Lighter Shades of Grey (16 page)

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Authors: Cassandra Parkin

Tags: #Erotic fiction, Fan fiction, 50 Shades of Grey, Humour, Parody, Lampoon, Satire

BOOK: Lighter Shades of Grey
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Alcohol intake is notoriously difficult to quantify. Differing drink strengths, variable measures and recipes and under-reporting by the user all make assessment difficult.

However, working with the assumptions that Ana drinks an equal share of all shared bottles, that she finishes every drink she’s given, and that all of her alcohol intake is reported, it’s possible to make an approximation. Based on these assumptions, Ana’s intake is between 98 and 105 units over the twenty-five day period (depending on the strength of the cocktails she’s drinking).

  • Ana’s average daily intake:
    3.9 to 4.2 units

  • Recommended maximum daily intake for women:
    2.0 – 3.0 units

  • Ana’s intake as a percentage of the recommended daily maximum:
    130% to 210%

“Oh my...”

However, for the first two weeks of the narrative, Ana is preparing for and then completing her final exams. During this period - with the single exception of a bottle of champagne shared with Kate and José – Ana does not appear to drink alcohol at all.

Ana’s daily alcohol intake during the period of her active relationship with Christian is therefore much higher:

  • Ana’s average daily intake:
    6.7 to 7.3 units

  • Recommended maximum daily intake for women:
    2.0 – 3.0 units

  • Ana’s intake as a percentage of the recommended daily maximum:
    223% to 365%

“Holy hell!”

This marked increase in Ana’s alcohol intake – coupled with the fact that she’s arguably as drunk as a skunk for most of her waking hours - may explain the erratic behaviour, impulsive actions and increasingly poor decision-making she consistently shows during the period of her relationship with Christian.

Ana’s attitudes to alcohol

“There – that told him, my courage fuelled by alcohol.”

In addition to her excessive intake, Ana frequently expresses potentially risky and problematic
attitudes
to alcohol. At various points in the narrative, she describes a number of personal attributes she believes improve with alcohol, including:

  • courage (p57)

  • dancing ability (p63)

  • ability to relax (p163)

  • sexual arousal (p193)

  • negotiating ability (p222)

  • honesty (p272)

All of these represent areas of Ana’s personality where she feels she is naturally deficient or inadequate compared to other people. Essentially, Ana’s perception of alcohol is that drinking enables her to become closer to the person she wants to be.

Anna’s ability to regulate her alcohol intake

“As I down my fifth glass, I know this is not a good idea on top of the champagne.” (p56)

It is notable that during the narrative, Ana almost always accepts alcohol when it’s offered to her. This is the case even when she has already drunk more than she feels is sensible (p56, above), when she is aware that it’s beginning to cloud her judgement (p258) and within twenty-four hours of a firm and well-justified decision not to drink ever again (p60, p94). On the single occasion when she declines an offer of alcohol (p221), she instantly regrets her decision (p222).

Conclusion

Developing a dependency on alcohol takes time, and we only have four weeks of data (during which Ana is celebrating her graduation). It’s probably a bit soon to declare that Ana is an alcoholic, or even that she’s a consistently problem drinker.

However, it has to be said that we’re not seeing a healthy pattern of behaviour here.

Ana’s Alcohol Diary

  • 1/3 bottle champagne at home with Kate and José:
    3 units

  • ½ bottle champagne at home with Kate:
    4.5 units

  • 5 Margaritas in the bar after her exams:
    10 units

  • 2 large glasses white wine at Christian’s apartment:
    6 units

  • 1 large glass white wine over lunch with Christian
    : 3 units

  • ½ bottle red wine at home with Kate:
    5.5 units

  • ½ bottle red wine at home with Kate (again):
    5.5 units

  • 1 large glass white wine over dinner with Christian:
    3 units

  • 1 glass fizzy wine at her graduation:
    2 units

  • ½ bottle champagne at home with Christian:
    4.5 units

  • ½ bottle red wine at home with Kate:
    5.5 units

  • 2 x bottles of beer at home with Kate, José and Elliot:
    4 units

  • 2 to 3 more bottles of beer at a bar with José:
    4 – 6 units

  • ½ bottle champagne at home with Kate:
    4.5 units

  • ½ bottle wine over dinner with Christian:
    5.5 units

  • Glass of prosecco at Christian’s parents’ house:
    2 units

  • 1 large glass red wine at Christian’s parents’ house:
    3 units

  • 2 glasses champagne at the airport / on the plane:
    4 units

  • 1 champagne cocktail on the plane:
    2 units

  • 1/3 bottle champagne at home with her mother and Ray:
    3 units

  • 4 Cosmopolitans at the hotel with her mother:
    8 units

  • 2 large glasses wine over lunch with Christian:
    6 units

TOTAL…………………………………………98 units

Appendix Three

Is Christian Grey a psychopath?

“He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.” (p100)

What is a psychopath?

Psychopathy – also referred to as sociopathy – is a non-correctable defect of character, distinguished by a pervasive disregard for the feelings of others, and for the societal norms of behaviour.

Don’t psychopaths all go round killing people?

While quite a lot of successful serial killers do turn out to be psychopaths, not all psychopaths are serial killers. This is mainly because - while all psychopaths will ruthlessly pursue whatever their selfish goal happens to be - not all psychopaths actually want to kill people. However, they will all go after whatever it is that
does
float their boat, without giving a moment’s thought to the consequences for other people.

Somewhat alarmingly, the incidence of psychopathy in the general population is estimated to be about four per cent. In prison populations, that rises to about twenty per cent.

And according to some studies, the other place you’ll find a twenty per cent rate of psychopathy is among the senior managers of large corporations.

Diagnosing psychopathy

There are a number of diagnostic methods, but I’ll be using the iconic psychopath-spotting tool* - the Psychopathy Checklist, Revised (PCL-R) developed by Dr Robert Hare.

How the PCL-R questionnaire works

PCL-R consists of twenty personality attributes. For each attribute, the person being assessed is given a score of 0 (definitely does not apply), 1 (applies somewhat or only in a limited sense) or 2 (definitely applies). The maximum possible score is forty.

*
Please note that while I’m cheerfully hijacking a serious clinical tool for the purposes of idle entertainment, it’s not actually possible for a layperson to reliably diagnose psychopathy. If someone you know is behaving in such a poor-quality manner that you’re wondering if they might be a psychopath, don’t waste your time trying to work out whether they’ve got a diagnosable disorder, or are simply being a huge prick. Just get them out of your life as soon as possible, and move on.

Person under assessment: Christian Grey

Glibness / superficial charm……score: 2

Ana and many other characters frequently comment on how charming Christian is. He charms almost everyone he meets, and most are overwhelmed by his attractiveness.

Grandiose sense of self-worth……score: 1

Christian clearly thinks very highly of himself and often speaks of himself in self-aggrandising terms. On the other hand, he’s become a self-made billionaire before his thirtieth birthday, so he may have a point.

Need for stimulation / prone to boredom……score: 2

Christian’s hobbies are visibly high-risk and thrill-seeking. His sex life is promiscuous and highly varied.

Pathological lying……score: 1

We see no evidence that Christian is a habitual liar (although he does make some fairly unusual claims about his personal life-experiences for which the oly evidence is his own testimony).

However, he does engage in grandstanding statements that can easily be disproven (he can fire twenty thousand people at will, with no damage to his business) and / or which are clearly self-serving (he was protecting Ana from rape when he kidnapped her).

Conning / manipulative……score: 2

Christian frequently and effortlessly manipulates Ana into doing things she either doesn’t want to do, or is unsure about doing, using a smooth combination of flattery, threats and emotional blackmail.

Lack of remorse or guilt……score: 2

On several occasions, Christian responds to Ana’s emotional pain with anger and / or puzzlement. He only apologises when he will clearly benefit from doing so (e.g. when it becomes clear Ana is considering leaving him). His apologies are usually couched as justifications for his own behaviour (“I can’t help it, it’s how I am”) rather than an acknowledgement of the pain he has caused Ana.

Shallow affect……score: 2

While he claims to be devoted to her welfare, Christian demonstrates little empathy with Ana, frequently ignoring her physical and emotional needs in favour of his own (e.g. insisting on sex when she is exhausted, leaving her alone after sex when she clearly wants him to stay).

When Ana’s needs diverge from his own agenda, Christian often displays resentment, which he makes little or no attempt to disguise.

Callous / lack of empathy……score: 2

While Christian frequently claims to be concerned for Ana, this is most often couched in reference to
his own
needs and
feelings (“I have an issue with wasted food” rather than “You must be hungry”; his belief that Ana will inevitably enjoy anal intercourse because
he
enjoys it). When Ana expresses a clear emotional need, he often claims to be unable to meet it, and solicits her sympathy towards him instead.

Parasitic lifestyle……score: 0

Christian is independently extremely wealthy, and has seemingly achieved this through his own hard work.

Poor behavioural controls……score: 2

Christian frequently breaks his own declared intention to stay away from Ana until she is ready (“Fuck the contract”, “I thought I’d come in person”, his unscheduled arrival in Georgia).

He also engages in an act of kidnap, even though there are multiple witnesses to his removal of Ana from the bar, and at least one person (Kate) who will quickly know he has not done as he promised and taken Ana home.

Promiscuous sexual behaviour……score: 2

Assuming Christian is telling the truth, he has had sex with somewhere between twenty and a hundred partners, including an unknown number of sex-workers.

Early behaviour problems……score: 2

Christian tells Ana that he has dabbled with drugs in the past, and had he not met “Mrs Robinson”, he might have become an addict. He also makes frequent reference to his early and on-going need to hurt people, and his inability to give or accept love.

Lack of realistic, long-term goals……score: 0

While Christian thinks highly of himself and his abilities, his achievements to date are exceptional and his assessment of himself appears justified.

Impulsivity……score: 2

Christian frequently acts on impulse (tracking Ana down in the bar, leaving the dinner-table to have sex with Ana in the boathouse, travelling to Georgia at short notice), and actively requires others to do so as well (forcing Ana out of bed to come gliding).

Irresponsibility……score: 0

While Christian is impulsive, aggressive and frequently cruel, we do not see any evidence of him abandoning an existing responsibility to pursue his own ends.

Failure to accept responsibility for actions……score: 2

Christian is often puzzled when others are angry with him for things he’s done. He justifies his kidnap of Ana by claiming he was protecting his upholstery and then, later, as protecting her from José; he rationalises the giving of unwanted presents as Ana over-thinking things; he frequently and wilfully fails to notice signs of Ana’s emotional upset.

Many short-term marital relationships……score: 2

While Christian has never been married, he cites fifteen relationships with women which he describes as monogamous and meaningful.

Juvenile delinquency……score: 1

As mentioned above, Christian admits to having dabbled with drugs and other undesirable behaviours in his teens – only being apparently “saved” by his relationship with “Mrs Robinson”.

Revocation of conditional release……score: 0

As far as we can tell, Christian has never been in prison.

Criminal versatility……score: 2

Christian is adept at using criminal techniques that further his goals, including the illegal installation of tracking software on Ana’s mobile phone, illegally accessing information about her travel plans and taking her away from her friends without her consent. (He may have drugged her first to do so.) He does these things with no obvious sense of guilt and clearly feels all his actions are justified.

Final scores

Cut-off point recommended by Dr Hare for a diagnosis of psychopathy
: 30

Cut-off point typically used in research for a diagnosis of psychopathy
: 25 – 30

Cut-off typically used in the British courts for a diagnosis of psychopathy:
25

Christian’s score
: 29

Your Intrepid Reviewer

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