Living Again (7 page)

Emily, realizing Kayley couldn’t speak, took over. “She had just eaten her birthday cake and was playing around with my daughter, Cate.” Emily pointed to Cate, huddled in the lap of Kayley’s mom, her eyes wide. “We were just going to see where they were when Cate come in and said Lexi didn’t feel good. This is how we found her.” Kayley looked at Emily, listening to her but not really comprehending. Her eyes went back to Alexis and she watched her baby girl breathe, but lay so still. Her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful, like she was sleeping.

“Why did this happen?” Kayley finally managed, her voice small and shaky. The paramedic that was not attending to Alexis looked at Kayley, his eyes sympathetic.

“There are many reasons a child has a seizure, and most of them are no cause for concern. Her vitals are strong and the seizure is over, though she isn’t responding as well as we’d like right now. She needs to be taken in to the hospital and have some tests run.” The paramedics stood up, carrying Alexis on the stretcher to the awaiting rolling bed by the door. “Let’s get her there and let the doctors see her. There’s no time to waste.”

Kayley followed her daughter out of the house, not bothering to grab her purse or anything.

“Kayley,” Emily called out, now carrying a crying Cate. “We’ll meet you there.” Kayley nodded, climbing into the back of the ambulance with her daughter and the paramedics. She had no words. God couldn’t possibly take Alex
and
Alexis, could he? She would never survive it.

On the way to the hospital, Kayley sat next to Alexis and held her hand, rubbing the smooth baby skin of her little hand. Tears ran down Kayley’s face and she didn’t stop them. Alexis was still sleeping, breathing evenly but definitely not waking up.
Alex,
Kayley thought
, I wish you were here. I’ve been so strong. I’m trying to be both of her parents. I stopped crying every day and I did what everyone said I should do. But WHY aren’t you here right now? Why can’t Alexis have both of her parents? Why is she sick? It’s her birthday! What if she’s not okay, Alex? I won’t survive another loss like this. I need you…Alex, I need you…

Kayley was snapped out of her reverie when the ambulance abruptly stopped in front of the hospital and the door swung open. They wheeled Alexis into the hospital and into a waiting room where a team was already assembled to work on her.

“Mrs. Carson? I’m Dr. Richards, an ER doctor here. I will be working on finding out what happened to your daughter, but I need you to wait out in the waiting room for a few minutes so my team can assess her. I promise we’ll be to you as soon as possible with any answers and an update.” He was a fiftyish man with salt and pepper hair and a friendly smile. Kayley listened but was unable to respond other than to nod her head.

She walked out of the room, leaving her heart on the table in that room for the doctors to examine. Her baby. She was only one year old. Kayley was in this very hospital one year ago, five stories up, giving birth to her daughter and holding her for the first time.
One year
, Kayley thought. And one month before that she had been in this very hospital, three floors up, hearing that the love of her life was never coming back.

Kayley sat down on the hard plastic chair, her breathing shallow and her head swimming. It was too much. She rocked back and forth, holding her head in her hands as the tears streamed down her face. Her heart was pounding, her body was shaking, and her teeth were chattering uncontrollably. She didn’t know how long she sat there- it could’ve been five minutes or five days.

“Kayley,” Emily’s voice entered her overcrowded brain. She put her arm around her best friend and pulled her to her. “I’m here, Kay. I’m here.” Kayley sat, curled into Emily’s arms, with her parents and Alex’s parents, all of them silent and all of them thinking about the times they had been in this hospital together.

Kayley thought back to that day 13 months ago, after she was told Alex was never coming back.

“Kayley,” her mom’s voice had soothed her, stopped her screaming and reduced it to just whimpering. “You should go see him, honey. Say goodbye.”

It had been three hours since they told Kayley that her husband, Alexander Reed Carson, age 27, had passed away. From what the police gathered so far from the accident, Alex was driving home from work when a car going much too fast ran the red light and t-boned his side of the car, which shoved him into another car, then that car into another. Alex had been wearing his seat belt, but the car struck him so hard that his seatbelt broke and he went through the windshield. The man who had hit him had died also on impact; the other two passengers of the other cars Alex hit had minor injuries and walked away. There was an investigation to see if drinking was involved.

Kayley clung to her mom, her eyes roaming the waiting room filled with her and Alex’s family and friends. No one spoke- there was no need. Everyone was in shock and didn’t hardly move. The doctor had come in and urged Kayley and Alex’s family to come say goodbye. They had him cleaned up, ready to move him to the morgue.

“Do you want me to go with you, honey?” her mom asked, smoothing her hair away from her face. That simple motherly gesture that she had always done when Kayley was upset spurred more tears to come from her eyes. Her eyes felt like sandpaper and her eyelids, weights. She didn’t think she could possibly cry again…

“No,” Kayley’s voice was shaky but strong. “I need to do this. I will always regret if it I don’t.” Kayley stood unsteadily and walked out of the waiting room, all eyes on her. As she walked down the hallway to the nurse’s station, she heard Alex’s voice in her head. “I love you always and forever, Kayley.” Always and forever ended today.

As Kayley reached the nurse’s station, a young nurse in lollipop scrubs looked at her sympathetically. “Are you Alex Carson’s wife?” Her eyes traveled to Kayley’s protruding belly and tears instantly formed in Kayley’s eyes. Kayley nodded and the nurse, whose tag read Amy, led her wordlessly to a room far down the hallway. She stopped at the doorway and put her hand gently on Kayley’s.

“Take your time. He’s- all cleaned up.” Amy chose her words wisely, knowing how fragile Kayley was. She nodded again, trying to smile at her but failing, and the nurse walked away.

She watched her walk down the hall, stop at the nurse’s station, and then head to another patient’s room. She watched visitors coming with balloons and flowers, going to whatever room their loved one was recovering in to wish them well. She stood there, like a statue, with her hand on the door of the room that held her dead husband. Dead. How could she ever get used to that word? When they said their vows and repeated, “Till death do us part,” they were both sure that it would be a long time from then, when they were old and had grandkids and maybe even great grandkids.

Kayley took a deep breath and pushed open the door, not ready for what she was about to see but needing to see with her own eyes that her Alex was not there, not coming back. She pushed the door shut behind her, not allowing her eyes to travel the room to find him. She could see the bed out of the corner of her eye and knew he was there, but she wasn’t ready to look. She leaned against the door, breathing heavily. What was she thinking? She couldn’t see him like this.

Just like that, she felt him. She felt Alex near her, and her knees almost buckled. She couldn’t explain why she felt that way, could never tell anyone why she thought he was there, but she felt his presence like she felt her own. He was part of her soul; maybe that is why she thought she could feel him here, in this room. She slid down the door and sat on the floor, drawing her legs up as far as she could with her protruding belly. She now could see the end of the bed and Alex’s feet sticking up under the covers. She stared at them for what seemed like an eternity, trying to get the courage to stand up and see him for the last time.

Finally, she slowly got up off of the floor. Still averting her eyes, she headed towards the bed that held the love of her life. Her breath came in shallow spurts as she tried to will herself to look at him. Her peripheral vision told her that he was laying there with his arms to his sides and the blanket pulled up to his broad chest. Kayley closed her eyes and stepped closer to the bed, reaching her hands out to grip the railing of the bed so she didn’t run into it. When her hands made contact with the cold metal rails, she sucked her breath in.
Open your eyes,
she willed herself. Kayley knew that opening them and looking at Alex was a life altering moment. She would never again be the same. She cracked her eyes open, his face coming into view. She willed herself to open her eyes the rest of the way, and when she finally did, she locked her eyes on Alex’s handsome face. He looked- perfect. Peaceful. There was bruising and scrapes on his face, neck, and collarbone, and his head was wrapped in gauze from his surgery, but it was him. Alex. He was laying here just like he was sleeping. His full lips were red, his dark eyelashes fanned across his cheeks. She scanned his broad shoulders and muscular chest and stomach, covered by the blanket but she knew his body like her own. She reached her hand out and touched his hand, briefly, then pulled back, shocked. How could he feel like her Alex, but not be there anymore? She stared at his left hand where the imprint was there of his wedding band, but the jewelry itself wasn’t there anymore. A sob escaped her lips as she realized why- they wouldn’t leave a wedding ring on someone who wasn’t alive anymore.

Kayley’s body shook as her eyes traveled back to Alex’s beautiful face, the face that she had loved for so long now, she could hardly remember a time in her life without him. That face had kissed her so many times, smiled at her, loved her. She reached her hand out again and caressed his face, his lips, his eyes, his beautiful cheekbones. She leaned her face over him and she swore she could still smell the aftershave that he wore and she loved so much. Tears dripped from her eyes onto his face. She wiped them gently away. She leaned down and kissed his lips one more time. They felt just like him, just like home. Her body shuddered as she rested her forehead on his for one last time.

“Alex,” she whispered. “Why? Why did they take you away from me? It’s not fair! You just look like you’re sleeping. Wake up, baby! Please, wake up!”

“Kayley,” a voice filtered through her brain. She blinked her eyes and looked up to see her dad standing next to her. She sat straight up in the hospital chair. Had she fallen asleep?

“What’s the matter, is she okay?” Kayley panicked, standing up to meet her dad’s eye. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and smiled thinly.

“She’s awake,” he said, hugging Kayley to him. “They are running some tests, but you can go in.” She didn’t even stop to hear the last syllable, she was already on her feet and going to Alexis’ room. A crib was in the room and she was laying in it, eyes open but she was not moving. An IV was dripping fluid into her arm and a monitor was keeping track of her heartbeat and oxygen level.

“Lexi,” Kayley sobbed, not even acknowledging the other people in the room. When she heard her mom’s voice, she turned her eyes and reached her arms out. Kayley leaned over Alexis’ crib and hugged her daughter as best she could through all of the wires. Emily stood at the doorway and watched, ever her protector.

“Mrs. Carson?” another doctor entered the room. Kayley turned her eyes to him.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Is my daughter going to be okay?”

The young doctor walked further into the room and smiled at her. “We’re going to admit her into the Pediatric ICU and run some further tests. I don’t think that there’s anything seriously wrong with her, but I’m concerned with the lack of response from her for so long.” He walked to the edge of Alexis’ bed and looked down at the baby resting there. He smiled, reaching his hand out. She grasped it automatically, smiling at him.

“Admit her?” Kayley squeaked, noticing that Alexis was responding well to the doctor. More tears rolled down her face at the news, and he turned to face her.