Looking Through Windows (15 page)

She took a deep breath as she dialed Ann's number. Her heart was beating fast as she heard Ann's voice answer.

"Hi there," Emily said, trying to sound casual.

"Emily!" The warmth in Ann's voice caught Emily off-guard. "When did you get back?"

"Just now. We were wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner."

"I'd love to. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Emily resumed her potato peeling and casually said, "She's coming over." Mrs. Gundlach smiled.

Within a few minutes the doorbell rang. Emily opened the door and was left breathless at the sight of Ann's beautiful smile.

"It's good to have you back," Ann said as she stepped inside and gave Emily a long hug. Emily held her tightly in return, inhaling her perfume.

As Ann stepped back and looked at Emily, she exclaimed, "Look at your tan! You look great." There was an intensity in her eyes that made Emily's stomach flutter.

Emily suddenly realized something was missing. "Hey, where are your crutches? Are you allowed to walk without them already?"

"Don't need them anymore," Ann said as she took off her coat.

They went into the kitchen where Mrs. Gundlach gave Ann a hug in welcome.

"Papa!" she said as he came in the back door, "Look who's home!"

"Miss Emily, we were lonely without you," he said, his blue eyes twinkling. "And Miss Ann, it's good to see you again, and no crutches I see."

Ann and Mr. Gundlach set the kitchen table as Mrs. Gundlach and Emily finished the meal. Mr. Gundlach quickly built a fire in the kitchen fireplace, its cheery crackle adding background noise as they sat to eat.

Most of the conversation was initially provided by Emily as the others wanted to hear about her week. She talked about the conferences she had attended and how much she had enjoyed the beach and the sunsets. "I also made a new friend," she added, keeping her eyes on her pork chop. "She showed me around and introduced me to some of her friends. It was nice to have people to spend the evenings with." Cursing herself, she felt her face and neck blushing. She looked up to see Ann watching her with the same intensity she had noticed earlier. She deftly changed the focus of conversation by asking Mr. Gundlach about the animals. She was glad to divert her attention to the Gundlachs as they chatted animatedly.

Later, as Ann washed the dishes and Emily dried, Emily worked up the courage to ask, "So when did Paul leave?"

"He left Monday evening, the day we had lunch," Ann replied.

"Really?" Emily stopped and looked over at her. "I had the impression he intended to stay a few days longer."

Ann shrugged. "I guess he changed his mind."

"Is everything okay between you two?" Emily asked.

"Yes," Ann said, looking up at Emily. "It's just that things are different between us now."

"Different how?"

Ann turned her attention back to the plate in her hand. "I just don't feel the same way about him, that's all."

Emily felt like shouting, but restrained herself.

"Tell me about the person you met in Florida," Ann said quietly.

Emily quickly considered how much to tell Ann, but decided she had to be honest. Whatever happened with Ann had to be based on complete openness with one another. "Her name is Laura. She's a physician assistant, and lives in Tampa." Emily paused, not sure where to go with this.

"What does she look like?" Ann asked, still keeping her eyes down.

"Blonde short hair, tanned, athletic. She's attractive," Emily answered truthfully.  She wasn't sure why Ann was so curious about this.

Ann tried to keep her tone light as she asked, "So, is this becoming something serious?" Although she told herself it didn't really matter, her stomach felt as if someone had punched it.

Emily put down the bowl she was drying and said, "Come sit down with me for a few minutes." Ann dried her hands, and joined Emily at the table. They sat facing the fire, both of them staring at the flames.

Emily explained, "Laura's initial contact with me was an obvious pickup. She came to my table, flirted with me and asked me out." She paused for a moment. "I wanted to just have fun with someone I wouldn't have to see again. I wanted to let go and not worry about falling in love. And part of me really wanted to have sex." Ann couldn't help but smile. Emily continued, "Laura was attractive and attentive and fun to be with. We had dinner and danced; we went for walks on the beach. And she indicated that she was willing to provide the sex." Emily took a deep breath. "But when it came down to really letting go with her, I couldn't do it."

There was a long silence.

"Because of Caroline?" Ann asked.

"No, Ann." Emily closed her eyes. "Because of you." She finished barely above a whisper.

Ann's heart felt as if it would burst. She started to reach out to take Emily's hand, but stopped, afraid. She looked at Emily's beautiful profile, and remembered her whispered words, "I love you." Her fear melted away, and she placed her hand over Emily's. Emily's eyes fluttered open and looked down unbelievingly at Ann's long fingers wrapped around hers. She lifted her eyes to Ann's and was almost knocked over by the intense blueness.

Emily recalled Laura's advice to tell Ann how she felt. She took another deep breath, and turned back to the fire. "Ann, I want to tell you something and I want you to listen and not say anything." She paused to find the right words. "When Caroline died, I felt nothing beyond my pain. It filled me completely. Eventually, I became numb. That was how I coped and how I've lived the past four years. Not until I met you did I have the slightest desire to open the door to even a deep friendship. The thought of falling in love again had never entered my mind."

Emily stood, wrapping her arms around herself. Ann waited patiently. "I hope I don't offend you when I say this, but I am in love with you." She turned to look at Ann whose features were highlighted by the firelight. "I know this must be totally foreign to you. I don't have any expectations. I just needed to tell you how I feel. I value your friendship more than you know, and I promise I won't do anything to make you uncomfortable."

Emily turned back to the fire. Ann waited a moment, then asked, "Can I say something now?"

Emily smiled and nodded. Ann stood to join her in front of the fire. "A couple of weeks ago, I told you, here in this kitchen, that I found myself drawn to you in a way I didn't understand. The real reason Paul left was because he felt he was in the way."

"Of what?"

"Of you and me." Ann diverted her eyes to the fire. "He said it was obvious that I was in love with you."

There was a profound silence in which the crackling of the fire sounded like gunshots. Emily's heart felt as if it had ceased to beat as she waited.

"Are you?" she whispered.

Ann closed her eyes, and shook her head. "I was so surprised when he said it, I didn't know what to think. I told you before that I wasn't sure what I felt. But I spent this past week trying to sort out my feelings, thinking about what it would mean to be in love with you, to be involved in a relationship with a woman."

Emily waited silently, giving Ann a chance to choose her words. "I knew after everything you've been through, you would probably have a hard time trusting the feelings of someone who's never been in a gay relationship, who might be tempted to run back to a man the first time things became unpleasant."

Emily couldn't help smiling. It was so like Ann to first consider whether her decision would hurt someone else, rather than simply acting on her feelings. She placed a hand on Ann's shoulder and turned her so that they were face to face.

"Are you?" she asked again.

Ann's eyes were a blue-gray in the firelight. Emily felt she was looking into Ann's soul.

"Yes," she said simply.

Emily pulled Ann into her arms, and held her so tightly her arms trembled. "Oh, Ann," she whispered, "you have no idea how I've longed to hear you say that." A tear squeezed out of her eye.

"You don't know how long I've waited to find the one I could say it to," Ann whispered back, newly aware of the softness of Emily's cheek on hers and the pressure of Emily's body against hers.

Neither of them was sure how long they had been standing there holding one another when they heard Mrs. Gundlach call, "Girls? Would you like some pie for dessert?"

Startled, they stepped back, smiling at each other. "That sounds good," Emily replied. They helped Mrs. Gundlach bring pie and coffee to the living room. As they were enjoying the delicious cherry pie, Mr. Gundlach suddenly got up and went out to the front porch. He was back in a few seconds.

"How would you like to go for a sleigh ride?" he asked with his twinkling smile.

"Really?" Ann asked. "I haven't been in a sleigh in years."

"I've never been," Emily said.

"Well, get dressed, and we'll harness the mares," he said.

Everyone bundled up in warm clothes and headed out to the barn. Mr. Gundlach gave instructions for harnessing the huge, gentle Percheron mares, Molly and Snow. Ann talked in a low voice to Snow as she put her bridle on. Listening to her, Emily and Mr. Gundlach smiled at each other as they pulled the sleigh into position and fastened the harness to the stays. Mrs. Gundlach brought heavy wool throws from the house and placed them in the sleigh. Greta sniffed and inspected everything, walking freely under the mares, who gazed at her placidly.

Soon they were seated with the Gundlachs in the front and Emily and Ann in the back seat. Mr. Gundlach clucked to the mares and they pulled the sleigh out into the snow. The soft shush of the runners blended with the muffled hoof beats in the quiet night. Snow was still falling in large airy flakes, and the half moon cast a silver glow on everything.  

Under the wool throw, Ann reached over for Emily's hand. As their fingers twined together, Emily wondered if she were dreaming. Twenty-four hours ago, anything more than a friendship with Ann had seemed like a fantasy. She looked over to find Ann watching her. As their eyes met, the pressure of their hands increased.

Mr. Gundlach guided the horses down the road to an open gate allowing entrance to a large pasture with scattered trees. At the rear of the pasture was a barely discernible road cut through the trees. The moon shadows of the bare branches rippled over them as they glided by underneath. The horses seemed to be enjoying the outing also, trotting along smartly through the deepening snow. Greta bounded alongside. Mr. Gundlach began telling stories from his childhood, of rides with his family all jammed into the sleigh for trips to town for supplies in winter. They laughed as he recounted some of the mischief he and his brothers got into.

Warmed by the laughter and the camaraderie, they were all surprised to find themselves approaching the house almost an hour later. As they worked together to unharness the horses, their breath hung as clouds of vapor. Once the horses were bedded down with warm rugs draped over them, the humans and dog all headed back to the house. They left their snowy boots on the back porch and padded into the warm kitchen in their socks. Mr. Gundlach stoked the fire while his wife made hot chocolate. They warmed up inside and out. Ann and Emily both glowed, but it had nothing to do with either the cocoa or the fire.

"Oh gosh!" Ann exclaimed. "I hadn't realized the time! It's after eleven. I'd better be going."

"Why don't you spend the night?" Emily offered. She immediately wondered if Ann thought the invitation was based on other motives.

Ann smiled. "That sounds like fun. It'll be like old times."

They cleared away the dishes, and punched the logs down, closing the fireplace doors, and then headed upstairs. Emily got out a big t-shirt for Ann to wear, and went to the bathroom first to give Ann time to change. After Ann had washed and brushed her teeth, she rejoined Emily in the bedroom.

In the dim glow from the bedside lamp, Emily looked even more tan. Ann climbed into bed and sat beside Emily, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She realized how unsure she was of how to proceed. She raised her eyes to find Emily smiling at her. "What?" she asked, blushing.

Emily's smile broadened. "I've finally got you in my bed," she teased.

"You had me in your bed for a whole week," Ann reminded her.

"Yes, but you were lame. I couldn't take advantage of you when running away wasn't an option," she grinned.

"How chivalrous," Ann quipped, one eyebrow raised.

Emily's expression became serious. "On that note, there is something I want to talk to you about." She reached over and took Ann's hand in hers. She traced the delicate tips of her fingers. "You are so incredibly beautiful," she said, distracted from what she had wanted to say. "I hope you don't mind my saying that. Your beauty is one aspect of who you are, but it's not why I love you."

Ann smiled and reached out to touch Emily's cheek. "I don't mind your saying it. Hearing it from you is the only time I have felt truly beautiful." She traced the shape of Emily's lips. "I hope you know how beautiful you are also." She placed her fingers under Emily's chin and gently brought Emily's mouth to hers. She was stunned by the softness of her lips. They kissed slowly, deeply, getting to know one another.  "Oh, Emily," Ann whispered weakly, resting her forehead against Emily's. "I never imagined a kiss could feel so gentle and so intense at the same time."