Long Way Home (18 page)

         “Hey,”
he said softly, slowly lifting his head.  She didn’t speak, just locked
her gaze on his and again brushed her fingers through his hair.  “Do you
need anything?”  She shook her head slightly.  “OK...you’re going to
be all right, baby,” he assured her.  “Are you hurting?”  She again
shook her head but a tear rolled down her cheek and even in the darkened room
he could see it.  He raised her hand again to his lips.  “It’s going
to be all right, Tess.  You’re safe now.”  Her hand tightened in his
hair and then she closed her eyes;  it wasn’t long before she was asleep
again.

         He
got up and paced over to the window, looking out over the parking lot and
fountains on the front grounds of the hospital.  His thoughts drifted back
to that night by the waterfall.  They lay spent on the blanket and began
to daydream about the house they would build there.  He still had the list
they made and decided that when she was released, he would get the ball rolling
on building that house.

         The
door opened and Nurse Linda came in to check her vitals and IV.

         “You
aren’t resting,” she said to him.

         “I was. 
She woke up briefly a few minutes ago.”

         “Ah,
that explains the blip we got on our monitors.  Did she say if she was in
pain?”

         “She
shook her head when I asked.”

         “It’s
almost time to give her another dose,” she said, “Doctor Roberts wants to give
her time to heal a bit before we start scaling back the meds.”

         He
nodded.  “I agree, but I know she hates feeling doped up.  She rarely
even takes Tylenol.”

         “Likes
to keep her wits about her, huh?”

         “She
rarely even drinks much.  Hazards of the job.”

         “All
the more reason for you to get in that bed and get some rest of your own.”

         “Yes,
ma’am,” he chuckled lightly.

         When
she left, he crossed over to the bed and leaned down to place a soft kiss to
Tessa’s brow.

         “I
love you, Tess.  Come back to me.”

         The
road back from Hell was never as easy as the one that led you there in the
first place.  Tessa knew that truth better than most.  She’d been to
Hell and back several times in her life.  The first time was when she and
her mother pulled their lives together after years of abuse from her
father.  The second time was when she crawled out of the nightmare that
was her life in Afghanistan.  She supposed now was the third time, and
though she’d already been through enough to try the patience of a saint, this
time seemed insurmountable.

         She
felt completely drained and empty.  Shell-shocked.  She’d woken last
night in a drugged haze to see Shane sitting by her bedside, asleep with his
head resting on her bed.  When she touched his hair and he lifted his
head, she could see the silvery tracks of tears on his cheeks and it nearly
killed her.  Shane McCanton was
not
a crier.

         It
was early morning now and she knew Shane was still beside her though she had
yet to open her eyes.  She could feel the warmth and energy his presence
created in the room.  A nurse had come in not too long ago and announced
that the doctor would be in shortly on his rounds.  She wanted to be awake
for that meeting and she didn’t want Shane in the room when she spoke to the
doctor.    The pain was so intense, however, she was afraid
she’d pass out before the doctor came.  To try to keep herself awake, she
opened her eyes and reached out to Shane.

         “Shane,”
she whispered, surprised at the weakness of her voice.

         “Hey,”
he said immediately, leaning forward and gently stroking her hair, “there’s my
girl.”

         “What
time is it?” she asked.

         “Little
after six.  Do you need anything?”

         “Are
Nathaniel and Paul in custody?”
      

         “Paul
is.  Nathaniel is in protective custody here at the hospital.”

         A
sharp jolt of fear shot through her before she could stop it.  “He’s
here?  In the same hospital with me?” she asked and watched alarm spread
across his face when her machines registered her elevated heartbeat.

         “He’s
cuffed to the bed, there are two cops on his door, two cops outside your door
and I’m here.  You are safe, baby.  He can’t get to you.”

         The
door opened and the doctor and a nurse rushed in.

         “Tessa?
What’s going on?” the doctor asked, pressing his stethoscope to her chest.

         Her
eyes left Shane and met the doctor’s gaze.  “I need to speak with
you...privately.”

         “Of
course,” he replied.

         “Sergeant
McCanton, could you step outside a moment?” the nurse asked.

         “Yeah,
OK,” he said, standing.  “I’ll be right outside, Tess, OK?”

         She
nodded but didn’t speak.  He leaned down to kiss her brow but stopped when
she couldn’t stop the cringe his nearness produced.  He flinched but
offered her a sad smile as he pulled away from her and walked out.  Tessa
waited for the door to close, then met the doctor’s direct gaze.

         “What
are my injuries?”  She listened quietly as he listed them out
matter-of-factly.  “I know I was raped and I certainly know it was
brutal.  Prior to that, I was just beginning to suspect that I might be
pregnant.”

         The
doctor was quiet a moment and she felt a squeeze to her heart.  This was
the elephant in the room.  The thing no one wanted to tell her.

         “The
assaults caused tears in the uterine wall, which, unfortunately, led to a
miscarriage,” he said directly.

         She
sucked in a deep breath, released it slowly.  “So I was pregnant.” 
It was a statement rather than a question.

         “Approximately
six weeks.”

         She
closed her eyes and fought the tears that were gathering.  “Does anyone
else know of this?”

         “Your
mother, your supervisor and your fiancé.”

         “Oh,
God,” she cried softly.

         “I’m
sorry, Tessa.  Even if I hadn’t told him, being law enforcement, he would
have discovered this in the reports.”

         “I
know,” she whispered, then shook herself.  “Anything else?”

         “There
was significant damage to your uterus.  We repaired two large tears that,
combined with previous scarring, I’m afraid may make carrying a pregnancy to
term impossible.”

         She
looked up at him through her tears.  “Are you saying I won’t ever be able
to have children?”

         “I’m
not a specialist, but what I am saying is that carrying a child to term may
prove difficult.”

         She
was unable to stop her tears from falling and reached up to swipe at them
angrily.  She’d lost Shane’s baby.  How could he ever forgive her?

         “I’m
going to have Linda give you more pain medication.”

         “Can
we hold off for an hour or so?  I need to talk to a few people and I need
my wits about me to make it through these conversations.”

         “Are
you sure?  I know your pain must be off the charts.”

         “It
is...but I need to do this.”

         “OK. 
Linda will come back in an hour, all right?”

         “Sure
thing, doc.  Thank you.”

         When
they left, she had just a moment to collect her thoughts and take a deep breath
before Shane, her mother and Gib walked in.

         “Hi,
Sweetie,” her mother said, kissing her brow.

         “Hi,
Mama, Gib,” she replied, her voice sounding tired even to her own ears.

         Shane
leaned down to kiss her but she again shied away from him.  She watched
the alarm spread across his face from the corner of her eye.  She hated
what she was about to do but for his own good, she knew she needed to let him
go; he deserved a chance to have children of his own.

         “Are
you hurting?” her mother asked.

         “All
over.  There’s nowhere that doesn’t hurt.”  

         “You
should have more pain medication,” Gib said.

         “The
nurse is coming back in a bit,” she offered.

         “I’ll
go see what’s taking so long,” Shane said, turning to the door.

         “That’s
fine.  And go on home once you do,” she said coolly.

         “What?”
he asked over his shoulder.

         “Go
home, Shane.  I don’t want you here.”

         “Tessa!”
her mother gasped.

         Shane
turned back to her, confusion marring his brow.  “What’s going on, Tess?”

         “You
left me,” she bit out.  “You left me alone with those monsters when I
needed you.”

         “Tess,
I...my dad...”

         “You
left me!” she yelled.  “You were gone for weeks and they raped me!”

         “Tessa
Nicole!” Mary gasped.  “That was not Shane’s fault and you know it!”

         “He
said he would never leave me but he did and they hurt me.”       

         “Tessa,
I...”

         “Go!!!
Get away from me!  You make me sick!  It’s your fault!  It’s all
your fault, Shane McCanton!!!”

         He
stumbled back a step as if she’d struck him, his face pale, and as she regarded
him, she felt a huge part of her die inside.  Tears stung her eyes but she
knew she had to finish this.  She loved him and knew he deserved better
than to be stuck with her.

         “Get
out and don’t come back.  Ever!!”

         “Tessa!”
Mary cried.

         “GO!!!!!”
she screamed.

         Shane
walked backward to the door then with one final, shell-shocked look to her, he
was gone.  She grabbed her stomach and tried to breathe through her tears
but it was like all the air in the room left with Shane.  Nurses came
running in and cleared her mother and a stunned Gib from the room.  Tessa
caught sight of Shane sitting on the floor across from her door just before the
sedative the nurse injected into her IV knocked her out.

         Over
the next days and weeks, Tessa refused any contact from Shane.  She
refused his calls.  She returned his engagement ring via Gib.  She
stuck to her story of blaming him to her mother, but in a moment of weakness,
confessed the real reason to Gib.

         “Don’t
you think that was Shane’s decision to make?” he asked her.  She hadn’t
wanted to go back to Indian Springs upon her release, so Gib offered to let her
stay at his beach house in Cabo San Lucas for as long as she needed, where they
were now, along with her mother.  One good thing had come from her ordeal
- Gib and her mother had fallen for each other.  They were inseparable
now.  Tessa was thrilled.  Her mother deserved to be happy and it was
obvious that Gib was head over heels for Mary Kelly.

         “He
would have stayed with me, Gib, I know that...but it wouldn’t have been fair to
him.  The McCanton’s are one of the ruling families of our hometown. 
He’s his father’s only son and he has no male cousins.  The McCanton line
could end with him.  How could I let him risk that?”

         “You
could be perfectly healthy and only have girls.  You aren’t being fair to
him, Tess,” he said bluntly, “and you aren’t being fair to yourself.”

         She
looked out over the bright blue water and shook her head.

         “I
didn’t want to take that chance.  You’ve been around me.  I can’t
stand to have anyone touch me other than you and Mama.”

         “It’s
only been three months.  You can’t expect to come out of a trauma like
that without some adverse effects.  You have to give yourself time.”

         “I
know.  I’m so screwed up, I just don’t think it would be fair to ask
anyone to deal with that.”

         He
fell silent for a while and they sat listening to the waves.  They could
hear Mary in the kitchen preparing dinner, and Tessa knew her time to talk
freely with Gib was running out.

         “Please
don’t say anything to Mama about this.  She loves Shane and she would be
all over me to go back to him.”

         “He’s
back in Indian Springs now, you know.  The town council wants him to take
over for his dad permanently.  He’s considering it.”

         Tessa
sighed and shook her head.  “That would be a waste of his talents.”

         “And
what you’re doing now isn’t a waste of yours?” he asked pointedly.

         “Maybe...but
I can’t go back to that life, Gib.  You know.  You retired because of
all this.”  

         He
offered a soft smile.  “Well, that was part of the reason...not all.”

         At
that, Tessa smiled, too.  “Have I told you how happy I am for you both?”

         “A
few times,” he chuckled.

         “Well,
I am.  You both deserve to be happy.”

         “As
do you, kid.  Don’t forget that.”

         “I’m
happy that the two people I love the most are happy.  That is enough for
me.”

         “For
now,” he supplied.

         Her
eyes turned back to the ocean and she let out a deep sigh.

         “For
now,” she confirmed.

         Her
mother and Gib soon went back to Indian Springs.  Tessa stayed.  She
took a job as a bartender on day shifts at a beach bar.  It was mindless
work that kept her busy and prevented her from thinking too much about anything
else but the next drink order.  She’d resorted back to her Army days of
evading men’s attention, and other than the hours she was at work, she kept
primarily to herself.

         Months
went by, each one melting into the next.  Tessa barely even noticed. 
Her mother and Gib came to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. 
Every time, Mary would mention Shane, and every time, Tessa would change the
subject or walk away. 

         Nightmares
plagued her and it was when they were visiting at Christmas that Mary and Gib
learned how bad they’d become.  On Christmas Eve, Mary and Gib were jolted
awake by a blood-chilling scream.  They flew to Tessa’s room to find her
writhing on the bed, sobbing and calling for Shane.  Mary climbed onto the
bed and pulled her sobbing daughter into her arms, desperate to calm her.

         “This
has got to stop,” Mary told Gib while she rocked Tessa in her arms.  “Tessa
has always been strong.  This isn’t her.”

         “Don’t
talk about me like I’m not here,” Tessa said, her voice raw from her screams.

         “Then
stop acting like you aren’t part of the world,” Mary snapped back at her.

         “Mama,
please, I don’t need a lecture right now.”

         “Well,
too bad, because the “Oh Poor Tessa Party” has gone on long enough.  It’s
time you came home and joined the rest of the world again.”