Learning to Dance Again (34 page)

What had he just implied? “I could get used to this.” When she walked back to the lounge he had already gone upstairs to bed. She hurried up to her own room and called out goodnight to him. He replied in Italian, with a hint of amusement in his voice.

Julia got into bed, but sat up, leaning against the headboard, thinking about Tony. He was a lovely man. He was kind, thoughtful, funny, clever, and rather good looking for his age. He
was fifty eight; she knew that now from seeing his hospital notes, although he did not seem that much older than her. He had aged well considering how much time he spent in the sun. She liked talking to him and she knew that Tony seemed to enjoy her company just as much. She had thought he had only come over to Shetland for Up Helly Aa, but now she wondered whether it was also because of her. Julia didn’t know how to process that idea.

She fell asleep dreaming about Sicily.

Over the next few days Julia and Tony either lazed around her house or they went out for a drive under the pretence of sightseeing, but quite often just
to go somewhere to have lunch or dinner. Tony was still tired after his operation although he was clearly on the mend. But a week after he had been discharged from hospital he decided that he really needed to get back to Sicily and so he booked his flights and got ready to leave.

Julia drove him down to the airport and after he had
checked his bag in they sat in the waiting area.

‘I’m going to miss you,’ Tony said seriously.

Julia didn’t reply for a moment. She watched a couple walking past, hand in hand, on their way to a quieter part of the airport.

‘I’
ll see you again; I’ve decided I should come over again this October. It’s a great time to take a holiday; the last chance for sunshine before the winter.’

‘Well you must
stay with me. I insist. There’s plenty of room in my villa, for you and your family. It would be great to see you. This has been a momentous holiday in more ways than one. I’m going to make some changes to my life. I’m going to get out more; live a little, and if I have less time for writing, well so what, life’s too short to spend it at a desk.’

Julia nodded enthusiastically. She rested her hand on his arm for a moment.

‘That’s very true. But you must finish your new book. I want to see how our character turns out.’

‘Ha, well, yes. I
will finish that one. But I’m going to take a break after that, and maybe spend some quality time with my new grandchild. This will be a new phase of my life.’

Tony started to pat down his pockets, nervousl
y checking for his tickets and passport, and then he switched off his mobile phone. He looked up at the departures board and then relaxed again.

‘I think it’
s time to move on,’ he said, turning to Julia. ‘It’s time to stop thinking of myself as this tragic widower, and start to think about sharing my life with someone else. I’ve spent far too much time on my own.’

‘I don’t think of you as a tragic figure at all; but then again, I never knew you as a married man.’

Tony nodded. ‘That’s why it has been great getting to know you. I‘ve been able to be myself with you; there’s no baggage.’

‘Baggage?
’ Julia repeated. ‘I don’t think of Duncan as baggage as such, but I suppose he is in a way. I’m weighed down by my emotions, and maybe always will be. It is a kind of baggage, isn’t it?’

‘Indeed, and unfortunately there are no
restrictions on the weight we allow ourselves to carry around. Unlike the airlines,’ Tony said, waving his hand in the direction of the check-in desk. ‘We should treat our emotional baggage much like a cut-price airline and restrict what we carry around with us. We don’t do ourselves any favours by holding on to grief. It’s very heavy.’

‘Do
we have any choice?’ Julia replied. She had never thought about whether she had any option but to spend the next few months and years in sorrow.

‘I think we have more choice than we imagine.
It may not feel that way in the beginning, but we can decide how to process grief.’

Julia wasn’t sure she agreed with him, but she decided to give his idea some thought later on.

23

Julia felt rather low as she drove home from the airport. She had enjoyed Tony’s company, and she had no wish to go home to an empty house. She looked at her watch and contemplated going to see Marianne, but remembered that Marianne had mentioned that she would be busy with her family that night. Instead she decided to stop off to see Cameron under the pretext of discussing the purchase of the apartment for Jamie. Not that she really needed an excuse to go and visit him. She had been so busy with Tony that she hadn’t seen Cameron for ages. It had been over two weeks since Up Helly Aa.

Julia opened the front door and stepped into the vestibule and knocked on the inner door. It was opened almost instantly by Cameron who smiled hesitantly at her and then
looked over her shoulder as if he expected her to be with someone else.

‘I just droppe
d Tony off at the airport. He’s well enough to travel home now,’ she said.

‘That’s good.’ Cameron
replied; turning and walking towards the kitchen.

Julia followed him and watched as he picked up the kettle, the automatic response to a visitor, and
yet, somehow Julia sensed she was not particularly welcome.

‘I just thought I would
come round and see how we’re fixed for buying your apartment for Jamie. He’s definitely keen on it, and has been to see the bank about getting a mortgage, which won’t be a problem at all.’

‘Oh yeah, sure,’ Cameron sa
id vaguely, as he pottered around the kitchen making coffee. He had yet to make eye contact with her, which Julia found disconcerting, but she couldn’t think what was wrong.

‘Did I tell you that Bryden is definitely
moving back to Shetland, so he’s going to be living in Alice’s old house? I’m going to try and get it ready for him over the next few weeks. That will keep me busy I guess.’

Julia stopped speaking;
she had been rambling on about things he already knew. She was standing beside the fridge and in Cameron’s way when he wanted to get the milk. She stepped aside, feeling the sudden chill as the fridge door opened, which seemed equal to the frosty vibes that Cameron was giving off.

‘Is everything alright
?’

‘Er, yeah, just a busy week at work; glad it’s Friday,’ Cameron said, unconvincingly.

‘I’m sorry; I should have rung you before I came round. I was just passing and I haven’t seen you in ages. I was wondering how things were going with Laura now.’

‘Haven’t you heard? She was arrested for
drunk-driving the other day. She had Amy in the car with her.’

‘Oh my God. Is Amy OK
? She didn’t have an accident did she?’

‘No, thankfully. Someone grassed up her up and the police stopped her before anything could happen.’

‘Silly bitch,’ Julia said, feeling some relief that Cameron’s bad mood was not directed at her. Cameron did not offer any further comment about Laura and after a moment of awkward silence Julia changed the subject back to the apartment.

Cameron handed her a mug of coffee and then he
coolly discussed the progress of the apartment and when he thought Jamie would be able to move in. He seemed a little more comfortable talking about business, but once that was finished, Julia decided to leave.

‘Well thanks for that, and the coffee. I had better get home no
w. I’ll see you soon.’

Cameron walked to the front door and stood watching as she got into her car, but h
e had gone inside before she turned the key. She drove off feeling very uncomfortable; and not convinced that his bad mood was solely down to Laura’s arrest.

The next few weeks Julia kept herself busy making Alice’s cottage even more comfortable for Bryden. She bought new kitchen utensils and crockery. She visited the furniture shops in Lerwick and looked at sofas and other furniture, but stopped short of buying anything when she realised that her taste was probably not the same as her son’s, and that she really ought to stop interfering.

She spent her evenings reading, or chatting to Tony via Facebook. He had been to visit his doctor back in Italy a
nd was feeling much better. His son and daughter had been delighted to see him again and he was now busy getting his little holiday villa ready for his daughter to move into later that year. Julia was amused at the symmetry of their lives; until one night when he dropped a bombshell.

I have got a date! A lovely woman named
Rosaria; she’s divorced with two teenage boys. A friend of Maria’s – wish me luck
. Tony wrote in a private message on Facebook.

Julia gasped with surprise when
she read this. She wrote back, g
ood for you. I hope you have a lovely time x.
But even as she typed she couldn’t help think she had been reading the situation wrong. Hadn’t Tony been hinting at the possibility of a relationship with her? All his talk of missing her and implying that she had changed his life for the better. What had that been about?

Tony replied immediately:
It’s all thanks to you. You’ve given me the confidence to make a fresh start. Thanks x.

Julia logged off her iPad and went to bed fee
ling confused, and a little jealous. Not that she had any romantic feelings towards Tony, but she had a feeling that their special friendship would be altered if Rosaria became a permanent fixture.

Julia lay in bed contemplating the men in her life. Whilst Tony might have been open about his new relationship, Cameron had maintained complete silence on any matter since she had been to see him a few weeks ago. She hadn’t had so much as a text from him. It was
very strange. She started to feel the tentacles of loneliness grappling at her heart again. It really didn’t take much to bring her down these days. But she remembered what Tony had said to her at the airport before he left and started to wonder if she could choose to react differently.

She decided to try and take a more positive attitude and to get on with her life w
ithout relying on these two men; neither of whom could adequately replace Duncan in her affections.

The next morning Julia rang the Social Work office to chase up her application to become a foster carer. She was told that sh
e would find out by mid-April, but she had been recommended to the panel, so it was almost a formality.

Whilst Julia was deli
ghted with this news, there was one dark shadow on the horizon. She turned over the page on the calendar and ignored the photograph of the cute otter cubs playing on the beach. Her attention was drawn instantly to Tuesday 11th April, the first anniversary of Duncan’s death. Bryden would be starting work in Duncan’s old job on the Monday. There was a curious symmetry to these events, but not one that gave her any comfort.

She thought back to her last morning with Duncan and recalled how he wished their sons would come home to Shetland one day. Well, his own death had facilitated Bryden’s return. He had also expressed concern over Jamie’s long hours as a newly qualified doctor. That would all change too, when Jamie took up his studies for his PhD in immunology. Duncan had got his wishes, but he was not here to appreciate it.

Julia wondered what they could do to mark this date. Bryden would be in Shetland already, so she wondered about asking Jamie if he could come home that week as well. It was time to hold some kind of memorial service. Her residual memories of the funeral were full of tension and fear, and not the fitting tribute to Duncan she had wanted.

She sent Jamie and Bryden text messages to ask for their opinion
s on what would be the best way to celebrate their father’s life. They had less than two weeks to organise something. Bryden would be busy packing up his flat in Edinburgh and saying goodbye to his friends and colleagues. He was due to come home in a few days.

Julia decided to go and see
if Marianne had any ideas. She hadn’t seen Marianne for ages, as she was always either busy at work, or with her grandson Charlie. Julia got in her car and drove to the care home.

Marianne was on the phone when she arrived so Julia went to the
day- room to see some of the elderly residents who had been living at the care home for a few years. They were delighted to see her again and she spent a few minutes catching up on everyone’s news. Marianne came to find her and they returned to her office and closed the door.

‘I don’t suppose you came here looking for a job did you?’ Marianne asked optimistically. ‘I was just trying to get some cover for the night shi
ft. Morag has the flu and Beth’s on holiday and Jack’s wife just had a baby so we’re short for the next few days.’

‘Actually, I probably could help out
, but I don’t think you’ll get Personnel to agree; I would need to have a criminal records check done again.’

‘But you must have had that done a
gain for your fostering application. I might ask if that is acceptable.’

Julia shrugged. She knew how bureaucratic and unbendable the rules were; she doubted they
would allow this, despite her thirty years nursing experience and not so much as a speeding ticket on her criminal record.

Marianne sighed in despair, realising it was pointless to pursue this option.

‘Anyway, what brings you here?’

‘I wanted to pick your brains about doing something
to celebrate Duncan’s life. It’s nearly a year now. I don’t know how to mark the occasion, but I feel I should.’

‘That’s a great idea. It’s a Tuesday though, not sure what we could do on a weekday and at
quite short notice. Could we make it the Saturday or Sunday?’

‘I guess so, but I still have no idea.’

‘Leave it with me; I’ll give it some thought once I’ve sorted out the night shift. In the meantime, what’s the news with Tony? Is he still pursuing you?’

‘Pursuing me? No, whatever gave you that ide
a? The last I heard from him he was dating some Italian divorcee.’

‘Oh; I kind of imagined
you too might get it together. He’s really nice,’ Marianne replied, looking disappointed.

‘Well, we did become good friends, b
ut that’s about it. I still hear from him which is nice, particularly as my other good “friend” has dropped me like a hot potato.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ma
rianne said, fiddling with the pot of paperclips on her desk.

‘I haven’t heard from him at all. The last time I saw him was the day Tony went home, and he was a bit cold and distant then. I thought it was something to do with Laura and Amy, but he ha
sn’t been in touch since. Something’s changed in him; and I wish I knew why.’

Marianne jumped up quickly and walked over to the little kitchen area of her office. She switched the kettle on and then peered out the window as if there was something interesting outside. She turned back to Julia and held up her hands in surrender.

‘I think that Cameron’s moodiness might be my fault actually.’

‘How could it be your
fault?’

‘He came round to see Brian while Tony was staying at yours, and I might have mentioned how
“well” you and Tony seemed to be getting on. He seemed a bit pissed off.’

‘Why would you do that?’

‘Well, I thought it was the truth, that’s why. I thought Tony would be good for you, and far less complicated than Cameron. I’m sorry!’

Julia smiled,
and then started to laugh.

‘So he’s just jealous then?’

‘It would seem so.’ Marianne smiled with relief at Julia’s reaction to her interference.

Julia started to shake with su
ppressed giggles.

‘Fo
r heaven’s sake, look at me. I’m a washed up old woman and suddenly you think there are two men fighting for my attention. That’s hilarious.’

‘Yeah, but one of them
really is keen on you isn’t he; otherwise why would he be giving you the cold shoulder when he thought you were going off with the dashing English man?’

Marianne’s phone rang and she turned to answer it.

‘I’ll ring you later!’ Marianne said, just before she picked up the handset.

When Julia got home Jamie rang to say he was going to come home with Bryden and stay for a couple of weeks. He sounded cheerful at the prospect of returning to Shetland for a little holiday. He sounded very much like the old Jamie; relaxed and happy.

‘So
Mam, do I still have a bedroom or are you booked up with waifs and strays now?’

‘Don’t be daft
. I won’t be starting to foster until May at the earliest, and even then there’ll always be a room for you my darling.’

‘Just kidding Mam. Anything you want brought home from the big smoke? I could do a knicker raid on Marks and Spencer’s if you like.’

‘I don’t think that will be necessary. I have heard of internet shopping you know.’

Jamie laughed
.

‘So
, what are you planning for Dad’s memorial? It’s not going to be in the kirk is it?’