Like a Lover (16 page)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The next
morning they were both tired and jaded. Josh had lain awake for hours in the
night, and judging by how restless Rupert had been, he hadn’t slept well
either. Their moods were sombre, and they were quiet as they packed up their
belongings ready to travel home.

They’d got
up early, deciding to skip the hotel breakfast and get on the road home as soon
as they could. Rupert had no desire to see his mother or Charles before
leaving, and Josh didn’t blame him. After the shitty way Charles had behaved
last night, Josh thought the ball was definitely in their court. He hoped
Rupert would eventually get the apology he deserved.

“We left
our suit jackets in the Ballroom,” Josh said as he loosely folded his
come-stained suit trousers to shove into his case. “Shall I go down and look
for them?”

“If you
don’t mind?” Rupert was still wearing just a T-shirt and boxers, but Josh was
fully dressed. “If you see Charles, run in the opposite direction and I’ll buy
us both new suits instead.” His lips quirked, but it only half sounded like a
joke.

Josh made
it downstairs without incident, but their jackets were gone. When he asked at
reception, the girl behind the counter made a call to someone to ask whether they’d
been found when the room was cleaned.

“Josh.” A
female voice made him turn; Geraldine was standing there with their jackets
over her arm. There was no sign of Charles—
thank God
—and her demeanour was nervous rather than
confrontational. “I picked these up last night after you left.” She handed the
jackets to Josh. “I… I’m so sorry about Charles, about what he said. Is Rupert
all right?”

“Depends on
what you mean by all right. But it’s not you who should be apologising, and
it’s not me who needs the apology.”

She flushed
but held his gaze. “I know. But I
am
sorry, and I’m sorry I wasn’t more welcoming to you on Friday night as well. I
just wasn’t expecting…. But never mind. After what Rupert said about being in
love with you, I realised I was wrong. Even before he said it, I could see it
in how he looked at you. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that before.
You make him happy.”

Josh’s
stomach twisted. If only she knew the reality of their situation. “Maybe,” he
said.

“You do.
I’ll talk to Charles and get him to contact Rupert and make amends.” There was
a thread of steel in her tone. Josh met her eyes. Sky blue and determined, they
reminded him of Rupert’s. “Please tell him I’m sorry, that I love him, and I’m
glad he’s found someone.”

“Tell him
yourself,” Josh said, but his voice was gentle. “I think he’d rather hear it
from you. Our room is number sixteen. Go up now. I’ll give it twenty minutes
before I come back up.”

Carrying
their jackets, Josh went out into the garden and retraced their steps of the
night before. He walked down to the trees by the lake and looked out across the
water. The swans came to greet him, looking expectant.

“Sorry,” he
said to them. “I came empty-handed again.”

He leaned
against a tree and replayed the events of last night again in his head, and the
conversations that had followed. He sighed. The problems they faced still
seemed equally insurmountable by daylight.

When he
went back to their room, Rupert was alone.

“Are you
okay?” Josh asked cautiously, laying the jackets down on the bed. He hoped he’d
done the right thing by sending Geraldine up to see Rupert.

“A heads-up
would have been nice.”

“I left my
phone up here. But she seemed genuine. I thought—”

“It’s fine,
Josh. You did the right thing. We…. Well, we’re not completely okay yet, but
it’s better. She likes you,” he added. “She said I should hang on to you. I
told her I was trying.” He gave Josh a small smile that didn’t quite reach his
eyes.

Josh didn’t
know how to answer, so he turned away and busied himself with putting the last
few things in his case before zipping it up.

“Are you
ready to leave?” Rupert asked when he’d finished.

“Yes.” Josh
wanted to go to Rupert, hug him and kiss him, drag him back to bed and get lost
in the physical again. All this emotional stuff was way too hard.

But instead
he lifted his case and led the way out of the door.

Once they
were on the motorway, Rupert raised the topic they’d both been avoiding all
morning.

“So. Are we
still in a stalemate situation here? My offer still stands. I want you to move
in with me—as my boyfriend—and for you to let me support you
through your final year. You can pay me back if you want to. Call it a loan if
that makes it better?” Rupert kept his gaze fixed on the road in front as he
said clearly. “I love you, Josh, and I want you in my life to stay.”

Tears
pricked at Josh’s eyelids. Hearing the words in the daylight made them even
more real. Josh had been wondering how much of Rupert’s declarations last night
were fuelled by alcohol as well as emotions, but now he believed him 100
percent. He could hear it in the barely concealed pleading in Rupert’s tone,
and read it in the tension of his hands on the steering wheel.

“I love you
too.” Josh had to say it back. It was true, and he owed Rupert his honesty. His
throat was tight and he struggled to get the words out. “But I don’t think I
can accept that offer. Maybe I’m crazy not to, I don’t know. I just….” He
couldn’t articulate it. He felt as though he was being pulled in two. His heart
was pulling him in one direction, saying yes, but his brain was saying no. “Can
I think about it for a few days?”

“Of
course,” Rupert said quickly. “I know it’s a huge decision. Moving in with me
would be big enough even without the rest of it.”

“Yeah.”
Although, strangely, the living-together part was the least of Josh’s worries.
That part would be easy, but he needed to find a way he could move in with
Rupert and feel like his equal.

When Rupert
dropped Josh back home, he got out and walked him to his front door. The
intensity of his gaze made Josh’s heart pound and his stomach swoop. He needed
time away from Rupert to think rationally, because when Rupert looked at him
like that, it made Josh want to agree to everything he suggested.

“I’ll be in
touch,” Josh promised. “Give me some space for a day or so, okay?”

Rupert
nodded. “Okay.” Then, oddly formal, he asked, “Can I kiss you goodbye?”

“Of
course.” Josh put his case down and pulled Rupert close.

As their
lips met, he tried not to think about the fact that this might be the last time
they did this. But if he refused Rupert’s offer, they would have to stop seeing
each other, for both their sakes. His heart hurt at the idea of this being
over, and he twisted his fingers into Rupert’s hair, kissing him harder until
they were both breathless. When Josh finally pulled away, his eyes were
embarrassingly damp, and he blinked away the tears that threatened.

“I’ll call
you soon,” he said.

Rupert
nodded. “Take care.”

“You too.”

The house
was quiet when Josh let himself in. “Anyone home?” he called, his voice echoing
up the stairwell. “Hello?”

There was
no response. He knew Dani was away on holiday with her boyfriend now, and Shawn
and Mike had gone home for the summer, but Jez and Mac were still there. Then
he remembered Mac had got some temporary construction work this week, and he
guessed Jez must be working too. After losing his job at the cafe before
Christmas, Jez had managed to get some shifts in a local supermarket.

Josh
carried his case up to his bedroom and flopped down on his bed. He couldn’t be
bothered to unpack, and exhaustion was catching up with him after his shitty
night’s sleep. It was warm in his top floor bedroom, and tiredness rolled over
him like a wave, making him yawn as his eyelids began to droop. He curled onto
his side and hugged his pillow to his chest, closed his eyes, and slept.

When Josh
awoke to the slam of the front door, it was late afternoon. Sweaty and
disoriented, he blinked at the bright sunlight that was now slanting in through
his attic window. He stood and swayed, momentarily dizzy from the sudden move
from horizontal to vertical, and paused while he waited for the blood to reach
his brain. Then he stumbled over to open his window and let some fresher air
into the stuffy heat of the room. A bottle of water stood on his desk; his
mouth was dry, so he opened it and drank. Lukewarm, but still refreshing, he
could almost feel the liquid reaching his bloodstream and then his brain,
waking him up and clearing his sleep-addled thoughts.

His stomach
growled, reminding him he’d skipped breakfast and slept through lunchtime.

He went
downstairs and found Jez in the kitchen, frying bacon and buttering slices of
bread. The smell of the bacon made another pang of hunger clench at Josh’s gut.

“Hi.” Jez
grinned. “How are you? Did you have a good weekend with your bloke?”

“Um… yeah.
I guess.” Parts of the weekend had been good, he supposed.

“Lots of
hotel sex?”

“Some.”
Josh smiled, remembering the fumble in the woods last night and wondering
whether that still counted. He went to the fridge and stared at his
almost-empty shelf. A lump of questionable cheese rubbed shoulders with a
tired-looking half cucumber and some hummus that was probably past its best. He
really needed to go shopping later. “Can I nick a couple of pieces of bread?
I’m out of everything.”

“Sure, help
yourself.”

Josh fixed
himself some cheese on toast while Jez finished making his bacon sarnie. They
ate their food in the living room with the telly on, as usual. Jez was watching
some US comedy on Netflix, but Josh wasn’t paying any attention to it. His head
was too full of thoughts of Rupert.

“Josh!”

“Huh?” He
belatedly realised Jez was addressing him.

“Are you
all right, mate? You were miles away. You seem a bit preoccupied.”

Josh
sighed, and put his empty plate down so he could curl his knees up and snuggle
down into his corner of the sofa.

“Yeah. No.
I don’t know.”

Jez hit
pause on the remote and turned to look at Josh questioningly. “Man trouble?
Wanna tell me about it?”

Josh
considered. He could use someone to talk this through with, and the obvious
person—Dani—wasn’t around. “It’s a long story,” he hedged,
wondering whether he could trust Jez not to judge him, because there was no way
he could explain the problem without fessing up to his escort work. He reckoned
Jez would probably be cool.

“Mac’s
working late, and I have time on my hands.” Jez shifted around on the sofa,
leaning back against the arm now. “Spill.”

So Josh
took a deep breath, screwed up his courage, and did just that.

“Wow,” Jez
finally said when Josh had finished filling him in. “Fuck. I can’t believe I
didn’t know about this. All this time? That’s how you’ve been paying your way
through uni?” He seemed incredulous but not disapproving; he sounded more
admiring than anything.

Josh nodded.

“And you
earned enough to cover everything? I assumed you had student loans like
everyone else.”

“Nope. I
was hoping to get through the three years without needing one.”

“You do
know you don’t even have to start paying them back till you’re earning loads,
yeah?”

“I know,
but why leave uni with masses of debt if I don’t need to?”

“But now,
if you’re going to be with Rupert, you’d need to stop… turning tricks or
whatever you call it.”

“I call it
fucking guys for money,” Josh said dryly. “But yeah, that’s what it comes down
to. He wants me to move in with him rent-free. He’ll pay my uni fees, my living
costs, all of it.”

Jez
shrugged. “And this is a problem because?”

“Because
how is that different to him paying me for sex? Maybe it will feel different to
him, but I’ll still feel like he owns me if he pays for everything.”

“So, you’re
going to throw away the chance of a relationship with a guy you care about
because of what? Your pride?”

Josh
shrugged, irritation rising because Jez didn’t get it. “But I don’t see how it
can ever be a healthy relationship when it started out this way.”

“Relationships
start in all sorts of weird ways, Josh. Look at me and Mac. We started out by
wanking to porn together, and Mac wasn’t even into blokes. You couldn’t make that
shit up. But look at us now, six months down the line and still going strong.
And when I freaked out about it, because I didn’t think Mac could ever want
more than sex with me,
you
were the
one who told me to give it a chance and be honest with him.” Jez’s voice rose
as he emphasised the point. “You said as long as we were into each other, as
long as we were good together, none of the rest of it mattered. I know your
situation with Rupert is fucked up for a different reason, but I think that
advice works here too. If you love each other, if you really want to be
together, then you can find a way to make this work.”