Living With No Regrets (6 page)

When they arrived at the ranch, his ma and pop were sitting in the swing on the porch waiting.  He had called to let them know he was bringing Randy to meet them.  Being the excited, outgoing boy that Russ was getting to know him as being, Randy hopped out of the truck and ran up to the porch to introduce himself to his newfound grandparents.  Randy was just like him when he was little.  Nothing scared him, and anything new was something exciting to be tackled head on.

As he got out of the truck himself to follow his son, his mom looked at him as Randy was hugging her with all his might.  Her eyes were shining with her unshed emotions in the afternoon light.  Randy was showing off the drawings that he’d shown Russ one by one on the way.  She led him inside and Russ joined his father on the porch.

That sat in silence for a few minutes before he asked Russ how it went.

“To tell the truth, outside of meeting that awesome little boy, I don’t really know.”  Russ let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.  “I went spewing things out of my butt instead of thinking, and then we didn’t talk much after that.”

“What did you say?”

“I was already pissed because, on the way there, I heard that the school was giving Leigh a hard time about signing Randy up to start.  They don’t know he’s mine, but even so…No kid should suffer for the slights of their parents, and that’s what it seems is going to happen.  Anyway, when I walked up, Leigh was assuring Randy that I would love him.  She was telling him about me, and it wasn’t bad or vindictive like I figured she would have done.”

“Son,” His pop paused as if trying to think about what to say.  “Leigh never was that kind of girl.  Maggie and I grew up with Robert and Mary Leigh.  They came from good stock.  Their families raised them to be good, God-fearing people, and they raised Leigh up to be just the same.”

“I always thought so Pop, until she cheated on me.  I never would have thought she’d do something like that.”

“But you never asked her side of it.”

“What could she have said?  That she didn’t mean to?  That it was an accident?” Russ huffed out a laugh and looked back out at the setting sun.  “Kerry had been a witness.  We all know that Bill wouldn’t have thought twice about taking something of mine.”

Randy came running back out and jumped on Russ’ lap.  “Daddy!  I helped Gramma cut the vegibelsh and now she shaid that Grampa would take me to see the horshies!  Can I ride one?”

“I’m sorry, Son.  That’ll have to wait until this weekend.”  When Randy’s face fell, Russ hurried on.  He hated disappointing his son; especially on his first day having him and getting to know him.  “Grampa and the other hands have already groomed them and have got them settled in for the evening.”

“That’s right.” His father said.  “Maybe your momma will let you spend the whole weekend here and we’ll get you saddled up and you and your daddy can go camping by the pond we have.”

Randy looked back up at Russ with hope glimmering in his whole expression.  “Can we, Daddy?”

“As long as your mom says it’s okay.”

“She will.  She shaysh I can do anything as long as a adult watchesh me and itsh not dangerish.”  He hopped down and started pulling on Grampa’s hand to get him up to go to the stable.  As they walked down the porch steps, Russ got up to follow them, but his dad stopped him.

“Go on and get washed up for dinner.  I think your ma might want to talk to you a bit.”

After going in to shower and change for dinner, as he did every night, Russ went back into the dining room to set the table.  His mom came in and sat down at her seat and motioned for him to do the same.

“The chicken’ll be out of the oven in a few minutes.”  She let out a breath and shook her head slowly like she was tired, but then she smiled at him.  “There ain’t no doubt that that’s your boy.  Looks like you, acts like you did, and talks like you did when you lost your front teeth.”

“So you think his speech will get better when his teeth grow back in?” 

“Of course, Honey.  I think all kids get a speech impediment when they are young and losing teeth.”

“I was kinda worried cause of Uncle Jessie.”

She looked at the worried expression on his face and laughed.  “Russell, your uncle is legally deaf.  He can’t hear himself speak.  That’s the reason he sounds like he does.  He is just very good at reading lips.  Jessie hated being treated like he was diseased when he was a kid in school because he couldn’t hear, so he worked real hard to learn how to read lips and speak so he could seem normal.”

“I never knew that.”

Russ’ mom fiddled with the placemat under her plate and concentrated on that as she spoke again.  “Sometimes, when something is wrong with someone, or something has happened to someone, they feel like they have to work extra hard at hiding whatever it is.”

He knew she was hinting at something, but didn’t understand what it was, unless… “Ma?  Is something wrong with you or Pop?”

“No! No.  Your pop passed his last set of tests with flying colors.  And there ain’t nothing wrong with me.”

“Then what’s with the cryptic message?”

“It’s about Leigh.”

“What about her?  Is she sick?”  Russ actually felt panic start to rise at that thought.

“Well, since you’ve finally asked, I feel I can tell you.  I don’t know much, but what I’ve gotten from Mary Leigh is that breast cancer runs in her family.  Her words ‘were all of the older women, and now the newer generation’ have battled it.”

“Are telling me Leigh has breast cancer?”

“Not now.  About three months after Leigh moved she was diagnosed.  All I know is that she had to wait a while and get tested again to find the best treatment possible.  They were confident afterward that they had removed it all.”  Now tapping her fingers on table – which Russ knew was a nervous gesture - she continued.  “After Leigh left, Mary Leigh and I had a small argument.  She was talking about how heartbroken her daughter was.  I asked her how she thought you felt; you’re the one Leigh did wrong to.  I had raised my voice to her – first time I ever did that – but she just answered in her calm, quiet way seeming sad.  She said that she had made a promise she was not willing to break, but if you see a picture of a man and woman hugging, you’d think they were close in some way, but in reality, one person pulled the other into that hug.  Hearing that, you’d look more closely at the picture and see that the woman had her arms by her side and she was looking the other way.  She was not participating in the hug.  I saw the picture, and I think you should take a closer look.  Suffice it to say that now I have my doubts about what’s going on in that photo.”

“Why didn’t you tell me all of this sooner?”

“The subject of Leigh was taboo.  If I had even mentioned her name, you wouldn’t have listened.”

Russ admitted, if only to himself, that she was right.

Just then the oven timer went off, so Maggie patted his hand and went into the kitchen to finish up the meal.  It left Russ sitting there thinking.  She started talking loud so he could hear her from the dining room.

“Oh yes, I forgot.  Randy found a letter Leigh had written you mixed in with his drawings.  He was happy ass a clown when I found room for some of them on the fridge.  I put some on the wall in your house.  I put the letter in your room on the nightstand.”

After he took Randy home, he was going to get that picture out from his nightstand drawer and look again.  He hoped to find something different he hadn’t noticed before.  He prayed that his hope wasn’t in vain.  The way Mary Leigh said that about the hug…he prayed she didn’t mean what he thought she did.

Leigh opened the front door to reveal Russell carrying a sleeping Randy.  She couldn’t help the smile that slipped onto her face as she saw her son in his father’s arms.  Randy had been waiting forever to meet his dad, and she was happy that everything was going good for him.

“Would you like to carry him to his room and tuck him in?” she asked Russell quietly so as not to wake Randy up.

At his nod she led him up the stairs to Randy’s room.  Walking in and over to the side, she watched as Russell took it all in as he walked to the bed.  Leigh went to the dresser and pulled out Randy’s pajamas and went to dress her sleeping child.  Russell just stood off to the side looking around at all of the pictures of himself, in the different stages of his life that decorated the walls and surfaces of the room along with the drawings of a house with a family.  All of the drawings had a mother who had all the coloring of Leigh, a father that resembled himself, and a little red headed boy.

As they left the room and descended the stairs Russell asked if they could talk for a moment, so Leigh led them into the kitchen.  Mark was just finishing up some hot cocoa and had already fixed himself and Leigh a mug.  When he saw Russell, he fixed one more without a word and then left them alone to talk after kissing her cheek.

“What exactly is his job title?” Russell asked her, sounding merely curious rather than upset or condescending.

After a moment where Leigh looked at him while drinking her cocoa, trying to determine the motivation behind the question, she finally answered.  “He is a full partner in our company.” she said quietly.  “It’s called Simple Designs Web Planning.  I do the website construction, Mark does the graphic designs.”

“He seems to be more than just a business partner.” Russell replied.  “Y’all seem to be very close friends for him to do as much as he does around here for both you and Mary Leigh.  When did you two meet?”

“Not long after I moved.  We were both going through some hard times and became instant friends when we met.  Mark is my best friend; the brother I never had.”

Leigh watched as Russell just stared at his mug for a few minutes.  She figured he was working up to something, so she just waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts.

Finally he looked up, and to her, he seemed so sad, yet confused.  “What happened…why…” he seemed to fight for the words he wanted to say, but he seemed to decide to go a different route.  “My mom just told me today that you had gotten treatment for breast cancer.  Were they able to get it all?”

She knew that he was going to ask about everything that had happened and was glad that he’d changed his mind.  Leigh had worked hard to put the past behind her – and was having difficulty doing that for other reasons - but didn’t think she’d be able to talk about it.  When she had told Mark and Charles what all had happened to her, she’d broken down and gone into a depression that only ended when Randy had developed croup and she had to spend every waking minute trying to help him breathe better, be able to eat, and to help him get sleep.  It had taken thirty something hours of steamy bathrooms and boiling water to create a steamy environment and no sleep for her except for in increments of a few minutes at a time as Randy would sleep.  By the time Randy was over the worst of it, she was fine again.

“Yes, they got it all.” she said in answer to his question.  “I was diagnosed while I was pregnant with Randy, so I had to wait until he was born to get treatment, but obviously it was worth the wait.”

“You went into remission?”

“Yes.” 

Russ didn’t notice the slight hesitation in her answer, but he did notice as she tilted her head and looked at him warily.  He had to tighten his hold on his cocoa to keep from reaching over to just run his fingers over her cheek as he used to.  God, she was so beautiful, he thought.  So lost in looking at her, he didn’t quite catch what she said.  He cleared his throat and asked her to repeat what she’d said.

“You were so angry when you got here this afternoon.  What has changed that?”

He thought about it for a minute and then shook his head.  “I don’t really know.” he answered slowly.  “I had been trying to find ulterior motives for you coming back, and then for you just now letting me know about Randy, but I couldn’t come up with anything that made since.  And then I manned up, at least to myself, and owned up to that fact that I am to blame in missing these years too.  If I had opened just one letter that you’d sent, then I would have known.  For the first time since it all happened, I’m not angry.”

Leigh nodded and smiled a sad smile.  Russ knew that he was the reason, at least one of the reasons, behind that sadness.  “Something I’ve learned is that life is too short to waste time on regrets.  Everyone has done something in their past that they would change if they could.  But the best way to live is to concentrate on making today the best day you can so when you look back tomorrow, there will be no regrets.  You know the saying…something like: the past is gone, the future is not guaranteed, so live your life to the fullest today?  I don’t know…I think it is something like that.  The more I prayed the more that saying popped in my head, so I took it as my message from God as to how to live a good life.  That’s all I can do and that’s the most valuable thing I can give Randy and Mama and Mark.”

“You really didn’t change, did you?”  He gave her a genuine smile.  Stuff like that – what she’d just said – was the reason he had fallen in love with her so long ago.  His smile slipped as the original question he’d wanted to ask popped back into his mind.  “What happened back then?” he whispered; afraid of the answer.

Leigh stood up and grabbed both empty mugs and walked to the sink to wash them.  Russ could see the stiff tension in her body that wasn’t there the moment before.