived for those words, and you do not want to be Regent."

A slight smile curved his lips. "And you told me that you would accept anything, so long as I did not rescind them, and I have not."

"Nor have you shown me one iota of affection, even when I begged you to, so why should I believe you have had a change of heart?"

"I am here, am I not? What other possible reason could I have for coming to your room at night, other than to talk to you." He took her hand, his fingers caressing it. "Gestures of affection are alien to my nature, but I have resolved to try to be more... approachable, as you wish."

She stared at him in stunned disbelief, then her tears overflowed to run down her cheeks. He tightened his hold on her hand in an inept attempt to comfort her, but she jerked free and rolled off the bed, clutching her white satin nightdress to her neck. "Get out!"

Blade stood up, confused. "Why?"

"Get out!" She swept up a pottery vase and hurled it at his head. Blade ducked, and it smashed on the wall beyond him. He shook his head in puzzled annoyance, his brow furrowing in a thunderous scowl.

"What is the matter with you?"

"I do not believe you! You are a liar! I have just grown used to the idea that there can never be anything between us, and now you try to torment me with false promises!"

"I -" Blade whipped around as the doors in the sitting area beyond crashed open, and two guards galloped into the bedroom with drawn swords. They gaped at Blade, and, after an apologetic glance at the flushed, furious Regent, almost fell over each other in their haste to leave. Blade glared at the empty doorway, then turned to face his irate wife.

"What game are you playing?" His eyes narrowed. "You have spoken to Kerra, have you not? What did that stupid girl tell you?"

"Your queen, Blade! You should show her some respect!" She picked up a heavy glass figurine and hefted it. "Yes, she told me about your conversation, how you think my longing for your affection is merely a wish to own you. It is not! I am not ashamed of my love for you, nor do I expect it to be returned simply to satisfy some shallow need for vindication or to stop the pitying looks I receive every day. I do not care what they think!"

"She should not have told you that. She had no right to interfere between us." Blade turned away, raising a hand to rub his brow, then ducked again as the figurine whistled past his ear and hit the floor beyond with a terrific crash.

"Get out!" Chiana shouted. "I want nothing from you!"

Blade straightened, frowning. "If you truly loved me, you would not question the reasons for my visit, only be happy that I have decided to give you something of what you wanted from me, as much as I am able."

"No, I would have accepted you on those terms only if I had cared for nothing but to own your attentions. Then I would not have cared about your motivations."

"And what do you think those motivations are?"

She hesitated, fingering a gold candelabrum. "I have yet to solve that riddle, but in time I will."

"I am sure you will come up with some plausible reason, and doubtless Kerra will aid you in that endeavour. She is trying to come between us, Chiana."

"There is no us! And why would she want to do that?"

He sighed. "It pains me to admit it, but during our time together she developed a... an infatuation for me. Probably because I was her protector and mentor, nothing more. She may think I will be more amenable to her designs if you reject me."

"She is a child!"

"She is a young woman."

Chiana swung away, staring blindly at a tapestry. "She would never do anything to cause me pain."

"I am sure she did not think it would. Most likely she thought you would be well rid of me."

"Then why did you say it?"

Blade ran a hand through his hair and turned to scan the room for a bottle of wine. Finding none, he went over to a cabinet and pulled open the doors, discovering a carafe of port and two cups. "I am not going to tell you while you are preparing to hurl that candelabrum at my head."

Chiana moved away from the mantelpiece with its stock of ammunition, rubbing her arms. "Is it so terrible?"

He shrugged and poured a cup of port. "It is what I believe."

"How could you? Have not fifteen years of faithfulness and devotion proven my love for you?"

"No. As far as I know, you wed me to gain the status to become Regent, and you took vows of celibacy at our wedding. You are a priestess. You could do nothing else."

"But I have told you -"

"Words are cheap." He sipped his port. "They could be lies."

Chiana marched over to him and swung a right hook at his head, which he ducked, slopping his wine. Blade cursed, then retreated as she came after him, her face filled with rage.

"How dare you?" she shouted. "How can you accuse me of lying? You bastard! You are the liar, not I!"

Blade reversed around a chair with difficulty, almost tripping on a rug, then backed into the wall with a soft thud. Before he could escape sideways, Chiana gripped his jacket and pinned him against it, thrusting her face close to his.

"Why would I lie? Tell me!" Her eyes overflowed again, and her face twisted with anguish. "Why do you not believe me? What would I have to do to prove it to you?"

He eyed her, frowning. "Throwing things at me does not help."

"Damn you, Blade, do not try to fob me off! Answer me! Tell me the truth now, even if you never speak it again!"

Blade hesitated, then put the cup of port down on the table beside him. His hands slid up to her throat and closed around it, his fingers caressing her skin with a feather-light touch. He leant closer, and she raised her face, her breath catching, wondering if he was about to kiss her, and longing for it. His soft, silken voice broke the tense hush.

"You want to know the truth? Then I shall tell you. Because you rejected me. I rode for tendays, wounded, to arrive in Jondar in time to save you from the Contara assassins Endor sent. I almost died in the attempt, and again protecting you. And what did I receive in return? Not even a word of thanks. I avenged Inka's death and saved your life yet again, and you refused to see me."

His hand rose to brush a lock of hair from her brow. "That was cruel, little dove, and it only makes sense if you do not love me as you claim. I understand that. I am exactly what you have just called me. A cold, heartless monster. A killer, my hands forever blood-stained. No one could ever love me. Not even my own sister, who once did, could love me when she learnt what I am. How can you?"

His hands dropped to her shoulders, and he thrust her away, broke her hold and sent her stumbling back.

Chiana stared at him, aghast. "You believe that?"

"I know it."

She raised her hands to cover her mouth, her face twisted with anguish. "You are so wrong." She shook her head. "You are such a blind fool. I do not care about that."

He made a vicious gesture and headed for the window, clearly intent on quitting the situation. Chiana ran to overtake him and block his path, forcing him to stop.

"Get out of my way," he said.

"No. Listen to me." She stepped closer and touched his chest. "Love does not judge what a person has done. It is blind. All that matters is who you are."

"I am a killer."

"No, you are an assassin. But even that is what you are, not who."

"Same thing, in my case." He tried to go around her, but she stepped into his path again.

"No, it is not."

"Then what? Is it my helpful nature? My scintillating personality? Perhaps it is my joyful demeanour or my boundless compassion." He cocked his head. "I am a monster, as cold as the northern mountains and just as distant, remember? I make no excuses, nor do I try to be something I am not, although I was prepared to try, for your sake."

"I do not know why I love you, but I do, and your sister was wrong to reject you."

"No, she was right. And at least she was honest in the end, although she sought to deceive me too. How can you try to keep up this pretence when you cannot think of one reason for it?" He stepped around her and headed for the window.

Chiana grabbed his sleeve and yanked, pulled him off balance and swung him around. "The truth does not need to be proven. Only a lie requires reasons. The truth merely is."

"How trite. A little while ago you were accusing me of lying, and throwing pots at my head. Now you are begging to be believed simply because you say so? You did not accord me that privilege, did you?"

She hung her head. "No. I know you too well, and I have come to accept you as you are."

"But you did not want to see me, as I am. You even thought me capable of coming here to toy with your feelings. My faults are many, but cruelty is not one of them, and I would not waste my time on such exploits."

"I thought you were doing it to make me pay for refusing to see you."

"Nor am I petty," he snapped.

"But you are vengeful."

He smiled, in one of his mercurial mood swings. "I did not consider that slight worthy of vengeance."

"Then why would you, who have no feelings, want to give me, whom you thought claimed to love you only out of a wish to own you, the affection I wanted?"

"An excellent question, but one I am not prepared to answer."

"Because you do not believe I love you."

"Precisely."

She shook her head helplessly. "And how do you suggest I prove it to you?"

"I do not know."

"Then we are at an impasse."

"So it would seem." He headed for the window again.

"Wait! Do not leave now. Let us talk about this."

He paused to glance back. "There is nothing more to say."

"There must be. We cannot leave it like this."

"Why not? It is no worse than it ever was. You think I am a lying bastard, and you are right. I have told a lot of lies, so I cannot refute it, can I? You have resigned yourself to your lot, and I have never tried to be anything other than what I am."

"A heartless bastard."

"Precisely."

After a moment of tense silence, Blade turned and walked to the balcony. Chiana watched him disappear into the darkness, her heart filled with pain. As soon as she was alone, she sank down on the bed and wept.

The next morning, after Chiana's maidens had done their best to hide the ravages of a sleepless night spent weeping, she sent for Kerra. When the young Queen arrived, Chiana stood by the window, gazing out at the fresh, green-budded spring garden. She listened to the approaching rustle of Kerra's skirts until she stopped behind her.

"Chiana? Is something wrong?"

"Blade visited me last night."

"He said he was going to see you. What did he want?"

"He claimed that he wished to spend time with me, to give me some of the affection I have craved for so long."

"After what he told me? Why would he do that?"

Chiana turned. "He would not say."

Kerra's eyes flicked over the regent's face. "He upset you. I told him not to. You poor thing." She stepped closer, reaching for Chiana's hands.

The Regent snatched them away. "You told him not to visit me?"

"He always upsets you, and you said that you dreaded seeing him again."

"I also said I wanted to see him anyway."

"Yes, but what good does it do? I was trying to prevent this from happening." Kerra gestured at Chiana's tear-ravaged face. "He treats you abominably. You deserve better."

"So, you still think I should refuse to see him?"

"More than ever."

"Is that why you told me what he said to you, so I would be angry and suspicious when I saw him?"

Kerra frowned, looking puzzled. "I thought you deserved to know, that is all."

"Even though you knew it would hurt and upset me, the very thing you claim you wished to avoid?"

"I thought it would spare you greater pain later on. You were already angry with him, is that not why you refused to see him?"

"Partly." Chiana swept past the girl and made her way over to the table that held a bottle of wine and two cups, pouring herself a cup. "Mostly, I wanted to make him angry, to hurt him with my rejection and thus stir his emotions. I thought he would discover that he really wanted to see me, and I was even foolish enough to dream that he would come to my bedroom at night to speak to me, perhaps even to profess his love for me. Is that not supremely stupid?"