Liberate Yourself (The Desires Unlocked Trilogy Part One) (3 page)

‘Well, go on then,’ she commands.

‘My parents are coming to Europe,’ Theo says. ‘They are going to Amsterdam first to visit my grandparents but then they thought they would come and see me, us, here in Milan.’

‘They know about
me
?’

‘Of course they know about you!’ he laughs. ‘We’ve been living together for six months, Valentina. They are dying to meet you.’

She looks at him in horror. He is completely relaxed, as if this is something of small consequence. The fact that his parents are coming to Milan. That he wants her to meet them. Her mouth dries up for a minute and she is unable to speak.

‘They’re not coming until the end of November,’ he continues. ‘I know it’s ages away, but I wanted to give you fair warning.’ He hesitates, beginning to notice the expression on her face. ‘I know you’re not keen on family stuff.’

She shakes her head vehemently.

‘No, Theo, I’m sorry. I can’t meet your parents.’

‘What?’ He looks astounded. His mouth drops open in shock.

‘I told you this before. This is how I am,’ she says stiffly, pulling back the covers, straining to get out of bed. Theo catches her arm, restraining her.

‘Valentina,’ he says softly. ‘Really, it’s nothing to be worried about. They are nice people. I’ve told them so much about you. They just want to meet you.’

She whips her head around.

‘You told them all about me!’ she spits.

‘Of course I did. You’re my girlfriend.’ Theo looks wounded.

‘That’s the first I knew about it,’ she says cruelly.

Theo’s forehead creases in confusion.

‘Well what are you then, if you’re not my girlfriend? We’re living together, Valentina. We’ve already been through—’

‘Don’t say it . . . I told you not to mention it again . . .’

‘But Valentina . . .’

She holds her hand up, stops him before he starts to speak.

‘I am your lover, Theo. And that role is something very different from a girlfriend. The term “girlfriend” implies that we have some kind of vested relationship, a possible future. “Lover” is a more transitory term. It is a temporary condition.’

‘Christ, Valentina!’ Theo exclaims. ‘You are an infuriating woman.’

‘Remember, Theo,’ she says calmly, and it is a good feeling, this sensation of being in control, ‘when you moved into this apartment, I told you it was convenient. It suited us both. But I also told you that it wasn’t going to be for ever, remember?’

She listens to her voice. It is outside of herself, and she is unpleasantly reminded of her own mother speaking.
Don’t let him possess you
.

‘Valentina, I am not asking you to make any big commitment. It’s just my parents. I’d like you to meet them, that’s all.’

‘I’m sorry, Theo,’ she says, climbing out of bed and looking down at him. ‘I don’t want to. They can stay here, but I’ll go away. You’ll have the place to yourselves. It’s much better that way.’

Theo looks her up and down in disbelief. Just his gaze causes her nipples to harden, and she can’t help noticing his reaction to her naked body in return.

‘It’s not better that way,’ he says softly, entreating her with his rich blue gaze. A part of her wants to give in, to fall back into the bed, sink into his arms and comply. Yet her terror dominates. She can’t bear the thought of meeting Theo’s parents. It brings her too close to him, too much into his world. And if that happens, how will she find her way out again when it ends, because surely one day they will tire of each other? Nothing lasts for ever. She sighs deeply and turns away from him, picks up her dressing gown from where he discarded it on the floor and puts it on, tying it tightly around her waist.

‘I can’t talk about this right now. I have to get ready. I’ve a lot to do today.’ She wanders over to the dressing table and picks up her hairbrush, pulling it listlessly through her hair. She watches Theo getting out of bed, defeat still clear in his features, and she feels guilty. It’s time to change the subject.

‘Do you want to go to Antonella’s opening tonight?’ she asks, trying to sound more upbeat. Theo pauses in the doorway of the bedroom, towel in hand.

‘Sorry, I can’t. I have to go away. I’ve another job.’

‘Again?’

The word slips out. Deadly. Valentina wishes she could snatch it back. She turns away quickly, yet she can still see his face in the mirror. His expression is impassive now.

‘Do you not want me to go away?’ he asks.

She backtracks furiously.

‘No, of course I don’t mind. It’s just a surprise. I didn’t know you were going away
today
. . .’ Her voice trails off and suddenly she feels foolish, exposed.

‘Would you like me to cancel?’ he asks, leaning against the doorway and looking at her with interest.

‘No, of course not,’ she snaps crossly. ‘I was just wondering where you’re going. It’s not that big a deal.’ She tries to sound indifferent, focuses on arranging her hair.

‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?’ he asks. She can feel the heat of his gaze, although she still refuses to catch his eye.

‘No, I told you, I don’t care,’ she says harshly. ‘I was just curious, that’s all.’ She softens her voice.

Theo drops his towel and walks over to stand behind her. As he leans over her and strokes her hand, she can feel his erection pushing against her silk-clad back. She knows he is trying to entice her to turn around and touch him. Yet she resists.

‘I always thought you weren’t that interested in where I go or what I do,’ he says quietly.

‘You’re right. I don’t know why I asked you really. I like mysteries,’ she explains, trying to keep her voice light. ‘They keep things from getting boring.’

‘I see.’

He spins her around on her stool and he is smiling at her as if he knows something she doesn’t.

‘What is it?’ She pushes her finger into his belly, which is so firm it almost springs back. What art critic has a stomach like that?

‘I have a present for you,’ Theo says. ‘I believe it will stop you from being bored while I am away.’

‘Oh really?’ she says huskily, reaching towards him now. Maybe she does have time to make love before she has to go to work. She is aching to feel him inside her. The morning’s conversation has made her feel unsettled. She knows that if they make love it will calm her down. Yet just as she is about to touch him, Theo steps back and shakes his head, looking at her flirtatiously.

‘Now, now, Valentina,’ he says, walking across the room towards the wardrobe. ‘Patience.’

He opens the wardrobe and takes out a large package, placing it on the dressing table in front of her.

‘But why have you got me a present?’ she asks, and their eyes lock in the mirror. He hesitates for a minute, holding her with his gaze that seems to say so much. Words she doesn’t
want to acknowledge. She casts her eyes down.

‘Because I believe it’s time for you to have this,’ he tells her.

So it’s not something she might want, or like; it’s something she should have. Why is he being so obtuse? She leans over to unwrap the package, but Theo puts his hand over hers and pushes her fist into his palm. She looks back up at his reflection in the mirror. She feels as if time has stopped as she looks into Theo’s glacial blue eyes, the only northern part of him, and for once she is inquisitive for his secrets. She sees herself reflected: tiny and naked. A little butterfly of flesh imprinted upon his iris.

‘Later,’ he says, pulling her up from the dressing-table stool. ‘Open it when I am gone.’

He kisses her, and she lets herself succumb to his touch. His hands work at the knot at her waist, and when he has undone it, he slips the dressing gown off her shoulders so it drops to the ground. His erect penis pushes against her pelvis and she is craving him, aching to feel him within her. She stands on tiptoes and wraps one leg around the back of his. He is almost breathless as he lifts her up and pushes into her.

‘Valentina,’ he gasps. ‘Oh my Valentina . . .’

‘Shush,’ she says, putting her finger to his lips to silence him. He carries her over to the bed. She is twisted around him, feeling his length going deeper and deeper inside her. They fall together as one on to the covers, and she squeezes him tight, urging him to push faster, harder into her. He raises himself above her, taking both her hands in one of his, and lifting
them above her head. She is lost in the power of his passion. He pulls back ever so slowly, and as he suddenly rams back into her, she can’t help gasping slightly. She joins him in force, thrusting back with all her might, and they become one throbbing entity. She closes her eyes, relaxing at last. This is what she needs. Complete abandonment. She is all sensation, her body leading her, no thoughts involved. He touches her deep within, as only Theo can, and she begins to pulse around him. She has an image of ripples in water, ever increasing, ever decreasing, to the swirling whirlpool at its very centre. They climax together and she is dragged down, as if the bed itself is the bottom of the ocean drowning them. The water is black.

Afterwards, he cradles her in his arms. She knows she needs to get up, that she is going to be late for work, and yet she is paralysed, held tight within her lover’s embrace.

‘Valentina?’ he whispers into her ear.

‘Don’t talk,’ she entreats him. Don’t ruin our peace. He ignores her.

‘Valentina, please be my girlfriend.’

She doesn’t reply.

‘Valentina, I want us to be more than casual lovers. Flatmates.’

She turns to face him.

‘No, Theo. I don’t want that.’

‘Are you sure?’

She nods, and he looks so sad she almost agrees to his
request. But what’s the point? She is not girlfriend material.

She tries to console him with her body. She places her hands on his chest, pushes her fingers through the twirls of hair and tugs them, before raising her fingers to her lips and licking them, pinching his nipples tight. All the while he stares at her, speechless, yet his body doesn’t respond. Eventually he takes her hands in his, and lifts them up and away from his body.

‘Why not?’ he asks. ‘I don’t want to change who you are. I just want to be able to call you my girlfriend.’

‘Theo . . . I can’t . . . you know that . . . I told you before . . .’

Her inadequate words stumble over each other. She pulls her hands away from his grasp.

‘Can you not just think about it? Please try, Valentina.’

She wants to scream at him that it is no good. She can’t let herself fall in love with him. And yet she finds herself agreeing to think about it. Even though she knows it isn’t fair, she lets him walk away hopeful.

It is too late now. He has gone. Where, she has no idea, apart from the fact that it will be cold, since he took his down jacket and snow boots. She is glad he didn’t push her further.
Will you be my girlfriend
? No, she could never do it. Why can’t he let things just stay as they are? Casual. Fun. Sexy. But living with someone is hardly casual, she suspects. Has she been a fool to let a man move in with her? And why does he need some sort of commitment from her? She doesn’t want him to
leave . . . and yet she can’t give him what he wants. Maybe her mother is right after all, she thinks sourly. Maybe she and her mother are the same. Inconstant butterflies, flitting from one man to the next.

Valentina shakes the thought from her head, and picks up the package on the dressing table. It is surprisingly heavy and she places it back down again. It is a plain brown-paper parcel tied with string. No label on it. No card. She is full of anticipation. What could it be? She hopes it isn’t a grand romantic gesture. My God, what if he is building up to a proposal? The idea horrifies Valentina. She has no intention of ever getting married.

She steps back and stares at it. She is not sure she is ready to face what lies inside that brown paper. She has a feeling it is something important. She walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower full blast. As the steaming water cascades over her shoulders, down her back, stomach and thighs, she opens her mouth and lets it run through her. She tries to wash away her anxiety, forget the look in Theo’s eyes just before he left. Why is it that all her lovers want to cage her? She hoped Theo was different. She gives him so much space, and yet even he isn’t satisfied. What annoys her most is how his excursions are beginning to bother her. Sometimes she finds herself waking up in the middle of the night when he is away and wondering if he is okay. She will be on the verge of sending a text when she manages to stop herself. Their rule is never to contact each other when either of them is abroad. She hates
the pestering nature of texting. The last thing in the world she wants to be is needy.

She is pulling on her stockings when she can bear it no longer. She has to know. Wearing nothing but her G-string, suspender belt and one sheer stocking, she squeezes the package and tries to weigh it in her hands. It could be a picture, or a book. It’s too big to be a ring, anyway, thank goodness. She unties the string, which is knotted tightly and takes ages. Typical Theo. Then she slowly rips off the paper until it is shredded at her feet.

She is holding a black book. On second thoughts, it is an album, but old, made from some kind of black velvet that is so worn it is no longer plush, but bare cloth. As she opens the book, she is hit by a strong scent of old roses, sweet and decaying. She looks at the open book and sits down on the bed in surprise. How strange. Her present is a riddle. Attached to the first page is a negative. She can tell immediately that it is old, because it is bigger than modern-day negatives. It also has a yellowish tinge. It is attached to the thick, card-like paper by a tiny sliver of tape that she can easily remove. She takes out the negative and holds it up to the light, but it is impossible to make out the image. She flicks the page and finds another negative. She turns the next page, and the next. All of them contain negatives. Nothing else. No words. No pictures. No explanation. She feels inexplicably annoyed, and tosses the book behind her on to the bed. What kind of a present is this?

No ordinary present, that’s what, Valentina
.