Living With No Regrets (3 page)

Mark was of two minds on the subject.  On one hand he knew that the man had a right to know he had a son, but on the other hand, he was the one refusing phone calls and not opening any of the mail she sent him.  Leigh had told Mark that he had no room to judge Russell, because he only knew Leigh’s side of it.  He didn’t know all of what had made a man so in love with someone humiliate her and turn everyone else against her, as he’d done.

Looking at his watch after hearing the announcement that the flight he had been waiting for was landing, Mark realized it was ten minutes late.  When he saw Randy and Leigh coming his way, he knew he’d been right.  Leigh was sick.

“How was the flight?” he asked as soon they reached him.  Mark picked Randy up, but he immediately squirmed to get down so he could hold Leigh’s hand.  Leigh kissed Mark’s cheek as he grabbed her carry-on bag.  “Did shorty here get to have the window seat?”

“I shat there, but the plane got too high, sho Momma changed with me.”

Mark listened as Randy rambled on and on about their trip, but couldn’t stop glancing periodically at Leigh.  He was saddened by how much weight she’d lost and how different she looked just in the week that he’d been down in Pine Grove. 

He would make sure she got the rest she needed and was stressed as little as possible; considering one of the first things she was going to be taking care of while being here was confronting her past.

*****

“He’s finally asleep.”

Leigh had just put Randy to bed for the night, and she joined her mom and Mark in the kitchen for some hot chocolate.  Since Mark had come early, there was not much for her to do; everything was all set up.

“Did you schedule us in to talk to Doc Kennedy tomorrow?” she asked.  She wanted to talk to the doctor herself and make sure her mother wasn’t trying to downplay how serious the cancer was this time.  The doctor happened to be Russell’s Uncle.

“Yes, but he’ll just tell you the same as he has me,” Mary Leigh sighed.  “Just like last time, he feels like with removing the tumor and radiation, that it will kill off the new cancer with-out me losing…”

Putting her hand over her mother’s on the table, knowing why she had paused in what she was saying, and Leigh just smiled.  “I just want to hear for myself.  For my piece of mind.”

“Will you let the doc look you over?” Mark asked.

“No Mark.  I’m fine.  I just had all the tests done last month, you know that.”

“I know by looking at you that something ain’t right.  You’re not telling me something.”

“Look Mark,” Leigh was getting exasperated with having to explain to him.  Especially in front of her mother; who had enough problems of her own.  “I
am
okay.  Right now my focus is on Mom and the situation with Russell and how to handle that.  Anything else can and will wait.”

Mark clenched his jaw in effort to drop the subject, but Leigh knew it was taking every ounce of self-control he possessed.  He didn’t want to make it more difficult for Leigh or her mother.

“Have you decided when you’re going to pay Russell a visit, and how you’ll tell him?” her mom asked.  “I asked him to hear you out this one time.”

“And you promised me back then to never interfere.”

Sitting up, straightening her back, Leigh could tell her mother had taken offense to what she said, but it was the truth.  Leigh felt like everything should be discussed between her and Russell only, seeing as they were the parents; and no one else should put their two cents in.  Even her mother, who only had the best intentions.

She felt righteous in the fact that she had tried for all of these years to reach him by letter, once his phone number changed, but he was the one ignoring her.  She had done nothing wrong and didn’t deserve what she’d been though, but Leigh believed that everything in life happened for a reason, so she just went with it.  Any time guilt crept up on her; she would push it back down and silence it.  Her philosophy was to not look back.  No Regretting things you couldn’t change.

That never stopped the knowledge in her heart that she had been selfish and had kept Randy to herself for all this time.  Especially this last year.  She had a feeling time was becoming a more precious commodity than it was before, and she had taken advantage of every moment given her to be with her son.

“I am not going to force my company on Russell,” she told her.  “I figured sending a package with all of the photos of Randy, and the drawings he’s done for his daddy, would open Russell up to seeing me on his own.  Otherwise, I know to pretend that we don’t know each other if we pass on the street.  He has to make the first move this time.”

“I do see your point, baby, but this is too important to let it keep going on as it has.  I didn’t feel like it was interfering to ask him to do what he should have already done as a favor to me.”

“That was blackmailing his good nature, Mother, and you well know it.”

Leigh got up, picked up the empty mugs and walked to the sink, leaning heavily on it when she arrived.  She was lightheaded, but it was nothing she wasn’t used to.

Mark came up beside her, grabbing her elbow to guide her silently back to the table, and then went back to wash the dishes up and wipe down the counters.  Leigh was grateful that he didn’t make a big deal of it.  Her mom was looking off, her mind turned inward to her own thoughts, so she hadn’t noticed.

“Will you ride around with me for my running around tomorrow after your appointment?”

Jerked from her thoughts, her mother looked at her and smiled.  Even after all of her sickness, Mary Leigh was still just as beautiful as Leigh remembered growing up.  She had always idolized her mother and wanted to be just like her, but too many things had gotten in her way.  She would never be as good of a woman as her mother was.

“You know I will.  It’ll be nice to get out and about,” she answered.  “The neighbors are so nice, but they do everything for me like I’m an invalid.  It is all much appreciated, but I would like to do things on my own every now and then, too.”

“Well, just tell us when you feel that way, and we’ll get you out of the house.” Mark said as he finished up the dishes and wiped down the counters.

Mary Leigh smiled again in thanks and turned back to her daughter.  “What will we be doing?”

“I need to sign Randy up for kindergarten since it starts in two weeks, and then we’ll stop by the florist and get Andre to deliver the package to Russell.”

Nodding as she got up, Mary Leigh headed to bed for the night.  It had been a long day for them all, but Leigh wanted to sit outside and just breath the clean fresh air for a bit to wind down.  She headed down to the pecan tree in the back yard and sat in the glider swing that was situated underneath it.

She didn’t want to admit it, but she was extremely nervous about talking with Russell.  She knew what his reaction would be.  She was still in love with him after all this time.  He hated her though and didn’t need another reason to be angry at her.  Even if the first reason he hated her wasn’t valid.

One thing she wouldn’t do was to tell him what really did happen.  Leigh would rather Russell hate her than to live with guilt and regrets.  She tried to live life with no regrets, and she didn’t want to add to the regrets Russell already had because of loving her.

Chapter 2

“Son, me and your ma are finally leaving on that trip we been planning.”

Russ was sitting at his kitchen table at five thirty in the morning, a few days later, with his father drinking coffee.  They had just finished breakfast and were about to head out to begin their day out with the horses.  There were mares from three different breeds ready to drop their foals any time, so they had to be ready.

“Can’t you wait til the foaling season is over with?  What’s the rush, Pop?”

“Herb’s done lost the desire to do much since Darlene died.”  He said slowly as he finished his coffee and stood to go wash the mug.  “You know he was selling his house right?”  He waited for confirmation from Russ before he continued.  “Well, nobody was buying, and he was about to just say to hell with it, let everything go belly-up and move into a retirement village he could afford on his social security.  I told him it’s not right for somebody to lose everything they worked for with nothing to show for it, so I bought him out of everything.  I figured I could update the house out of the nineteen fifties and probably sell it.  He included the Winnebago he had bought for him and Darlene last year but never got a chance to use.”

Russ’ mom was cleaning the counters from having cooked breakfast and decided to back her husband up.  “If you’re gonna get mad at someone Russell, get mad at me.  After this last heart attack James had, you know I’ve been trying to get him to slow down.”

“Slowing yourself down I understand, but stoppin’ all together?”

“We deeded this ranch to you when you graduated, Son.  I was only workin’ it until you had time to get your family established, but you haven’t even tried since she left town.”

“I don’t want to find anyone.  I’m happy with things the way they are.”

“Well then,” his dad smiled.  “There nothing holding you back, or holding me here, any more.”

“I need you, Pop.  Ma, too.”

“No…what you need is to hire a cook and another ranch hand or two to replace us.”

They both stood and went to give Maggie, Russ’ mom, a kiss on the cheek and head out, but Russ stopped James from walking out so he could say something else.

“It wasn’t fair for you to say that Pop, and you know it.  I have never treated y’all like hired help, and that isn’t the reason I don’t want you to leave.  Y’all are all I have.  I just…can’t stand to lose y’all right now, that’s all.”

His mother reached up and hugged him fiercely.  “You’re not losing us.  We’ll be back for all of the holidays, and we’ll call so much you won’t even know we’re gone.”  Leaning back to look Russ in the eye, his mom asked, “Does this have anything to do with a certain unmentionable person that just moved back to town?”

“How’d you hear about it?”

“I went to Mary Leigh’s last week and she told me.  She said that she wasn’t that bad off yet, but that Lei…she needed help and support.  Didn’t go into details because of everything, but wanted to warn us; seeing as how we feel about her.”

“You mean how
I
feel,” then something she said hit him.  “And why does
she
need help?  She has that man that helps her do everything.  Mary Leigh even said he’d be doing her running around for her.”

“I don’t know why she needs help, like I said Mary Leigh didn’t give details, and no, I said what I meant.  Your dad and me truly do sympathize with you, but as I have said in the past you have to forgive her,”  She moved off to start putting the dishes up, but finished saying what she had already told him a thousand times over the past several years.  “You’ll never be able to find your own happiness until you do, so don’t do it for her.  Do it for yourself.”

“Come on Son, let’s get to work.  We won’t be leaving til next week anyway, so we’ll be here for the initial shock if you see her around.”  Russ’ dad followed him out of the house after giving his momma another kiss.  “I swore to your ma that I would not end up like our parents did.  Run into the ground and dying before we have the chance to do the things we want to in life; go see places we wanted to see.  Just that we wouldn’t wait til it was too late and one or both of us were gone.  Ma’s getting’ nervous after me having three heart attacks and having had that stint put in.  She said, and I agree, that we have devoted thirty years to you and loved
almost
every minute of it, but now it’s our turn.”

Russ laughed.  “I can see that, Pop.  I guess I’m being selfish by wanting y’all to stay, so I won’t say anything else about you leaving.”  After a moment of thinking over everything they said, He laughed again.  “Y’all loved
almost
every minute?”

“Yeah, well…there was a time or two we were disappointed in your decision, but we always loved you anyway.”

“Yeah,” he said softly as they reached the first barn.  “I disappointed myself with that one, but then I think about everything that happened and get angry all over again.  I know, given the chance, I would probably do the same thing again.  I get my hot headed temper honestly you know.”

“True, but I overcame mine.”

“How?”

“Every time something happens to upset me in any way, I give it to God and he calms me.  Same if I’m happy or celebrating; I give Him my thanks.”  They started leading the horses out to the pasture.  “You believe in God and go to church, and that’s good.  You’re a good man.  But one day you will examine your life and you’ll see what a difference it would have made if you lived your day to day with Him, too; if you had included Him in all aspects of your life.”

That fed Russ’ thoughts for the rest of the morning.  He had always gone to church with his parents every Sunday, and he tried to treat people with respect; as he liked to be treated.  He really thought he was a good man.  A Christian by heart, but he had his hang ups and he knew it.