Lily’s War (27 page)

Lily felt much better hearing all this but still had a question. ‘But why did you go to New Guinea in the first place? Why didn’t you stay in Queensland as you said in your last letter?’ She saw a muscle in his jaw clench and carried on in a whisper: ‘I know you were pretty fed up because I still hadn’t joined you, but …’

‘I was more than fed up!’ he interrupted. ‘I kept wondering if I’d made a mistake, given in to my carnal desires as the Bible says. I started thinking you didn’t love me enough after all – that you were realising you’d made a mistake in marrying me. That I was a means to an end which now you did not want after all. I needed to get away – to be alone – to think and to pray. So like St Peter with his fishing, I went back to what I already knew. Being alone was the way I’d always dealt with problems in the past, but it didn’t work this time because they weren’t just my problems but ours and I should have considered beforehand the changes being married would make. Instead I rushed you into marriage because I wanted you. It was the wrong thing to do as time proved.’

‘You were never just a means to an end,’ said Lily tautly. ‘And I don’t believe our marrying was wrong, but we should have talked more as you said. I had guessed some of what you’ve said. Miss Morell told me you probably needed to be alone – that marriage must have been a big step for you.’

‘She was right as usual. She’s known me a long time – was like a mother to me. I was utterly selfish.’

‘We can all be selfish,’ said Lily quietly. ‘But let’s get back to what you did. You went to New Guinea where the natives have been known to eat people. It doesn’t make sense!’

‘I suppose it wouldn’t make sense to most people but I needed isolation.’ His eyes twinkled unexpectedly. ‘You didn’t think I’d really been eaten, did you? It’s not quite like that any more in New Guinea. Most of the natives prefer roast pig.’

‘I didn’t know that!’ She flushed. ‘But truthfully I didn’t think of you being eaten, only that you’d left me without a word, having realised your mistake in marrying me.’

He stared at her intently. ‘And that mattered?’

‘Of course it mattered! Why else would I have gone out to Australia? Why else would I have spent months going here, there and everywhere trying to find you?’ There was anger in her voice as she remembered all the worry and pain of those months, and Rob Fraser. She wondered if now was the time to mention him but Matt had come back at her with more words.

‘You wouldn’t have had to do all that if you’d have done as I asked and gone out with me!’ He drew a deep breath. ‘Everything would have been all right! Neither of us would have been hurt! But if we both still care there’s a chance to mend things. We are husband and wife for better, for worse. Do you still care?’

‘Haven’t you been listening to what I’ve said?’ she whispered.

Matt did not hesitate but drew her into his arms and his mouth found hers unerringly. She stopped thinking and surrendered to the pleasure of the moment. With their mouths still locked, somehow they managed to climb the stairs. It was almost as if they were afraid to let go in case they lost each other again.

Inside the girls’ bedroom they tumbled on to the bed and continued to kiss and hold each other. She knew she wanted him, could feel desire rising inside her, was aware he wanted her. Suddenly they could not hold off any longer. She watched as he undressed, her fingers trembling as she struggled with her suspender button, but she managed and when he turned to her, naked, she was ready. Her breasts brushed against his bare chest and his mouth sought hers blindly. She could not get it out of her mind that after being torpedoed, he had crossed the world to find her despite the continuing danger of U-boats. Her bare toes rubbed the inside of his calf as her fingers wandered slowly down his chest, stroking the hairs on it, attempting to twist them round her little finger, reassuring herself of the reality of his presence. He removed her hand and buried his head against her breasts. ‘I’ve lived this moment over and over,’ he said in a muffled voice, holding her tightly.

‘Me too,’ she whispered, her insides melting as his hand slid lower and she remembered what ecstasy making love with him could be. She wanted to cement their relationship quickly, to be joined to him. With part of her mind she was still afraid that something might go wrong to prevent them sharing that oneness they had known before he had left for Australia. For a flashing instant Rob and Abby surfaced in the front of her mind again but she dismissed them. It was God who had been her rival and Joy had played her part in keeping them from each other. Rob had lied to her. There was no need to mention Abby and spoil things.

She explored Matt’s loins, enjoying knowing it gave him pleasure, but he removed her hand and rolled her on to her back, planting kisses all over her face. Then he ventured downwards, his mouth and fingers rediscovering her body in a way it had not forgotten, and then he took her and she surrendered everything to him.

The hammering on the bedroom door fortunately came after they had collapsed in a tangle of sweaty limbs. Yet they drew apart as if caught in some illicit act.

‘Lil! Did you put the kettle on?’ yelled Ronnie’s exasperated voice. ‘I heard it whistling just before it’s bottom boiled out but I thought I must have put it on and forgotten. It’s time to rise and shine. Are you getting up?’

She struggled to sit up but Matt’s arm across her body held her down and his laughing eyes gazed into hers. ‘I’ll be with you in a minute,’ she called to Ronnie.

‘OK. But don’t hang around. I’ll do you some toast.’

‘Thanks.’

Matt’s head drew closer and their lips met in a long, leisurely kiss. ‘Forgo the toast,’ he murmured. ‘Forget the cows. We’ve got three years to make up, Lil.’

She smiled and smoothed back a lock of tawny hair that had fallen into his eyes. ‘How many nights is that?’

‘More than a thousand.’ He nuzzled her ear. ‘We’d have to be at it day and night. We’d have no time for anything else. No eating, no sleeping, no praying.’ His mouth lingered on hers. ‘No parting, no war.’

‘The war!’ A sigh escaped her. ‘Much as I’d like to stay, I have to leave you. The cows are calling as is the cockerel and there’s only me and Ronnie to see to them.’

‘Where’s Ben?’ he asked.

‘With the army in Wales. He’s seen action in France but thank God he got away.’ Reluctantly she drew away from him.

‘And Daisy?’ He watched Lily as she reached for her clothes, unable to get enough of the sight of her.

She told him about Daisy and May as she dressed.

‘Poor Daisy.’ His eyes fixed on her face. ‘Wouldn’t you have been safer at the farm? Why stay here?’

‘Ronnie was determined not to go. I couldn’t leave him alone. Besides I felt I had a duty to keep the dairy going and help where I can. As well as that I’ve no desire to live under the same roof as Aunt Dora.’

‘I’ll have to find some war work here.’ He lay with his arms folded behind his head, his eyes narrowed in thought. ‘I’ve a feeling this is where the front line is going to be for some time.’

‘That’s what Ronnie says.’ She sat on the bed and his arm slipped about her waist. He kissed her again and she realised there was a desperate anxiety behind the kiss and with a sense of shock she thought, this is wartime and on front lines people get killed! They had to snatch every moment together they could, but for now she had to milk the cows or people would not get their pinta.

Lily told Ronnie about Matt’s return as they exchanged information about the raid.

Her brother was delighted. ‘Mr Jones is the one Matt should speak to,’ he said, forcing himself between two cows. ‘He reckons we’re in for it now good and proper, and every able-bodied man is going to be needed.’

She and Matt discussed what he was going to do over a breakfast of porridge and toast. She had offered him an egg but despite her saying they weren’t short because her hens were laying he told her to give it to a child, that porridge would do nicely, adding that he would sort himself out concerning papers and war work and she was not to worry about him or change her day.

Matt did not come in for lunch. Officialdom being what it was he could be some time. There had been an appeal for blood donors so Lily went to the Royal Infirmary along with a stream of other people, some of whom could not stop talking about last night’s raid. The Customs House had been set on fire and an air raid shelter in Cleveland Square had received a direct hit. It was depressing and upsetting and she did not want to think about it. Matt was back and making love had been wonderful. She did not want to let worry, jealousy or guilt cloud her happiness, although why she should feel guilty about Rob Fraser, she did not know. It was not as if they’d done more than kiss. Even so Matt might not see it in that light and she wanted nothing to spoil their life together from now on.

Lily had put a rabbit on to stew by the time Matt arrived home that evening. ‘Did you get everything sorted out?’ she asked.

He nodded, planting a kiss on the tip of her nose as he slid his arms around her waist. ‘I managed to see the vicar. The curate’s joined the army as a chaplain. It seems I might be of some use, organising a rest centre in the church hall for the homeless, keeping their spirits up and helping them to find other accommodation. He’s already got a couple of homeless families in the curate’s house. I said I’d be all right here. He’s going to get in touch with Church House about paying me something.’

She realised he was happy. ‘It seems as if you came at the right time.’

‘So did I until I saw Frank,’ he said ruefully. ‘He was surprised to see me and doesn’t seem to think I’m good for anything.’

‘How does he make that out?’

‘He says it’s because I’ve had no civil defence training and that I’m not a practical man!’

‘That’s not true,’ she said defensively. ‘I’ve seen you change a wheel.’

‘You tell him that, my sweet.’ He hugged her against him and kissed her. ‘I told him I was prepared to drive an ambulance but he said I don’t know the city well enough.’

‘The rat!’ Her eyes sparkled. ‘He
is
getting too big for his boots. You don’t have to know the whole city and you wouldn’t be on your own! I know of typists and housewives who’ve volunteered to drive ambulances. I’ll put you in touch with the right people. I’ll show him he can’t speak to my husband like that!’

‘Thank you, Lily, but don’t let’s turn Frank into an enemy.’ He rubbed his cheek against hers and his hands wandered over her body.

‘You’re too nice,’ she said reprovingly, pressing against him. ‘This is war.’

Matt smiled. ‘But we’re not at war with Frank.’

She nodded, thinking that Frank might have hoped Matt would never return but he had, thank God, and she hoped there would be no raid tonight. But why wait until tonight? ‘How many nights did you say went into three years?’ She began to untie her apron.

In his eyes there was a wakening response. ‘We’ll never get them back, Lil.’

‘No?’ She smiled.

He swept her off her feet and carried her upstairs and she felt overwhelmingly happy despite the unasked question about Abby still lurking in the dark recess of her mind.

Lily felt nauseous as she slumped in a chair in front of the fire after doing the milking and serving in the shop. Just ten minutes’ rest, she pleaded with God. At six that morning she had still been working with the mobile canteen, serving tea or soup and butties to the homeless, and nurses from the nearby nurses’ home in Mill Road which had been bombed.

It was difficult to believe in a couple of days it would be the season of goodwill and peace to all men. For the last three nights wave after wave of aircraft had passed over the city, dropping incendiaries, parachute mines and high explosives. She wondered what Ben would make of so many familiar landmarks damaged or obliterated. He had managed to get leave for Christmas but Daisy had written to say she could not face the long journey home. Lily had hoped the family could all be together and with that thought in mind had asked Matt to get in touch with his Aunt Jane.

Lily need not have mentioned it to him because Matt had made up his mind to visit her, having heard that Bootle had been hit hard during last night’s raid. It was not the first time it had suffered badly because of its docks and expanse of timber yards, some of which had caught fire last night. Jane did not live so close to the docks as to make it highly dangerous but the gasworks, easily recognisable from the air, was just a short distance away. An incendiary had dropped on it at the end of summer, causing little damage, and Matt had tried to persuade Jane to leave then but she had refused to go.

Lily worried about her husband. In the last couple of months she had discovered he had a fatalistic attitude to life and death which she was unsure whether to label heroic or foolhardy, because, despite Frank’s words, Matt’s offers of help to fight fires or rescue the buried had been received with gratitude from the often overstretched services. She sometimes wondered if he enjoyed the danger because of the kind of life he had led, and part of her wished he was different. She wanted him home safe because there was something important to tell him. She tried to imagine what he would say, but it was something else they had not thought to discuss before they married. She grimaced, closed her eyes, and dozed off.

Matt came in just as Lily closed the door for lunch, but he was not alone. With him were a boy and a girl of about four years old. Their hair could have been blonde beneath the dust and tears had washed paths through the dirt on their chubby little faces. There was the acrid smell of smoke and plaster dust emanating from them and she could have wept for them, and herself. She had so wanted a few hours alone with her husband. It was three nights since they had slept together and she saw little of him during the day as he sought to comfort the bereaved and help the living. Her eyes met his above the children’s heads. He looked tired, worried, and was as dirty and smelly as the children. It was not the first time he had brought the homeless home.

She forced a smile. ‘What have you been up to? Did you find Jane?’