Lily’s War (39 page)

Lily opened the wardrobe and riffled through the garments hanging there. Most of her coupons went on buying wool or baby clothes because she enjoyed Paul looking and smelling nice and fresh, and besides he was growing so quickly. She found the crèpe-de-chîne dresses which had been part of her trousseau. An enormous sob swelled inside, her body began to shake and she burst into tears.

How long she lay on the bed crying she had no idea, but by the time the emotional storm had passed, her face was blotchy but she was feeling a lot better. She ran a bath and enjoyed pampering herself. She even pushed back her cuticles and filed her nails before smoothing Pond’s vanishing cream on her hands, not wanting to ladder the stockings first time on. She dressed in one of the floral dresses, pleased that it still fitted, and felt a sense of shock on gazing at her reflection. She looked much younger than yesterday and for the first time in a long while she did not feel her thirty-one years.

After the barest of hesitations, from a drawer she took a small photograph album and opened it. Slowly she turned the pages showing pictures of her and Matt on their wedding day. She had not possessed the courage to do this for a long time but today she felt strong enough to cope with the sight of their happy faces. Please God, bring him home, she prayed before closing the book.

Matt’s image was clear in Lily’s mind as she went downstairs. Daisy wolf-whistled as she entered the kitchen. ‘If Matt could see you now his tongue would be hanging out.’

‘Let’s hope it will when he comes home,’ she said cheerfully.

‘That’s the spirit, Lil.’ Daisy smiled as she placed a copy of
Woman
on the table. ‘What are we going to do with the baby? I thought our May would be here by now.’

Lily glanced at the clock. ‘Not for another couple of hours, but Mrs Draper will probably have him till she arrives.’

‘Let’s drop him off then and be on our way.’

Lily glanced about the huge ballroom with its long beautifully draped windows overlooking Clayton Square where the flower girls still managed to sell their wares. The room was three storeys up. On the floor below was Reece’s restaurant and below that the shop that sold meat, fruit, bread, cakes, all sorts of food. Next door was Owen Owens where she had bought her wedding dress. Her eyes took in the white linen-covered tables with all sorts of fancy cakes and then the band playing at the other side of the room. Her toes tapped out a tune despite her having second thoughts about being there. She had never seen so many men in uniform except in a Pathé newsreel and wondered what Matt would think if he knew she was here. There were some civilians whom she knew had paid half a crown to come in. Service personnel got in cheaper.

‘May I have this dance?’ The naval rating appeared in front of her as if by magic. He was neither tall, dark or handsome nor very young but his expression was hopeful.

‘I don’t dance very—’ she began.

Daisy trod on her foot and smiled at the seaman. ‘She’s been ill, so you’ll have to go easy with her, sailor.’ She forced her sister off her chair and on to her feet.

Lily had no option but to go with him as he pulled her into his arms to join the dancing throng circling the floor to a Glenn Miller number. She sought for something to say but the next moment she had forgotten her partner because, as she glanced over his shoulder in Daisy’s direction, she saw a man in RAF uniform stopping in front of her sister. There was something about his stance that made her wonder. But it couldn’t be, she told herself. What were the odds of Rob’s being here on the very day she was here for the first time? Besides this kind of thing surely wasn’t his cup of tea? She tried to catch a glimpse of the man’s face as her sister stood up but as her partner swirled her around, she lost sight of them.

For the rest of the dance Lily’s mind was only half on what her partner was saying as she tried to catch sight of Daisy. The music came to an end. Her partner inclined his head but did not ask for another dance or offer to escort her back to her place. And who could blame him? she thought as she made her way to her table.

Daisy was not there and it suddenly struck Lily that if she stayed at the table, and the man was Rob, he would recognise her and might be tempted to interfere in her life again. Before she had a chance to worry overmuch, a Canadian airman asked her for the next waltz. She accepted with alacrity and was soon part of the swirling scene again. This time she tried to concentrate on what her partner was saying. He told her he came from Ottawa and talked of his family back home. He seemed quite happy for her just to listen and her mind drifted as her eyes scanned passing couples. When the music stopped, he asked her to dance again and she accepted.

Two dances later and Lily had heard enough about Canada and its beautiful scenery and made the excuse she had to powder her nose. It was on the way back from the Ladies that she bumped into her sister. She seemed to be in another world. Her eyes were sparkly and she was humming a tune to herself.

‘Who was that you were with?’ said Lily, steadying her.

‘Which who?’ said Daisy.

‘The first RAF officer who?’

‘The Aussie? He didn’t give his name. They don’t always. They’re just whiling away the hours at this kind of dance. He was a bit of a dead loss actually. He trod on my foot and kept looking over my shoulder and didn’t listen to a word …’ She stopped abruptly. ‘Why d’you ask? It wasn’t …?’

‘Of course not!’ She knew immediately she had spoken too quickly and added in a lilting voice, ‘I’m just neurotic about Aussies in blue uniforms. Tell me instead who’s made your eyes sparkle and put a song in your heart?’

‘Another airman who suggested the most outrageous things in a deadpan way. He’s asked me out this evening but I said I couldn’t go because I’m with my sister. He said he had a mate. I said you were married. He said so was his mate. So I said—’

Lily interrupted her. ‘You go without me.’

Differing emotions warred with each other on Daisy’s expressive face. ‘Are you sure, Lil? I did plan on us making an evening of it.’

‘I’m sure.’ She smiled. ‘I feel heaps better and I appreciate the thought behind all this.’ Her waving hand encompassed the dancing couples, the noisy chat and the swinging musicians. ‘But I think I’ll go home now.’

Daisy could not conceal her relief. ‘Our May’ll be wanting to hear all about it anyway. It was partly her idea.’

‘I’ll tell her all about it. You go back to your man.’ She squeezed her sister’s arm and left.

Lily did not immediately go home. She walked up past the site on the corner of Clayton Square and Church Street where she and May had come not long after Paul’s birth to see a Halifax bomber assembled during ‘Wings for Victory’ week. There had been crowds in Liverpool that week. The streets were still crowded. Some came from Wales and other places like sightseers to look at the devastation Hitler had caused to the main shopping area. It made Lily sad, so she caught a tram which stopped at the Victoria monument. She remembered how she and Matt had changed trams there when searching for his aunt. By some miracle the monument had survived unscathed, a landmark for all to see amidst the expanse of ruin. Rule Britannia! she thought wryly. Yet somehow it was symbolic that the bronze Victoria was still there. Her spirits lifted. T. J. Hughes and other shops and stores which had suffered bomb or fire damage were still operating, and even Lewis’s was back in business. Hitler had failed.

She felt more her old optimistic self as she stood watching a ferry boat carrying goods from a cargo ship across the choppy water, and would have enjoyed a walk along the Prince’s landing stage to have a closer look at the ships but most of it was fenced off and barred to all except those with legitimate business.

She walked past the Riverside station and noticed what looked like aeroplane parts being loaded on to lorries further along the dock road. They were probably for the aircraft factory at Speke. She took several lungfuls of salty air, crossed the road, passing under the overhead railway, and had a look at the ruined sailors’ church. The diocese had suffered the loss of several churches, as well as Church House with its records and thousands of valuable books. She thought of Matt and how he had thrown himself into his work in Liverpool, and wondered if he did return, whether he would stay. It was a question she had no answer to.

Once more she gazed in the direction of the river and breathed deeply of the sea air before looking up at the Liver birds.

‘It’s all right, girl! They’re still there,’ said a gruff voice.

She looked round at an elderly, grey-haired gentleman leaning on a stick. A flush darkened her cheeks but she smiled. ‘How did you know I was checking?’

‘Because us Liverpudlians think the same. While they fly high, there’ll always be life in the city.’

She nodded. ‘I think you’re right. It would have been a morale crusher if Hitler had knocked them off their perch.’

The old man chuckled deep in his throat. ‘But we saw those black eagles of his off. They won’t return now.’

Lily murmured that she was sure he was right and said tarrah before catching the tram home.

She had barely got through the kitchen door when May started up, a book slipping from her knee, and said in a voice that quivered, ‘You’ve had a visitor.’

Lily stilled as their gazes caught. ‘Was it Rob?’

May’s expression was stormy and she did not ask how Lily knew. ‘I wouldn’t let him in the house! I told him he was a slimy toad trying to ruin your and Matt’s marriage!’

‘I bet he didn’t like that.’

Her sister’s eyes glinted. ‘You can say that again.’ She got to her feet, folding her arms across her chest. ‘Then he had the cheek to say he was surprised to hear me speak like that! That he’d always thought I liked him. I told him we all make mistakes and to get lost.’ Her eyes gazed unfocused across the room.

‘Did you tell him that Matt wasn’t here and about the baby?’ Lily had to ask the question three times before May’s gaze switched to her face.

‘What?’

Lily repeated the question.

‘I told him Matt had probably joined the Australian Army as a chaplain but we didn’t know where he was because it was all hush-hush. I doubt we’ll see Rob here again.’

Lily was not so sure but she kept her thoughts to herself and asked if Paul had been any trouble. May shook her head and asked whether she’d had a good time. Lily sat opposite her and began to tell her all about her outing.

‘It’s done you good,’ said May warmly. ‘I’m glad I thought of getting in touch with our Dais. But fancy you thinking Rob was there. He’s not exactly a tea dance man, would you say?’

‘Men can be full of surprises,’ said Lily drily, getting to her feet as she suddenly heard the lowing of a cow. ‘Did you do the second milking, by the way?’

May put a hand to her mouth, seized an apron and fled down the yard. Lily checked Paul was all right, rid herself of her fine feathers, and followed her sister.

Several weeks later Lily received a flimsy blue envelope. She squinted at the postmark but could not make it out. Her hands shook as she carefully opened it, not wanting to accidentally rip the paper. Relief flooded her as she caught sight of the words ‘God bless you, Matt’. Then her heart sank as she took in the lack of that word ‘love’. She flattened the single page out on the table, looked for a date but there was none – was that for security reasons also? She began to read.

Dear Lily,

I don’t know what to say. Your letter was so brief. I suppose I shouldn’t complain but I feel like a man starved. I couldn’t think what to write that first time beyond that single word SORRY. My feelings were all mixed up and I didn’t know what to say. I still had a lot of anger in me during the weeks after I left you. I kept wishing I’d strangled Rob Fraser instead of throwing him out of the house. So much for turning the other cheek and forgiving your brother seventy times seven. Primitive man still lives!

As you can guess I have had time to think out here. Where’s here? If I told you the censors would cut it out, so suffice to say I’ve been here before and you worried in case I was gobbled up. My being here makes me believe that maybe those years we spent apart were for a purpose after all. I love you. Never forget that.

God bless you,

Matt

She reread the words greedily, realising he must have only received her first letter because there was no mention of Paul. The words of love reassured her. There was the chance of a fresh start, of their being happy again if he returned safe from the war. If, if! Where was Matt’s war being fought? Her eyes scanned the words: ‘I’ve been here before and you worried in case I was gobbled up.’

‘New Guinea!’ she said aloud, and that gut-gripping fear which she had experienced during the blitz seized hold of her and she could not think straight for a moment. Then from the recesses of her mind she recalled reading in the newspaper of American bombers destroying over a hundred Japanese planes on airfields on the island. At least the Aussies were not alone and Matt knew the terrain.

She felt more hopeful. The tide of war was turning. Italy had surrendered and had declared war on Germany. Daisy’s airman boyfriend, who had been drafted south, had flown bombing ops over Berlin, and Daisy was convinced the Battle of the Atlantic was being won. Due, she said proudly, to the work of Western Approaches Command in Liverpool and Captain Johnny Walker who operated out of Gladstone Dock, Bootle, with his flotilla of ‘chicks’, as he called the sloops, named after birds, under his command. He was relentless in his search for U-boats, said Daisy. There was also talk of an army gathering for the invasion of Western Europe but most believed that would not happen until spring. The beginning of the end was in sight.

Lily read Matt’s letter once more and was reminded of Rob’s visit. Why had he come? Couldn’t he let things go? Knowing him as she did, she guessed he would have hated Matt getting the upper hand. Hopefully, though, he would take May’s words to heart and stay out of their lives. Casting him out of her mind, she went in search of pen, ink and paper to write to Matt.