Read Lighter Shades of Grey Online
Authors: Cassandra Parkin
Tags: #Erotic fiction, Fan fiction, 50 Shades of Grey, Humour, Parody, Lampoon, Satire
Lighter Shades of Grey
Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen
Chapters Eighteen and Nineteen
Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One
Chapters Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four
Chapters Twenty-five and Twenty-six
A (very) Critical Reader’s Guide to “Fifty Shades of Grey”
Cassandra Parkin
For the best English teacher I ever had
John Bond
Who once wrote the word “coo” in the margin of my essay
and saved me from a lifetime of flowery prose
An introduction
“I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe” (Arthur Dent)
As of the time of writing, more than ten million copies of E L James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” have been sold worldwide. By the time you read this, its sales may well have doubled. And by the end of the week, we should be passing through the “Fifty Shades of Grey Event Horizon”, where copies of existing books spontaneously start featuring the phrase “Oh my” at strategic locations, and all covers begin to resemble monochrome close-ups of pieces of men’s clothing.
Even if you feel there’s something wrong with a world where this book will shortly be outselling bread, it’s hard to argue that “Fifty Shades of Grey” isn’t…significant. And a book this…significant…deserves to be subjected to thorough textual analysis. By taking it apart into teeny tiny small little pieces and putting those pieces under a spiteful, mean-spirited microscope, we may all just learn something about the elusive nature of the bestseller.
And at the very least, we’ll all get to spend time enjoyably picking holes in the success of others. And time spent having fun is rarely wasted, I think.
Who is this book for?
Some of us have unashamedly embraced the “Fifty Shades” happening, and are cheerfully recommending it to everyone who will stand still long enough to listen. If you think Christian Grey’s tousled hair and well-hung pants are hotter than the centre of the Earth, this book is for you. Because right now,
as you read this sentence,
hundreds of people are insulting the book you love. It’s important to be prepared for the kind of arguments they’re likely to put to you.
Some of us like to pretend we’re above it all, but have still got a shameful “Fifty Shades” copy shoved furtively underneath the bed or hidden away on our Kindles. If you’re trying to decide whether you love “Fifty Shades” or hate it, this book is here to help you make up your mind.
Finally, a few of us have braved accusations of elitism and literary snobbery and declared our intention never to read “Fifty Shades” because it’s crap, and have been instantly besieged with people asking
how you can possibly KNOW that when you haven’t even READ it, what are you AFRAID of, are you afraid you might LIKE it or something
? If you want to be able to pick big giant holes in “Fifty Shades” without having to actually read it, this book is definitely for you.
The “Fifty Shades” plot: Virgin meets Billionaire, does BDSM
When gawky twenty-one-year-old virgin Anastasia Steele is sent to interview gorgeous billionaire Christian Grey for her college newspaper, they find themselves drawn to each other. And when Christian reveals that he is, in his words, “fifty shades of fucked up” and can only enjoy sexual relationships based on submission and control, Ana agrees to explore her boundaries with him and see if they can find a way to make it work.
Ana and Christian then have quite a lot of sex, ranging in style from vanilla to moderately kinky. Despite their best efforts, at the end of the book they decide they are just too different to make it work, leaving them devastated, and also perfectly placed for the sequels, “Fifty Shades Darker” and “Fifty Shades Freed”.
So why are we all buying “Fifty Shades of Grey”?
Sometimes, it’s possible to blame the publishing industry, for heavy promotion of books which some of us might not think deserve
quite
as much attention as they’re getting. Not this time.
Unlike previous summer blockbusters such as “Valley of the Dolls” and “The Da Vinci Code”, “Fifty Shades of Grey” has not been rammed down the throats of an unsuspecting public using a large stick and a vast marketing investment. “Fifty Shades” is a true viral hit, beginning as a self-published e-book from its author’s website before being picked up by a small e-publisher and then finally making the breakthrough to a mahoosive print deal with Doubleday.
Which basically means that - however much we try and act all superior and baffled – we unquestionably did this to ourselves.
Mommy porn
In an attempt to explain the book’s success, some reviewers have spawned the objectionable phrase “Mommy porn”. Their thesis is that none of us women have ever before read or even heard of any form of erotic writing in our entire lives, at all, ever. And that’s why we’re all stockpiling “Fifty Shades” copies in our underwear drawer.
Well, it’s nice to know that book reviewers still lead such naïve cloistered lives that they don’t know how we entertain ourselves when the kids are at school but
The Jeremy Kyle Show
isn’t on yet. Bless.
“Fifty Shades” and Fan Fiction: the “Twilight” connection
For the uninitiated, Fan Fiction describes non-profit-making works in which authors take characters from existing books, films, TV series or other creative works, and create new stories. Fanfics are posted on vast online sharing sites, so that like-minded souls can enjoy the author’s work. To protect their identities, most Fanfic authors post their work pseudonymously.
The scope of Fan Fictions can vary enormously. Many are simply short stories featuring two characters the author admires, extensively getting it on with each other. At the other end of the spectrum, some Fanfic authors produce novel-length Alternative Universe (AU) stories which keep only a few elements of the original work.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” began life as a “Twilight” Fan Fiction. It was posted under the pen-name Snowqueen Icedragon, which I can assure you is a long way from being the very strangest pseudonym on the site, and was entitled “Master of the Universe”.
“Fifty Shades” readers familiar with “Twilight” will soon notice a number of eerie similarities between Edward and Christian, between Bella and Ana, between Emmett and Elliot, etc. Despite this, there’s really not much mileage in claiming that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is just “Twilight” by another name. The central premise of the “Twilight” saga is “vampire and werewolf in love-triangle with human”, and it has to be said that there are absolutely no vampires or werewolves in “Fifty Shades”.
Also, Stephenie Meyer has publically shared her firm opinion that the two texts exist independently of each other, and it seems only fair that she gets the casting vote.
And before we all start laughing too hard at the notion of grown adults writing a story that once shared cyberspace with Mr Spock and Captain Kirk taking a bath, changing a few names, then turning it into a blockbusting bestseller, let’s just remind ourselves of how many copies of “Fifty Shades” we, as a species, have now bought. Again, people – we have done this to ourselves.
Besides, why on earth would we laugh at the book’s Fanfic origins when there’s so much else to go at…?
In which we meet our protagonists, learn about how businesses work, and look at quite a lot of sandstone
Our first meeting with our heroine
I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal…Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. (p3)
A bad start.
In the scheme of things, Ana, bad hair is not a problem. Please try to be less self-absorbed.
I seriously doubt that Kate got flu just to spite you.
Anastasia arrives at Christian Grey’s headquarters and takes the elevator
I walk into the enormous – and frankly intimidating – glass, steel and white sandstone lobby. Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me (p4)
[on exiting the elevator:]
I’m in another large lobby – again all glass, steel and white sandstone. I’m confronted by another desk of sandstone and another young blonde woman dressed impeccably in black and white. (p5)
Note to E L James. It is not possible to create the impression of luxurious yet understated opulence simply by over-using the word “sandstone”.
Note to Ana. Maybe you just got in the lift and forgot to press the button.
Photo: C+H [flickr]
Anastasia waits outside Christian’s office to start the interview
To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. (p6)
Dear E L James,
In literary terms, there is no such thing as a “classic British novel”. There are Romantic novels, picaresque novels, High Victorian novels, epistolary novels, Utopian novels, satirical novels, Condition-of-England novels…but not “classic British novels”.
Therefore, merely by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”, you have entirely undermined the impression you were intending to create by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”.
Anastasia speculates on what Christian Grey will be like
Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned and fair-haired to match the rest of the personnel. (p6)
Dear Ana,
A more logical way to estimate his age would be to consider the typical length of time it would take to reach the position of CEO of a multinational conglomerate, make the working assumption that he attended college, then add likely career length to likely graduation age. There is little or no point trying to estimate people’s ages based on the architectural style of the building they happen to be in at the time.
Really successful businesspeople almost never hire people on the basis of how much said prospective employees resemble them.