Lipstick and Lies (8 page)

I gazed at my husband winsomely.
Little did he know that when this
fabulous
creature
emerged, he would be
bonked vigorously every single night
.
Bonked un
til
he could bonk no more.
He’d be all bonked out.
So
i
f
Selina
did
have any
secret
designs on my husband, he’d
be impervious to her pouting charms on the grounds
of – well,
he’d be impotent.
Yes!
Brilliant idea Cass.
And he’d flop into bed every night
, too
exhausted to do anything other than give a chaste kiss on the cheek
.
B
ingo
!
And w
e’d both
have
a good night’s sleep
.
Sex free f
orever more.
I frowned.
Was that what I wanted?
An impotent husband?
Well no, of course not – not indefinitely anyway.
Just
temporarily.
U
ntil
Eddie stopped
giving me
broken
nights.
And
Selina was safely married off to Ethan
.
A
nd vast with child
.
A
nd then another child
.
Twins.
Make that triplets.
A
nd couldn’t
possibly
return to Fareham & Mackerel ever again on account of the fact that she
too was now
an exhausted mother.
N
aturally she’d have
changed
over this period
of time.
Turned
into a
total
frump.
Frightfully
mumsy
.
L
ong
bobbly
sweater pulled
down
over her
jeans
to hide
thunderous thighs
.
And a
n enormous
bottom
.

‘
That’s better Cassie,
’
Jamie smiled at me approvingly.
‘
You
have
a gleam in your eye again.
Are you thinking naughty thoughts
,
you little minx?
’

‘
More than you
realise
darling,
’
I
snuggled into
my husband’s
chest
as
smoochy music
suddenly
poured out of the speakers.

All around us couples were slow
dancing
.
Some – a little worse for wear –
treading on toes
as they
gaz
ed
at each other
.
My eyes snagged on Stevie
nearby
.
He was
looking
over
Charlotte
’s shoulder
,
an expression of longing on his face
.
I followed his gaze and glimpsed Morag in all her unabashed glory
.
She had
her mouth welded to Matt’s
and
appeared to be sucking the life out of him.

And suddenly it was midnight.
Some
one
put the television
on
.
The volume was
so loud it was as if we were
right
there
–
on the
London
pavements in the cold night air – listening to
Big Ben
chiming
in the New Year.
T
he small hairs on the back of my
neck
lifted
as the
poignancy of it all
threatened to overwhelm me
.
S
uddenly
I was choking
up with emotion
.
The twelfth note was drowned
out
in rowdy cheer
s
.
P
arty poppers exploded
,
and
colourful streamers
sailed
through the air.
Arms linked
as revellers bellowed out
Auld Lang Syne
.

‘
Happy New Year darling,
’
Jamie folded me into
his
embrace
.
Suddenly I was being kissed very thoroughly.

‘
Ooh I’ll have one of those!
’
Morag lurch
ed
over and thrust her
mouth
at Jamie.

‘
No tongues
,
’
I
warned
my friend
,
as Jamie deflected the kiss
to
his cheek.

‘
Spoilsport,
’
she pouted.

‘
Morag!’
Stevie materialis
ed by her side
.
‘If
you
’re after a bit of Froggie,’ he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, ‘try me for
some
French
snoggy.’
He
st
uck
his tongue
out optimistically and wiggled it
from side to side
.

‘
Ooh you are a naughty boy,
’
Morag cooed.

‘
And you’re a naughty girl,
’
Stevie
bandied
back.

‘
And you’re a fucking bastard,
’
screeched
Charlotte
zooming in
with a balled fist.
She caught Stevie a resounding smack on the chin.
Everybody turned to look at the commotion.
Morag melted away.
There was a collective gasp as
Stevie
staggered
backwards and
fell into
the Christmas tree
.

Jamie steered me into the hallway.
‘
Time to go I think,
’
he
murmured
.
‘
Ah Matt
!
Fantastic part
y
.
W
onderfully
entertaining
.
A
s ever.
’

Behind us
all hell
was breaking out
.

‘
Take care folks,
’
Matt kissed me on both cheeks and pumped Jamie’s hand several times.
‘
Best go and see what’s happening in there
.
C
learly somebody’s had enough,
’
he rolled his eyes.

Only
Charlotte
, I thought sympathetically.

‘
You okay?
’
asked Jamie in the back of the taxi.

‘
Sort of
,
’
I
winced
.

‘
What’s wrong?
’

‘
It’s these,
’
I point
ed to
my
milk
-
laden breasts
.
They
’d gone rock hard.
‘
They’re killing me.
’

‘Hello?’ I bawled down the telephone.
Eddie, on my hip, drowned out the caller with his lusty cries.
‘You’ll have to SPEAK UP!’
I clamped the receiver
between shoulder and ear and
tried not to garrotte the pair of us – we’d yet to go cordless.
Freeing one hand, I grabbed a bottle of formula milk from the worktop.
Eddie stepped up his howls.
I tried slotting the silicon
e
teat into my son’s mouth.
He
took one look at it and knocked
the bottle right out of my hand.

‘Cass?’ a familiar voice squawked.

‘Hang on!’

I flung the receiver down and put Eddie in his playpen with a rusk.
To hell with the mess.
Anything for a civilised conversation.
I picked up the bottle, dumped it in the
sink and retrieved the phone.

‘Nell!’ I beamed into the mouthpiece.
It was always a joy to talk to my old neighbour and loyal friend.
‘Happy New Year!
’

‘You too Cass.
C
an you talk for five minutes?’

‘I most certainly can.
The children are at the stables
,
and Jamie is with Matt
.
He’s
helping clear up
after
last night’s revelry.’

‘That’s why I was calling.
How
was
the party?
Did I miss a great night out?’

‘No,’ I lied.
‘Anyway, it’s far more important to keep your feet up.’
Nell was in the final stages of a very difficult pregnancy.
She was taking no chances after a miscarriage the pre
vious year.

‘So tell me all about it.
Bit by bit.
Blow by blow.’

‘There were a few of those actually.’ I glanced at the clock.
Time for elevenses.
I siddled towards the kettle, stretching the telephone cord to its limit.
A beverage break was essential when gossiping.
‘Morag looked amazing
.
A
nd Stevie was being utterly outrageous with her.
Offering to give her a tonsillectomy with his tongue.
That sort of thing.’

‘Oh God.
Didn’t Matt mind?’

‘I think Matt is actually quite proud of having a wife other men lust after.’
I poured boiling water into the mug.
‘And Morag, for all her flirting, worsh
ips the ground Matt walks on.’

‘So w
here was Stevie’s girlfriend?’

‘Oh
Charlotte
was there.
She stayed long enough to black Stevie’s eye and shove him into Morag’s ten foot Christmas tree.’

‘So I
did
miss a good party,’ Nell sighed.
‘What were you wearing?
I bet you looked ravishing.’

‘Hardly.
But talking of ravishing, guess who
se name popped up last night?’

‘Gosh, I don’t know.’

‘Come on Nell, you can do better than that.
I’ll give you a clue.
Long dark swishy hair.
Pouty lips.
Drop dead gorgeous.’

‘I
don’t know anybody like that.’

‘Used to go out with Jamie,’ I prompted.

There was a pause.
‘Not Selina?’

‘The very one and same.’

‘Why were you discussing her?
Sh
e’s history.’

‘Apparently not
.
’
I slurped some coffee.
‘Would you believe Selina has shacked up w
ith Jamie’s business partner?’

‘No!’

‘Yes.
And what’s more
,
she’
s joining Fareham & Mackerel.’

‘You’ve got to be kidding.’

‘Sadly not.
Ethan wants her to join the consultancy.
Selina has begged Jamie not to mention what happened previously.
Said she’s mad about Ethan
.
O
r words to that effect.
So as from tomorrow
,
she’s on the payroll.’