Las Vegas Sidewinders: Drake (Book 2) (9 page)

“I don’t know,” she
admitted. “I worked really hard to get where I am. If I leave the military, what
will I do?”

“Get married? Have
babies?”

She laughed. “Yes, I’d
like that, but I think I’d need to do something else too.”

“You have a college
degree and an impressive resume from the military. I’m pretty sure you can get
a job anywhere.”

“The problem is, where?
I have no idea what I would do on the outside. Military is all I ever planned
to do. We thought after one deployment I would get pregnant, and probably get
pregnant a couple times, so that I wouldn’t be deployed again for a while. But
after the accident and the divorce, the military is all I have left.”

“You in the military
and me in the NHL means we’re together four months of the year, wherever you
are. Less if we make the playoffs. The rest of the time, we would be apart.”

“I can’t promise I’m ready
to leave the Marines.”

“And I can’t leave the
NHL—I don’t have a college degree or know what I would do other than coach,
which schedule-wise, is the same as being a player.”

“So, what does this
mean?” She looked at him warily. “Are we done before we even start?”

“I don’t know.” He took
her hand. “I don’t want to let you go, but you have to do what makes you happy,
and I know I can’t give up hockey. I probably only have six or seven years left
in my body, unless I’m really, really lucky, so this is the height of my
career.”

“Would you be happy
being a military husband?” she asked. “I mean, if it was to work out between us
for the next six years, and then you retired from hockey, would you be able to
stay home with our kids while I continue in the military?”

He frowned. “I think
so. I mean, if my career runs its natural course, I don’t think I’d have a
problem being a stay-at-home dad.” He spoke slowly. “But I don’t know how I
would feel if you deployed again. I don’t know that I could handle
that
.”

“It’s who I am,” she
reminded him gently. “I’m a Marine. I’m a little bit off course right now, but
that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. If you and I are meant to be, you have to
get that about me.”

“I do. And I respect
the hell out of it. But as a man, the idea of my wife, the mother of my
children, going to
war
is completely foreign to me. I have no concept of
that.”

“So even if I was to
wait out your career, you would never be okay with mine?”

“I never said I
wouldn’t be okay with it. I just said it’s not anything I’ve ever thought
about. Both of us have already been married and divorced, so neither of us is
going for casual dating. If you won’t leave your job, and I won’t leave mine,
and either of us could be moved at any time, it’s going to be a long, hard road
with a lot of time apart.”

“So…” Erin felt a
painful squeeze in her chest—the same one she’d felt every time Shay had walked
away from her. “What do you want to do?”

“I was thinking we
would go forward for now, see what happens. But you need to be okay with that.
I don’t want to do anything that might hurt you.”

“I definitely don’t
want another broken heart. I know there are no guarantees that we’re going to
be together forever, but it feels like we’re going to try for something that
has no future unless one of us gives up our career. Eventually, someone would
be unhappy.”

“You want to end it
now?” He hated the thought of losing her before they even had a chance; he
already knew she was special.

“I’m not good at this
stuff. I’ve basically had two adult relationships and I screwed both of them
up.”

“I can’t make this
decision for us,” he said quietly. “We have to make it together. If you need to
be in the military and go wherever they need you, I won’t try to stop you. But
you can’t keep me from playing hockey either.”

“Then this is it.” She
leaned back against the pillows, fighting the tears that threatened.

“Shit.” He leaned back
as well, running his hands through his damp hair. “It’s good when we’re
together—I don’t want to walk away from us, Erin.”

“I don’t either.” She
bit her lip. “But there is still an option that might make all of this moot.”

He frowned. “What?”

“There is no guarantee
that I’ll pass my physical. If I fail, then I will be given an honorable
discharge and sent on my merry way. End of story.” She thought about her other
options, but she couldn’t share those with him. Not yet. Her security clearance
in the military was extremely high—which was why Shay had taken her on their
mission—but the only person who knew that was Kate, and that was simply out of
necessity. She had power of attorney to make decisions for Erin should she
become incapacitated, and she’d needed to know almost everything.

“I don’t want you to
fail your physical!” He gave her an irritated glance. “What kind of douche would
that make me?”

“I know you don’t
want
me to fail.” She reached over to touch his face. “But it’s a reality—I’ve got
to be 100% in shape and I only have until June. After that, I’ll be forced to
take the honorable discharge.”

“Couldn’t you get a job
at some top-notch security firm doing just what you were doing in Afghanistan?
I mean, I don’t have any idea what that is, but if Shay picked you for
something that was as important as you made it sound, you must have impressive
skills.”

“I do, and I could. I just
haven’t thought that far ahead.” She turned and climbed over his legs so that
she could straddle him. Then she just stared down at his face, so handsome and
sincere. She used her finger to trace a line along his jaw and then his lips.
She wanted to drink in every detail of his face. She’d already started to get
attached and even though she felt stupid for letting her emotions run away from
her common sense, she couldn’t help it. “It’s only been a few weeks, but I
can’t imagine you not being in my life.”

“Me either.” He rested
his hands on her hips, looking into the face he’d already gotten used to
seeing.

“We can’t be together
while living on opposite sides of the country. I could try to get myself
transferred to a base in California, so we’d be a lot closer, but the reality
is that you could get traded, right?”

“Probably not for two
more years—I have a three-year contract—but yes, I
could
get traded.”

“Ugh.” She wrapped her
arms around his neck and buried her face against his chest. His arms closed
around her possessively.

“You know, this isn’t
how people usually break up.”

“I don’t want to break
up.” She whispered the words in his ear before gently teasing him with her
tongue, running it along his neck.

“Erin, I don’t want you
to get hurt. You’re important to me, and what you’ve done for your country is
important to me. You have to be sure that this is a risk you want to take.”

“I want us to try,” she
whispered, pressing her lithe body to his.

“It feels like you want
to play with my remote again,” he said primly, a smile emerging as he realized
she wasn’t going to walk away from what they had.

“Your remote is my
favorite toy in the whole world,” she snickered. “I think it’s the only thing I
want to play with.”

“Erin, I really don’t
want to hurt you.” He forced himself to ignore the stirring in his pants and
look into her eyes.

“I know.”

“So what are we doing?”

“I have no idea,” she
admitted. “But we can’t sit here and make decisions that will affect the rest
of our lives when we don’t have all the information. I need time—to finish
healing, to get back into shape, whether I stay in the military or not because
there’s really nothing wrong with me anymore. I can run and jump and fight—the
scars don’t affect that—but I need to feel strong and independent again on the
inside. You’re in the middle of a season, on a brand new team, and you need to
do whatever you need to do to make this the best time in your life and your
career. Right now, we can’t be together all the time, but we don’t have to be
apart. We have until September to think this through.”

“Both of us could get
pretty involved between now and September.” He was suddenly wary; these
feelings he was having were intense and their chances of making things work
seemed remote. He just couldn’t imagine walking away from her after everything
they’d shared in the last four weeks.

“The alternative is
saying good-bye now, and we’ve both said we don’t want to.”

“So we’re going to
try?” He looked at her tenderly, his hand on her pale cheek. “You’re positive?”

“I didn’t fight for the
only man I ever loved and he’s gone forever. I can’t walk away without at least
trying this time. I’d rather have a broken heart than not have you at all.”

He kissed her then,
deeply, passionately, until she was breathless, grasping him intently. They
pulled each other’s clothes off hastily, so anxious to be naked that they
started when there was a knock on the door announcing their food had arrived.

“Shit.” Drake rolled
over, yanked on his shorts and grabbed a few dollars out of his wallet. He
opened the door, handed the man his tip and snatched the tray out of his hand
before he could say a word. He left it on the dresser before pulling off his
shorts and getting back into bed.

Erin was lying on her
side, something he noticed she did a lot, hiding her scars and showing him what
she considered her good side. And it was truly amazing, he thought, running a
hand along her hip. He’d always loved tall women, and she was long and lean,
her stomach flat and hard. He wondered what she’d looked like before
Afghanistan. He loved how she looked now—the scars didn’t even faze him—but he
knew she had to have been extraordinary before. Now that this relationship was
going to move forward, he needed her to stop hiding parts of herself from him.

“You are so beautiful,”
he whispered, pulling her to him.

“You don’t have to say
that.”

“I mean it, and I need
you to believe it.” He slowly pushed her onto her back and brushed her hair out
of her face. “If we’re going to do this, I have to know you, all of you. That
means every inch of every scar, every nightmare, every whisper of pain. I need
you to open up and let me in, baby. We can’t do this half-assed.”

Her eyes were wide,
filled with something akin to trepidation, but her gaze never left his. “What
do you want to do?” she whispered.

“Get to know you.” He
moved over her, his skin warm against hers. He kissed her, his tongue meeting
hers possessively, drawing her into him. If they were going to make this work,
she had to let go of the insecurity and shyness; he knew there was a
passionate, sexual woman buried inside her somewhere and he was determined to
find her. “I need you to let me explore, okay?” He met her eyes again. “I need
you to let me touch you—all of you. Let me see you. Let me know you. Let me do
more than fuck you.”

She swallowed hard but
nodded. “O-okay.”

“Don’t be afraid, baby.
I already know about the ugly parts of your skin—let me show you how beautiful
everything else about you is.”

Honestly, if you looked
beyond the scars, Erin’s body was beautiful, even more beautiful than his model
ex-wife’s. The amount of time she spent working out was obvious in her flat,
rippled stomach and toned shoulders and biceps. Her waist was trim and her hips
perfectly rounded. Her left thigh was amazing, firm and muscular but still
curvy and feminine. He knew the muscles in her calves were hard and defined,
especially in a pair of heels and he looked forward to the day she would wear
heels for him again like the night they met.

He trailed his fingers
across her round, perky breasts. They weren’t big, probably a B cup, but they
were perfect in his eyes. Cupping them in his hands, he gently squeezed before
running his thumbs over the nipples. They came alive at his touch, making her
shiver. He took his time, splaying his hands over her rib cage as he peppered
kisses down her chest. Letting his tongue drift into her navel brought a sigh
from her and he glanced up. Her eyes were closed, one hand resting on his
shoulder while the other gripped the sheet beneath it. He reached out, taking
her fingers and prying them from the cloth.

“Put both your hands on
me,” he said softly.

She didn’t say
anything, but he felt her dig her fingers into his shoulders.

Drake knew it was now
or never, so he lifted her right leg, bending it at the knee and letting her
foot rest on the bed. Staring at the rough, mottled skin, he could see places
that had healed better than others, but they were the exception. Most of her
thigh was destroyed; he had to force himself to focus on the places where the
damage had gone all the way down to the bone, leaving the leg slightly
misshapen, with indentions that would probably never look normal again. It was
horrific, yet instead of seeing the ugly visual, all he could see in his mind’s
eye was her pain. He now had no doubts about why she’d had so much trouble
moving on with her life; healing from these burns had to have been the type of
misery nightmares were made of.