Living a Lie (26 page)

There was little she could say that would convince him that her mind was already made up. How could she marry him when she didn’t love him?

How could she spend her whole life with a man who would only ever be second best to her? What about children? What about the way her life would change? He lived in a social whirl. spent money like water.

His friends were wealthy, elegant people, versed in the ways of the world, while she was a young and ordinary working girl who preferred tea to wine, and had never worn a designer outfit in her whole life.

However hard Jack tried to convince her, she would still be out of her depth. A round peg in a square hole.

“Don’t say anything now.” His voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Just remember… I love you with all my heart. I know something of what you’ve suffered in your life, and I swear before God, I will never let anything or anyone hurt you ever again.”

Before she could respond, he summoned the waiter.

“What time is breakfast?”

“First serving at eight, sir.”

“Thank you.” He slipped the man a five-pound note.

“That was a bit extravagant,” Kitty declared as they made their way up the broad stairway.

“Money was made to go round,” he answered.

“The poor chap probably only earns as much as that in two hours.”

Kitty laughed.

“I don’t earn much more than that myself,” she teased.

Outside her door he put out his arms and pinned her there.

“As my wife you would never have to work again,” he reminded her.

“You might consider that too.”

“Goodnight, Jack.” He was a persistent sod!

He gazed at her longingly, his pale eyes appearing stunningly blue in the overhead light. Without a word he bent his head and kissed her full on the mouth. It was a tender kiss, loving and suggestive without being forceful. Against her better judgment she gave herself up to it.

Later, when she was lying in bed, it occurred to Kitty that she had really enjoyed that kiss.

“Silly bugger, Kitty Marsh!” she chided herself.

“Now he’ll think you’re warming to the idea of marriage.”

Something else occurred to her then, and she had to chuckle.

“You’re a bit free with the bad language tonight an’ all, my girl!” She pulled a wry little face and turned over.

“Must be the wine,” she muttered.

“It’s all your fault, Harry Jenkins. If it wasn’t for you, Jack might be a good catch. As it is, I can only love one man at a time.”

Harry was her man, she thought, and it was for Harry she was saving herself.

“Maybe it’s time I found you, my love,” she whispered.

“Maybe Georgie was right all along, and I should never have let you go in the first place.” Now, as she closed her eyes she could see him. Her heart soared, and her determination strengthened. Harry’s mother would tell her where to find him. With that thought in mind she fell into a deep, deep sleep.

In the early hours Jack came to her. Having secured a pass key from the man to whom he had given five pounds, he let himself in. For a long time he sat on the chair beside her bed, just gazing at her sleeping face.

“I want you so much,” he whispered.

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”

The minutes passed. The sound of the bedside clock ticked the night away, and still he made no move. Her arms spread out across the pillow, her dark hair spilling across the pillow and her face turned towards him.

“You’re very beautiful,” he told her softly.

Beneath his robe he was naked. Slowly he took it off and laid it on the back of the chair. Then he slid into bed beside her.

In her dreams Kitty was lying with Harry. She could feel his skin, soft and warm against hers. His kisses were gentle, his arms strong about her. When he penetrated her she yielded to him, wanting him, hungry for his love. Oh, she had waited so long, and now he was here.

Drained and contented, she lay quiet in his arms. Tomorrow they would talk. Tomorrow they would make plans.

In the morning she awoke, turned her head on the pillow and saw him there; he was smiling at her, blue eyes brimming with love.

“I had to see you,” he said, holding out his arm for her to lie against his chest.

“I knew you wanted me too.”

Kitty stared at him in disbelief. Then she got out of bed, went into the bathroom and locked the door. When she came back to the bedroom, he was gone. Slumping before the dressing-table she examined her image in the mirror.

“You fool!” she groaned.

“What have you done? Oh, Kitty, what have you done?”

It was nine o’clock when she went downstairs.

“Just coffee please,” she told the waiter.

“Oh, and have you seen Mr. Harpur?”

“He went out an hour ago, miss. I’m to tell you he’s gone to the boatyard and should be back before ten thirty.”

Kitty thanked him. Then she took her coffee into the lounge and tried unsuccessfully to read the morning papers.

“Damn him!” she muttered, slamming the paper down.

“Damn him! Damn him!”

When he returned, excited and thrilled because he had secured a deal on the boat, she rounded on him.

“Did you have it all planned?” she demanded.

“Was it all arranged beforehand… you and this ” owner” who was so conveniently delayed?”

The expression on his face told her the truth.

“If you think that, then there’s nothing else for me to say. I’ll take you home. If you feel you should find another job, I won’t try to stop you.”

In the car they sat in silence; Kitty bitterly regretting what had happened, and Jack regretting only that she didn’t feel the way he did.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised.

“I had no right to come into your room.” He was devastated, believing that one mistake could take her from him forever.

Kitty remained silent, cursing herself, cursing him, wishing it hadn’t happened but accepting it had. Wishing there was a way to turn back the clock, but knowing of old that there was no way she could do that.

The traffic was heavier than usual. The journey seemed to drag on forever. She glanced sideways at Jack’s face, a miserable, unhappy face. She had not spoken a word to him in two hours and knew how he must be suffering. Serves you right, she thought. She was angry, with him and herself, then she felt guilty. When she closed her eyes she saw Harry’s face. What now? she asked herself. What now?

Kitty stood by the kitchen window, arms folded, brown eyes turned to the star-filled sky.

“I don’t know what to do about Jack,” she murmured.

“He just won’t give up.” , Mildred was seated at the kitchen table, her hands clasping a mug of cocoa and her eyes resting on Kitty’s troubled face.

“Come and sit here,” she said.

“I’ve made you a mug of cocoa… drink it while it’s still hot.” Like Kitty, she had been unable to sleep.

Coming to the table. Kitty took up her mug, then put it down again.

Leaning forward she ran her hands through her tousled dark hair, dropped her head and closed her eyes.

“He’s driving me crazy,” she groaned.

“I can’t sleep, and I can’t work. It’s been worse since his father went to America… everywhere I turn, Jack’s watching me.”

He was there when she answered the phone, smiling at her from the doorway; he was there when she looked up from the filing cabinet; he was there the minute she arrived and when she left.

“I’ve been seriously thinking about looking for another job.” Raising her head, she looked at Mildred.

“I don’t want to,” she admitted.

“But what choice have I got?”

“You know what Jack’s problem is, don’t you?”

Kitty was amused to see Mildred actually smiling. TheI’ she declared, now smiling herself “I’m Jack’s problem, that’s what you’re going to say, isn’t it?”

“I don’t have to now. You’ve said it yourself. Of course you’re his problem! If you think he’s driving you crazy, what do you think you’re doing to him’i He sees you every day, yet you might as well be at the other end of the world. You won’t talk things through with him. You won’t let him take you out, and you return all the little gifts he sends. The poor sod’s head over heels in love with you, and you still can’t make up your mind what to do about him;

Kitty laughed, and the tension was broken.

“You’re wrong,” she chuckled.

“I do know what to do about him.” Clenching both fists she shook them in the air.

“I’m going to strangle him!” she said through clenched teeth.

“If I look up once more to see him gawping at me, I swear to God I’ll do away with him!”

“I thought you liked him?”

“That’s just it. I do have a soft spot for Jack,” she admitted.

“If only he’d give me time to get my thoughts together.” But secretly she knew all the time in the world wouldn’t make any difference. Her heart belonged to Harry.

“You don’t love him, that’s the root of the problem?”

“You could say that.” Kitty’s brown eyes softened.

“I do like Jack,” she confessed thoughtfully.

“And I know he would take care of me like I’ve never been taken care of before.”

“But you’re afraid?”

“No. Not afraid exactly.”

“What then?” Mildred saw shyness creep into Kitty’s face and started to wonder.

“You haven’t been keeping secrets from me, have you?”

Kitty was startled.

“Like what?” Harry was her secret and would stay that way until she was sure he still wanted her. The time was soon.

Very soon. Until then she thought it best not to talk about her hopes.

Mildred sensed something about Kitty’s mood.

“Oh, nothing,” she muttered.

“I just wondered if there might be another man, that was all.” Saving Kitty the trouble of answering, she went on in a quieter voice, “That night when you and Jack … you know?”

“When he came to my room at the hotel?”

“Well, yes.” Mildred looked a little uncomfortable.

“You don’t regret confiding in me, do you, Kitty?”

Kitty’s face melted into a warm encouraging smile.

“Who else should I confide in?” she asked gently.

“Did he … force himself on you?”

Kitty shook her head.

“It wasn’t like that,” she answered truthfully.

Mildred took a sip of her cocoa.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“I’m sure you would have told me if he had.” She didn’t ask any more questions.

Instead she finished her cocoa, took her cup to the sink and rinsed it, then she made for her bed with the parting remark, “All the same, it’s a pity you can’t bring yourself to love him. You could do worse than marry a man like Jack Harpur.” Lately she had come to realise she was leaning on Kitty too much.

Kitty remained downstairs until the dawn crept over the rooftops. She was too restless to sleep, and too tired not to. She thought about Jack, and Mildred’s remark, and murmured to the sky, “She’s right. Jack would make a wonderful husband. He’s kind and generous, and when he loves, he’s really dedicated.” But she couldn’t convince herself.

“He’s not for me. I could never give him the affection he deserves.” Suddenly she felt adrift, cut loose from everything that mattered. The loneliness was overwhelming. But then she thought of Harry. Somewhere out there, he might be thinking of her. It was a warming thought.

A moment later she turned out the light, closed the kitchen door and went to bed.

The following day was Saturday. Feeling as if she’d spent a night on the tiles, Kitty got out of bed. After a few minutes yawning and stretching, and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she threw open the curtains. At first she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. the trees, the lawn and even the tiny round knobs on the gate posts were covered in a thick carpet of white.

“It’s been snowing!” There was a childish excitement in her face as she pressed her nose to the cold windowpane, her shining eyes big with wonder as they viewed the world outside. Fluffy flakes splashed on to the glass, sliding down to make starry patterns in front of her nose.

“Oh, I hope it snows till Christmas,” she said wistfully. The year had gone so quickly. Her childhood had long gone; now her youth had gone.

She refused to let thoughts of the past mar her joy.

“MILDRED!”

Her voice rang out, frightening a robin who was hopping through the snow, “Mildred … it’s snowing!”

Running along the corridor, she called to her aunt: “Get up! Look out of the window … it’s snowing!”

Thinking the house must be on fire, Mildred sprang out of bed and flung open her bedroom door.

“Whatever’s going on?” she cried, bleary-eyed and looking like the wrong end of a mop.

Laughing, Kitty swung her round.

“It’ll snow till Christmas,” she promised.

“You’ll see! It’ll snow till Christmas!” Propelling Mildred through the bedroom she snatched open the curtains.

“See that? The skies are full of it.”

Mildred was happy when Kitty was happy, but in truth she hated the snow. She loathed the cold weather, and couldn’t wait for the summer.

“You’ll be asking me to make snowmen with you next!” she exclaimed with horror.

Kitty laughed and swung her round again.

Shivering at the very sight of the snow, Mildred drew away.

“I’m off back to my bed,” she declared.

“You can go out and freeze your hands off if you like, but I’m not setting foot out of this house until Monday morning. By that time the snow will have gone, I hope.”

Disgruntled, she got into bed and threw the duvet over her head.

“Shut the door on your way out,” she called in a muffled voice.

“If you’re that tired, you won’t want me to fetch you a cup of tea?”

Kitty teased. Before Mildred could answer she ran out and pulled the door to, holding on tight so it couldn’t be opened from the other side.

It was only a few seconds before Mildred was tugging at the other side.

“You bugger!” she yelled.

“Let go of this door!”

“Why? I thought you were so tired you wanted to spend the ddy in bed?”

Kitty knew how her aunt coveted her morning cup pa Neither hell nor high water, not even a heavy snowfall, would keep her from it.