Lick Your Neighbor (25 page)

10
The Animal Uprising

The sun retreated from a long, dreary day in Duxbury, muttering to himself. “Those clouds are going to roast for this. One day, one day.”

To celebrate their triumph, the clouds popped the corks on the last few drops of water they had in them, which drifted down in a fine mist.

With its wipers pushing aside the mist, and its sirens flashing, a police cruiser raced down Washington Street. Officer Truax was at the wheel, Ainsworth fumbled with a road map beside him. Andie sat in the back with her hands calmly folded in her lap.

Andie had kept quiet for the entire ride, not saying a single word as they drove in and around Duxbury over and over again. But seeing as this was their sixth trip down Washington Street that evening, she felt like something needed to be said.

“You jackasses have absolutely no goddamn idea where you’re going, do you?”

“Of course we do,” Ainsworth said. “We’re going toward that light.”

“Duh,” Truax added.

The vertical beam of light could be seen from the road, and Truax and Ainsworth were trying to navigate their way to it. However, that was easier said than done since the light was well off the main roads, and apparently in the middle of a field. They had tried turning off onto almost every side road without luck, and were running out of options.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Andie asked. “Bugs and dead people always go toward the light, and you know how that turns out.”

Ainsworth eyed her in the rear mirror. “I wouldn’t be joking around if I were you. I have a hunch that your fugitive husband has something to do with that light that almost blinded us. If we find him maliciously wielding some sort of humongous flashlight, then that’s assaulting an officer of the law. Combine that with the murders of Gus, Mayflower Jenkins, and that Duxbury Times editor, and his fate is sealed. He’ll get life behind bars, easy. What do you have to say about that, funnyface?”

“You do realize that a flashlight would have to be the size of a buidling to be that bright. How exactly would he
wield
something that big?”

“I don’t know, but we’re gonna find out.” With that, Ainsworth picked up the police radio. “Dispatch, do you copy? This is Officer Ainsworth in car fourteen. Over.”

“
Officer Ainsworth, this is Dispatch. We copy. Over.”

“Requesting helicopter backup. Over.”

“Roger that, Officer Ainsworth. What is the purpose of helicopter back-up? Over.”

“We’re trying to find out if suspect Dale Alden is maliciously using a flashlight as a weapon. We need the chopper to pinpoint location of said flashlight. Over.”

“
Say again, Officer Ainsworth? Over.”

“A big beam of light. It assaulted myself and Officer Truax. We’re still blinking from the extreme brightness. Over.”

“
Are you saying you were assaulted by a beam of light, are now in pursuit of a flashlight, and are requesting chopper support? Over.”

“Affirmative. Over.”

“
Officer Ainsworth, please stand by.”

Ainsworth turned around, flashed a big smile at Andie. “As soon as we get that chopper, your hubby is as good as convicted.”

Ainsworth and Truax high-fived.

“Officers Ainsworth and Truax you are both ordered to return to the station immediately. Over.”

“What about our chopper? Over.”

“Chopper request denied. I repeat, return to station immediately. Over.”

“Why do they want us to return to base?” Truax asked.

“Beats me. Maybe they’re calling the Feds in on this one.”

“Or maybe, they think you’re both batshit crazy,” Andie suggested.

Truax shifted uncomfortably. “Are we?”

Ainsworth had to think about that one for a moment.

“No. They’re the ones who are crazy. This is
our
case. No way are they taking this one from us.”

“
Officer Ainsworth, do you copy? Over.

“Uh, dispatch, our radio seems to be malfunctioning. We can’t hear a word you’re saying. It’s all coming across as static and gibberish.”

“Yeah and it’s on fire!” Truax shouted.

Ainsworth smacked Truax upside the head.

“
How exactly is your radio on fire? Over.”

“It just is, okay?” Truax said. “There’s smoke everywhere and we can barely breathe. We’re going to try urinating on it to put it out. I only pray that our bladders are full to the brim! It’s our only hope!”

“Over and out!” Ainsworth shouted before clicking off the radio and smacking Truax again.

“We’re going to urinate on it?” he said. “Don’t you think that was a bit much?”

“No.” Truax rubbed his skull sulkily. “I thought it brought an element of reality to the situation.”

“How so?”

“What’s more real than things like vomit, crap, and urine? Nothing, that’s what.”

“Just keep driving. We’ll go off-roading to find that damn light if we have to. When we come back with Alden in cuffs and his colossal flashlight strapped to the roof, we’ll show them who’s crazy.”

Andie sighed and gazed listlessly out the side window. There she saw Officer Gilly pull even with the squad car on his motorcycle. He wasn’t alone. Judy Stitch sat behind him, arms around his waist and a police helmet on her head.

Gilly gave the thumbs up, which Ainsworth returned.

In the rearview mirror, Truax spied a black Cadillac pulling up close behind the cruiser’s tail. “What’s this joker on about? What kind of a nut tailgates a cop?”

“Just slow down. Get behind Gilly and let him pass. We have bigger rabbits to braise than a reckless driver.”

Truax eased off the gas and slid into the other lane. The Cadillac immediately roared ahead, nearly clipping the cruiser as it passed.

In the few seconds that the two cars were even with each other, Ainsworth, Truax, and Andie’s eyes went wide.

The Cadillac was occupied by two men in the front, and two in the back. They were all sitting up straight and staring dead ahead through beady black eyes.

“Beaks,” Truax said. “Those guys have beaks.”

“My God, it’s happening.” Ainsworth’s hand moved down to unholster his gun. “I thought it was just a children’s song, but it’s real. It’s really happening.”

“What is?”

“The Animal Uprising.”

“The what?”

“You know.” Ainsworth broke into song.

There’s nowhere to run and nothing to do

When you’re stuck in the middle of a chicken coup

You used to sleep soundly but that was before

You found yourself fighting a gorilla war

You’re getting farm reports that you can’t digest

And you just didn’t expect all this pheasant unrest

Beware of the moles when your secrets are deep

And light up one if by lamb and two if by sheep

Andie joined Ainsworth in the chorus.

It’s an animal uprising

Really quite surprising

This animal uprising

Really quite surprising

The Caddy pulled clear of the cruiser and drew even with the motorcycle. Both Gilly and Judy made the mistake of turning their heads and looking at the car at the same moment that the beakman in the passenger seat turned and looked out the window. The hideous sight of the bald, beaked man, coupled with Judy’s piercing scream, was enough to startle Gilly into losing control of his bike.

The motorcycle swerved dangerously from side to side before Gilly slammed on the brakes. The Cadillac pulled ahead as the bike flipped end over end. Both Gilly and Judy were catapulted off, with Gilly landing on the road. Judy, being the much lighter of the two, sailed high over Gilly, and landed on the roof of the speeding Cadillac with a dull thud.

Truax desperately slammed on the brakes and the car squealed to a halt, missing Gilly’s skull by no more than a few inches.

While Ainsworth and Truax jumped out of the car and rushed to their fallen partner, Andie watched from the backseat as the Cadillac sped off down the road with an unconscious Judy Stitch draped over the roof of the car.

As Judy and the Cadillac faded in the distance, Andie saw the beams of light disappear as suddenly as they had appeared.

“Oh, Dale,” Andie muttered to herself, “I really hope you’re not straddling a giant flashlight right now.”

11
I told you! I told you!

Randy danced around outside the barn. “Dale! Dale, can you hear me? Is the naked man in there with you? What about the sacbut thing? Dale!”

Randy pounded on the barn door as he shouted, but there was no response. In fact, there were no sounds at all coming from the barn, not even the sounds of turkeys gobbling.

Just as Randy was about to smash the barn door lock with his hammer, he heard a giggle from behind him. John Alden sat slumped against a tree, with a giddy smile on his face. It was then that Randy noticed that the large oak tree behind the barn looked an awful lot like the tree outside the window in his Dad’s
Freedom from What?
painting.

“What are you laughing at?” Randy asked.

John chuckled again. “Why, you of course.”

“Me? Another man is laughing at
me
? This is a first. Usually only the gods have the nerve to do such a thing.”

“It’s because you’re about to see something rather unpleasant, that’s all. You’re going to walk through those doors, and then, no more than a few seconds later, you’re going to come running out with a most ridiculous look on your face. I was just sitting here trying to imagine what that face will look like. I finally settled on this.”

John Alden opened his mouth as wide as he possibly could without tearing his lips apart. Then he sent his eyebrows flying toward his hairline and let out a muffled, tortured, high-pitched scream that sounded like it came from a mouse imprisoned deep within his belly. After screaming until he ran out of breath, John fell over laughing.

Randy gave it a few moments and then asked, “Are you done?”

“For now.” John wiped the tears from his eyes.

“For now and for ever. Because if you think I’m about to come running out of that barn looking like this.” Randy made the face. “Then I’m afraid that you, sir, are grossly mistaken. You see, I am a proud man.” Randy turned and smashed the lock apart with his hammer. “And I always maintain a certain level of dignity and poise. Now, I am going into this here barn. Shortly after, I’m going to come out with my friend. And when I do you can be certain that I will have my chin up, my jaw clenched, and my stride shall be casual, confident, and dignified.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so. And now I’m going to do so.”

Randy opened the door just enough that he could fit through, and in he went. The visibility wasn’t very good without the beams of light, but there was a small fire burning behind a stack of hay near the center of the barn. Randy made his way toward that, stepping over and around the turkeys as he did so. Randy did his best to try to ignore the fact that the turkeys, all hundred or so of them, were standing perfectly still and weren’t making any noise whatsoever.

They’re probably just tired,
thought Randy,
I could do with a spot of zoning out myself. Nothing to freak out about. Just a bunch of tired turkeys. Stay the course, Tinker. Remember your dignity.

The fire cast long shadows on the sides of the barn. The smaller, motionless turkey shadows didn’t concern Randy too much. But the two longer shadows, one of which moved about, did. As he got closer to the stack of hay, Randy heard someone talking.

“I cannot believe you’ve never played a crumhorn before,” said the voice. “You simply blow into the mouthpiece and move your fingers up and down the holes. It couldn’t be simpler.”

Randy peeked around the corner of the haystack. He immediately wished he hadn’t. For standing there with his back to Randy was a naked half-man, half-bird creature, with the upper body of a snow white-skinned man and the legs of a turkey. It was a manbird, with a wild mane of black hair sitting atop his head.

Dale stood next to manbird, holding a long wooden instrument that looked like a clarinet of some kind, only the end of it was curved out in a J-shape. Randy gathered that this strange half-man was trying to teach Dale how to play it.

Randy looked down and saw that all of the turkeys gathered around the fire were holding various instruments in their wings and feet. Whether it was a small drum or a guitar-like instrument, they all looked rather comfortable holding them. Much too comfortable for Randy’s taste.

Dale saw Randy, and his eyes went wide as he gave his brother-in-law a look that said
We’re in grave danger and we need to get out of here
. In return, Randy gave Dale a look that said
Yeah
I know but what the hell do you want me to do about it? There’s a goddamn manbird standing between us.

Manbird followed Dale’s next look, which was one of
Just hit manbird over the head with something heavy
, and he too now saw Randy’s head sticking out from behind the hay.

With the manbird now facing him full on, Randy saw that the creature had no penis and no pubic hair to speak of.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Randy said, “no flap-dragon.”

“Oh, hello there,” said manbird. “You’re just in time. Tell me, do you know how to play the crumhorn?”

Randy shook his head.

“No? I simply cannot believe this. Two full-grown men who don’t know how to play the crumhorn? What am I supposed to do, walk around with these silly legs for the rest of my life? I’ll be a laughing stock. Look, it’s simple. I’ll show you.”

Manbird took the crumhorn out of Dale’s hands, put it to his lips, and began dancing and playing. He blew the horn and moved his fingers up and down the holes so fast that his fingers were a blur. He spun, squat-kicked, stomped, leapt and wiggled on his turkey legs. His dancing eventually put him right in the middle of the fire, feet atop the burning wood and flames licking at his turkey legs.

“See?” he said. “It couldn’t be easier. Now you try.” He held out the crumhorn for Randy.

Randy went flying out of the barn with his mouth stretched wide in a broken scream. John Alden was there to greet him, jumping up and down and shouting, “I told you! I told you!”

As Randy ran past him, John Alden heard a swell of music loft out from the barn. He shook his head and frowned. “That is the worst fobbing crumhorn playing I’ve ever heard.”

Crumhorn in my mouth

A weird man dances in flames

November! Aiyee!