Leaving Normal (43 page)

The Fireman's Prayer "When I am called to duty God, wherever

flames may rage, Give me the strength to save some life

whatever be its age. Help me embrace a little child before it's too

late, Or save an older person from the horrors of

thatfate. Enable me to be alert and hear the weakest

shout, and

Quickly and efficiently put the fire out. I want to fill my calling and give the best in

me; To guard my every neighbor and protect his

property, And if according to Your will I am to give

my life,

Please bless with Your protecting hand, my children and my wife."

James "Walry"Walcroft, who died on May 1, is to be buried today. He saved lives for more than nine years with the Boise Fire Department.

Walcroft's casket will be carried on the same fire engine that took him to the fire in which he died. The truck will lead a procession ex-pected to include as many as fifty pieces of fire equipment from across the state. It will stop briefly for a prayer at the Station 13 firehouse where Walcroft worked.

Walcroft, 37, leaves a wife and two young children behind. He got caught in what's called a flashover, which happens when the fire gets hot enough that everything inside bursts into flame. Officials say he'll receive full department honors.

The funeral will be held at 11:00 a.m.

Wind whispered through the ash and maple trees. The afternoon was so quiet that the leaves were soft music in the sunshine. Heat promised to settle into the day. Already it felt warm, suffocating.

Tony wore his Class A uniform with a blue dress shirt, black tie and black slacks, the suit coat's collar at his neck prickling his skin, making him hot. He removed the miliary-style hat, tucked it beneath his arm as he walked through the cemetery in a somewhat mindless manner. He had no direction, no destination.

Behind him, James Walcroft had been laid to rest and the mourners began to break apart. He'd given Mrs. Walcroft his condolences, then he had to get away, be by himself before they all left for the reception. He didn't even want to be around Rocky right now. His friend stayed behind at the grave site and talked with the other mourners.

This was the first time he'd ever dealt with losing a fellow firefighter, much less a friend. The only funerals he'd been to had been those of elderly family members. He'd been fortunate enough not to have to deal with this sadness until now. It was all the more powerful because Wally had been a friend he'd lived and worked with. Someone he cared about as only Brothers in the IAFF could relate to.

Tony's sunglasses toned down the glare of the day as he viewed the expanse of lawn and headstones ahead of him. It was a nice cemetery. Well kept with manicured greens. Peaceful. Serene. If he had to be buried somewhere, Tony wouldn't mind coming here.

But, hell… what a way to spend the rest of a young life.

It just wasn't goddamn fair.

Tony had relived that day in his mind a hundred times, wishing he'd done things differently. But he knew there was nothing he could have done that would have made a difference. Walcroft had been separated from him, timbers coming between them, and the fire too intense. There was no way anyone could have gotten to him when that third-floor stairwell gave way.

Even so, it was one of those nightmare things that returned each night. A recurring panorama of events, waking him up in a helpless bath of sweat, with a chill to his body.

It had only been four days since Walcroft had died, but in that time frame, Tony had aged a lifetime.

He wasn't the same man.

Who he was, what he wanted, how he viewed the world around him all took on new meaning. Life was short. He either got busy living it the way he wanted to, or he could stop everything and pretend he was in the slow lane with traffic going around him.

He didn't want to live like that anymore.

He wanted to drive ahead. He didn't want to pass up chances, seek what was in his heart. There were a great many things he had to do, things he was compelled to go after.

'Tony?" The soft voice carried to him as he stood be-neath a shady tree. Towering above him was an enormous pine tree that must have been a hundred years old.

He slowly turned, saw Natalie and leaned against the tree trunk.

She'd come to the funeral, like so many others who'd met Wally and his family. Tony had glanced at her a time or two during the service, and had thought about her more than once during the last few days.

Her frantic voice on the end of the phone the night Wally died was a comfort he hadn't realized he'd needed until he heard her. The call came in to the emergency room when he was at St. Luke's being checked over for smoke inhalation. Natalie called right after his mom and later, when he returned to the station, the messaging system on his cell phone was full from people he was acquainted with. Even Kim had called.

He'd assured both his mom and Natalie that he was all right. His mom had come right down. Natalie had said she would but he told her no.

Now he almost wished he hadn't told her to stay away. He wished he would have let her come see him. But, at the time, he'd needed to have his space, needed to process what had happened without being influenced by a woman whom he cared very deeply about.

A woman he was in love with.

He recognized those feelings when the sparks and flames had come crashing down around him and he thought he might not make it out.

There was no doubting his love for her was real and strong. It had felt right for a long time, but he'd kept those feelings at bay over the recent weeks they'd been apart. He now knew that his love for her was within the very core of his heart; she was the reason it kept on beating.

But since the night of the fire, he hadn't fully allowed himself to explore what those feelings meant in the long run, or how she'd fit into his life. He'd put off what he hadn't been able to deal with.

"It seems like too nice a day to not be feeling the sunshine on your face," he said, his voice far-off and sounding strange to his ears. "Wally was talking about taking his boat out this weekend."

Natalie came to him, stood close enough that he could smell her skin and see the flecks of gold in her green eyes. "I'm so sorry, Tony. This must feel like losing a brother."

"Yep."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No." Tony ran a hand over his jaw, felt the smooth closeness of this morning's shave.

She hesitantly reached out to him, touched the shoulder of his uniform. She didn't say anything, didn't need to. He could feel what was in her heart just by that simple touch. He could read what was on her mind by looking into her eyes.

"Something like this makes you reassess the priorities in your life," he said, taking in a breath of clean summer air. He didn't allow her to respond, his gaze drifting to the crowd of mourners who were disbanding. "I've got to go to the reception hall. Are you coming?"

Natalie's eyebrows furrowed. "I didn't know him that well and this is an important, private thing. I think I'm just going to go for a drive."

"Where?"

"To the top of Bogus Basin—that fire ridge you took me to that one day."

He remembered. They'd driven up there after Easter, watched the sunset over the valley before heading back down and going to her house to make love until the sun rose again the next day.

"I want to say a prayer for Wally and his family," Natalie continued. "Bogus is the closest place to God I know."

He nodded. Then he let her go. It got easier each time.

Bogus Basin was the local ski resort. The season had wound down, and the road to the top was no longer blanketed with snow at the lower elevations. It had been years since Natalie had skied.

She turned off on a rutted road and drove a few minutes up the hill. The terrain was mostly sagebrush that gave way to an area of pines and bushes. She angled her car in such a way that when she looked out over the dash, she saw a wedge of the Boise valley.

The air at this altitude was crisper, cleaner. Natalie rolled down the power window and dragged in a deep breath.

It smelled good. She'd forgotten how pure the air was.

Rebirth. New things.

The quiet whisper of the mountain settled over her, a peaceful and tranquil state that washed through Natalie. She knew, for the first time in weeks, a true calm.

Why, then, did silent tears belie her comfort?

Because she couldn't forget that the last time she was here, she'd been with Tony. They'd sat close to each other in the front seat of his silver truck, holding hands and watching as the day ended.

She closed her eyes and prayed for Wally and his family.

Prayed for Tony.

She loved him. When she thought it might have been him who'd been killed, she'd been frantic. Hearing his voice on the phone had been a relief like nothing else she'd ever heard in her life.

She cared so much about him. She'd wanted to be there for him and he'd told her no. He didn't want her to comfort him, to be close to him that night.

She shouldn't have been upset about his rejection. She only had herself to blame. It had finally happened. She'd gotten her way.

Natalie Goodwin was facing the future alone. Just the way she thought she wanted it.

And now she knew she'd made a horrible mistake.

Actually, the night of the fire, she knew she'd made a mistake but she hadn't been able to tell Tony. Now wasn't the right time, either, but if she didn't tell him how she felt right away, she feared she'd never get the chance.

She dialed his number on her cell phone.

Nothing. No service.

Frustration worked through the cords of her neck. She wanted him to meet her up here when he was done at the reception. How could she let him know?

She tried dialing again. Nothing.

Sometimes in McCall, she couldn't get service. But she could text message. She typed out a short message:

Drive up the mountain. I'll wait for you.

She pushed Send. It went through.

Anxiousness overcame her. She leaned back into the seat and put a CD into the player.

An hour went by, then another, until she lost all track of time. Natalie feared he wouldn't come, perhaps didn't want to. Then she saw the Dodge Ram pulling off the road and heading for her on the firebreak.

She got out of her car and met him by the side of his truck.

"Tony." She breathed his name, loved the sound of it in her ears. "I'm glad you came."

His brown eyes were dark, questioning. "What's the matter?"

"Everything."

He climbed out of the truck and rested his backside against the wheel well and folded his arms over his chest. He looked so handsome in his uniform and she held back from kissing him, from throwing herself into his arms.

"There are a hundred different things going on in my life, but there's only one thing to me that's really important," she said, her voice soft. "When I thought it was—" her breath hitched "—you who'd died…1 came apart. I didn't know what I'd do without you, Tony."

He said nothing and just let her talk.

"I can't give you up and I'm not going to. If you still want to be with me, I want to be with you. We can work through this together, but the most important thing for right now is that we are together."

Sunlight reflected in his eyes. She wished she could read his mind, know his thoughts.

"Tony?"

She worried he wasn't going to say anything, that he was no longer feeling the same things.

"I want to get married to you," he said, firm in his conviction. "And I want a family if that's the way it works out for us, but if it doesn't, then it'll be okay."

"Okay," she agreed, tears swimming in her eyes. His nearness made her senses spin yet she took great comfort having him so close. Elation overwhelmed her.

"Sometimes you make decisions you thought you'd never make for the love of that person." Tony was resolute in his words, strong in the way he expressed himself. "Because of the significance of the relationship, you do things you never thought you'd do."

She nodded.

Natalie gazed into Tony's face. She was so in love with him she felt it inside her soul. It was a physical ache, but with that ache also came a reservation. And it was dead center in the middle of her being.

Middle ground.

She'd learned it, knew how to embrace it now. But that didn't offset what she knew he wanted in his heart.

She had to tell him. "I don't think you should be denied those feelings of connecting with a child. You're wonderful. The best man I have ever met." She touched his cheek. "You're smart and kind, generous and loyal. You've shown me pieces of myself that I didn't know existed. I fell in love with you. I still am…"

His face was chiseled with emotion as he tilted her head up to look deeper into her eyes.

"So will you?" He waited for her to give him an answer.

She gave him her heart. "Yes. I want to marry you, Tony. And if something wonderful happens, then it happens. I'll be okay no matter how it goes, as long as I'm with you. And if by some miracle…well, I can't promise anything. I know you hate to hear it, but at my age, things might not be easy."

"Nothing worth having is easy." Finally, he gathered her into his embrace and she felt as if she were home. "Look at how long it took us to get here."

Natalie's arms rose and lifted to come around his neck. She took such comfort in the feel of him, the closeness. His smell, the hard planes of his muscular body and the strength of his physique.

The wind blew softly, the tree boughs rushed in a silky sound. Time ebbed slowly as they both stood there, facing one another, their heartbeats pounding in the same rhythm.

"I missed you," she said, her voice cracking.

"I missed you, too, babe."

His sensual mouth searched hers in a kiss that was both consuming with heat and tenderness.

"I love you." His voice fumbled through his chest; a feeling of total contentment spread through her.