Looking Through Windows (12 page)

"Bye."

Emily knew that Ann knew her too well to be convinced by her excuses, but she needed to do this. She was also glad to know where they were going so she could be sure to avoid running into them. Emily met the others at the restaurant. By now, they had all become much more comfortable with each other. None of them was shy any longer about speaking in each other's languages, offering gentle corrections when needed. They had a good time, but the waitress was thoroughly confused with Sato speaking French, Emily speaking Spanish, French and German, Heinrich and the others speaking interchangeable combinations of Spanish, English and French. The other patrons smiled in amusement at the overheard bits of conversation.

Following dinner, they decided to go to a nearby bar with live music. Emily opted to go along. As they were walking to the bar, Emily heard her name. She turned and saw Ann with her crutches. She hadn't realized they were walking past the Tavern where Ann and her parents were just leaving. A tall man with very short blond hair joined them. He had stubble of two or three days' growth of beard.

"I'd like you to meet Paul Bayliss," Ann said, watching Emily carefully. "Paul, this is a good friend of mine, Emily Warner."

Emily groaned internally and extended her hand. Paul smiled a broad smile, and Emily could see why Ann had liked him.

"Emily," Lise called out, "nous voyons
."

"Oui, je suis," she replied, waving them on.

"Paul just got back from Africa," Ann explained.

"Welcome home, Paul," Emily forced herself to be friendly.

"Emily," Owen said, stepping forward, "can you join us for a drink?" He placed a hand on her shoulder. The expression in his eyes was not one Emily could discern; was it quizzical or concerned?

"Thank you, but my colleagues are waiting for me," she said. "Have a good time. Paul, it was nice meeting you. Ann, I'll see you later." Emily's eyes met Ann's, and for an unguarded instant, everything she was feeling was in her eyes. Emily immediately got her emotions back under control.

She turned and walked quickly toward the bar where the others had gotten a table and ordered drinks. She ordered a glass of Bass Ale and tried to forget Ann and Paul. Three Basses later, she was dancing with Enrique. The band was great, playing an eclectic mixture of faster songs, slow ballads and reggae. They finally left at one in the morning.  As the group split to go to their cars, Emily realized she was in no condition to drive and decided to walk. The air, frosty and clear, felt good after the smoky warmth of the bar.

She listened to the quiet as she walked down streets lined with trees whose branches rattled in the light wind. The moon seemed very bright in the night sky, illuminating the clouds. When she got to the Gundlach house, she sat on the front porch steps.
'Why did I allow this to happen?'
she asked herself. But when she pictured Ann's face, and the look in her eyes in the kitchen the other night, she knew she couldn't have helped loving her.

She finally went in, undressed and crawled into bed, hugging Ann's pillow closely.

Chapter 18

S
aturday morning, Emily forced herself out of bed at nine. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, then got dressed for a run. As she exited into the chill air, she realized a run wasn't likely the way her head felt. A brisk walk would have to do.

She couldn't know that at that moment, she was the subject of a conversation between Katharine and Owen as they drove home. When they had left Emily the evening before, they had opted to forego the drinks and return to Ann's apartment. After a little more conversation, Ann had insisted that her parents sleep in her room. She would wrap up in a blanket on the other bed for which she had never brought sheets, and Paul could have the sofa. Now, after a quick breakfast, Owen and Katharine were on the road, having left Paul to continue his visit with Ann.

"How did you read the situation yesterday?" Owen asked.

"Emily's demeanor changed as soon as Paul's name was mentioned," Katharine said. "I felt horrible. I could have waited to tell Ann about Paul's call."

Owen reached for her hand. "Maybe it's just as well. Paul wasted no time in getting up here. I have a feeling he's serious about Ann. I don't think Ann would deliberately play games with Emily's feelings, but this visit just may clarify things for her."

"I hope you're right." Katharine shook her head. "Poor Emily looked as if she were being tortured meeting Paul last night."

Owen chuckled. "You have to admit, it's interesting watching Ann fumble about between the two of them. How many times can she tell Emily that Paul has just returned from Africa?"

Katharine slapped his arm. "You're awful." She squeezed his hand. "I wouldn't go back to those days for anything."

"I know what you mean, Kath," Owen said affectionately, pulling her closer to him.

Emily meanwhile wandered in various directions and found herself at the park in town. It was deserted at this time on a cold Saturday morning. She climbed to the church belltower and looked out. She hadn't been there since… she remembered only bits and pieces of that day. It seemed so long ago. She ached to feel Ann near. She considered calling or stopping by. She knew she should leave Ann alone, but she soon found herself walking toward her apartment.

As she approached the mansion's parking lot, and was still obscured by parked cars on the street, she saw Ann and Paul leaving the building. He helped her up into the Toyota, and they drove off. Emily felt numb inside. She turned blindly and began running, ignoring the pounding in her head. At some point, she remembered she had left her car in town. She ran to where she had parked it. When she climbed in, her deep, fast breathing fogged up the windshield. As she waited for the defroster to clear the glass, tears began falling despite her efforts to stop them. At this moment she wasn't grateful to be able to love again. All she was aware of was the hurt. By the time the windshield was defrosted, a cold half icy drizzle had begun to fall.
'Even the sky is crying,'
she thought with small comfort as she drove home.

Chapter 19

B
y Sunday, Ann was feeling very antsy. She didn't want to be rude, and it was good to see Paul again, but she needed to study. Tomorrow she would be returning to classes, and she wanted to be prepared. To her dismay, the icy drizzle which had begun yesterday had turned into a severe ice storm, and driving was not possible, so she couldn't even escape to the library.

Finally, she told Paul that she had to get some studying done. He, as always, was unperturbed. He pulled a book off Ann's bookcase and settled in a chair to read while she studied. She smiled. One of the things she had always liked about Paul was his easy-going attitude. When they were in Africa, no plan ever went smoothly, but Paul always stayed calm and found an alternative solution. He was completely accepting of cultures and customs that were not his own. He readily tried strange foods and new activities. The villagers had enjoyed introducing Paul to new experiences because he was such a good sport. He had been honest and genuine with Ann. She wasn't accustomed to either. Men were usually so busy preening and strutting to be sure other men knew she was with them that she often felt she was caught between stags in rut. Paul had never been like that. He seemed oblivious to everyone else when he was with her, but not in an obsessive way. He had been a gentle lover, always as aware of her pleasure as his own. She had seriously considered what marriage to him might be like. She felt she could be content married to him, but she wanted more than contentment. Her friends had told her she was crazy when she had described him upon her return from the Peace Corps.

All this ran through her head as she tried to study. When she was finally able to concentrate, the hours went by quickly. Paul got up and went into the kitchen. Ann was vaguely aware of noises, but it wasn't until the aroma of coffee and omelets came from the kitchen that she realized he was cooking dinner.

"Hope you're hungry," he called out from the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"I am, too," she said, pushing her books aside as he brought plates and silverware to the table. The plates were each loaded with a huge omelet. He went back to fetch mugs of coffee.

"This is great," she said between bites. "Thank you so much."

"No problem," he grinned. As they ate, he told more stories of events in the village after she had left. They laughed at some of the misadventures and became somber as he told of the deaths of several people Ann had become close to. Despite the efforts of the volunteers, life was still harsh. AIDS was rampant and other diseases that were easily treated here could kill there.

After dinner, they settled back to watch television. Ann wondered what Emily was doing. She was surprised at how much she had missed her since Friday. Well, she'd see her before her French class tomorrow. Paul moved closer and slipped his arm around Ann. She allowed herself to be pulled closer and tried to relax, but found that she couldn't. She wasn't sure why, but it didn't feel right. It felt less right when Paul kissed her. His kiss was as gentle and familiar as it had always been, but she pulled away after a moment. He didn't push. When it was time for bed, she said goodnight and left him with the guest room.

Monday morning was slow going. There were still several icy places on the roads and parking lots. Ann walked carefully, using only one crutch now, her book bag over her shoulder. Paul was going to wander around town until lunch when they would meet at a small café close to campus. It felt good to be back in class, much easier than studying on her own had been. She handed in assignments to her professors and got copies of lecture notes from classmates.

As her last class of the morning ended, she began walking toward the café. The sidewalk she was on had not been scraped well and was still icy. As she placed her crutch down, the tip slipped out from under her, and she fell. She reached over to gather her books, which had flown out of her bag when she suddenly found Emily there helping.

"You know, this is the third accident of yours I've witnessed," Emily observed with a weak smile. "Are you always this graceful?"

Ann smiled, her eyes searching Emily's face.
'She looks tired,'
Ann thought. "I guess I need someone around to keep picking me up."

Emily held Ann's bag, and helped her to her feet.

"Are you all right?" Emily asked seriously. "You didn't hurt your ankle, did you?"

Ann gingerly moved her foot around and tried putting weight on it. "It seems to be fine," she pronounced. "Once again, the biggest bruise is to my ego."

"Well," Emily handed Ann her bag, "I'd better be going."

"Can you join us for lunch?" Ann asked. "Paul is meeting me at the campus café." Before Emily could respond in the negative, Ann placed a hand on her arm. "Please, Emily. It would mean a lot to me."

Ann's eyes were a very deep blue. Emily was torn. She didn't want to hurt Ann, but she felt raw and exposed.  Ann's pressure on her arm increased a little.

"All right," Emily acquiesced.  "At least let me carry your bag before you break something else."

Ann laughed and handed Emily the bag. As they walked, Ann talked about her first morning back.

When they entered the café, Paul was there reading. He stood to greet them, giving Ann a kiss on the cheek, and shaking Emily's hand with a firm grasp. Ann related her mishap on the ice while Emily said very little. After they had ordered, a difficult task for Emily, since she wasn't even sure she could eat, Paul told them about the shops he'd wandered into during his morning's exploration.

"And what do you do?" he asked Emily, leaning forward.

"I'm teaching while I work on my doctorate," she replied. He wanted to know more, and despite herself, Emily found him easy to talk to. Ann interjected where she felt Emily was being too modest. When Emily decided she had spoken enough, she asked Paul, "What about you? What are you going to do now?"

"Well," he said thoughtfully, "after all that I saw in Africa, I think I've decided to go to med school. I'd like to go back someday when I can do more to help."

"Paul, that's wonderful!" Ann said, placing a hand on his arm. Emily unconsciously rubbed her own arm where Ann's hand had rested a short time ago.

The conversation for the remainder of lunch wandered from topic to topic. Finally, Emily needed to leave for class, and Ann needed to study for an exam in her own French class. Paul planned to go for a swim at the natatorium, and said he'd see Ann at the apartment later. He shook Emily's hand again with a barely perceptible nod of his head.

Emily took Ann's book bag for her again and carried it as they headed for Whitmore Hall. They walked in a strained silence. Emily just wanted to get away. She didn't want to hear how great Paul was, or how good it was to see him again. Ann felt Emily's distance, but wasn't sure how to bridge it.

When they got to Whitmore Hall, Emily gave Ann her bag. "I'll see you later," she mumbled and went upstairs to get her notes.

Ann found an empty classroom where she could study, but found it difficult to concentrate. Her relationship with Emily felt different, something had shifted. She told herself she was imagining it, but she knew nothing had felt quite the same since lunch with her parents.
'That's not true,'
she realized when she thought about it,
'it hasn't been the same since my last night at the Gundlachs', since she said she loved me.'