Lily’s War (42 page)

It was David again who told her when the hospital ship Matt was on was due to dock in Liverpool. ‘How do you get to know before other people?’ she asked, smiling at him.

He returned her smile. ‘We’re expected to pass on unpleasant news and prepare people for shocks but that’s not so in this case. It was I who enquired about Matt.’

‘He is all right, isn’t he?’ Her face was suddenly drawn with anxiety. ‘You’re not just pretending?’

‘He’s fine compared to some of them.’ He patted her shoulder. ‘I’ve received permission for you to go aboard and see him for a few minutes before all the men are taken off to various hospitals.’

She thanked him and after he had gone went upstairs to pick out a dress that had lasted the war better than some. She chose one of the faithful flowery crèpe-de-chînes and made her way to the docks where the white ship was berthed. The wind was sharp and heavy with the tang of the sea and it tossed her dark curls into confusion, just as it had that very first day she had set eyes on Matt.

Somehow Lily had expected Matt to be in bed but he was sitting in a chair at a desk in the tiny cabin which the able-bodied seaman showed her to. She paused in the doorway as he looked up. He smiled and she wanted to cry but smiled instead and went into his arms. She buried her face against his scrawny neck, all the better to conceal the shock she felt. He was nowhere near skeletal but he had lost weight, his skin was more yellow than brown, even the whites of his eyes were yellow. It seemed a long time since they had been young and full of life. How did they pick all that up again? She with her idiotic thoughts of them conceiving a baby as soon as he was home. He didn’t look like he could. And yet the arms holding her had a strength that belied his appearance. Still he would need building up, rest and nothing to trouble him. She would keep quiet about her suspicions about May and Rob.

‘Are you all right?’ she said in a muffled voice.

‘I’m fine. You feel thinner, though.’

She laughed, close to tears. ‘Look who’s talking, skinny melink!’

‘What’s a melink?’ There was a smile in his voice.

‘
I
don’t know. It’s just something we say in Liverpool. Are they going to take you away for long to this hospital, and how far is it?’

‘They’re not taking me away at all. I’m going to a hospital in Liverpool just for tests. I’ve been informed the port has the best facilities for tropical diseases in the country. I should be home in a few days and then we can have a proper talk.’

‘Good.’ She rubbed her cheek against his. All the questions could wait until he got home.

May called that evening and Lily told her about seeing Matt.

‘So he’s arrived.’ May ran a finger round the brim of her teacup. ‘Do you think he’ll be staying in Liverpool or will he go back to Australia?’

‘I told you we haven’t discussed anything! At the moment I don’t want Matt upset,’ she said in a pleading voice. ‘I thought you’d be pleased he was home. You used to like him in the old days.’

‘I do like him and I am glad he’s safe!’ said May indignantly. ‘It’s just that—’

‘What?’ Lily flashed her a challenging look. ‘Rob, is it?’

May stared at her. ‘How did you know?’

‘So I’m right.’ Her smile was taut. ‘It was the way you looked at each other and the way you spoke that day he came – and you’ve been so secretive about this fella you’ve been going out with – and Daisy saw you with a chap in a blue RAF uniform.’

May’s mouth drooped. ‘Matt’s not going to like it, is he?’

‘I don’t like it! Rob’s a good few years older than you and he’s devious.’

‘I love him and he loves me!’

‘Has he said so?’ She was remembering Rob saying he loved her and wondered whether he could be trusted to cherish her beloved sister.

‘Of course! He’ll be going back to Australia soon.’ She put down her cup. ‘He wants me to marry him. I told him I need your permission.’

‘So you do,’ said Lily lightly. There was a silence while she digested this. ‘How that must rankle with Rob,’ she murmured.

‘I said I’d probably be able to persuade you but he thought you’d say no because of Matt,’ said May, playing with her fingers and not looking at Lily. ‘He thinks Matt will put a spoke in our wheel.’

‘Does he now?’ Lily grinned, thinking of the pain Rob had caused. ‘Well, he’ll have to wait and see, won’t he? Because I’m not going to bother Matt about it right now.’

May looked dismayed and started up from her chair. ‘Damn it, Lil, you couldn’t be so mean! I told you, Rob’s going back soon and I want to go with him as his wife.’

‘I’ve said my piece,’ said Lily. ‘You’ll have to wait.’ And she swept out of the kitchen.

Lily took Paul with her to fetch Matt home. Her heart was beating heavily as she gazed out of the tram window at the rows of drab houses and shops with gaps in them like missing teeth. The long weary years of war showed on some faces but others looked cheerful. She smiled herself, anticipating the moment when her son and husband would confront each other for the first time. Did Matt believe Paul was his son? He had never mentioned not doing so in his letters, just relief that they were both well. She supposed it was possible not to allow oneself to feel real emotion about someone just from a photograph. The test would be when they saw each other face to face.

‘You’ve got your grandfather’s chin, Paul,’ stated Matt as he knelt on one knee in the entrance of the hospital, holding his son at arm’s length.

Lily smiled with relief. ‘He’s got your eyes and your hair.’

‘What he needs is Brylcreem.’ Matt made an attempt to flatten the tuft of hair that stuck up. ‘Remember, Lil, how when we talked about us being married and your travelling around Australia with me, we never took into consideration what would happen if we had a child.’

‘I never thought about it at the time,’ she murmured. ‘It wouldn’t have been much of a life dragging a baby from pillar to post in the heat or the storms, would it?’

‘Not a baby,’ said Matt seriously. ‘It wasn’t so bad for me with Dad for part of the year when I was older, but not as a way of life for a family.’

Paul, who had been silently staring at his father with his chin stuck out pugnaciously while he still stroked his hair, wriggled beneath his hand. ‘It won’t stay down, Daddy. Mammy says it’s a waste of time trying.’

Matt stared at him, then grinned. ‘Daddy! I think I’ve made a breakthrough, Lil.’ He caught Paul up in his arms and lifted him on to his shoulders before walking out of the hospital.

Lily hurried after him. ‘Do you think you should be carrying him? Let’s find a taxi. You haven’t been well. You might …’

Matt gazed down at her and his eyes were a clear serene grey. ‘Don’t fuss, Lil. I’m a grown man. This is my son and I want to carry him home. If he starts feeling too heavy, I’ll put him down and we’ll catch a tram.’

She fell into step beside him. ‘Did you ever really doubt he was your son?’ Her voice was low. ‘After what you said that last evening …’

‘I doubted it as much as you believed I could have fathered Abby’s child.’

Ouch! she thought. ‘I don’t think I ever really believed it deep down,’ she murmured. ‘I was just hurting so much I wanted you to hurt equally as badly. Really Christian, wasn’t I?’

‘I haven’t always turned the other cheek or found it easy to forgive – Rob, for example.’

Oh dear! thought Lily, but remained silent about May and her plans, though she told him about Rob’s visit. Matt was quiet and she wondered if she should have kept her mouth shut but it would have had to come out one way or another. But his mention of forgiveness where Rob was concerned did not bode well for a quick marriage for her sister. She did not see how she could grant something that Matt would be against and which she herself was not sure about. It was a problem they could do without while they learnt to feel comfortable with each other again and made decisions about where they were going to live now that the war was over.

They reached Brunswick Road with its mixture of shops and its workplace for the blind. The road had a bit of an incline to say the least. Lily glanced at Matt and saw there was sweat on his brow. He grimaced and lifted Paul down, who immediately wanted to be lifted up again. ‘No, Paul. Daddy’s tired,’ said Lily, taking his hand while Matt took the other. Fortuitously there was the rattling of an approaching tram.

As soon as they stepped inside the dairy, Matt said, ‘There’s something different in here.’

‘The churn’s gone. I forgot to tell you I got rid of the cows,’ she said hurriedly, putting Paul down. ‘It was something that I’d have had to do sooner or later with the way things are going in dairying. And besides—’ She suddenly noticed that there was an envelope sticking to her shoe and bent to pick it up.

‘You thought we wouldn’t be staying here?’ stated Matt, his eyes on her face.

‘You talked of wanting your own parish. I presumed we’d be going elsewhere.’

‘Australia?’

There was something in his voice and she guessed what he was thinking but knew him well enough to come up with the answer he would want. Her gaze met his squarely. ‘If that’s where God wants us. Where we live isn’t important. It’s us starting over again together.’

Relief flooded his face. ‘You’re coming up with the right answers. There’s hope for us yet.’

‘Have you doubted it?’

‘Sometimes.’ He leaned against the counter in the wintery sunshine. ‘You start questioning and doubting when you have too much time to think.’

‘I know!’ she said in a heartfelt voice, remembering wondering if his ‘sorry’ had meant it was all over between them. She glanced down at the envelope and recognised May’s writing. She opened it quickly and stiffened as her gaze alighted on two words, still listening to Matt as she read.

‘It’s possible when two people parted the way we did and have spent so much time away from each other, to say the right things in letters but not mean them,’ said Matt. ‘Who’s that from?’

Lily glanced up at him.

‘What’s so enthralling about it?’ His voice was unemotional but she knew he was hurt by her allowing herself to be distracted from what he was saying. It was an immensely important time for the two of them, trying to put their lives together. Oh, why had May’s letter had to come now? He cleared his throat. ‘Having your full attention would be more flattering to me than having you read that note.’

‘Sorry, love.’ She pinned a smile on her face and made to slip the note in her pocket. ‘It’s nothing for you to worry about.’

Matt stretched out a hand. ‘I know you better than that. Let’s have no secrets between us at a time like this.’ He glanced down at the note as she gave it to him and read aloud:

Dear Lil,

By the time you read this Rob and I will be on our way to Gretna Green. I know my marrying him is not what you want so I thought it best to take the decision out of your hands. This way you won’t have to worry about what Matt has to say, and there’s no need for either of them to see each other again if it causes trouble. I’m going to miss you but …’

Matt glanced up and their eyes caught.

‘We’ll have to go after them,’ said Lily hurriedly.

‘Why don’t you want them to marry?’

The question surprised her. ‘Because it’s Rob, of course! You said you couldn’t forgive him and—’

‘I said I didn’t find it easy,’ he said emphatically, ‘but that’s because my feelings were all tangled up with his saying he loved you and you’d fallen in love with him.’

‘You know that’s not true. Didn’t I write to you that it wasn’t?’

Matt folded the letter carefully. ‘As I said before, it’s easy to say things in letters, especially when you believe you might never see that person alive again.’

She was angry. ‘I didn’t lie, Matt! I was as honest with you as I hope you’ve been with me. I never loved him. I found him attractive at a time when I felt lonely because you’d gone off seeking solitude when you should have been with me.’

He looked relieved. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry about that – how it took me a bit of time to realise having a wife meant considering your needs as well as my own. But why didn’t you tell me about May and Rob when we were talking about him earlier?’

‘Because you’d been ill. I’ve been used to making decisions for other people for a long time. I didn’t want it disturbing you and coming between us.’

A laugh escaped him. ‘I’m not a child, Lil. I can cope with this.’ He tapped the letter against his palm. ‘All I need to know is that your reason for wanting them not to marry isn’t because you can’t bear May getting him instead of you because of your being married to me for better, for worse.’

‘I can bear it.’ Her eyes were bright as she drew close to him. ‘May always said Rob was her kind of hero but he’s not the man I want to spend my life with.’

‘No?’ said Matt, smiling. ‘Then you don’t want me to chase after them like some Victorian irate father or brother? There’d be some poetic justice in that, don’t you think? Although it should be up to Ben and Ronnie to do the chasing.’

‘No. I never want you to leave me again,’ she whispered. ‘I love you. You, Matt! We’ve both made mistakes and will probably go on making them, but you’re the man I want to make some of those dreams of the future come true with.’

The letter slipped from his fingers and his arms went round her. She gave a deep sigh and pressed against him. This was the moment she had been waiting for. Never had she been able to luxuriate in Rob’s kisses like she could Matt’s.

Her fingers laced behind his neck as his head came down. That kiss told her everything about their future together and was well worth waiting for, but it didn’t last long enough. Their son forced his way between their legs and eventually they had to draw apart to pay him attention.

Smiling at each other, they each took one of his hands and went through into the kitchen together.

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