Lead Me Home (13 page)

On her first Monday morning in weeks that she didn’t have to teach, Shiloh heard God loud and clear, and although she had a million excuses that she knew were valid and sensible, none of them could stand up to his command.

She lay in bed after her morning devotion, praying and listening, and when the notion dropped into her spirit that she needed to reach out to Jade, she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. She must have interrupted God’s flow and unintentionally interjected Jade into her thoughts. What else could have put Miss Diva on her brain?

The already-gorgeous woman had lost ten pounds—”For TV,” Jade explained, since the pageant would be televised. She had added human-hair extensions to give body to her naturally long mane, and she put Naima’s flute lessons on hold so she’d have more time to devote to preparing for the pageant. Shiloh missed spending time with Naima each week and made a point of searching for her on Sundays. What she hadn’t missed were Jade’s uncomfortable visits to Bible study. She wasn’t complaining, though, and neither were the other members of the group.

It became clear to her this morning, however, that God was complaining. As much as she tried to ignore it, she knew he was disappointed in how she’d handled the situation, and he wasn’t going to let it slide. Too much was at stake.

Shiloh knew better than to play dumb, especially when her heart told her what she needed to do. It felt unfair, but how did you argue
with God, especially after meditating on his Word, spending time in prayer with him, and promising to do his will?

“Ugh!” she sat up in bed and said aloud. “Okay, then, okay!”

It was before dawn, and Randy shifted under the covers. “You okay? Who you talking to?” He mumbled the questions without lifting his head or opening his eyes.

“The Lord,” she said and sighed.

“Better obey, then,” he said and rolled back over, into sleep.

Shiloh wanted to swat him with her pillow, but she couldn’t be mad at him because of a directive God had given her. Regardless of whether she liked it, she would be paying Ms. Jade a visit today, and urging her to return to the women’s Wednesday night Bible study. As the co-leader.

Shiloh had welcomed Jade into her home many times because of Naima’s flute lessons, but it struck her this morning as she drove to Cedarburg that she’d been invited to Jade and Vic’s home only once. The couple had her and Randy over for dinner right after he was named senior pastor at St. Stephens Baptist, and spent the entire evening asking him about his interview process and what he believed had led to his being chosen for the position.

This morning, as she cruised up a long driveway that led to a white brick home with rows of two-story columns in the front, she admired the large maple trees that surrounded the perimeter of the property. Their few remaining golden, red, and orange leaves provided a breathtaking contrast to the bricks, and shielded the house from the view of neighboring properties. What a wonderful sanctuary from the rest of the world, Shiloh thought.

She had come with the intention of finding a Bible study topic she and Jade could teach together. Shiloh knew Jade was going to call her insane for suggesting they come up with something at the last minute, but Shiloh had lost the argument with God this morning, so here she was.

If you want her to do this, Lord, you’ve got to make it happen. I don’t have the right attitude, the right words, or even the right passages of Scripture yet. And did I say I lack the right attitude?

Shiloh strolled to Jade’s front door, enjoying the flowers that bordered the winding, cobblestone path leading from the paved driveway to the house. Only the hardiest of mums were still blooming,
but Shiloh imagined how colorful and lovely this path must be in the spring. She rang the doorbell, fully expecting to be greeted by a maid, or maybe one of Jade’s babysitters. When Jade herself answered, Shiloh tried to shield her surprise with a smile.

“Hey, Shiloh. Come in.” Jade, impeccably dressed as always, ushered Shiloh inside and gave her a hug.

Shiloh was surprised by her graciousness, given that Shiloh had called just an hour earlier, asking if she could come right away, to discuss Bible study. There had been a long pause before Jade responded, but her yes had sounded sincere. Still, Shiloh felt the need to apologize. “I don’t usually spring requests on people at the last minute like this, but I felt strongly this morning that I shouldn’t proceed with this Wednesday’s Bible study without you.”

Jade nodded. “I understand; don’t worry about it. Naima is in school, and Vic is upstairs with Nicholas, so we’re okay.”

Shiloh nodded. “I hope I won’t be long. I don’t even know where to start …”

“First let’s get comfortable,” Jade said. She led Shiloh into a spacious family room and directed her to one of two brown leather sofas. “Sit anywhere. Can I get you some tea, coffee, or juice?”

Jade serving her tea? Shiloh had to witness, and experience, this. “Any of those would be fine. I’m usually a coffee drinker, but I’m always open to trying something new.”

She sat on the sofa and flipped through a stack of magazines stationed on one side of an expansive, square coffee table made of mahogany or cherry, Shiloh couldn’t tell which. There was a copy of
Style
,
People
,
Essence
, and, tucked in the stack last, a
Daily Word
devotional. Shiloh picked it up to flip through it, and was surprised to see that several pages were dog-eared.

She wondered whether this was Reverend Vic’s contribution to the pile, or if Jade had been reading this one, too.

Jade returned with a tray of options that included steaming hot water, a miniature chest of various teas, instant coffee, and mango peach orange juice. There were also bagels, danish, and small biscuits.

“How did you pull all of this together with an hour’s notice?” Shiloh couldn’t help but show how impressed she was.

Jade grinned. “My mother was a California corporate executive wife for thirty years, until my stepfather retired. I adopted a few of her secrets: Always keep coffee and tea on hand, store a few cans of frozen juice that you can quickly thaw, and keep a selection of your favorite pastries or desserts in the freezer, ready to be popped into the oven or microwave for a delectable treat.”

Shiloh laughed. Who knew? “My own mother would be proud of you!”

They settled into eating the light pastries and warm beverages and chatted about their kids and Shiloh’s teaching gig.

“That’s awesome that you’re going back to school soon,” Jade said, referencing the announcement Randy had made in church yesterday. “I don’t know if I could start a new career at this stage. You have a lot of courage.”

Shiloh frowned. “What do you mean ‘at this stage’? We’re in our thirties—we have plenty of time to change our minds and try something new and different. I will admit, though, I didn’t go searching for the teaching opportunity. When it came my way, I just happened to seize it, and discover how much I love it. You’re doing your thing too, with the beauty pageant. Who knows where that will take you?”

Shiloh was surprised by the wistful smile that crossed Jade’s face.

“That’s a whole ‘nother story, but we’ll talk about that shortly, when we get into our Bible study discussion.”

“Well, let’s go there now,” Shiloh said. “Would you be willing to help me teach the class on Wednesday? Since that’s two days away, I don’t mind leading the discussion and dissecting the Scriptural
passage we choose. I just know that you are supposed to help me out, as co-leader, like you first offered a few months ago. I know you haven’t made it to the studies recently, and I hope that’s mostly due to your busy schedule, but if you have felt like you weren’t welcome, I want to apologize right now for the role I’ve played in that. Instead of questioning whether you were ready to help lead the study, I should have been asking how I could help you feel more prepared. I’m sorry for not doing that, and for maybe feeling threatened by your presence. There’s enough room for both of us to share the leadership of this group, and to do things in our own way.”

Jade gave Shiloh a wry smile. “God woke you up this morning, too, huh? Thanks for saying all of that. If nothing else, I know why we’re supposed to lead this week’s Bible study together and exactly the message to share, at least my part of it.”

Shiloh didn’t try to hide her shock this time.

Jade chuckled and leaned over to pat her hand. “Yes, Shiloh, believe it or not, I’ve been talking to the Lord, too, lately. And he told me this morning that it’s time to come clean. I told Vic this morning over breakfast, and then you called out of the blue and asked to come over. I’m scared out of my mind, but I’m going to do what he’s asking, and I’m thinking a passage from the book of Isaiah might be helpful… .”

On the surface, this seemed like it was going to be Bible study as usual.

Shiloh had come in early and set up the room. There were handouts on each seat for anyone who wanted to follow along with the Scriptures and take notes. The biggest difference was that instead of one seat being positioned in the lead spot near the center of the circle, there were two chairs. Shiloh had purposely chosen a black one and a white one.

The women already were aware of just how different Shiloh and Jade were from each other; and during their Monday planning session, they had decided to capitalize upon that, in every way possible. Shiloh wasn’t sure why, but she was nervous. Would the women react to tonight’s lesson with love? Or would they keep their guards up? Jade’s reassurance from their Monday meeting echoed through her mind: It didn’t really matter what happened during class; their tasks were to share what God had led them to teach, and to encourage the women to walk out their faith in their own, God-inspired way.

“That’s what I’ve been learning how to do these past few months,” Jade told her on Monday. “People can’t always see what’s going on behind my clothes and makeup and smile, but God is having his way with me.”

Shiloh looked up from her notes this evening and was greeted with a smile from Eleanor, Monica’s grandmother. She trotted over and opened her arms to envelop Eleanor in a hug.

“Well, hello!” Shiloh said. “I’m so glad you decided to come out. Where is Miss Monica this evening?”

Eleanor shook her head. “You know where she is—being a teenager, hanging out with her friends. I told her I was coming to Bible study, and her only response was to ask that I give you a hug, so I guess I’ll consider that delivered.”

Both women laughed. Eleanor picked up a handout from one of the chairs and situated herself in a seat at the far end of the circle, exactly opposite from where Shiloh and Jade would be seated. She shifted and squirmed until she got comfortable. “Me and these wide hips, I tell you!” she said and laughed.

Shiloh shook her head. “Don’t get me started on mine. At least they’re ‘in’ now. The kids say it’s old school slang these days, but I’m still calling myself ‘phat’ instead of ‘fat.’”

They enjoyed another laugh as other women filled the room. Many of them greeted Eleanor with welcoming hugs when they realized she was visiting the class for the first time. The group settled into seats, and one of the women volunteered to open them in prayer. Shiloh encouraged anyone who wanted to give testimonies or share other good news about God’s faithfulness during the prior week, to do so, and several ladies took the offer.

When they were done, the Bible study members looked expectantly from Shiloh to Jade, trying to gauge what was coming.

Shiloh glanced at Jade, who nodded to indicate that she was ready to start.

“Well, ladies, we first want to welcome Sister Eleanor, a new St. Stephens Baptist member who is visiting our Bible study for the first time.”

Eleanor waved, and the women responded with a round of applause.

“We also want to welcome back Sister Jade, this lady sitting here
next to me,” Shiloh said. “She has been missing in action for a while, getting ready to compete in the Mrs. Wisconsin pageant, coming up in two weeks. Welcome, Jade. I am honored to have you back, and serving as my co-teacher.”

The women stared and some of them delivered polite applause.

“We realized earlier this week that just as God led our husbands to ministry at St. Stephens Baptist, we’ve been led here, too,” Shiloh said. “Two very different women, with different personalities and ways of seeing the world, and different ways of connecting to the one true God. It has taken us a while to realize that God wants us to celebrate and find value in our differences, rather than judge or criticize what we can’t appreciate, or don’t understand, in the other person.

“Take these chairs that Jade and I are sitting in,” Shiloh said. “One is black, one is white. But they’re both chairs; they both serve a vital function. I could go on and on, but my point is, they don’t have to be the same, or mirror each other, to fulfill their purpose as chairs. These chairs are a metaphor for who each of us is as a woman, and as a vessel of Christ. So that is what will enable Jade and me to teach this Bible study together. Each of us is bringing our uniqueness, our varying levels of spiritual maturity, and our love for God to these meetings. You’ll find that one of us will resonate with you more sometimes than the other, and vice versa. But in both of us, we hope you’ll see a reflection of God, and our desire to share what he has placed in our hearts.”

The women nodded and seemed to soften. A few openly smiled at Jade, and Sister Adelaide was among them.

Jade peered at Shiloh, and Shiloh wanted to give her a thumbs-up, but knew that would let everyone in the room know how nervous Jade was. Instead, she nodded to let her know she had the floor. Jade cleared her throat and pulled out the worksheet Shiloh had distributed earlier.

“If you’ll look at your handout for the night, you’ll see that we’re going to spend tonight, and actually the rest of this year, studying the book of Isaiah,” Jade said. “Isaiah is a long book that covers a span of history. He starts out by warning the Israelites of God’s wrath and judgment, then in the middle of their years of exile, gives them hope by urging them not to fear, and to remember that whatever they are facing, they won’t do so alone. That’s the section we’re going to focus on for the next few weeks: Where is God when we are in the middle of our stuff? On the outside, we may look happy or like we have it all together, when World War III might be raging on the inside.”

The room rang with laughter.

“You better tell the truth!” one of the sisters called out.

Jade grinned, and Shiloh knew she was on cloud nine.

“Isaiah’s words written all those years ago still stand today, because just like the Israelites, we can get so caught up in our personal drama that we forget that we don’t have to figure out everything on our own. We don’t have to hide our truths for fear of others condemning us, when we know that the one who gives us life and breath is always walking with us, no matter what. Sister Davis, would you read Isaiah 41:13 aloud?”

The thirty-something woman nodded and found the passage of Scripture in her Bible, and stood. “I’ll be reading from the New International Version, and it reads, ‘For I am the
Lord,
your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.’”

Jade thanked her, then took a deep breath. “I read that passage on Monday morning, during my devotion and prayer time with God, and I realized I needed to stop hiding.”

The women sat up straighter, and some frowned.

“I got on my knees and prayed for the courage to do what I needed to do, and then, while the kids were still sleeping, I nudged Reverend
Vic awake and told him something important that I had been keeping from him for about four months. I’m going to tell you ladies what it was, in a moment. But first, I have to tell you, I had to cling to Isaiah 41:13 because I wasn’t sure if my husband was going to look at me differently, tell me to figure it out on my own, or simply laugh in my face. I just didn’t know. But like we often do, I had been so busy trying to fix things and figure them out on my own, that I hadn’t given him a chance to do any of the above, or to prove my fears unfounded.

“So I sat him down on Monday morning, and I …” Tears welled up in Jade’s eyes, and Shiloh reached into her shoulder bag and handed her one of the tissues she always kept handy for Wednesday nights.

“I told him that the reason I entered the Mrs. Milwaukee pageant was not because I wanted the attention or needed to prove something to myself; I did it because I needed the money.”

“Huh?” Some of the women looked incredulous. Shiloh’s reaction had been similar when Jade had shared these details during her visit on Monday.

“I guess I shouldn’t say I needed it,” Jade clarified. “I wanted to win the prize money so I wouldn’t have to ask Reverend Vic to help me with an expensive, but necessary purchase. And the reason I didn’t want him to help me, or give me permission to take the funds from our savings, was because then he’d know I was … I am … defective.

“You see, I am gradually losing my hearing in both ears. I am mildly deaf.” Jade let the tears slide down her cheeks without staunching the streaks of mascara crisscrossing her cheeks.

The women gasped, and Jade raised her hand to silence the murmuring that arose. Shiloh realized she was doing her best to make it through the story before she lost her courage.

“I realized something was wrong about eight or so months ago, when I couldn’t clearly hear Nicholas’s cries. I’d be down in the kitchen and think he was sound asleep, but when I moved to another
room, his cries were muted, but fierce enough that I could tell he’d been wailing for a while. Sometimes by the time I’d get to him, he’d be angry because it took me so long. Or, my sweet Naima would talk to me from the back seat of the car as I drove her home after school, and I’d misunderstand or completely miss part of the conversation, and when she would bring it up later and remind me that she’d already said something, I’d draw a blank. At first, I thought I might have memory loss; but as I put two and two together, I realized I should probably get my hearing checked. My visit to an audiologist revealed severe nerve damage in both ears, leaving me with little recourse except to wear hearing aids.”

Sister Rubilene slowly rose from her seat and hobbled over with her cane and gave Jade a hug.

“That’s okay, precious. I’ve been wearing aids for twenty-five years, and you get used to ‘em.”

Jade smiled and squeezed the elderly lady’s hand. “Thanks, Sister Rubilene, you are right, and I appreciate that.”

“What’s the big deal—isn’t it just like buying a pair of glasses? People who can’t see—like my blind self—have bifocals, trifocals, and everything in between to see straight and read; we all have something wrong with us.”

Jade smiled at Sister Erlanda. “You’re right, Sister Erlanda, in some ways it’s the same, but you have to admit, there is a stigma attached to losing your hearing, to becoming deaf. It’s a full-fledged disability, and in some ways, it makes you feel—at least it made me feel—defective.”

Sister Rubilene, who was still standing next to Jade, nodded. “She’s right,” Rubilene said. “Even though my hearing loss was mostly due to age, I felt self-conscious and ashamed that I had to put a device over my ear to do something as basic as hear a bird chirp, or hear the beep of my microwave, or to watch my favorite TV show. I know
folks who wear glasses and can’t see a thing until they put them on. They feel lost without them. But Lasik surgery can sometimes cure that, or you can get all kinds of fancy contacts and change your eye color. You don’t have as much flexibility with your hearing. If I take these devices out of my ears right now, I’m missing a whole part of the world. I’m at a loss.”

Shiloh tried to understand what Jade and Sister Rubilene were describing, but it was difficult.

Monica’s grandmother, Sister Eleanor, raised her hand. “I’m beginning to grasp how losing your hearing can affect your sense of self; but why the secrecy? Why didn’t you want your husband to know, and why did you need to borrow from your savings?”

Jade nodded. “He asked me the same questions on Monday. The first one is hard to articulate, other than what I’ve shared. I didn’t want him to feel like he had this wife who wasn’t perfect anymore.”

The room fell silent, and Jade nodded. “I know, I know; I’m not perfect; never was. I see now that God is using this condition as one way of reminding me that only he is perfect, and only in his strength could I expect to come close to that level. But in my human ‘foolishness’ I guess you could call it, I wanted to be his perfect little wife, with no issues. Just fabulous and fine and all put together.

“Because I was trying to hide my condition from him so earnestly, that meant when the audiologist informed me that the kind of hearing aid that would serve me best would cost a minimum of twenty-eight hundred—for each one, and yes, I need two—I nearly flipped out. Here I was, with a toddler I needed to be able to hear at all times, for safety reasons alone, a daughter I couldn’t always hear, and a hearing issue that was destined to get worse if I didn’t do something to use the nerve capacity I had.

“The audiologist wanted to fit me that day, but I didn’t have almost six thousand dollars in ‘fun money’ lying around to use, and I
wasn’t ready to share this with Reverend Vic,” Jade said. “Now that I think about how loving and supportive he’s always been, I know I was being silly. But guess what? Even we beauty queens can be insecure. That night, as I fretted over what to do, a news segment came on about the Mrs. Milwaukee pageant and the winner receiving dozens of prizes, including cash. I thought if I couldn’t do anything else, I could win that pageant; pay for the more expensive, high-tech, and super-tiny hearing aids; and none of you would be the wiser. That was my grand plan, and I was sticking to it.”

“But what if you hadn’t won Mrs. Milwaukee, and what if you don’t win Mrs. Wisconsin?” another woman in the study asked. “What is your plan B? All of this time you’ve devoted to the pageant has meant time away from your family, and it has meant more time that you haven’t been able to clearly hear your children. Wouldn’t that have been resolved by now if you had just asked your husband for the money?”

Jade nodded and shrugged. “Too bad I didn’t have the courage to do just that from the beginning, or to even bring my fears and pain to this safe space and share with you women, so you could help me brainstorm solutions, and pray for God’s will to be done in my life. Truth is, that thought did cross my mind. That’s why I started coming to Bible study. But in my first night here, it was clear to me that I couldn’t compete with our First Lady. You ladies’ love for her was obvious, and I felt insignificant. So, as usual, I decided to fix everything. I decided that my way was best, and that in addition to registering for the Mrs. Milwaukee pageant, I would use these Bible study meetings to prove that I was more than a pretty pastor’s wife—I was a godly woman that all of you could relate to and care about. When I pulled this off, you all would respect me, I’d be able to purchase my aids and hear again, and all would be well.”